My Journal 191

What is it about women and boob jobs?

Listen ladies, guys don’t give one shit about the size and shape of your breasts. We LOOOOOOVE boobs! We love big ones and small ones. We love perky or lazy boobs. We love tanned or milky white boobs. We love big "nips" or tiny ones. We love pierced boobs or not.

Every boob is AMAZING to us guys. The size, color or shape doesn’t matter at all. All that matters is if you will show them to us and let us play with them. Seriously, that is all ANY guy wants.

So why do most women want boob jobs?

There are only two reasons I can see for a woman to get a boob job. If they are so heavy that they hurt your back you can have them reduced. Or, if (god forbid) you lose them to cancer then you can have them rebuilt. But other than that I can see no reason to ever have a boob job of any kind.

I sort of think women want boob jobs to impress other women. I mean let’s get serious for a moment. You gals dress to impress other women. You impress guys just by showing up. This is why I believe that women get boob jobs for other women.

[You are all lesbians, right?]

So hear me clear, guys like your boobs and you don’t need to change them.

Now . . . .

When you get boob jobs, why then are you so anxious to show them to us and let us play with them?

I don’t get it at all. We like the boobs with which you were born. Yet we have to beg, slave, and go broke to see them and much less ever play with them. But the moment you get them augmented you suddenly want all of us to see them and touch them.

This weekend I am at a party with my COOL cousins. Well, the female is my cousin but her husband and I get along great so I include him as family. She is an absolutely beautiful lady with amazing breasts. She has the perfect figure according to your "girly" magazines. And her breasts were very ample.

[Geez, I feel like I am going to hell for talking about my cousin’s breasts.]

Apparently she decided a month or so ago that she wanted BIGGER breasts. So she got a boob job. I see her at the party, not knowing that she has been modified. And no, I didn’t know about her augmentation or notice her breasts. She is my cousin.

As usual, when I saw her we came together for a welcome hug and a peck on the cheek. As I let go to say one of the typical lines like, "it’s good to see you again"; she stops me and asks if her boobs felt bigger. At that moment I have no idea why she asks me that question, and I figure it’s one of our inside jokes that perhaps I had forgotten.

But I don’t look at her boobs!

Then she presses the issue further. She chides me to look at them. She is wearing a low cut sundress, so to appease her I glance down at her cleavage. I am still unaware of the background story.

Apparently my non-interested attitude frustrated her a bit. So she informs me she had a boob job and wants my opinion.

I am now very uncomfortable. The party is in a large back yard out in a very rural area. It is nighttime, and there are only a few dim lights. And then I realize that we are alone in the yard. This scenario is not the type of a scenario you want to be in with your cousin.

She then says, "I want you to see them"; and she starts to slip off the top of her sundress. I grab her arms and stop her cold, explaining very diligently that I DO NOT want to see her boobs. She smiles as if she understands and I release my grip on her. As I take a comforting breath, her dress falls to her waist and there are two of the most amazing breasts I have ever seen.

Yup, I looked. But it was honestly an accident. And I immediately turned completely around and demanded that she put her clothes back on.

NOPE, she has no intention of dressing yet. You see, now she wants me to feel them too. I start to walk away and she grabs me. She insists that I need to seriously look at them, and feel them, and let her know what I think.

[Jumpin’ Jupiter Batman!]

I quickly devise the perfect speech in my head to show her how silly this whole ordeal is to me. But before I can put my thoughts into words, she grabs my hand and places in on her bare breast. I immediately pull my hand back.

She yells at me! She says she wants me to massage it and tell her if it feels like a real breast. I again voice my disapproval.

She grabs both hands and places both my hands on her bare breasts. You are probably thinking that a big guy like me could easily fight off a slender female. But the only way I know how to make someone let go is to hurt them; and I can’t hurt her. So I again voice my displeasure while fighting her not to move my hands around on her breast.

[Argh!]

So here I sit today trying to justify to my god why I massaged my cousin’s tits as per her instructions, fingered her nipples, and told her they were the best breasts I’ve ever felt.

I am sooooo going to hell!

My Journal 190

 

Ok . . . .

Most of my advice to you is to help you understand males. I am a male and I know exactly how males think and act. So all the advice is factual. But today I want to tell you something I believe about YOU.

It’s something I believe based on years of experience with females, observations of females, and interaction with females. But to be completely honest with you I must admit that I do not know this to be factual because I am not female. So you can read and believe, ignore, or just file it away for your future reference. It’s up to you.

