My Journal #274 - Quotes

Happy Friday!

And it’s especially happy for me because I am taking off a few days next week. I’ve been dealing with a ton of disappointment in the past two months, so I am travelling to an area just south of Mexico City to have a chat with a departed friend at his resting place. You see, a few years ago he warned me about someone; and the pain I feel today is because I didn’t heed his advice.

So off I go for a day or two. But now it is time for my Friday shout outs!

Banana Rama – So you’re telling me that NONE of your friends have nice boobies???

Martel – You are my anchor (Shhh, our secret). Hey I never asked you . . . . Any samples?

HMPOA – Thanks for coming back into my life. Sorry we missed the hookup today, but we will get together soon!!!

Sasha Lucille – I had a good time . . . so let’s do it again! It got my mind off of “things” for a moment.

Quote #1
“Even though we are deceived, still believe. Though we are betrayed, still forgive. Love completely even those who hate you.”
Sun Myung Moon

Yup, I hit on the topic of deceit and betrayal again. You see, one of the things I try to do on a regular basis is to give the female sex a glimpse of the world through the male’s eyes. By doing this I hope to arm you with enough information to understand us males and perhaps make your life considerably more enjoyable.

Today I want to actually give advice to both the males and females as it suits both sexes. So consider this Global Data Exchange.

For those of you who know me personally, you know that I have had a rather interesting life. The most interesting part was when I developed some severe morals regarding truth. In my job back then, I had to assume that everyone was lying to me. I couldn’t trust anyone. And that is a hard thing to do. Most people have a natural instinct to trust. But I had to re-learn and remind myself constantly not to trust people.

So my Global Data Exchange advice is if you have a friend or care about someone, be honest with them. I know that sometimes it could be difficult, especially if they are keeping some things hidden from you. But trust me when I say that EVERYONE prefers the truth, even if it is bad news. Don’t you?

Whatever the truth is, share it with those you care about. If you think that they talk funny, tell them. If you think they are rude to old people, tell them. Anything at all . . . tell them. Give them a chance to know the truth and then you can watch how they change or adapt to the truth. You can learn a lot about someone’s character by observing how they deal with the truth.

And especially tell the truth about feelings. If you like someone but know that they are not a person with which you would ever have a relationship, tell them IMMEDIATELY so they don’t waste their time. Yes, if they know that there is no future they will move on to someone with which they could have a future. And definitely if they ask you . . . BE HONEST!

Folks, this applies to secrets as well. Ok, we all have some secrets hidden in the closet. But if you have a secret that would affect a friend . . . have enough respect to tell them. Yes, it is an issue of respect. If you don’t respect them enough to share the truth and the secrets, then you don’t respect them enough to care or be a friend. And then you should tell them that!

Your friend will eventually find out the truth, and that you held it. You will eventually end up sitting alone, drinking alone, and crying alone wondering why you have no friends. You will consider everyone else wrong, and have trouble finding simple pleasures.

So I am a trust freak. I have left so many people that I once trusted simply because they broke that trust. And I am not hard to confide in. I am non-judgmental and very understanding, so there is no reason to deceive me. This is one of the reasons I am visiting my departed friend. I was told years ago that I would be deceived, lied to and used. I fought with my friend to defend another trusted person. My friend turned out to be right; so I owe him to let him know this in person.

Quote #2
“People sleep well at night because really tough guys do really mean things to really evil people.”
A unit CO paraphrasing Winston Churchill

Those of you who know me are aware I was never a soldier. I was however recruited, broken down, trained and used in a similar fashion as a soldier. In that role, I also had many similar physical and mental challenges as a soldier would have. I had moments of glory and moment of horror. I was shot at, attacked, fought, captured, tortured and spent many nights in cover or hiding in plain sight.

I doubted god and country at times. I doubted myself at times too. I constantly wonder how I lived while others, better men, died. I question my sanity. To this day I do not know for sure if the things I did were good or just plain evil. I did have orders, but I also had to take liberties in my tasks. But what keeps me semi-sane is believing that the tough guys referred to in Quote #2 include me.

Most of you weren’t alive when I was on task. Most of you have no idea of the trouble that existed in the places I visited. Most of you have no idea what I went through, or how good I was at my tasks. I pride myself with the thought that you never needed to know. I try to believe that because I went there, and did what I did, you sleep well at night never knowing a threat existed; and trusting that no threat can exist now.

