My Journal 176

I was talking about dreams last night, so I wanted to share my unique situation. I may have discussed this before, but what the heck . . . I can’t remember.

I sleep for very short intervals, usually about two hours at a time. I do this about three to four times a day. I guess because I never sleep for very long I seldom reach the “dream state”. So I don’t have many dreams. It could be that I do dream and simply don’t have any recollection. But for whatever the reason, I only have about a dozen dreams in my life that I can recall.

Most of the dreams that I can recall are nightmares about my past adventures. When I returned from that life was when I stopped sleeping. I truly have no interest in those nightmares, and staying awake helps. But what I find very interesting is that one person has appeared three times in my dreams. That is three dreams out of about a dozen I can remember since the early eighties. That is a huge average.

That person is Sunshine. She is also the person whose voice I heard back in 1979 that gave me the push to fight to live and not just give up on life. She hadn’t even been born then, yet her voice came to me and urged me not to give up. She has also popped up a few times since then, when I was facing a situation, and she was able to talk me though it while probably not even knowing she was doing something great for me at the time. She is also the only person I can’t be myself around, and I don’t know why.

This is why I believe I have some mystical connection to her. This connection has faded in the past year. I assume this to mean that she came into my life for a purpose, and now that the purpose is fulfilled she will move away. That is sad because I hoped she could be a part of my future as well.

But I digress . . . .

I’ve always wondered about dreams and what they are like for someone else. Of course I can’t crawl into someone’s head and see their dreams at night. But I have read that dreaming is an important attribute for normal sanity. Perhaps this is why I do such bizarre stuff sometimes. Or maybe I’m just nuts and the dreams have nothing to do with it at all.

I listened to people discuss dreams, and they always seem so beautiful and relaxing. I would like to have one of those someday. It would be nice to lie down around 10:00 pm and sleep soundly until the next morning while waking to a beautiful and relaxing memory of a dream. But all I get is death and horror. I have had incredible dreams about Sunshine as I mentioned. And as good as those dream were, it’s just not worth the risk.

Anyway, I prefer reality to dreams. And with my vivid imagination I do still have my fantasies to “tide me over”.

My Journal 175

I was watching the history channel once about a specific battle during our civil war. It was one of the first clashes in a completely wooded environment. The Confederates were slightly outnumbered, and had limited heavy artillery. During the battle, the Union troops punched a hole in the Confederate lines. The second in command for the Confederates rode up to the General and suggested a retreat.

The General simply told the second in command to, “grab a dozen or so Texan’s and they will plug the line!”

Actually, he was right. About 100 Texan’s under his command rushed to the area where the Union troops were about to send Infantry and Calvary right through the lines. It is written that the Texan’s had no intention of waiting for the Union to attack them. So the 100 or so Texan’s charged the Union Troops, which numbered over 1,000 by that time.

About an hour later, 80 or more Texan’s returned with horses, food and heavy artillery; which had been left behind by the retreating Union troops.

I tell this story to accentuate a point, Texan’s have a reputation. It’s a reputation of pride, honor, honesty, and a calm and slow demeanor which can blow up to a never say die attitude when pushed. People born in Texas are gifted these characteristics. We brag, but we back it up.

I believe my god loves Texas. So when he sends a soul down to earth that he knows will have heart, he makes sure they land in Texas. You see, Texan’s don’t claim to be smarter or faster or harder working than anyone else. But we do have a huge heart. Over the centuries, many people have moved to Texas from other parts of the US. We have accepted them all as we are a very giving group. But just because we accept them doesn’t mean we will change to their ways.

Many have come here and tried to bring the ways of their state to Texas. Those people see us as slow talkers, kind, and generous; so they suspect we are ignorant and try to deceive us. But it seldom works. Personally, I am a bit tired of all these people coming to my state and trying to change us to be like them. I do just fine as a Texan, thank you.

