My Journal 155

An interview with a mad man.

“Triumph – Lay it on the Line”

Every listened to that song?

It is one of my all time favorites, but I haven’t heard it in a while. A friend of mine gave me a compilation CD this week and this was one of the songs. There were a lot of great tunes, but when this one began it hit me square in the face.

Ever have a song that just grabbed you?

Every now and then a song does that for me. This was one of those times. Let me explain why. I guess for most of my life I was the kind of person that “went for it”. Imagine a boxing match. One fighter is moving and dodging, carefully placing his punches while keeping up a strong defense and avoiding being hit by his opponent. The other fighter just moves one direction . . . forward. He doesn’t care about defense, dodging or being hit. He just moves in, takes his punishment, and finally explodes a monster punch.

Are you one of these guys?

I’ve always been that second guy in life. Wow, quickly looking back I’ve taken a bunch of blows. Some led to painful times while other led to embarrassment and humiliation. But it seemed like no matter what the blow led to, I just lived with it. Furthermore, I would do the exact same thing the next time around.

Is that determination or insanity?

Most people learn from their failures. But is pain or embarrassment a failure if the objective is reached? I guess my philosophy was that as long as the goal is achieved then the cost is negligible. Note that I used the word “was”. That one word is the impetus for this journal. I mentioned in a recent journal how that slowly over time, and without realizing it, I developed patterns. As I was listening to this song and thinking to myself that this is definitely me; I realized that slowly over time I have become less direct and more of a dodger. That song is no longer about me!

Do you wonder why that is?

I have no idea when or how it happened. But today I stop and think before I speak. I am concerned about what people will think of me and my word choice. Maybe I just got punched so many times that I unconsciously drifted into being discreet. I recall a great line from another movie I love, which is Rocky II. Balboa has decided that he won’t fight anymore. He is now married and has a kid on the way; so he wants a normal job. During one interview the owner tells Balboa that he has no education or skills; and asks him why he doesn’t just go back to fighting. His response sort of may explain my predicament.

“Have you ever been hit in the face 200 times a night? After a while it sort of starts to sting!”

Is this change a good thing or a bad thing?

Hmmm, that question is a tough one. When I was direct and forceful I did take a lot of blows, but they didn’t faze me much back then. I always knew where I stood with everyone and there was never any confusion or questions. I REALLY LIKED THAT. As you already know, the worst thing you can do to me is leave me not knowing the truth. I guess that now my face doesn’t sting anymore. But the trade off is that now I have SO MANY things that confuse me and that I question; but can’t resolve. That is maddening!

So I guess the real question is do you prefer pain and humiliation, or maddening confusion?

I’ve always been told that I was definitely not normal. The common words associated with describing me have been “off”, “strange” and of course “crazy”. I believe that other people see the real you and what you see in yourself may be a skewed image. If that is true then perhaps I am partially insane. If I accept that as true, then going mad shouldn’t be a struggle. My challenge is that I am also aggressive, and when I get REALLY confused I tend to explode. When this happens I usually dump on an innocent person simply because they are nearby. That’s not fair or good.

It sounds like you are choosing the pain and humiliation?

Well, that’s not necessarily true either. I mean maybe I did just get tired of pain and humiliation. If that is the case then we could make the argument that I need to put my big boy pants back on and be a man. But maybe this change is because I found some people that I genuinely care about, which is something I’m not accustomed to feeling. Maybe I don’t want to have them leave my world because I’m in their face too much or too forcefully. Maybe I am adjusting myself because my surroundings have changed.

So, how does your prognosis play into this?

That could be a very real point. Maybe my problem is progressing and I am slipping deeper into empty memories and misguided thoughts. Maybe I am going insane faster than my brain is dying. I mean I am dying anyway, so perhaps I should just become a recluse and leave people with the memories of me they way I was, and not what I am becoming. I’ve been alone most of my life so that would be an easy out for me.

Would that really be fair to those that care about you?

I guess if they get pissed for my actions, well I won’t know about it. But then again all we have in life is what we leave behind. I do think that over the years I touched some lives and made my mark a few times. But I hope people will find comfort with the words I leave behind. I write like I am. I keep it confusing and distant, to protect them. But if someone took the time to really try to understand my words, then they will understand my actions. But so many people are so busy with their life; I doubt this will happen often. For those that think I did this for me, well they obviously didn’t know me and won’t care about my actions. So my answer is yes, it would be fair to all.

Have you considered clearing up the confusion before this time comes?

I think about it all day every day. Even though I hadn’t realized I had changed and possibly caused this confusion myself, it is still always on my mind. Sometimes I just want to grab people and shake the shit out of them. And sometimes I want someone to care enough to grab me and shake the shit out of me too. I guess I don’t know if I will do this or not. I’m so tired of pain.

It sounds to me like you want to give up. Do you want to give up?

Gee, it does sound that way doesn’t it. When I first found out, I boldly stated that I will survive this. I mean look at all the times I should have died and didn’t. I’m not a quitter and I still have plenty left to do; and something I need to do. So I’m not giving up on me. I am debating how to interact with people. And I am perplexed if I am having a rational thought anymore; that’s all. I’ve always said I trust my gut and nothing else. But I wonder if my brain can’t interpret the message my gut is sending anymore.

So you are not giving up . . . but you are running, right?

Sure I am running. But the question is am I running from something or running to something. You seem to think that I am running from being honest and direct; and that the reason is either that I am fed up with being punched or that I have people around me that I don’t want to lose. And maybe all that is true. But the fucked up part is that no matter what I do, I lose them anyway. If I can realize that, then doesn’t it make sense that I could be running to move them out of the way of the next punch? Maybe it's my one last brave action. This is where I need my thoughts to be certain, but they just can’t get there. My brain is fading fast. I can't see people in my mind anymore. I know a name, but can't place their face to them. It's very hard to lose them while they are still here

Ok, tomorrow will you take the punch yourself or dodge it to save face?

My world has always been about the here and now. I’ve never worried much about tomorrow. So I have no idea what I will do tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Wow!

Tomorrow!

That used to be what kept me going. I guess when you know you only have so many more tomorrows to go, you immediately view today differently. I guess that is why people are always too busy; they have their tomorrow. And tomorrow they can smell the roses, watch the sunset, tell someone that they care, or take a walk down a beach. So they put people off, shut them out, and miss out on today. Then they wake up one morning and realize that they have lost someone they loved. Now that is sad.

Maybe I should just tell them that tomorrow isn’t a guarantee.

I have to go now, I have things to do.

Wait! I have one last “personal” question. Do you think that you will be missed?

Shit! If someone didn’t miss me today, then they damn sure won’t miss me tomorrow!

I really need to go now, what do I owe you?

ONE MORE FIGHT?