My Journal 075

I owe everyone something for today. As I wrote earlier, my weekend was strange and involved so many people that I care about. So I just couldn’t write it and put it out there for public display.

I decided to just tell you why I am a mess this month.

So, I came across some quotes pertaining to trust. I figured it would be a good discussion for today since this is why I’m a mess and have been for over a month. I definitely don’t base my decisions regarding trust on a bunch of darn quotes though. But by discussing these quotes maybe it will clear my head a bit and help my readers understand why I am so fucked up lately.

As most of you know, trust has been a big issue in my life. Recently it has been on my mind a lot. Not necessarily the belief in trust, but the ramifications of lost trust. I mean, I’ve sort of figured out that I will be deceived by people that I trusted. Shit happens, right?

But what happens then? I believe that I control the situation, so I can decide what to do next. It really doesn’t matter what the other party wants or needs. It’s up to me. It’s a tough decision. And it affects both me and the other party. Yet they can control how quickly things get back to normal.

Heck, I lie. Someone asks if they look fat in a specific dress, or tells me not to finish in a certain place; then I lie. But I would like to think that for the BIG things I strive to be honest. Actually, I have a hard time keeping facts straight in my head some days. I figure I’m screwed if I have to keep facts and lies straight in my head.

Away we go!

“The senses deceive us from time to time, and it is prudent never to trust wholly those who have deceived us even once.”
Rene Descartes

I’m not too sure I follow this quote completely. Seriously, if I never trusted someone who “pissed away” my trust then I wouldn’t have anyone left to trust. So the word “wholly” separates this comment a bit. That part I believe is true.

Once a trust is broken, and the reason isn’t to protect me (I NEVER need protecting) then I would admit that I tend to doubt most of what I am told from that point forward. I think trust can be rebuilt though. Just fess up and let’s get past it is my motto. I will ask why. That is my new push, to find out why. But more than likely the trust will improve once everything is back out in the open.

The odd thing is that I usually WANT to trust again. So I tend to give people chance after chance. But I’m no fool either. I am more cautious with what I share, and I spend a lot less time with the person.

“The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.“Stephen King

This comment focuses more on the deceiver than the innocent. So my fist comment is this, is anyone innocent?

I think that most people can figure out when they are being fed a line of bull shit. The problem is some people (recently me included) didn’t want to believe it is bull shit. Some people want the BS to be the truth, so that they can keep something. Maybe they want to keep the trust, or a relationship, or simply a belief in good people. So when someone is deceived it doesn’t guarantee that they are innocent. I guess I wasn’t in my example.

But the jest of this quote is true. A liar will use any hint of trust to confirm the deception. If I were to tell you something true, and you didn’t believe it; it wouldn’t bother me one tiny bit. I would just thank you for your time and move on, my job being complete. So when someone starts challenging me when I question something they have stated as fact, it tends to make me wonder.

“Men are able to trust one another, knowing the exact degree of dishonesty they are entitled to expect. “Stephen Leacock

Wow, this one fits perfectly in my “wheel house”. Like I said above, I believe everyone lies to some extent. I base my relationships on my ability to accept them as they are. I mentioned in a recent journal that one of my closest friends lies all the time. But she told me this at the very beginning. So I accept her honesty about deceptions.

In my interactions with her, I take all the she says and does with a grain of salt. But to me, she has other excellent characteristics that overshadow this one facet of her makeup. She is the most caring person I ever met. She truly loves everyone (and sometime literally). She is funny, outgoing and makes me feel good. But the most important aspect is she has never let me down. Every time I’m in a mood or in trouble I hear this “poof” and there she is.

I guess I am trying to say that I establish a degree of dishonesty with people, and hers is high. So I guess when I get seriously disappointed, it’s not that someone let me down. It’s that I mis-read them and set the degree of dishonesty too low. So I guess it’s my fault that I feel bad today.

Another of my personal philosophies pertaining to this quote is the concept of time. I believe that I own time. So if something happens and I am not certain f I am being deceived, I will give the person the benefit of the doubt. I will raise my caution level, and I will distance myself a bit. But if I am not sure then I choose to just wait it out. If it’s a lie, then in time it will rise to the surface.

Then I usually go one step further if I truly like the person. I will hint out the wazoo that I now know the truth and give them every chance possible to come clean. If they do then trust can be restored. If they don’t, even after I’ve made it adamantly clear, then it is up to them if they want to rebuild my trust. If they don’t care enough to try, or simply attempt to ignore it as if it will just go away; then I keep my distance.