So for all you people that have made the wise choice to move to god’s country; I welcome you with open arms. But for those of you that come here simply to take advantage of our heritage while lying to us at every turn . . . . GO HOME! You will eventually be unhappy here.

We have lots of room, for the good folks and the bad. We accept them all. But when you come here; learn from us about how to be proud, honest, generous and giving. Learn to take care of yourself and not ask for help. Heck, we will show up and help anyway, that’s what we do. Try being honest, shoot it’s worked for us for 200 years. And don’t use us. We will help you so just be honest and ask us.

But quit trying to lie and cheat your way around us.

Seriously, if you feel the need to deceive people . . . . go back home and deceive them. We might get ticked off after a while if you stay. And if you doubt our ability to take care of our own, ask the guys I wrote about above . . . . or the guys at the Alamo. What country did your state beat the crap out of???

Third Eye Blind - How's It Going To Be

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder is there anything
I'm going to miss

I wonder how it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there's no one there to talk to
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be

Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like the hammock by the
Doorway we spent time in swings empty
Don't see lightning like last fall
When it was always about to hit me

I wonder how's it going to be
When it goes down
How's it going to be
When you're not around
How's it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be

And how's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion oblivion

How's it going to be
When you don't know me any more
How's it going to be
How's it going to be

My Journal 174

Ya know, the best part about a holiday weekend is that the next week is short. Of course I think I have to work in the morning, but it is the end of another miserable week.

Banana-Rama – Don’t marry Dink without letting me know first.

Martel – Good luck with your big interview, and remember our deal!

Sunshine – You are in my thoughts and I miss our talks.

Lovelygirl – No visit during the rodeo, no visit this summer . . . feeling no love here!

HMPOA – We seriously have a bet? Naked pictures of the loser!

Argh . . . not doing well. It’s been about two month’s drought for me. Well, I had a shot this weekend. But I somehow grew a conscience and couldn’t take advantage of an incredibly inebriated and horny young lady. Geez, I was concerned about her feelings . . . what was wrong with me?

And the outlook for the weekend is dismal as well. I have to work Saturday morning so I can’t get too crazy Friday night. Saturday afternoon and evening I am helping my brother with a security gig, and I don’t screw around on these types of jobs. Sunday I am at the big game all day, and I refuse to have sex in one of those port-o-cans. I’ve heard people do it there, but damn!!! The stench is so bad I couldn’t stay excited no matter how hot she is.

Seriously, I am considering the married chick in SA. I know, it’s immoral and against my rules. But geez, she keeps asking. And she is pretty good at one thing, which we both enjoy. And if I recall, our previous president stated that the particular act I am referring to isn’t sex. Hmmm?!?!?!

Or I could just leave my conscience at home.

So, here is my horoscope for today.

“Your mind is quite susceptible to illusions of what could be, rather than what really is, at the moment, dear Aries, and this is especially true of romantic relationships and friendships. Whether you imagine very wonderful things or very sinister things, it's unlikely to be realistic, so it's best not to act upon your ideas for the time being.”

Do you know how difficult it is for me NOT to act on my gut feelings? I guess it’s a pretty good thing I don’t live my life by these horoscopes. I find it more fun to read yesterday’s horoscope and find out what was SUPPOSED to happen and compare it to what ACTUALLY happened. Honestly, you would be amazed how many times I find it true. But alas . . . .

Have a great weekend. Hug somebody too. Hell, hug me if you see me. And don’t forget to remember Sunday.

Oh and think about me once, I’ll be thinking about you.

My Journal 173

This Sunday will be an anniversary date. To me, it will be a very important anniversary. I hope it will be a day people remember the same day 10 years ago.

Ten years ago today, all of us were attacked. For the first time since Pearl Harbor, someone attacked us here. And just like in Pearl Harbor, the only way they could attack was to sneak in when we didn’t know we were at war. They didn’t have the guts to walk right up to us, look us in the eye, and attack. No, they had to sneak up on us and surprise us with a bloody massacre.

