My Journal #254 - Round-about

Ok, it’s going to be a round-about way of getting there but hopefully it will be worth the wait.

[MAYBE?]

My brother and I played golf together a few years ago. We were paired with two other guys who had more golf experience than we did. We weren’t bad; we were just a bit unconventional for golf. Both my brother and I have big arms, big shoulders and a broad chest. The typical golfer is long and lanky, and that we were not.

We played well, but at one point one of the other guys made a comment that my brother and I just weren’t built for golf. He was right, but my brother took it personally.

“The day they don’t let you stand there all day to hit the ball is the day we will be champions. Try hitting your damn golf ball while I’m blitzing you!”

I guess I’ve always been more of a contact person. In sports I excelled at football. I sucked at basketball because I always fouled out. But it isn’t only sports where I like contact. I prefer face to face conversations. I can read the face of my listener, and I can motivate them with a well-timed pat on the hand or a brush of the thigh.

I‘m damn good at playing chess because it’s a thinking man’s game. You see I can do the mental shit as well. But I prefer checkers because you don’t think about the next three moves. You just jump in, see where you are, and then jump again. That’s my style.

Attack!

So I’m an aggressive, contact loving, jumping lunatic; EXCEPT when I play Dominoes. When I play Dominoes I drink. You would think that drinking would lead me to my typical mannerisms. But when I drink I become even more cerebral. I play Dominoes with five other folks. I can look at my tiles, look at what’s showing on the table, watch what you don’t and do play, and I can figure what tiles you have in your hand.

Then I can set you up for failure by playing tiles that force you to play tiles you don’t want to play yet. People always say I’m peeking at their tiles, but I’m not. I love planning out my next few moves, how I will set someone up, and then seeing it all happen.

[Hmmm, wonder why I dislike chess after all]

Anyway, it’s the only “game” I enjoy. Maybe it’s because I can SLAM tiles down and be the aggressive me while I’m mapping out my next three moves.

Ok, now to the point. I haven’t been aggressive lately. I’ve been mental and confused. So I’ve been trying to find myself again. Am I the golfer? Am I the football star? Am I chess or checkers? Or am I Dominoes?

Sounds crazy, right?

So I also never eat Chinese Food (long story). But tonight I actually had a craving for something sweet. All I found was a fortune cookie, so I ate it. But there was a piece of paper in it. That was when I got why they call them FORTUNE cookies. Here is my first fortune ever . . . .

“Fight for her. You will come out on top!”

[Did half of you cringe?]

Ok, so I know it’s been a very round-about journey. But maybe that stupid fortune cookie was talking to me. And for what it’s worth, I feel like the aggressive prick that I really am again!

Goodnight girls, I’ve got to map out my “fight strategy”.

My Journal #253 - Forget and you are screwed!

Ok, I forgot!

Back at the end of June I was on my deck with my ex, Tim & Kandi. She suggested that everyone meet the partners. She said that since we all had “friends” we should all meet and get to know each other.

At that time it was an ok arrangement. I had seen Sunshine a lot and we had a date scheduled for the nest weekend. So Assuming that three weeks later she would come to a big pool party wasn’t beyond the realm of acceptable. So naturally I agreed. That was my first big mistake.

So now it is weeks later and I am just rolling along. It’s a Friday night and I am on my deck with my ex, Tim and Kandi. That was when my ex reminds me that Saturday is the day that we agreed to meet the people we are dating. My heart sunk.

You see, after June 30 Sunshine wouldn’t see me again. And she hasn’t replied to an email since May. Furthermore, she hasn’t replied to a text message in over a week. So even though Sunshine and I seemed to be doing great on June 30, it’s been shit since.

So here I am one day before I am to meet my ex’s friends and her new guy while the chick I assumed would be there with me was doing her disappearing act. I was fucked. So I admitted that I had no one to bring, and my ex grinned from ear to ear. I was in some deep shit.

Allow me to briefly explain my relationship with my ex. We separated about 4 years ago. It wasn’t ugly or anything. We just sort of changed. Yes, she believed I was fucking every female I saw. But I am truly old school. When I commit to something I am serious. I didn’t cheat.