God gave women all the advantages when it comes to relationships. Fair or not, this was the deal. If you are born with a penis you are behind from the "get go". But God did not want to leave us complete helpless; he gave us one advantage. And that advantage is a big one.

Males have been given the ability to differentiate females. When a male meets a female, he instantly puts her into one of two categories. And no it’s not hot or ugly. Actually all women are beautiful to the male. No, we are able to put a female into the category of "I want to do her" or "I want to be with her".

"Do-able" females are the ones that get our physical juices going. We will flirt with them and spend some money on them, but the goal is to have sex with them. If we see them again at a later date it is an accident. We may "do" them one more time, but twice is the limit.

Then there are the females we categorize as ones with which we want to spend our time. These females may attract us physically as well, but in addition they stimulate us emotionally. These are the ones we will date, "go steady" with, get engaged to, and possibly marry one day.

Males have the ability to do this differentiation. That is our advantage. Females cannot do this. Furthermore, females are subconsciously always looking for the male with which they want to be. But they have the burden of ONLY being attracted to the ones that they want to "do".

I believe that this is why women get so frustrated with males. You want one thing in your life, and that is a male to cherish you, treat you like a queen, be loyal to you, and curl your toes in the bedroom. But you are drawn to the guys that simply meet your physical needs. More than likely, the guy you are drawn to has put you in the category of "do-able" already.

So the females find the male that gets their physical juices going and then try to change him into the guy that does the rest. Yet the guy that has all the other characteristics you desire isn’t noticed by the female.

[Did I mention that this is a HUGE advantage for us?]

So because you are trying to change the physically attractive male, who has already classified you as "do-able" only, into a male that is something he isn’t and won’t become; you keep finding failure. He doesn’t call you and if you run into him a second time he may show an interest again. But then he is aloof and distant. You get angry and blame all males.

But this is an error on your part.

My verification of this is that almost all of the females I know well are in fact drawn to the wrong guy. The guy that isn’t and can’t ever be the guy they want for the future. Yet they can’t differentiate.

I figure a few of you, one in particular, are already thinking I am full of crap. So I suggest that you look at your life. You see a guy in a bar and your first though is, "hmmm, I could do that". So you do. Then you wonder why he doesn’t call. Or worse yet, you lure him into your life and then get frustrated when he is not the guy you want; even though he wasn’t that guy when you met him. You try to make an apple an orange.

You may also be saying that you want someone who can curl your toes more than someone that will respect you.

But here is the kicker . . . .

The guy that you really want, not the one you desire, will be able to curl you toes in a whole different way. It will be a toe curling experience that you never imagined existed. You will get the physical stimulation from him, but you will also get an emotional and even spiritual stimulation. Basically, if you give the guy you WANT a chance he will curl your toes all the way around and more.

Since God is a generous god, he does not make this inability to differentiate a permanent condition. At some point in the female’s life; either with maturity, increased experience and / or intelligence, or maybe simply because someone like me helps you; you finally develop the ability to differentiate.

My suggestion for you is to sit down and make a list of the non-physical characteristics that you desire in a partner. Memorize this list. Then, every time you go out for a night on the town, re-read your list. Then, while you are out, stop drooling for a moment and check out the guys that meet your non-physical list. It will lead to immense happiness.

Maybe I am right or maybe I am wrong. But in case I am right, what can it hurt to try? For those of you that kept in touch this weekend, I thank you. Last week I was destroyed, and it did change me. Maybe the change was for the good though. But for me, let’s all just let it go now. It’s in the past and it can’t be changed so I choose not to dwell on it.

My Journal 189

Whatever . . . . Let’s move on, ok?

I heard a comedian on the radio the other afternoon. He told something really funny that leads me to my conversation for today. He was talking about how technological advances have actually hurt our ability to advance ourselves. He described how at the turn of the century, simple common sense was all you needed to advance yourself.

At the turn of the century, if you had a cow and needed to get the cow to market you would start thinking. You would form a rope out of certain thin tree limbs twined together. You would chop down the tree and use the wood to make lumber to form wheels and a wagon. You could tie your mule to the wagon and drag your cow to town. Problem solved.

Then the comedian mentioned our lives today, with IPOD’s, cell phones, laptops and computers. We accumulated these items to make our lives less complicated, right? He paused for a moment and asked the audience this question.

“So, if I sent you out into the woods with only an axe . . . . How long would it be before you could send me an email?”

I laughed so hard I had to pull over or wreck.