Their loss!

“Loyalty and devotion lead to bravery. Bravery leads to the spirit of self-sacrifice. The spirit of self-sacrifice creates trust in the power of love.” Morihei Ueshiba

Ok, this one just touched me somehow. But it is true that the more loyal you are the greater the devotion, which leads to unequaled bravery. And bravery is truly self-sacrifice. You give of yourself, or risk all that you have for someone else. And that creates trust.

So maybe those that constantly abuse trust have deeper issues, like the inability to be loyal or to be devoted. This would cause fear in every facet of their lives, and create the need for more deceptions.

I feel for these people. I couldn’t imagine my life without these traits.

I have a friend that swears love doesn’t exist. As I think of them I can work this quote backwards. Now I will not presume to know them well enough to say that loyalty and devotion is an issue; but maybe?

Ok, the bottom line for all this crap today is that I was “taken in” by someone I trusted. It’s happened before and I am certain it will happen again in my life. But for some reason unbeknownst to me, this time it got to me. I think about it constantly and can’t seem to get past it.

Maybe it’s because I can’t figure out why; so I try to find where I failed.

Maybe it’s because I’ve given so many chances to clear this up; and I now assume they just care enough to try.

Maybe it’s because I was so humiliated; and I never want to feel this way again.

Maybe it’s other issues, like worrying about their current personal safety.

Maybe I’ve just had enough.

I’ll keep working on it though. Just don’t give up on me. I seldom fail when it’s this important. So I will be back to writing my usual thought provoking and sexually laden comments. But for now, take this small piece of advice.

My life has been such a cluster fuck that I don’t judge anyone or anything. So if anyone says or does something . . . . just tell me. The only way anyone can possibly lose my friendship is to deceive me. The actions mean nothing, the lie means everything.

My Journal 074-2

I wrote a long letter this morning describing my messed up weekend and everything that happened. But after I posted it I decided that I don’t want to be THAT open about my feelings and the crap that is messing me up today.

So, there is no journal today. My weekend was weird, informative, depressing, and just plain messed up.

I’ll try again tomorrow.

Several of you took a lot of time out of your weekends to be direct and honest with me and to offer suggestions. For that I am thankful.

My Journal 073

I usually reserve Friday’s for my “Shout Outs”. I use these as a way to engage those I haven’t had the pleasure of chatting with and to personalize this page just a little. But this week was different. I am so happy to say that other than one person, this week I have heard from everyone that I consider a friend. Kudos to me!

So no shout outs this week, but you are definitely in my thoughts.

This week some of you got to read about a time in my past. Of those that I chose to allow to read about me, I did hear back from all of you. Two of you had lengthy conversations with me, which I deeply appreciated. It is nice to know that you can do something really horrible and have people in your life that understand. That part was good for me.

For those that I didn’t chose to share this with, sorry. But I felt it would be a bad thing for some to know. Trust me?

I never finished that story. My last part was to be about how all this affected me. But to be honest, I really don’t know. I have no idea what kind of a person I would be had this not happened. So I can’t dwell on that. Yet as I wrote, my biggest dumbfounding concern is trying to determine if I am normal. It’s difficult to ascertain normalcy. There is no way I can climb into your thoughts for a day and then compare those thoughts to what I think. So I have no basis for comparison. There is no standard for one’s personal thoughts.

And I am 100% sure that you DO NOT want to jump into my thoughts for a day!

There are standards for behavior. We have the 10 commandments, but I think I’ve sort of made a mess of those already. But I have changed, and every situation I am faced with today I try to remember those commandments and do my best to follow them. I guess my hope is that by following them now I can get some sort of extra credit on life’s final exam. I liken it to a smoker that has since quit smoking. They knew that smoking was bad while they were smoking. But at some point they chose not to smoke anymore. And every day they don’t smoke may be adding days to their lives. This is the extra credit that I hope to have.

There are standards for our actions too. These are our rules and laws, and include such marvels as don’t drink and drive, don’t take a bomb on a plane, and don’t eat jalapenos with your hands and then scratch your privates.

But I can’t find a single method to evaluate thoughts and feelings.

What I do know is that everyone who didn’t do what I did can keep friends, and I can’t. Everyone knows when not to say what is on their mind, but I don’t. Everyone has experienced love, but I haven’t. Everyone can cope with deceptions, but I don’t. But seriously, that doesn’t bother me too much. I guess how I feel about things, and if I feel like I am being moral (or at least my definition of moral) then I assume I am normal. Yet maybe that alone should show me that I have something wrong with me.