So when we separated we agreed to some details. We wouldn’t bring our current “squeeze” home. We set a schedule for when each of us would be able to go out and who would stay home. So introducing the people we were dating was a big deal. But her goal was to meet everyone and become friends so we could all hang out at the pool together.

But I forgot.

I immediately started thinking of replacement dates. I have three chicks that I used to bang a couple of years ago. Any one of them would jump at the chance to hang out with me at my pool. But the reason they were just “booty call” chicks was because of their skills in private. They were not the type I would go out in public with.

Do you get my drift here?

Naturally they wouldn’t do with the high class Kingwood friends my ex keeps now. So for a brief moment I thought about begging Martel to come by and pretend we were dating. I figured she was beautiful, classy, friendly and a lot of fun. But to subject her to the judgment of the high class bitches was more than I could ask.

So I told everyone that Sunshine would not be able to attend.

My ex’s eyes lit up.

Saturday morning I usually begin working on the pool and yard at 9 am. She got my ass up at 7 and told me her guy and her new friend would be there at 12, so I needed to get my ass going to get the yard and pool acceptable by noon. Being the subservient ass that I am, I went to work. My ex left for her morning “get-together” and then an exercise class.

About 10 am my phone rang. I answered and it was Kandi. She asked me if I were planning on attending the deal that day. I said yes. She politely suggested that I go out of town for the weekend. Apparently the ex was planning on making this day the official bust my balls day since Sunshine didn’t want to attend with me. In all honesty, I didn’t ask Sunshine since we weren’t communicating. But I was alone nonetheless.

So I asked my friend Kandi if she would have my back. Basically she wouldn’t cross my ex. You see my ex is a great person, but no one wants to cross her. So I was on my own. She insisted that I not attend. She said since Sunshine wasn’t going to be there, my ex’s new plan was to humiliate me non-stop the entire day.

So be it!

At 1:00 the caravan arrives. Three married Kingwood socialites, one kingwood divorcee, and two men. One man is dating the divorcee and one is my ex’s beau. From the very first second it is obvious that the four women are there to put me in my place.

I am cordial, and I become the cabana boy for all of them. Kandi and Tim show up, but they won’t stand up for me as they fear my ex. After about an hour of snide remarks, I sneak upstairs to my room and text Sunshine. If she replies I am thinking I will invite her then. But she doesn’t see fit to reply. I am on my own.

So the pool party quickly becomes the “Bash me” event of the year. Every woman has an opinion and since they are classy and well to do, they openly express their opinion. Basically I am the ass that screwed over my ex. And my friends Tim and Kandi won’t back me for fear of crossing my ex.

Ok, to be perfectly fair, when the comments really got bad Kandi did stick up for me while my ex wasn’t there. To summarize, she basically told the bitches that she had been with me and they would be lucky to have someone who delivered such great sex. But it went on deaf ears. Apparently since Kandi was my friend she had no place to speak for me.

It was a brutal afternoon and evening. If Sunshine were there, then they would have seen what a great woman she is, and that would have ended all the remarks. But since she wasn’t there, I was the idiot that made up dating a woman as great as Sunshine.

Oh, it gets weirder.

Everyone decided they wanted to sit in the Jacuzzi once it got dark. So I was sent to switch the pool valves and turn on the heater. Now where we keep the pumps and heater is also where everyone goes to get high. So when I go back to switch the valves, one of the married socialites is back there smoking a doob. And she offers me a hit. I accept, but she has me put my face near hers while she inhales, and then hold me close to her lips while she exhales into my mouth.

Sort of a strange thing for a woman that has been bashing me to do!

Once I get my hit I thank her. She replies that I can have it anytime I want. I am a bit confused, so I ask if we are still talking about the dope. She winks at me, smiles, and says she is talking about whatever I want.

So this bitch that has been bashing my balls all day is now flirting with me. Urgh!

Finally it’s late. The two guys, both of which I liked, leave. The four women stay to spend the night. One will sleep with my ex. One will sleep in my boy’s room and two will sleep in the guest room, which is right next to my room.