Someone came onto our property. Someone snuck into our house. Someone attacked our family, our friends, our associates, and our fellow Americans. Do you remember where you were? Do you remember how you felt?

Shock? Fear? Anger? Revenge? . . . . .

Patriotism????

It has been ten years since this attack. We have experienced political problems, more deaths, wars that people regret, accusations, and challenges to our way of life. Over ten years, somehow we forgot that feeling of wondering if you were the next to be attacked, or even the next to die. People forgot how much they wanted to live.

Somehow people forgot the shock. People got over the fear. People’s anger subsided. The want for revenge passed. But most important to me is that our Patriotism died.

Ten years ago this country came together like I’ve never seen before. We had one unified goal. We had one leader. We had one path to follow. As a country, we all agreed that we would do whatever we had to do to catch the people responsible for this attack and to ensure that they will never be able to attack us again.

Every home waved an American flag to show support and solidarity. Every one of our governmental leaders was given a green light to “go get ‘em”. Every soldier was a hero. Common men did things way above the norm to save lives, or help their neighbors. Songs about our pride became hits. Shows about courage were watched night after night.

We were what America is supposed to be!!!

But today, few homes fly their Americana Flag anymore. We chastise the leaders that “went after ‘em”. We question their motives. We scream that our soldiers need to come home, and they are not being useful. Common men are sitting on their couch watching re-runs of “The Simpson’s”. The popular songs are about killing cops and raping women.

How did we get back to this horrible place?

Thirty two years ago the same fear existed. Only it was a handful of people that noticed it. The Soviet Union was strong and powerful, and growing bigger each day. So someone decided that the only options available were to be apathetic and wait for them to come after us, or to be rogue and go after them before they attacked. People were asked to believe that what they were being told to do would save hundreds of thousands of lives. So people went and did these horrible things . . . . OVER THERE!

Do you think we could pull off something like that today?

We are still vulnerable. The only way this great country can be beaten is if we beat ourselves. The only way we can beat ourselves is to be apathetic, and let our personal wants exceed the NEEDS of the group. The only way we can be attacked again is if YOU let them.

So, Sunday is a big anniversary to me. I hope people remember. I hope a few stand up again. I hope one man steps up and says ENOUGH!

Wave your flags, sing the national anthem, get off your ass, but most important . . . .

REMEMBER!!!

My Journal 172

The WOW effect!

What is that you ask? You know when you see someone, either for the first time or not, and something inside of you goes “WOW”?

That is the WOW effect.

It’s when someone is so stunning, sharp, sexy or something else where you can’t resist saying (or just thinking if you are shy) WOW! For me it’s that feeling where you miss a breath, your heart skips a beat, and if you have to speak you need to seriously re-compose yourself first.

The frightening WOW effect!

That is what I have found that I need. As all of you that regularly read along know, I am searching for someone. You remember; the walk on the beach at moonlight, the candle lit dinner with a good port wine, the drive down the freeway with your hair blowing in the wind and holding hands with someone special, Sunday morning sex followed by Sunday afternoon sex, etc. Well now I know how to tell if I found that person.

I have to blurt out WOW!

Gosh that sounds simple. You see someone, you go WOW, and live happily ever after. But unfortunately it’s not that simple (Even for someone as INCREDIBLE a catch as me). You see when you blurt out WOW; the other person probably needs to blurt out WOW also. That makes it a bit more complicated.

I’m not a big believer of love at first sight. I do believe in LUST at first sight, but love needs to simmer for a while. What I am trying to figure out today is can the WOW effect simmer for a while and finally raise its glorious head. Or does it have to be the first reaction? Crap, I really don’t know. I just figured this out over the past weekend.

I’ve experienced this WOW effect about three times in my life, even though I hadn’t figured out what it was yet. Once I pissed it away because of who I was at the time. Another time I pissed it away because I couldn’t imagine the person would ever say WOW about me, even though she was telling everyone else WOW about me. The third time I pissed it away because the person isn’t the type to ever say WOW, or at least not that I had ever seen.