The “why” and “how” part is not important anymore.

But the fact that no one knows also makes me doubt myself. I came home from my final task under the cover of darkness in a single prop plane. I was dropped off alone in Wyoming (Another strange twist in my life which I will discuss at a later date). I had a bus ticket and walking directions to a bus stop. This was my “Thank you” for risking my life again and again. I had just spent 2 days lying motionless covered in snow and what I believe was “Moose poop” just so the bad guys couldn’t find me before I completed my task. Yet there was no band playing, no flags waving, no moms and wives waving and blowing kisses, no hugs and no fan fare. I didn’t get a cheer, a thank you, or even a hand shake.

Well, if it’s ok with you I am going to go on believing I was one of those really tough guys that protected you while you slept; and was a silent hero. You see, if I don’t then I was simply one of the evil people that got away. And the tough guys may be looking for me now.

[This may also explain why I’m being tortured today]

Quote #3
“Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder”
(Heck if I know who started this crap?)

I am a spiritual guy today. I believe that there is a Supreme Being and I do chat with him regularly (Yup, my Supreme Being is a male). I also believe that life gives you many signs to help you on your path. You have to see them, and you have to interpret them. But I do believe that they are there. And I believe that I can go on Vision Quests and get messages from family members that have left this life. You may consider me to be an odd bird, but I suggest that if you had lived my life then perhaps you would be a bit odd as well.

Anyway, on the 4th of July (which as we all know is in the middle of my 10 days of hell anniversary) someone in my life changed. This person telegraphs their life, meaning that when something in their life happens they act exactly the same as the last time the same thing happened. So as this change occurred I was pretty sure what it meant this time.

At three previous times since we met, this person behaved exactly the same as they did on the 4th. And on each of those previous times I later discovered that a new “relationship” had formed and this was simply the person’s way of letting me know. Yup, in a blink she finds someone else, bonds with them, and decides I am useless for the time being. She won’t tell me because in her world that isn’t required.

[Shitty . . . right?]

What makes this part even weirder is that the person that stood me up on the 4th ended up telling me later that they could not do relationships with anyone. As I soaked up that comment I paused to wonder and became perplexed. You see, since I first met this person they had been in a series of relationships. Yet she is telling me she can’t do relationships, and is using that as an excuse for ending all communication with me.

Sorry, I digressed . . .

So in my prayers, and with the signs I was seeing, I felt that I was supposed to let this person alone for a while. Basically it was like . . . . oh, what is that darn phrase . . . . Oh, I remember . . . If you love something set it free. If it doesn’t return it was never yours to have. (Or something like that). Anyway, that was what I believe I was to do.

A month later I was told that I would never get what I wanted from this person. Since that conversation I have had zero communication from this person. Well, to be totally honest she did text the word “Yep” to two of my 27 text messages.

So I’m not sure what the spirits or stars were talking about. But maybe someday I will realize that they were guiding me away from a life of pain, distrust, heartache and anguish. That what my true friends have been saying for a year now. And what my departed friend told me before his passing. And now I am trying to follow their advice.

My ONLY regret is that for the first time in my life I didn’t take a swing for the fence. I wonder today what difference it would have made if on that 4th of July had I jumped in my car and gone to that person and expressed how fucked up it is to agree on something, and then to cancel it a couple of hours prior. Well, of course it would have been different so I guess I mean would things have turned out better for me.

But I followed that damned ABSTINENCE advice and for the first time took the pitch and didn’t swing. FUCK!

[Hey, there isn’t a “re-wind” button in life is there?]

Oh well, have a great weekend. I’m watching football with my “buddy with boobs” Saturday. One of my ex-team participants will be flying me out of the country Sunday night. I should be back on Tuesday. And I have been invited (AGAIN) to visit my SA friend. She is so anxious to see me that she has volunteered a second female to peak my interest.

Honestly, I’ve been around enough to know a few things about groups. I’ve had multiple women at once before, but it just isn’t as good for me. I mean females have three entry points available to males, so a female can have sex with multiple men at one time. But males only have one item to manipulate. So having two females is a waste in my opinion. But I’ll probably go anyway.

Oops, I digressed again . . .

I will think about each of you a thousand times this weekend.

And if I don’t come back, well “Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder”, right?