I strip down and put on my gym shorts to sleep. The divorcee steps out into the upstairs den and calls for me. I go out and she asks if I have more blankets. I then go to the linen closet and grab a blanket for her. When I go to her room, she is naked on the bed. I drop the blanket and turn to leave. She gets up, stops me, and while completely nude hands me a piece of paper; which has her phone number on it.

She grabs my package and tells me I can just come visit tonight if I want.

Geez, they bust my balls all day and now half of them want to fuck me tonight!

I locked the door to my room. I will let you know tomorrow if anyone gets in.

Damn Sunshine . . . . .

Worst and most frustrating day of my life!

My Journal #252 - IJF

I know I’m late with my Friday Blog. As some of you are aware, I have had a really bad few weeks. You probably recall that the first week of July is a reminder of a time that caused most of the nightmares I get to enjoy every time I close my eyes. But this year I had a hope for a change, so I built it up in my head. But what I hoped to happen never did, and now it caused my funk to last much longer than ever before.

 

So instead of saying TGIF I simply say IJF (It’s just Friday). Anyway, here are my shout outs . .

 

Martel – Thank you so much for entertaining me. Our late night chats keep me from being dark. You make me think, you make me laugh, and you make me happy. I appreciate you and love how you always have time for me. You’ve been there for me these past few weeks, and believe it or not you probably kept me from sliding over the edge.

 

And don’t forget to keep me informed about . . . . you know what.

 

Banana Rama – Whew, glad we got this text thing figured out. I seriously missed hearing from you as much as you used to.

 

HMPOA – Is it time to start talking again?

 

Sasha Lucille – I know this all might be like “Greek” to you, but someday I will share. For now, thanks for coming back into my life.

 

Sunshine – What can I say that I haven’t said dozens of times in the past 50 months? Maybe someday you will clue me in.

 

I promised you a story about me yesterday. I still plan on trying, but I may end up breaking a promise to you. It’s just that the story has sort of become mute now and I hate talking about boring crap. So I am pondering it. But you now have advanced warning that it may not be worth my while to share it anymore.

 

Ok?

 

Gotta run!

 

Have a great weekend and think about me a thousand times!

My Journal #251 - Wanting versus Willing

Have you ever had someone come to you for advice and in the middle of your response you realize that the advice you are giving is advice that you should be following?

Urgh! My world just keeps getting bleaker. Yup, it’s been a rough few weeks and the “hits just keep on coming”!

But I digress.

So, this friend calls me out of the blue and asks if we can meet. Now I have friends that when they call it is always a go, friends I would never say "no" to. But this friend wasn’t that close. So I had to ask as to the purpose of the meeting. I have sort of not been dating recently so I needed the purpose to be clear.

[Ok, I did bang her once and never called her back. So that may have had something to do with it as well.]

She said it was a relationship problem and she needed advice from me. My immediate thought was, “Me? Relationship questions? Crap I can’t figure out how to get into a relationship and you’re asking me for advice?” But she did sound desperate, and she said she wanted to talk to me because she knew me; and knew that I was better at the hookup than the finish up.

[I know. It sounds strange but it will eventually make sense.]

I agreed to meet, but I told her she needed to by me a drink. You could say that was a tacky thing to do, but my time is valuable and I have no plans to ever ask this female for any favor in return. I mean the only favor she could possibly provide is some private time. But you girls would judge me if I attempted to trade advice for sex. Anyway, like I said before, I’m not randomly dating right now.

And if all I wanted now was sex, I have three chicks I could call right now and get a good hook-up. But I'm sort of looking for something else now-a days.

[It’s a long story that could end up being embarrassing, so don’t ask!]

So after work I did my usual run (4 miles) and then took a shower and headed out to the pre-determined meeting spot. My friend was already there and she had already ordered me a nice merlot. (Ok, we talked a bit that one time too) And she did look nice so I remembered why I hit on her in the first place. But I quietly gave her a hug and took my seat to listen to her challenge.

[I know. You’re all hung up on my “not dating story’ but you won’t get to hear it so FOCUS!]

Here is her story. She really likes this certain guy. They have been seeing each other for over a year, but they only see each other every second or third weekend and only occasionally during the week. She said she WANTS to see him more. (I highlighted that for effect) She told me that when they are together he is so attentive to her that it makes her think she is important to him. Every date they have had has been spectacular.