As I wrote in a previous journal, I worry about who would show up at my funeral. If I remember correctly, I identified 6 people that would show up IF they knew. The challenge is that three of those probably wouldn’t know a thing until I was long gone. So that leaves three people, and they are family. Now I am fairly sure that more would show up, but only those three would really want to be there. The others would be there for the three people who would supposedly be mourning.

I’ve always been good at identifying people very quickly when I meet them. I don’t judge anyone (it’s that stones and glass house thing), but I do decide if I want to associate with them. That is my decision only. I do believe that when I like someone I tend to be so excited to actually like someone that I overwhelm them with my attention. That tends to drive a lot of folks away quickly. When I don’t like someone I just avoid them. It they follow me, I do tend to become rude and at times aggressive. So I can figure people out, but don’t know what to do with the data I guess.

Another thing that crossed my mind when I was writing this stuff down was my brother. We are very much alike in our though process. I think I told you before that if you think I am wild, aggressive and potentially violent; well he is much worse. For example, on the beach he never would have given up his last round. That mofo would have waited patiently until two or three guys lined up and taken them at once with his last shot. He probably would have taken a few more by beating them to death before being subdued.

And his take on an escape would have only been revenge. I could see him waiting until everyone was back in the building and then bringing the whole building down on top of them. He probably would then have gone door to door and fire bombed every building, house and shack just because the town pissed him off. Before he left, he would have leveled the city.

And I doubt he would have cried once.

So I wonder if I am really a wimp. Would everyone else have destroyed everything, or just limped away like I did? I know I am capable of incredibly violent behavior. I guess the difference between me and my brother is that I reach a point where I “call off the dogs” and he doesn’t.

I also know that I only have extremes in my personality. I’m either way high where my mind is going 100 miles an hour and my movement and mouth can’t stop. Or I’m way low where my mind is perplexed and I don’t want to talk or be seen. These low times are when I am the most violent. I usually try to remedy this by exercising vigorously until I am exhausted and basically falling off the face of the earth for a few days so none knows something is wrong. But sometimes I just have to go out and get a rush of some sort. Usually it’s by picking a fight, wild sex, or something.

(FYI - If any of you want to help, the next time I’m low we could hook up . . . just for health reasons though)

Speaking of which, I seriously think about sex 24 hours a day and 7 days a week . . . non-stop . . . all the time. It sometimes drives me nuts. I know that most people don’t do that, or at least don’t admit to it. But I can literally have sex to the point of exhaustion, and within minutes I am ready to go again. That’s just not right I think.

Back on point dude!

The jest of this journal is just to say I can’t tell you how the events of my past have affected me. I just don’t know and can’t find a logical means to evaluate it. So I guess I’ll leave it up to you to figure out for yourself. But the way I keep excluding people from my life or running them off with my moods, I know I’m not right in the head.

So I wear this mask every day. I act like a normal person, and I am a great actor. I can make people think anything I want them to think. And yes, I even wear my mask for you, my friends. But I do that for a very different reason. To my knowledge I have never feared anyone, anything or any set of circumstance. But at the same time I know that you, my close friends, can hurt me worse than imaginable. I guess when I let someone in my “inner circle” they then get the keys to my pain. So I hide myself, and specifically my feelings, from those closest to me.

Unfortunately it sometimes “burps” out in small pieces and I’ve noticed that this causes people great frustration. I just can’t help it.

Oh well, enough for today. I’m still in one of my low moods, so I will have to find a way to get a rush this weekend. Wish me luck?

Have a great weekend! I luv all of you.

My Journal 072

Today is one of those GOOD NEWS / BAD NEWS days. So first let’s get the bad news out of the way. I think I have now lost TWO good friends. I lost one because I didn’t trust and another because I did.

I have this friend (we’ll call her A). A long time ago she warned me about another friend (we’ll call her B). Now A has a habit of lying, but never about the big stuff. I had just met B and was giving her the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t believe A. A and I fought and argued. A finally decided it wasn’t worth it anymore.

A and I are both Aries, so we COMPLETELY understand each other. We both want to deal with any shit right here and right now. There is NEVER anything left unsaid. And we do get “riled up”. But after about an hour we are both cool again, nothing needs to be said it just happens. And I love always being able to discuss anything.

B is an Aquarius. She avoids confrontations and never will talk about challenges. But to her credit, she never gets angry and never will completely dump someone. But apparently she avoids sharing very important information about her life, which made me look like a total ass.

