So you pretty much know that I had a really good Saturday.
Sunday? I’m not so sure yet.
I went to the game to tailgate. Sunshine let me know she was tailgating as well. My buddies like Sunshine and one of them hadn’t met her yet. So I asked her to come by to meet him.
The rest is pretty much a blur, as I was drinking heavy. But here are the highlights.
• I was surprised but I did have a good time with Sunshine.
• I got a text from Mustang to come by after the game (ohh-la-la)
• Sunshine got into trouble and needed help.
• Sunshine came back by after the game and poured a bottle of cold water on my crotch, and I keep my phone in the front pocket.
• Sunshine was a bit tipsy and was falling into stuff, so I walked her to the other side of the truck where there was nothing to fall over, and left my phone to dry.
• Mustang called, someone answered my phone and told her I was behind the truck with Sunshine.
• Sunshine had to be taken home, and I didn’t get home myself until after 3 am
• I didn’t know Mustang had called and I didn’t let her know I couldn’t come by. I just forgot.
• Sunshine puked in my car.
• Mustang sent me a text basically blowing me off.
Yup, I think that about covers Sunday. Mustang won’t talk to me and I know that by today Sunshine will be back to avoiding talking to me as well.
Damn I’m good at relationships.
Oh, one more thing. The Texans LOST!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
My Journal #320 - Jumping the Gun?
Ok, so maybe I jumped the gun.
Mustang asked me over this afternoon. She needed some assistance. Of course I went, and I fixed the problem. Then we had a few drinks, watched some TV, and . . . . .
WOW!
I love an aggressive woman.
I’ve been asked back over tonight. I think I’ll take my toothbrush.
Tomorrow I’ll be tailgating again. Since it’s a night game it’s steaks and wine.
Oh, and WE WILL WIN!
GO TEXANS!
Mustang asked me over this afternoon. She needed some assistance. Of course I went, and I fixed the problem. Then we had a few drinks, watched some TV, and . . . . .
WOW!
I love an aggressive woman.
I’ve been asked back over tonight. I think I’ll take my toothbrush.
Tomorrow I’ll be tailgating again. Since it’s a night game it’s steaks and wine.
Oh, and WE WILL WIN!
GO TEXANS!
My Journal #319 - Urggggggh!
Urgggggggggh!
I shouldn’t be having these thoughts and I DEFINITELY shouldn’t be sharing them. But sometimes this page is my sanity dumping grounds. And for some reason, tonight I have these thoughts and maybe if I dump them here they will go away.
And before I begin I need to let you know that Mustang does not know about my journals, and the other person forgot about them years ago. So I’m not preaching to the pulpit.
I didn’t get to see Mustang tonight. I had some errands to run and some things I had to do. Maybe that is why I had these thoughts. When I am with Mustang I have no thoughts but her. She is pretty, witty, and makes me smile. She likes to hold hands, touch, kiss, and she is always there when I communicate. We like the same things, we respect each other, and we both are sexual (of course me more than her, but I’m used to being more sexual that ANYYONE else).
Mustang makes me happy.
Urgggggggggh!
But she doesn’t make me go WOW!
All the times we’ve been together I’ve never once compared her to anyone in particular. EVERY other date I’ve been on I end up comparing the woman to someone I knew. All these women have good qualities and characteristics. But none of them make me go WOW like that woman did. But I ignored the thought so far.
So now I am asking myself a very important question.
All my life I’ve been the one that won’t settle. I’ve had so many chances to be the best at a lower level, or to win at a weaker competition. But unless I beat the best, or win the ultimate prize I am not satisfied. And I always find a way to win. I always compete with the highest level of competition because that is who I want to beat. I have always played for the biggest prize.
But then again, it’s always been a fair fight. It’s always been a contest where I could get stronger, or smarter, or faster, or more charming and win. The contest was never “rigged”. And I am thinking that perhaps the contest for the only person that made me go WOW is a fixed deal that I will never win no matter what I do.
So early tonight I was talking to my god. I do talk to him earlier in the evening on weekends because I do drink and I feel it’s in poor taste to talk to the almighty when I’m drunk. So I was doing my usual and praying for help with all the problems in my life. (That list is way too long to share) Then I was praying for all of you. And then I thanked god for Mustang and the feelings I get when we are together.