But the point he makes is what I want to discuss. It appears in our attempt to un-complicate our lives today we have in fact put ourselves in a MORE complicated position. While trying to make things simpler we have absolutely gone the opposite direction. We have complicated our lives.

I go to a park for lunch each day. I watch as the bums wander the park and today I sort of admired them. I mean they have no complications or stress in their lives. They don’t carry cell phones or laptops so they don’t have to keep up with them. And if a catastrophe hits we would have to seek them out to remember how to survive without out electronic devises.

When they need to make a call, they collect some aluminum cans to sell for cash. They use the cash to call from a pay phone and speak to whomever they want for as long as they want. And if they are short of cash then they walk right over to the person and have a face to face conversation.

[Don’t need a whole lot of technology for that]

I also think that this misguided drive to un-complicate our lives has slipped into our thought process about the person we are . . . and the person we should be. This same technology allows us to lower our morals.

In the simple world of the bum, if he wants to see someone naked he has to actually walk up to them and ask them to undress. I firmly believe that the action of having to face someone and ask them to do something that most of us consider immoral actually keeps decent people from doing it. Yet in our complicated world we could just Google “naked” in the privacy of our own bedroom and view thousands of naked pictures. You could even see naked videos. And usually you can see naked pictures of your own friends.

I believe our new “warped” sense of morals has been caused by the complicated technology. People now find it acceptable to do this, and also people find it normal to post naked pictures of themselves on the internet too. But those same people wouldn’t have the balls to walk up to someone and ask them to strip.

I’m sure this was not the intended purpose of the internet when it was created. But what is worse is that I am finding that most people under the age of 30 find it completely acceptable to be a porn / sex freak. It’s simple and it’s been this way for their entire life, so . . . . whatever is their battle cry.

At the turn of the century, people didn’t have sex until they were married. If a “cowpoke” wanted premarital sex he went to the brothel. The women at the brothel didn’t just do that part time. Being a whore was their career path. They didn’t have future goals because most of them died before 25 years of age. Sex was their job. The women who cooked food, or worked in the actuary office didn’t do this. They waited for their man, right or wrong. It was simple to tell who was who.

[Sounds really simple to me]

Dating websites, porn websites & even sex websites are prevalent. And you can do it all without anyone easily knowing who you are or what you are doing. So because it’s incognito it’s now ok?

Someone once told me that they were good at sex, so advertising it to get more was ok. Their logic was that they were discreet, their friends won’t know and aren’t hurt, so what’s the problem. My response to this person should have been that I am good at killing people. So does that mean it’s acceptable to take human life as long as it’s done incognito and I promise that they won’t be hurting . . . for very long anyway?

I’m no angel. I’ve banged a bunch of sluts myself. But most of that was when I was immature and stupid. As I gained a sense of being I sort of drifted away from whores and sluts. I try to keep my life simple now. I have to actually be interested in a woman, spend some time talking to her, get to know a little about her before we exit to a hotel room.

The most humorous part about this is that those that believe that sex is just sex are the same ones that can’t have relationships without being jealous of their partner. (DUH!) If you live with people that believe sex is ok any time and with anyone, you can never develop a trust in anyone. Hence, you will never have a fulfilling relationship.

Oh well . . . . whatever, right?

 

My Journal 188

Today we are back to the “No Notification” status. It was a judgment call but I would hate to be considered SPAM email.

I’m still wandering aimlessly, but I want to write just so I can think about something else for a moment. I want to thank you for checking in with me, and I apologize for being distant and non-responsive. But I think I have shared my basic thoughts with most of you and detailed thoughts with one of you. Thank you for being here with me.

I have a plan.

About four years ago I had a talk with a very close friend. She had some money problems, but had kept them to herself. One night she called me crying. She had just performed her first act of prostitution. We talked all night. I wrote this the next day. I find it oddly applicable to today as well.

Oh, we found another solution.

She sits alone

She sits alone in her bedroom

Alone with her thoughts and her dream

A tear slowly rolls down her cheek then

Life’s not fair, or so it may seem

She knows that she has someone special

But she trusts that he never could be

Her Prince and the one who can save her

From the troubles that only she can see

Her thoughts slowly then start to wander

That the love that she wants just for him

Could be something that maybe she can barter

Her spirit is growing quite dim.

She thinks of her beautiful children

And how much they need her today

She wonders of the example she sets for them

But she knows there are bills she must pay

She forces herself to believe in

The sins that she feels she must do

She cries for a moment in silence

She hates that she is alone here too

If only she knew there was someone

Who was caring and thoughtful and kind

Who wanted to help her immensely

But was clueless to what’s on her mind.