So A isn’t speaking to me. But get this, in the past few weeks I have found out that A was right all along. What she told me about B was true. So today, I can’t get hold of A to apologize and B won’t talk to me about her part in all of this.

I guess I’ve lost two friends. Ok, now for the good news.

So, last night I finally got my “peeps” together and had a meeting for my new business venture. Before I share this part and have to deal with your ridicule, I need to share my ultimate goal which ties into this venture. The ultimate goal is to own a “wild ass” bar in Costa Rica.

Ok, stop laughing. Cruise ships visit the port in Costa Rica and the nearest bar is over 10 miles away. Land is cheap, liquor is cheaper than here, and the weather fits my “I hate cold” attitude. With the right location we could be guaranteed a packed bar of vacationers 4 days and nights a week. Taking my dream one step farther, I will also own my Huey by then. We’ve already agreed on the name of our bar, “Thongs and Things”. Needless to say, it will be the Hooters of Costa Rica.

(LL . . . you’d better get that fake passport now)

Sun, Palm trees and Tequila; life doesn’t get any better than that.

(Banana-rama . . . you will drink ONE tequila, right?)

I will build me my own “shack” there on the beach with a hammock and fireplace. And since you are my “Special” friends you will always get the VIP treatment when you come to visit including half price drinks, or free drinks if you can beat me in a drinking contest (or agree to stay at my shack afterwards). But all VIP deals are off if you show up with a guy / boyfriend / roommate / fiancee!!!!

(Sunshine . . . . you listening?)

And obviously if you want to move to Costa Rica you will always have a job at my place. You are all built for the required attire J

(Lovelygirl . . . you will have to keep you top on during business hours)

My partners are my buddy T… and my friend K…. Yes, K… is the chick I went out with last week, so what? I didn’t “schtupe” her.

Anyway, I determined that we basically needed a practice run closer to our current homes than Costa Rica. So this is the concept we agreed upon. We haven’t determined what will make our place unique, but the business plan is in the works. And we already have plenty of labor as all of us have kiddos that are of age and unemployed.

Our skills set include a CPA with extensive experience and knowledge of the F&B industry as well as TABC rules and regulations and numerous contacts in the F&B equipment service arena; a businessman that has been writing business plans and securing loans and investors successfully for over 8 years now and can fly helicopters (remember my Huey?); and a chick with a FANTASTIC personality that has big tits and looks great in a dress. Oh, and she has two degrees so she’s no dummy either. And all of us possess the ability to meet and greet people while making them feel like they are the greatest friend we ever had. How could we fail?

As we agreed, step one is to finalize the concept and do some research to come up with some cost figures. Then we will focus on the business plan and securing funding. In the event funding doesn’t happen, we each will contribute our own money to get started. But I definitely prefer gambling with someone else’s money, this is a practice run you know. I’d rather save my cash for Costa Rica.

And remember, I also know where a little over a million dollars is buried. Shhh!

I’m pushing for an in room hot tub also. But my partners are hesitant.

I’ll keep you informed. But if I ever stop writing, just look for me on the beach in Costa Rica. I’ll be the long haired, tanned, drunk dude with a HUGE wad of cash in his pocket!

And if A reads this, I am so sorry for not believing you . . . . please call me.

And if B reads this, I’m always willing to talk . . . . but you will HAVE to call me.

My Journal 071

Ok, so I have decided that this summer I am taking a cruise. I haven’t been on one in four years. I don’t care about where the tub goes. Just go somewhere other than here. I have just survived one of the most frustrating times in my life and I need to get away. And not just one of my overnight get-a-ways to New Braunfels.

My four favorite things are drinking, dancing, eating and gambling. Hey, that’s all you freakin’ do on a cruise. I also enjoy swimming, being out in the sun and having to only wear shorts all day long. So I definitely love cruises, and I will take one this year.

But I have a challenge.

If I go alone, I will be assigned a roommate. Now when I was 20, a roommate was ok. But now? I would literally drive the poor sap nuts. And I know that I won’t appreciate having someone in my room when I am gone. And if I go alone it turns into a pickup cruise. I don’t mind playing that game, and I am damn good at it. But if I have to spend time picking up someone with which to do stuff then it takes time away from doing what I enjoy.

Oh, make that five favorite things . . . you know what I mean.

My other option is to invite a beautiful, sexy, and outgoing lady to join me. I’m just not sure how to approach that conversation.

“Hey, I’ve got something to ask you sweetie. I know we’ve only been out once but would you like to be trapped on a ship with me, in a room with me, and in a bed with me for a week?”