Backing up a bit, part of my addiction recuperation is to not take any Vision Quests. A Vision Quest is like a trance I go into where I can sense and feel more around me. I know this will sound like I’m nuts, but when I do this I see relatives of mine that have passed. (I told you!) The problem with my Vision Quests is that EVERY time I take one I am told by my relatives, and the relatives of “someone” I care about, that I need to stay close to the one that made me go WOW. The words they keep using are that she will need me soon.
I put a lot of faith in these Vision Quests as they have always put me on the right track when I am lost.
I know that if I take one now the message will be the same. But my hope to break my addiction keeps me from taking another one because I don’t want to hear that. Also, I have avoided all calls and emails from people that feel their purpose in life is to report to me about the source of my addiction.
I sometimes feel like I put myself in prison to avoid the criminals.
Ok, getting back to my chat with my god. He does speak to me from time to time. And no it’s not like a voice from above. Usually it is signs. I will ask for guidance and then in a matter of time I see a sign that gives me the answer or the right path to follow. Sometimes it’s a day, maybe a week, and sometimes never. So I end my prayer tonight with the following question.
I then pour myself a drink and wonder if or when I may get a sign from above. That is when the home phone rings. I check the caller ID and it is from my best childhood friend. Even though he is still probably my best friend, we seldom talk . . . . and never on a Friday night. So I figure it must be important and I answer.
We do the usual “buddy bullshit” for a few minutes. Then he asks me, “Hey, how is that beautiful woman you brought to my restaurant last spring doing? Are you two still together?”
Hmmmm? That would be “You know who!”
So I give him the “low-down” about all the things she did and how I finally just got tired of all her lies and bull shit. Then I told him briefly about Mustang. The next thing out of his mouth was, “Dude, when did you ever back down from a fight or settle for less than the best?”
I am totally freaking out. But he’s not done yet.
“Guess who stopped by my restaurant tonight?” He continued. “Terri did, and she asked about you.”
I know I’m all over the place, but this shit is weird and I need you to keep up. If you read my previous journals, I wrote about Terri recently. She is the amazing girl that convinced me to keep trying in my youth when my leg was crushed. She got me back to being an athlete, and it cost her everything. She had been in love with me, and she knew if I went back to being a jock I would go back to being a jerk too. But she got me there anyway. She gave up her love so I could have my love back. I’ll never forget that.
My buddy continued, “It was the strangest thing though. She told me to call you because she felt that you were confused and losing your way. She told me that you needed a friend, and then she told me to tell you to follow your heart . . . . no matter the pain”
FUCK ME!
At this point I am sitting on the kitchen floor, dead silence on the phone, just gazing at a cabinet. My buddy starts giving me a pep talk. I’ve never needed a pep talk before. But he says that he feels destiny is pushing him to tell me to go get that certain “someone”.
Geez!
We then catch up for a few minutes. But before he gets off the phone he again tells me to “Go get her!” At this point I’ve had about three heavy drinks. I do a couple of shots and decide it’s time for my nap. As you know, I take several naps a day for an hour to an hour and a half. Some nights I do sleep for a couple of hours. But I NEVER dream. If I sleep too long I have nightmares. And I try to avoid them.
So I go to my room, strip, and lie down. I must have dozed off quickly, and due to the alcohol I must have hit deep sleep just as quickly.
I had a dream!
I saw the source of my addiction. She was alone and worried. She had pain and confusion all around her. She looked up at me and came to me. She stopped just short of me. She looked angry with me. She told me I was the one that she hoped would never give up on her. Then she hugged me.
I woke up remembering the dream. I remember her words, her expressions, her scent, and most important . . . I remembered that she made me go WOW . . . . once again!
Now I sit here alone in a dark room. I will see Mustang tomorrow. Maybe that will help me block out all these distractions. But instead right now I am wondering if all the pain I’ve had in my life wasn’t to make me a better person, but to prepare me for this fight I’ve been in for years. Maybe I was supposed to learn NEVER TO QUIT.
Maybe I was supposed to be prepared for her?
I wonder if fate is really stepping in and showing me the path I should follow; or is my subconscious simply creating images and feelings to trick me into making a fool out of myself and causing me more pain as payback for all the evil I’ve done in my life. Maybe all this is a HUGE punishment for the sins of my past. Maybe Mustang is here for a reason, like to save me, and some form of a greater evil is trying to keep me away from her.