If only she believed that someone loved her

And would give of himself as a mate

Hoping someday she truly could see him

Before it all gets too late

If only she knew his confusion

And believed that her feelings were wrong

If she knew she had another option

And that option could be a beautiful song.

Maybe a friendship is all he can offer

Until he knows a little more of her course

But a friendship is better than choosing

A life of regret and remorse

But she chooses to go it alone still

Because she’s tough and never feels pain

But he knows she’s human in spite of that

He knows she has so much to gain.

He knows that she cries all alone now

He knows that she never will share

How hurt she is alone as she ponders

The choices that she feels she must dare

He knows that she acts tough to protect her

From feelings that may produce fear

He knows that it’s all just an act now

He just wants for her to be near

She sits at a crossroad in life

Deciding to go the wrong way

The other path is full of pain also

But her dignity can still be hers some day

He knows that he has no true say now

He knows that her life is hers to bear

He just wishes he knew that she knew him

And how much he really does care.

I’ll always be here for you!

My Journal 187

It amazes me how quickly a world can be turned upside down. Tuesday morning I woke with the best thoughts, and the day just got better and better. I even emailed Banana-Rama about how great my life had become and how I was now going full steam ahead.

Then, as most of you know, it all went to hell in an instant. My world literally crashed to the ground all around me, and in this case all over me too. Lovelygirl asked if it was her fault. The answer to that is a definite NO. Bringing the shit to the surface is never the wrong thing to do. So have no regrets.

Listen, shit happens; life’s rough; people you love will let you down; blah, blah, blah. EVERYONE has horrible days. These particular wheels were set in motion a while ago. It just came to a head yesterday. And for the record, you all did the right thing by telling me the truth even though you knew it would hurt. I CAN stand pain, more than any other man can endure. I CAN’T stand being lied to, no matter what. And deceit is a lie. So thank you for coming to me with this situation.

I left work yesterday after this all came to my attention. I didn’t eat. I didn’t consume alcohol. I didn’t use drugs. I didn’t pick a fight. I didn't have random sex. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t go to the house. Fortunately I keep a suitcase in my trunk with additional clothing, and I’ve learned how to create unique bathing opportunities. I don’t know how long I will be here today. I don’t know what I am going to do today, or tomorrow, or next year. For the first time in my life I have no plans. They all got flushed. I just don’t know what to do.

I can’t even tell you where I was last night or what I was doing. I seriously don’t know. It’s like my brain shut down, sort of like a reboot on a computer. I’m a blank fuckin’ screen!

Yup, this one hurt. Believe it or not, this hurt worse than my 10 days of torture. But it wasn’t what is happening that bothers me. I live my life by my own rules. If I fuck it up then it’s my fuck up and no one else’s business. I treat others the same way. As long as what others do doesn’t affect me I don’t fret or judge.

This affected me, but it was my choice to let it. I put myself on the tracks, so I can’t blame the train. Heck, I even saw this train coming for a long time and tried to convince myself it was a lightening bug. What does bother me is that someone who I care about didn’t talk to me. To find out things from others is not right. I’ve told ya’ll all my sins. They’re out there to critique, condemn, accept or forgive. It bothers me that I’m viewed the way I am, as a person someone couldn't talk to. I just can’t understand why.

I don’t check up, chase down, snoop or do any of that crap. I don’t care what people do. I truly believe that if someone is a friend and cares then you don’t need any of that crap because you always know everything . . . . directly from them. What they don’t tell you just doesn’t exist.

And yes, I am humiliated.

And maybe for the first time ever . . . . . heart-broken.

I’ve never been depressed a moment in my life. I’ve been hurt and I’ve been sad, but I deal with both rather well. But when I get confused is when my world falls apart. And to my knowledge, every time I have been in this situation, there was a little white lie somewhere in the mix that caused it all. So I need to find a way to make some sense out of this situation. I don’t know if I’ll figure something out today or never, but just so you know I am hiding in my proverbial CAVE.

I’m not suicidal or ill. I just need to think and sort shit out in my head. This is consuming my thoughts today and I cannot function like this.

Ironically, probably the only person that could help me is the only person who won’t help me.

So enjoy yourselves and forget about this whole mess. I’ll be back, and we will pick up right where we left off. Oh, but there will be one change. This is the last time I will use this notification system for my journals. That means no more journals emailed. If you want to read, come find me.

Or just fuckin’ ask me what’s up.