I just get the feeling that this conversation would go poorly. Plus, what if I find out a week before we sail that she is a “fruit cake”? What if I am the one that figures out I am trapped? I can’t imagine having some psycho glued to my hip for a week.

Of course it could be that this woman is so un-intelligent that she doesn’t appreciate being with me for a week. I mean seriously, if I shell out for the cruise then there is some sort of an expectation of handling my number 5. Oh, what am I thinking? Who WOULDN’T want to be with me?

Another option is to take a friend, based on my definition of a friend. This would be someone I already know, already get along with, and already enjoy just talking and “hanging out”. You know, I stay on my side of the bed and you stay on yours. That could work.

But what if one of us becomes a bit more aroused that the other, or mis-reads a signal.

“Absolutely not! I did not put on this sexy gown just to hump you. You can go sleep in the galley tonight.” That would seriously suck.

Or what if we are having a “casual friendly” evening and I spot a hottie checking me out.

“Hey my good friend, I’m going to go have sex with that chick tonight. Can you sleep somewhere else? Sure, you should be comfortable in your evening dress on the deck tonight.”

Or worse yet, what if I get the boot so she can roll around with one of the wait staff?

Hey, maybe this hooker idea may have finally found the perfect place. If we consummate the transaction in International water I don’t think that we would have broken any American laws. She would get food, drink and the trip of a lifetime (along with some cash I guess) and I would get someone to dress up for dinner, undress after, and go away the rest of the day. Hmmm, interesting.

So if I go that route, should I deduct from her salary any drinks or excursions she enjoys?

Argh! This is so confusing.

Ok, I am open for suggestions . . . . illogical69@live.com.

STAIND - It's Been A While

It's been a while since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while since I first saw you
It's been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again
and it's been a while since I could call you

But everything I can't remember

As fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

It's been a while since I could say that I wasn't addicted and
It's been a while since I could say I love myself as well and
It's been a while since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
It's been a while but all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

But everything I can't remember

As fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
just one more peaceful day

It’s been awhile since I could look at myself straight
and it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry
It's been awhile since I've seen the way the candles light your face
It's been awhile but I can still remember just the way you taste

But everything I can't remember

As fucked up as it may seem
I know it's me I cannot blame this on my father
he did the best he could for me

It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while since I said I'm sorry!

My Journal 070

“YOU ARE AMAZING”

Someone said that to me last night. I asked what prompted it, but I got brushed off. That wasn’t important though, I sort of knew why she had said that and I think that she was just being kind to me. But it REALLY felt good to hear that.

Years ago I lived for recognition and praise. I loved football, track and boxing. I loved trying to be perfect, winning, and breaking the other guy’s heart. But between you and me, my biggest love was all the recognition I would get. I loved hearing cheers. I loved hearing my name on the PA system. I loved that girls would throw themselves at me. I loved that parents wanted me to be their kid. I loved that everyone wanted to be me.

For the past few weeks I have been putting down on paper some events from my past. I did this because I finally found someone that I think would believe me, and who wanted to know. But while revisiting these moments from my past, I sort of remembered who I was and how I have changed over the past 8 months. I’ve changed trying to be something I am not just to try to be something for someone else.

I remembered that success isn’t measured by other people. It’s measured by me. I remembered that being a good person means doing good when no one is looking. I remembered that being honest means doing honest things when no one can find out if you didn’t. And I remembered that doing what is right for others is far more rewarding than doing what is right for me.

But more than that, I remembered that you can measure people by how they handle the same concepts. If someone says one thing to me and another to someone else, then there is a reason. If someone can’t be honest with me then there is a reason. And most important, if someone can’t do what’s right for me then they truly don’t care about me for their own reasons.

I don’t care about the reasons. I only care about the actions. Life is really simple.

I’ve got a friend that has been trying to do right by me, and I ignored her. I may have lost that person forever because I believed in someone else.

Bad call? Only time will tell.

But for someone to try to understand where I am, what’s going on in my life, and to make a point to go out of their way just to say, “YOU ARE AMAZING”; well that means a lot to someone like me who believes that deep inside I am a waste of life sometimes.

I will try to reconnect with the friend I lost. I will definitely make my friend who wrote this one phrase know how much I needed that line, even though I don’t live for praise anymore. And if someone else can’t make me a priority every once in a while then they can have their own priorities, and I’ll make mine.