So tonight this addict is lost. And I have just one simple question . . . .
WHAT DO I DO?
Thank god for Jack Daniels!
I shouldn’t be having these thoughts and I DEFINITELY shouldn’t be sharing them. But sometimes this page is my sanity dumping grounds. And for some reason, tonight I have these thoughts and maybe if I dump them here they will go away.
And before I begin I need to let you know that Mustang does not know about my journals, and the other person forgot about them years ago. So I’m not preaching to the pulpit.
I didn’t get to see Mustang tonight. I had some errands to run and some things I had to do. Maybe that is why I had these thoughts. When I am with Mustang I have no thoughts but her. She is pretty, witty, and makes me smile. She likes to hold hands, touch, kiss, and she is always there when I communicate. We like the same things, we respect each other, and we both are sexual (of course me more than her, but I’m used to being more sexual that ANYYONE else).
Mustang makes me happy.
Urgggggggggh!
But she doesn’t make me go WOW!
All the times we’ve been together I’ve never once compared her to anyone in particular. EVERY other date I’ve been on I end up comparing the woman to someone I knew. All these women have good qualities and characteristics. But none of them make me go WOW like that woman did. But I ignored the thought so far.
So now I am asking myself a very important question.
All my life I’ve been the one that won’t settle. I’ve had so many chances to be the best at a lower level, or to win at a weaker competition. But unless I beat the best, or win the ultimate prize I am not satisfied. And I always find a way to win. I always compete with the highest level of competition because that is who I want to beat. I have always played for the biggest prize.
But then again, it’s always been a fair fight. It’s always been a contest where I could get stronger, or smarter, or faster, or more charming and win. The contest was never “rigged”. And I am thinking that perhaps the contest for the only person that made me go WOW is a fixed deal that I will never win no matter what I do.
So early tonight I was talking to my god. I do talk to him earlier in the evening on weekends because I do drink and I feel it’s in poor taste to talk to the almighty when I’m drunk. So I was doing my usual and praying for help with all the problems in my life. (That list is way too long to share) Then I was praying for all of you. And then I thanked god for Mustang and the feelings I get when we are together.
Backing up a bit, part of my addiction recuperation is to not take any Vision Quests. A Vision Quest is like a trance I go into where I can sense and feel more around me. I know this will sound like I’m nuts, but when I do this I see relatives of mine that have passed. (I told you!) The problem with my Vision Quests is that EVERY time I take one I am told by my relatives, and the relatives of “someone” I care about, that I need to stay close to the one that made me go WOW. The words they keep using are that she will need me soon.
I put a lot of faith in these Vision Quests as they have always put me on the right track when I am lost.
I know that if I take one now the message will be the same. But my hope to break my addiction keeps me from taking another one because I don’t want to hear that. Also, I have avoided all calls and emails from people that feel their purpose in life is to report to me about the source of my addiction.
I sometimes feel like I put myself in prison to avoid the criminals.
Ok, getting back to my chat with my god. He does speak to me from time to time. And no it’s not like a voice from above. Usually it is signs. I will ask for guidance and then in a matter of time I see a sign that gives me the answer or the right path to follow. Sometimes it’s a day, maybe a week, and sometimes never. So I end my prayer tonight with the following question.
“Is the WOW effect I get from “someone” more important than my current happiness?”
I then pour myself a drink and wonder if or when I may get a sign from above. That is when the home phone rings. I check the caller ID and it is from my best childhood friend. Even though he is still probably my best friend, we seldom talk . . . . and never on a Friday night. So I figure it must be important and I answer.
We do the usual “buddy bullshit” for a few minutes. Then he asks me, “Hey, how is that beautiful woman you brought to my restaurant last spring doing? Are you two still together?”
Hmmmm? That would be “You know who!”
So I give him the “low-down” about all the things she did and how I finally just got tired of all her lies and bull shit. Then I told him briefly about Mustang. The next thing out of his mouth was, “Dude, when did you ever back down from a fight or settle for less than the best?”
I am totally freaking out. But he’s not done yet.
“Guess who stopped by my restaurant tonight?” He continued. “Terri did, and she asked about you.”