I couldn’t tell you where the first two “WOW’s “are today. They are long gone. The third “WOW” I can still vaguely see on the horizon. But I think she’s peddling VERY fast in the opposite direction. And it’s one of those things where I believe if I peddle after her, she might peddle faster.

A fading WOW!

I think you can like someone, and even like them so much that you attempt a relationship. But for me, now that I know, if there is no WOW then I know it won’t work. I’m addicted to the WOW effect. I have to have it. I need it to survive. So if I settle for something less, then I will still be searching. This means I would have to lie to the person I like, the one who isn’t the WOW. And that is definitely not fair to that person. They probably deserve a WOW.

That damn WOW effect.

So, now I know. All I have to do now is figure out how to make someone go WOW.

I’ve got no freakin’ clue.

WOW!

My Journal 171

TGIF! And now for this week’s shout-outs!

Lovelygirl – Thanks for the all the sweet comments about my poem.

Banana-rama – I SERIOUSLY hope that you are right. Shhh, our secret!

Martel – So, are you my Fantasy Football chick or not???

Kat – I know you can’t read this, but I’m thinking about you and when you get out we will party!

Niki-Cole – Hey, it’s perfectly ok to come to Houston also!

HMPOA – So, if I bought you a child’s small jersey would you wear that too? It would be tight, but VERY interesting . . . . . (Hehehehe)

Last night was my Fantasy draft. So for giggles and laughs, here is my projected starting lineup.

QB – Drew Brees, New Orleans Saints

RB – Arian Foster, Houston Texans

RB – Shonn Greene, New York Jets

WR – Steve Johnson, Buffalo Bills

WR – Santonio Holmes, New York Jets

FLEX – Joseph Addai, Indianapolis Colts

TE – Zach Miller, Seattle Seahawks

DEF – Atlanta Falcons

K – Dave Carpenter, Miami Dolphins

Wish me luck!

Is this year just flying by for you also? Gee, it seems like just yesterday I was celebrating Christmas. Yet in a blur it’s now September again. The summer is slipping away. Granted, it’s still 100 + degrees outside, but the end is near.

And I am amazed at how different my world is today, even comparing it to a mere four months ago.

The only saving grace is that as the summer winds down, football kicks in. (Lord I love football) I made most of the games at my alma mater last year and I plan to make a few more this year. I will also be at every Texan game this year. I do love watching football, but I also cherish hanging out at the pool. It’s really almost a wash.

But life is about change. Everything changes sometimes on a daily basis. People walk in and out of your life constantly as well. When they leave, sometimes you are sort of oblivious or sort of happy. But occasionally when someone vanishes it’s sad. It’s kind of like the seasons. I never mind the winter leaving because it’s dark, cold and lonely. But summer . . . . I definitely miss it when it’s gone.

The advantage about watching the seasons pass is that you know about when it will leave, you definitely know when it’s gone, and you know it will be back someday. People are different. You don’t know if or when they will leave. Sometimes they have left and you don’t even know it. And you never know when or if they will ever be back.

I’ve never left someone I care about. Some have left me, but I realize that I am a difficult person to be around for long periods. So I accept it. But I really don’t think people can stop caring about someone they once cared about. And I don’t believe that if you care about someone that you could leave them. So when people do leave my life I just assume that they never really cared. Then I don’t mind that they left. It just takes a while to get there sometimes.

What I do know is that I have some really solid friends today that have been around me for many years. That is a blessing, and I appreciate it and you. And I definitely care for all of you. Ya’ll are definitely the best!

So enjoy the changing of the seasons. Summer will be back!

Until then . . . . Are you ready for some FOOTBALL???

This is a long weekend so make the best of it. Live, laugh, love and tell someone you care about them. Seriously, someone may not know that you care and tomorrow may be too late to share.

Oh, and think about me once or twice this weekend. I will be thinking about you . . . . stepping out of a pool . . . . water dripping down your body . . . . ummmmm . . . . .

Ciao!