But for now I’m in pain. So just give me some time to heal.

My Journal 186

My vacation was fine. I had no injuries and got into zero trouble. I accomplished a lot of little tasks that needed to get done. You know, those quick boring tasks that you need to be super motivated to do. Anyway, all is well.

Enough said!

I did apparently send out a “drunken journal”. I have no idea what possessed me to do that, but I did. So we will count that one as Number 183, hence this will be number 184.

But the point of the journal is true. So here is the sober truth.

I have an opportunity to take more of my “trips”. Being the organized jerk that I am I made a list of positives and negatives.

Positives

·          Money is good, real good.

·          Paid in cash. (I even get a $5K signing bonus)

·          Opportunities to “borrow” more valuable stuff during the trip.

·          Excitement.

Negatives

·          Could be dangerous.

·          Would have to go back to negotiating vacations and these trips.

·          If something ever happened to me, no one (including you) would know.

·          Immoral in my opinion.

The final negative is the kicker I believe. I think I can still do that job while remaining safe. But somewhere along the way; either from evaluating (or doubting) my past, maturity, or simply that I know none of my friends would do something like this or want me to (I think), I am questioning whether to do this or not.

[See, you guys influence me in a good way]

OK, short journal today. I am still catching up on missed work. I do hope you enjoyed the song I attached in my last journal. It truly moved me.

Luv Ya all!

My Journal . . . . Whatever?

Seriously . . . . .

I bet you are wondering what kind of a nin-come poop would be siting at his laptop at a little before 2 am on a Friday night (technically a Saturday morning) and typing down his thoughts???

Me of course!

If you are wondering why, well it could be because of my wild ass roller coaster day today. And I bet you think you are going to hear about my day. WRONG! This journal is about me right now. Sorry. Today and tonight will remain a secret!

But first, I missed my Friday shout outs. Bear with me as I am totally fucked up right now.

Lovelygirl – I love you, and you are a great friend. I would kill or die for you without a thought, and I already proved that once before. We've been there for each other for 12 years now. But damn girl, I am me. I do pretty much want I want. If it’s fucked up then it’s my fucked up. If it’s wrong then it’s my problem. Please, just be my friend and accept me as I am.

Banana-rama – I am soooo happy for you I can’t even put it into words. Do you know that feeling you get in your gut when you see your man? I am so happy you feel that. Luv ya sis!

Martel – You once said I scared you. I can’t tell you how that messed me up. I seriously don’t want to ever scare anyone again. I care about you. Oh, is that bodyguard position still open? :)

HMPOA – Ok, I will take the Texans Sunday and even give you 2 points. Same bet as last time? Ummmm.

Sunshine – Someone once told me that you make me at peace. With what is happening in my life today, I hope that is true. But you are my rock, so quit doubting yourself and stressing. My great grandparents are watching over you, and they are bigger bad asses than any of us. You will be fine . . . as usual.

Niki-cole – You are about to hear that I didn’t make it to Dallas, Still luv me? Please?

Ok, Back on point. I am sitting in a hotel room in New Braunfels. Did you know that you can get a good room here for $35, yet the same room in SA is $85? Fuck it, I will drive the 15 minutes. Anyway, I am messed up, been dancing, and now sit here with one doober and 3 beers left. I told Lovelygirl and Banana-Rama that I wasn’t going to go anywhere tonight. Yet here I sit.

[BUT . . . . I didn't go where you told me not to go!]

I’ve got a tough decision to make. I made promises to three of you that there was something I wouldn’t do again. But when I look at my life today, I think that maybe doing those things are what I am really meant to be. I mean seriously, it’s the only thing I’ve been successful at being. I was a jock and fucked that up with drugs, sex, and injuries. I had three businesses and sold them, yet I am still cash poor. I hate my current job because I am over-qualified. So maybe this is what I am supposed to do.

As my beautiful, sexy and brilliant friend Sunshine would say, I am going "off-grid" for a while. I am not nutso or anything, I just need to sort some shit out. You know, like Colonel Trautman told John Rambo, "You can never come full circle until you realize what you are meant to be."

[Sick of my movie quotes yet?]

I guess I won’t come full circle until I accept what I was meant to be. And maybe until I do I won’t find what I need. Or maybe it won't find me.

I am heading back out now. I still have drunk friends wanting to go back to SA. Think about me once?

FYI, this is what I am lisening to. Hope it moves you too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51echqJzukU

Ciao!

~ A yellow rose for my yellow rose ~