I know I’m all over the place, but this shit is weird and I need you to keep up. If you read my previous journals, I wrote about Terri recently. She is the amazing girl that convinced me to keep trying in my youth when my leg was crushed. She got me back to being an athlete, and it cost her everything. She had been in love with me, and she knew if I went back to being a jock I would go back to being a jerk too. But she got me there anyway. She gave up her love so I could have my love back. I’ll never forget that.
My buddy continued, “It was the strangest thing though. She told me to call you because she felt that you were confused and losing your way. She told me that you needed a friend, and then she told me to tell you to follow your heart . . . . no matter the pain”
FUCK ME!
At this point I am sitting on the kitchen floor, dead silence on the phone, just gazing at a cabinet. My buddy starts giving me a pep talk. I’ve never needed a pep talk before. But he says that he feels destiny is pushing him to tell me to go get that certain “someone”.
Geez!
We then catch up for a few minutes. But before he gets off the phone he again tells me to “Go get her!” At this point I’ve had about three heavy drinks. I do a couple of shots and decide it’s time for my nap. As you know, I take several naps a day for an hour to an hour and a half. Some nights I do sleep for a couple of hours. But I NEVER dream. If I sleep too long I have nightmares. And I try to avoid them.
So I go to my room, strip, and lie down. I must have dozed off quickly, and due to the alcohol I must have hit deep sleep just as quickly.
I had a dream!
I saw the source of my addiction. She was alone and worried. She had pain and confusion all around her. She looked up at me and came to me. She stopped just short of me. She looked angry with me. She told me I was the one that she hoped would never give up on her. Then she hugged me.
I woke up remembering the dream. I remember her words, her expressions, her scent, and most important . . . I remembered that she made me go WOW . . . . once again!
Now I sit here alone in a dark room. I will see Mustang tomorrow. Maybe that will help me block out all these distractions. But instead right now I am wondering if all the pain I’ve had in my life wasn’t to make me a better person, but to prepare me for this fight I’ve been in for years. Maybe I was supposed to learn NEVER TO QUIT.
Maybe I was supposed to be prepared for her?
I wonder if fate is really stepping in and showing me the path I should follow; or is my subconscious simply creating images and feelings to trick me into making a fool out of myself and causing me more pain as payback for all the evil I’ve done in my life. Maybe all this is a HUGE punishment for the sins of my past. Maybe Mustang is here for a reason, like to save me, and some form of a greater evil is trying to keep me away from her.
So tonight this addict is lost. And I have just one simple question . . . .
WHAT DO I DO?
Thank god for Jack Daniels!
Friday, October 12, 2012
My Journal #318 - Happy B-Day Kat!
Yup, it’s another BANNER FRIDAY!
Martel – A cowboy? Really? Well good for you! Once you’ve been ridden, you never go back!
Banana Rama – Did you get married on your weekend get-a-way?
Sasha Lucille – Nope, no one gets to talk to Mustang yet.
HMPOA – Thanks for all the kind words.
Kat – Where ever you are, you are loved and missed. I hope you are alive. Happy Birthday!
Sunshine – I wish with all my heart that I knew what to say here.
So . . . .
I didn’t post my “Friend or Foe” journal. I think I am going to attempt to re-word it and make it less . . . . umm . . . . angry is the word I guess. Anyway, maybe I will and maybe I won’t. But I just wanted you to know that it is not forthcoming.
I have a VERY busy weekend ahead of me. Again, I don’t discuss my future plans here anymore. But I would assume you will all know where I will be on Sunday night. And as usual if anything “stunning” happens I will report back. But it won’t be Sunday night. I probably won’t even get home until Monday morning.
Also, three people have discussed the “My Addiction” journal with me. Martel was guessing, and she was wrong. I have shared with her though. I also got two emails, and one was from a follower I never met. It was interesting, but they both knew exactly what addiction I was referring to.
As you may have noticed, today is Kat’s birthday. Unfortunately I haven’t heard from her in about a year now. The last I heard she was hoping to get a job working off shore. But knowing her as I do, she could be in prison again.
Anyway, since today is her birthday I will honor her by talking about her.
I met Kat in 1998. She was a driver for me back then. We became friends on her second tour with the company. She prefers women and she is the masculine person in any relationship. So when we started hanging out it was like two guys, and nothing more.
When she would get into trouble I would arrange her bail, or call her folks, or go get her girlfriend. And I was always the one she would call simply because she knew I would get something done. So when I got into trouble and had no place to live, I turned to Kat; and spent many nights at Kat’s with her girlfriend.