We are all constantly faced with choices in this life. Who you are inside will dictate to you what choice you need to make. The problem is some people still won’t make that choice. We can’t judge them because we don’t know their reasons. But we can make a choice to remember their choices, and gage our lives accordingly.

So . . . . thank you for telling me that I am amazing. You turned a beautiful light on in an otherwise dark moment.

My Journal 069

I was thinking this weekend about life. Maybe having to write down the worst moments in my life made this happen. But for whatever the reason, this was my thoughts this weekend.

I guess to understand the purpose of life; you have to figure out your own interpretation of death. No one knows or will ever know what happens when a person dies. Maybe there are “Pearly Gates”. Maybe there are clouds that you can walk on. Maybe you do get to see your friends and ancestors. But all this is for each of us to determine individually.

As for me, when you die you lose memories.

I have heard people say that life comes down to what you want on your tombstone. “He was a good father” or “He was a good man”. Some say it’s the journey and experiencing everything that you can while you are here. I’ve also heard that life is to accomplish everything that you can. For me, it’s the moments.

A moment is a point in time where something happens that is so incredible that you never forget it. I’ve had moments.

I’ve walked out onto a sports field and listened to thousands of people screaming my name. I’ve thought that all these people could be doing anything they wanted, but they chose to spend their money and time just to see me play a game; hoping that for a moment (their moment) that they could be lifted to a better place.

I’ve held both my sons in my arms and watched them smile. I witnessed the blessing of birth, and all the joy and horror that comes from being 100% responsible for a human life.

I got to walk across a stage and be presented with a certificate stating that I am a CPA.

I have been able to witness the splendor of a sunrise and a sunset.

I recently was able to hold in my arms the most beautiful woman I ever met, and was able to tell her how beautiful that she is. I got to look into her eyes as I held her and feel something that I had never felt before.

To me, this is the purpose of life. Life is trying to find these moments, and to enjoy them. Because when I die I believe I will lose all of them.

I still am searching for more moments.

I want to know what it feels like to be loved.

I want to trust someone completely.

I want to walk down a beautiful beach at sunset holding hands with someone I love.

I want to hold grandkids.

No one knows what life is all about, but at least this is my take.

My Journal 068

This has been a VERY strange week for me. Many words can be used to describe it; words such as realization, disappointment, excitement, rejuvenation, confusion, and respect. I can’t explain, but it has been a nightmare and a blessing.

We have a new weekend, so here are my weekly shout outs!

Bananarama – Hope you enjoy our fair city and tell sis hello for me.

Kat – It has been GREAT being able to speak to you again. Things will work out . . I believe!

Lovely girl – Thanks for ALL the support and comfort. I love having you in my life again; especially now.

LL – Love to the grandkids, and thanks for the jokes.

Icyrose – My only wish was that I could have found out what it takes to earn enough respect from you to just talk to me.

So my date was alright. A lot of shit happened that was just a mess though. But I don’t discuss my “love life”. Yet something happened that I do want to share.

At one point I was standing outside of a club. I was a bit frustrated from the night, and as I mentioned above very frustrated with the events of the past few weeks. This guy, a stranger who had been sitting at the table where I had been, comes outside to find me and have a conversation. He starts this conversation with the phrase, “So what is your problem?”

Huh?

First, I had no problems I was just frustrated and having a bad time. Second, what kind of a conversation starter is that? Third, did this moron not realize that I was like a powder keg ready to explode and he was waving around a match? Seriously!

I simply turned my back and walked away.

Guess what? He was persistent! He followed me and said, “Hey buddy, I am talking to you!”

Now, I was not his “buddy” and I hate how people use that phrase when they are too ignorant to come up with a better phrase. And for the record, in my world just because someone speaks to me does not mean I am obligated to speak to them. Sorry . . . . buddy!

I calmly explain both of these points to this ignorant moron. I did move very close to him, invading his personal space, just to accentuate my points. Once I could see the understanding in his eyes, and the fear I intentionally gave to him, I again turned to walk away.

Now he grabs my arm, attempting to turn me towards him again, as he extends his hand as if he wanted to shake.

Huh?

Hey moron! If I don’t want to speak to you then I DEFINITELY don’t want to shake your hand. I stare him down again and for the third time turn to walk away. This guy has no idea the amount of restraint I am having to conjure up.

THEN, he proceeds to lecture me about how in Texas it is a sign of respect to shake hands.

Huh?

This moron is going to lecture me, a born and raised Texas country boy, on the “rules” of being a Texan? Ok, even I have my limits. DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS! I needed a release and this guy was begging me to break his jaw. So now it’s on.