Those were WILD times. We had Whiskey and Tequila every night. Smoking non-stop and the occasional harder crap was common. I would get a couch to sleep on and in return I would take the girlfriend to her job early in the morning.
Kat became my big sister, and somehow felt she was my protector as well.
Whenever a girl did me wrong she was ready, willing and able to go “kick some serious ass”. For the record I never did want anyone’s ass kicked. But trust me if I said go, she would have gone.
In all the years I knew her she never forgot my birthday; but I didn’t hear from her this year. Last year she walked 3 miles to a pay phone just to call me and wish me a Happy Birthday. Then she told me to come and pick her up and take her home. She didn’t think she could walk back home. Kat is a BIG girl.
And in all the years I’ve known her I never missed her birthday. But this year I have no idea where she is or how to get into touch with her. So this year will be the first year in 14 years that neither of us get in touch. To me that is sad.
So tonight I will ask each of you to say a quick prayer. I ask you to pray that Kat is alive.
I hope I hear from her soon.
Luv ya Kat!
Oh, and GO TEXANS!!!! UNDEFEATED!!!!
Martel – A cowboy? Really? Well good for you! Once you’ve been ridden, you never go back!
Banana Rama – Did you get married on your weekend get-a-way?
Sasha Lucille – Nope, no one gets to talk to Mustang yet.
HMPOA – Thanks for all the kind words.
Kat – Where ever you are, you are loved and missed. I hope you are alive. Happy Birthday!
Sunshine – I wish with all my heart that I knew what to say here.
So . . . .
I didn’t post my “Friend or Foe” journal. I think I am going to attempt to re-word it and make it less . . . . umm . . . . angry is the word I guess. Anyway, maybe I will and maybe I won’t. But I just wanted you to know that it is not forthcoming.
I have a VERY busy weekend ahead of me. Again, I don’t discuss my future plans here anymore. But I would assume you will all know where I will be on Sunday night. And as usual if anything “stunning” happens I will report back. But it won’t be Sunday night. I probably won’t even get home until Monday morning.
Also, three people have discussed the “My Addiction” journal with me. Martel was guessing, and she was wrong. I have shared with her though. I also got two emails, and one was from a follower I never met. It was interesting, but they both knew exactly what addiction I was referring to.
As you may have noticed, today is Kat’s birthday. Unfortunately I haven’t heard from her in about a year now. The last I heard she was hoping to get a job working off shore. But knowing her as I do, she could be in prison again.
Anyway, since today is her birthday I will honor her by talking about her.
I met Kat in 1998. She was a driver for me back then. We became friends on her second tour with the company. She prefers women and she is the masculine person in any relationship. So when we started hanging out it was like two guys, and nothing more.
When she would get into trouble I would arrange her bail, or call her folks, or go get her girlfriend. And I was always the one she would call simply because she knew I would get something done. So when I got into trouble and had no place to live, I turned to Kat; and spent many nights at Kat’s with her girlfriend.
Those were WILD times. We had Whiskey and Tequila every night. Smoking non-stop and the occasional harder crap was common. I would get a couch to sleep on and in return I would take the girlfriend to her job early in the morning.
Kat became my big sister, and somehow felt she was my protector as well.
Whenever a girl did me wrong she was ready, willing and able to go “kick some serious ass”. For the record I never did want anyone’s ass kicked. But trust me if I said go, she would have gone.
In all the years I knew her she never forgot my birthday; but I didn’t hear from her this year. Last year she walked 3 miles to a pay phone just to call me and wish me a Happy Birthday. Then she told me to come and pick her up and take her home. She didn’t think she could walk back home. Kat is a BIG girl.
And in all the years I’ve known her I never missed her birthday. But this year I have no idea where she is or how to get into touch with her. So this year will be the first year in 14 years that neither of us get in touch. To me that is sad.
So tonight I will ask each of you to say a quick prayer. I ask you to pray that Kat is alive.
I hope I hear from her soon.
Luv ya Kat!
Oh, and GO TEXANS!!!! UNDEFEATED!!!!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
My Journal #317 - Which is . . .
So here is my horoscope for today.
THURSDAY, OCT 11, 2012
Some people say that you spend your whole life fantasizing, although you would probably disagree, preferring to think that you believe in magic. The planets have moved into a configuration that encourages you to actually come to your senses in terms of one particular relationship that has taken up your time and attention for a while. You become aware of your partner's real motives, and may decide to call it a day.
Some people say that you spend your whole life fantasizing, although you would probably disagree, preferring to think that you believe in magic. The planets have moved into a configuration that encourages you to actually come to your senses in terms of one particular relationship that has taken up your time and attention for a while. You become aware of your partner's real motives, and may decide to call it a day.
Which is worse?
That the horoscope is 100% accurate ot that someone is watching it happen?
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
My Journal #316 - So instead . . . .
I had my second meeting with my friend yesterday. You know him, the guy that also claims to be a shrink. He also reads my journals here. For the record, he wants to make it clear to all of you that he hates being called a shrink. So now I do it just to piss him off.
Anyway, I am COMPLETELY healed. Of course he disagrees and insists on a few more sessions. But really, what does he know.
[Shhh, I really am healed!]
I just wrote a journal about false friends aptly titled, “Friend or Foe”. But as I did my proof reading, I found it to be rather rude and harsh. And even though it was all true, I am going to pontificate about it for another day and see if I should or shouldn’t post that one.
So until then, even though I told you I wouldn’t talk about Mustang (Yup, we’re still “cookin”), I will make a quick list of the things she does that makes me go “awww”.
[No I’m not a “weenie boy”, just a romantic]
Anyway, here is the list.
• She likes to kiss, she’s good at it, and every now and then I hear a gasp.
• She likes to touch when she talks, just like me.
• She holds hands.
• She tells the truth and believes that withholding information is a lie too.
• She smiles when she sees me.
• She replies to every text and email; and she answers every phone call.
• She is cute.
• She has said YES every time I’ve asked her out.
• She loves football and beer.
• She drinks whiskey!
And Finally . . .
• She tells me she enjoys “eating broccoli”!!!
[I will make her prove that though!]
Good Night friends!
Anyway, I am COMPLETELY healed. Of course he disagrees and insists on a few more sessions. But really, what does he know.
[Shhh, I really am healed!]
I just wrote a journal about false friends aptly titled, “Friend or Foe”. But as I did my proof reading, I found it to be rather rude and harsh. And even though it was all true, I am going to pontificate about it for another day and see if I should or shouldn’t post that one.
So until then, even though I told you I wouldn’t talk about Mustang (Yup, we’re still “cookin”), I will make a quick list of the things she does that makes me go “awww”.
[No I’m not a “weenie boy”, just a romantic]
Anyway, here is the list.
• She likes to kiss, she’s good at it, and every now and then I hear a gasp.
• She likes to touch when she talks, just like me.
• She holds hands.
• She tells the truth and believes that withholding information is a lie too.
• She smiles when she sees me.
• She replies to every text and email; and she answers every phone call.
• She is cute.
• She has said YES every time I’ve asked her out.
• She loves football and beer.
• She drinks whiskey!
And Finally . . .
• She tells me she enjoys “eating broccoli”!!!
[I will make her prove that though!]
Good Night friends!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
My Journal #315 - Addictions
I guess I had an addiction?!?
That is hard to admit. I mean, I’ve never had any kind of an addiction before . . . to anything. So to finally realize that I may have a problem was a real “eye opener”.
Being me, once I realized this I put together a program. Sure, I could have talked to that shrink dude. But how difficult is it to break an addiction? And I am one of those “never quit” kind of guys, and I am far brighter than most other folks. So this should have been easy.
Here was the plan I put together.
• Change my routine
• Change my habits
• Substitute for something healthier if necessary
• Brace for impact
To change my routine I first had to figure out that I had a routine. And yes, everyone has routines; even someone like me that was taught never to develop a routine. It just happens. That was an awakening moment as well.
So I started looking as to how and where the addiction played into this routine I found in my life. I found that at certain times of the day, I did things to contribute to the addiction. I also found that there were certain days of the week, and days in the month; where I would do the same. I was so surprised with myself.
I immediately changed my routine.
To change my habits, I again had to first figure out that I had poor habits. The difficult part after that realization was figuring out that my habits were going to be a mental adjustment.
Basically I had to convince myself that the object of my addiction is bad, even if I didn't believe it. That was hard because in my world I had never believed it was bad. Everyone had told me it was bad, but I didn’t believe them because I didn’t see the bad, or maybe I didn’t want to see it. But since I needed to break the addiction I had to look at my object again, and tried to see it differently.