But hold the phones Bat-fans. My phone begins to vibrate. I don’t know why, but I stop to read a text message. Odd huh? Hey, I had this guy without breaking a sweat so why not check messages first. Anyway, the person texting was one of my priorities.

As unbelievable as it may sound, it was from the one person that has caused so much confusion in my life. I hadn’t heard from this person in a week, and yet NOW they decide to text? It was baffling. But it wasn’t uncommon.

As much as this person confounds me, they have somehow found a way to get my attention every single time I am about to do something really stupid. It’s like they have a camera hidden next to my Johnson or something. I guess everyone has a purpose in life, and this person purpose may have always been just to keep my ass out of trouble.

Anyway, I was able to walk away laughing at my message, which by now had become two messages. I’m sure the moron had no idea what I was doing, and was probably convinced I was insane. But who gives a crap what he thinks?

Sometimes you just have to say, “What the fuck!”

I think I’ll throw in a Phil Collins “diddy” to help you understand where my head and heart are today. Enjoy!

I Don't Care Anymore – Phil Collins

Well you can tell everyone I'm a down disgrace
Drag my name all over the place - I don't care anymore.
You can tell everybody 'bout the state I'm in
You won't catch me crying 'cos I just can't win -

I don't care anymore
I don't care anymore

I don't care what you say
I don't play the same games you play.
'cos I've been talking to the people that you call all your friends
And it seems to me there's a means to an end - they don't care anymore.
And as for me I can sit here and bide my time
I got nothing to lose if I speak my mind

I don't care anymore
I don't care no more

I don't care what you say

We never played by the same rules anyway.
I won't be there anymore
Get out of my way - let me by
I got better things to do with my time

I don't care anymore
I don't care anymore

Well I don't care now what you say
'cos everyday I'm feeling fine with myself.
And I don't care now what you say
hey - I'll do alright by myself 'cos I know.
'cos I remember all the times I tried so hard
And you laughed in my face 'cos you held all the cards

I don't care anymore.

And I really ain't bothered what you think of me
'cos all I want of you is just a let me be

I don't care anymore

d'you hear I don't care no more
I don't care what you say

I never did believe you much anyway
I won't be there no more
so get out of my way - let me by
I got better things to do with my time

I don't care anymore.

D'you hear I don't care anymore
I don't care no more.
You listening I don't care no more
no more.
You know I don't care anymore
don't care no more
no more

My Journal 067

Someone asked me once if I were seeing anyone. I said no. It’s strange that this small conversation from 8 months ago can start me thinking like I did last night.

Looking back, I don’t think I was ever asked that question before or since. After all the people I’ve met in my life and all the time I’ve been with people, dating or just hanging out; no one else ever asked me that question. That may not seem odd to you, but to me it is. You see that is usually a question I ask when I begin to connect with someone. I’ve asked it hundreds of times.

So I was wondering why I haven’t been asked it more. I figure it is either because people may think that this particular question may be too personal to ask someone that you just met. Perhaps that is true. But if it is then why had I been asked to “get out of here for a while”, “go somewhere private”, or “do you have your own place” so many times. I think that those questions would be far more personal.

I believe that this is not the reason at all. I truly believe that people today just don’t want to know. I believe that the manta today is “don’t ask and you won’t have to know”. And maybe that is the current acceptable practice. But to me it really isn’t. I ask because if they are “seeing someone” then I feel I have the obligation to be respectful of the individual that they are seeing. What I mean is that if they are “seeing someone” then I will walk away and not go farther. I don’t know the person that they are seeing, but for some odd reason I believe I have the obligation to respect that relationship between them.

I don’t consider myself old fashion. I just believe that if I were seeing someone (and I don’t mean that I had been on one date) that I would hope others would be respectful of me. What is that Golden Rule?

“DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU”

Geez, my god was a pretty smart cookie.

Now here is the rub. When I was asked that question, on that night, I was excited to say that I currently wasn’t seeing someone. I would assume that most people would be slightly embarrassed to say they are not currently seeing someone. I mean who wants the stigma that they have NO ONE. But to me that isn’t embarrassing, it is truthful.

If I had been “seeing someone” I would have told this nice lady. I would have been up front and honest. It wouldn’t mean that I couldn’t chat with them, laugh with them, or have a drink with them. But it would let them know that they shouldn’t ask me to go “someplace private” with them.

Getting back to the night I was asked this question, I was beginning to like this lady. When she asked that question I was happy to answer it with a “No”. I wanted to see this person again, with a clear conscious. I would have enjoyed going “someplace private” with this lady. I really thought answering as I did was a good thing.