I also did research on my object, and began to see that not only had I been addicted; I had blinders on as well. And then suddenly I could see the bad in my object. And in that moment, a brief moment of clarity, I felt so ignorant and used. I had been “duped” by my addiction. I also found it to be amazing that once I chose to try to see the object in a different light, everything in my life sort of fell into place and made sense.
I then was able to change my habits.
But times were still tough, so I went ahead and started seeking a substitute. Now I am bright enough not to replace a bad habit for another bad habit. And the thought of having another habit of any type did worry me. But I needed something to help me through those moments when I didn’t care about my routine and habit. So I found a very similar object, just without the bad side effects. My question now is, “Is it an addiction even if it’s really good for you?”
Anyway, I found a replacement.
The final step is to brace for the impact. What I mean here is that I have to live my life, and it will be lived in the real world. The object of my addiction is out there in the real world. So no matter how much I prepare and distance myself from my addiction; the moment will come where I will have to face it.
Be braced!
I have to be ready for the impact, have a plan in place to evade and escape, and not allow that to return me to my addiction. I have to anticipate that moment, how it will happen, and where it will happen. I have to have every possible resolution mapped out and detailed. I have to be “Braced for Impact”.
By the way, it was a GREAT addiction at times.
*
*
*
*
*
*
Oh, and the addiction I am discussing wasn’t my smokeless tobacco. I dropped that cold turkey in a day.
[Figure it out!]
That is hard to admit. I mean, I’ve never had any kind of an addiction before . . . to anything. So to finally realize that I may have a problem was a real “eye opener”.
Being me, once I realized this I put together a program. Sure, I could have talked to that shrink dude. But how difficult is it to break an addiction? And I am one of those “never quit” kind of guys, and I am far brighter than most other folks. So this should have been easy.
Here was the plan I put together.
• Change my routine
• Change my habits
• Substitute for something healthier if necessary
• Brace for impact
To change my routine I first had to figure out that I had a routine. And yes, everyone has routines; even someone like me that was taught never to develop a routine. It just happens. That was an awakening moment as well.
So I started looking as to how and where the addiction played into this routine I found in my life. I found that at certain times of the day, I did things to contribute to the addiction. I also found that there were certain days of the week, and days in the month; where I would do the same. I was so surprised with myself.
I immediately changed my routine.
To change my habits, I again had to first figure out that I had poor habits. The difficult part after that realization was figuring out that my habits were going to be a mental adjustment.
Basically I had to convince myself that the object of my addiction is bad, even if I didn't believe it. That was hard because in my world I had never believed it was bad. Everyone had told me it was bad, but I didn’t believe them because I didn’t see the bad, or maybe I didn’t want to see it. But since I needed to break the addiction I had to look at my object again, and tried to see it differently.
I also did research on my object, and began to see that not only had I been addicted; I had blinders on as well. And then suddenly I could see the bad in my object. And in that moment, a brief moment of clarity, I felt so ignorant and used. I had been “duped” by my addiction. I also found it to be amazing that once I chose to try to see the object in a different light, everything in my life sort of fell into place and made sense.
I then was able to change my habits.
But times were still tough, so I went ahead and started seeking a substitute. Now I am bright enough not to replace a bad habit for another bad habit. And the thought of having another habit of any type did worry me. But I needed something to help me through those moments when I didn’t care about my routine and habit. So I found a very similar object, just without the bad side effects. My question now is, “Is it an addiction even if it’s really good for you?”
Anyway, I found a replacement.
The final step is to brace for the impact. What I mean here is that I have to live my life, and it will be lived in the real world. The object of my addiction is out there in the real world. So no matter how much I prepare and distance myself from my addiction; the moment will come where I will have to face it.
Be braced!
I have to be ready for the impact, have a plan in place to evade and escape, and not allow that to return me to my addiction. I have to anticipate that moment, how it will happen, and where it will happen. I have to have every possible resolution mapped out and detailed. I have to be “Braced for Impact”.
By the way, it was a GREAT addiction at times.
*
*
*
*
*
*
Oh, and the addiction I am discussing wasn’t my smokeless tobacco. I dropped that cold turkey in a day.
[Figure it out!]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)