But do people today prefer to see someone that is already seeing someone else? I’ve noticed that dating today is more about living in the moment, with no regard for tomorrow. Maybe people don’t ask that question today because they would prefer someone who is seeing someone else, so that they could “play” tonight and know that there would be no strings tomorrow.

This boggles my mind.

Anyway, I was happy to answer “NO”. And for the past few months I avoided beginning a relationship. I did this because if I ever saw this lady again, and she asked me again, I wanted to reply in the same fashion. Yes, I did ask her on that night and she said she was not seeing anyone either.

(Don’t ask me if she was lying. We have to trust, right?)

Yet even if this question is asked to you today, what motivation do you have to be honest? You are with someone you just met, maybe just chatting in a bar, and I bet you a dollar you are lying to them about something. But did you ever think about the “what if”?

What if you end up really connecting with this person? At some point you would have to come clean about anything you “fluffed” in your initial conversations. And this coming clean approach may then change the person’s opinion of you. Your only other option at this point is to continue the fib, to protect your share of a potential relationship. But a relationship will ultimately fail if it is built on a lie.

So why fib at all? Again, I believe it is this current concept of “what can you do for me right now”.

I do enjoy the “right now”, but I also understand that there is a tomorrow and another day after that. The sun always rises again. And I personally don’t want to try to keep up with any fibs I may have told the previous night.

Am I wrong?

The impetus for this topic is that I have a date tonight. It is with someone that has suggested we get together before. I said no previously. I had a few reasons, but my main reason was simply so that I wanted to answer that question in the same fashion if the lady I was with on that night 8 months ago asked me again.

I guess that is sort of the way I roll.

Everything is normal, right? Well there is one more catch. For the past few months I have been designing a perfect date for the girl I talked to 8 months ago. I literally spent hours on the phone arranging not only specific reservations, but the specific table, and how things were to be arranged. I had planned an entire afternoon and evening. But last week I canceled it all. No big deal, it just didn’t work out and it was my call.

But what if tonight I am asked if I am seeing someone? I’m not, but in my mind I will know that I wanted to and was going to. How should I answer that question? I guess if I NEVER plan on speaking to the previous lady again I can honestly respond that I am not seeing anyone. But if in my mind I would like to see her again how should I respond?

Now we are getting into specific definitions. Argh!

Well, let’s just hope that tonight’s lady is like everyone else and doesn’t ask that question, because I don’t know how I would answer. If you are wondering if I will ask this lady that same question . . . . I already did.

My Journal 066

My dad once told me that in your darkest hour you will find your true friends. He said at the darkest moment of that darkest hour to just glance to your side. Your true friends will be standing there beside you ready to face whatever happens with you. You won’t have to ask them, they will just know.

Those that are too busy to be there aren’t your true friends.

Banana-rama has always been there. I didn’t even have to look. I don’t have to ask her anything either, we just know it.

LL hides a lot, but she showed up last night saying she just felt something was wrong. I asked her if she had my back, no matter what. She replied, “ALLWAYS”. We may not always get along perfectly, but I know that in a pinch she will be here; no questions asked.

Lovely Girl Eve came back a few weeks ago, and she hasn’t left my side since. I asked her the same question. She reminded me of the time her ex-husband was beating her. He knocked her to the ground. When she opened her eyes, she saw me. He never touched her again. Then she said even if that hadn’t happened, without a doubt, she would have my back no matter what.

And last night even my great friend Kat showed up. FYI, she is doing fine. I asked her the same question. She said that while she was gone she never once worried about me. She said she thought about me daily, but knew she wouldn’t have to worry. She said I have always taken care of myself after the others were ok. Then she said, “Fuck yes, I’ll fight to the death with you”.

These are the ones that were standing next to me when I looked to my side.

I can handle anything alone; but every once in a while it is nice to know that at some point in a miserable life you did something good enough to warrant this type of unconditional friendship.

These are my friends. I am blessed. I will be there for each of you.

The past few days have been the most disappointing days that I can remember. It’s nothing that will change my world, but something that shows I can be “duped”. When someone I trust demands my trust, I give it. I give them all the benefit of my doubts, because I trust them. But in order to live life I do believe you have to try, and that means you will occasionally get bit. You have to give trust, you have to show emotions, you have to take chances, and sometimes people use you. Lesson learned. I’ll never be bit twice.

Have a great week. I’m working on my story still. But I will email it to my friends only.