The challenge is that he doesn’t ask to see her often enough. So she started suggesting things that they could do together. But either he doesn’t get it or he isn’t interested in her suggestions. So she is beginning to wonder if she could be wrong in thinking that he likes her.

[Are you even paying attention? OK - FINE, I’ll tell my dating story this weekend; so pay attention because this is good!]

I bounce a few inquisitive questions off of her trying to determine if possibly the guy could only afford a date every few weeks. Remember, I’ve told you how EXPENSIVE it is for a guy to date properly. But we sort of ruled out the lack of funding as the issue. I then tried a few other approaches but none of them seemed logical.

That was when I got this brilliant thought. It was triggered by me replaying our earlier conversation in my head and recalling that she used the word “WANTS” when she refers to her choice to see this guy. So I thought that perhaps he doesn’t necessarily WANT to see her, but he WILL see her.

The difference between the two may seem minimal. As long as both parties are aware of the difference then they may be able to coexist. If both parties are willing to see the other then it is good. The same applies when both parties want to see each other. But if a person wants to be with someone and that person only is willing to comply then you have a different level of attraction.

[That’s sort of my story today]
You see, she makes plans to have time available in case he calls because she WANTS to see him. In his world he could still like her but not so much as to WANT to see her before anyone else. Since he likes her he is WILLING to see her and he has a good time when he does. But he doesn’t have the WANTING.

Now we didn’t discuss this next part, but I would bet that she thinks of him as soon as she wakes in the morning. She also probably thinks about him several times a day. When she sees something interesting she probably thinks that he would find it interesting too. And at night I bet he is her last thought before dozing off to slumber land. I don’t know this guy at all, but I bet he doesn’t realize she is thinking about him. He probably thinks about her once in awhile as well, but not as often.

[Is this hitting close to home for some of you?]

My advice to her, which is the same advice I always give, was to communicate to him her feelings or wants. Let him know how she feels and what she wants. Be open and honest. This concept has always worker for me. It does make some people very uncomfortable when I share more that is politically correct. But I get to hear or see a reaction. And from their response I can get a really good idea about their feelings. Then I can make intelligent decisions for me.

Of course she said she wouldn’t just go tell him how she feels. She felt she might end up being humiliating or embarrassed. She also felt that if he didn’t feel for her like she hoped then he might freak out and stop asking to see her at all. I asked, “Wouldn’t that be better that continuing to wonder?” But apparently some people like to keep their head in the sand. The problem with that approach is that your ass is up in the air!

We did however go with my second piece of advice. I suggested that she stop communicating with him. Sort of “lay low’ for a while and see what happens. If he is interested enough to call and find out how she is, then she may have a clue as to his feelings. But if he doesn’t bother to call then she could safely assume that the difference between WANT and WILL is the reason.

She left sad, but like I said she agreed to follow my advice.

That was when I had my second epiphany. I should follow my own advice. You know that I have no problem speaking my mind and putting my thoughts and feelings on the line. But one problem I’ve noticed with me is that if I get no response I keep pushing. Maybe if I get no response then it is in fact the other person’s way of giving me a response. Maybe they fear they would hurt my feelings or something.

[Me? Hurt feelings?]

I’m good at the “disappearing act” as well. If I’m not getting what I WANT then I tend to drift away. And when I drift away I wait to see if the person cares enough to call me . . . if they WANT to call me. If they don't want to then to heck with them. But unfortunately I also have this intense belief that I can “woo” anyone. It sort of becomes a contest . . . and I hate losing. So I eventually drift back. And thus far in my life I have succeeded EVERY time. But maybe instead of that being my gift, it’s just been my luck. Maybe I will fail someday and I should learn to drift away for good.

Ok, I’ll let you know how it goes with my friend. I was about to go father in my personal experiences with aggressiveness and drifting; but my buddy Sasha-Lucille tells me that isn’t always a good idea. She said I am good at getting people to understand and then making a very good point. But she tells me that after I make my point I sometimes wander off the normal path too far. So I will leave it here.

And yes; I’ll discuss my situation sometime this weekend.

FOCUS!

My Journal #250 - Camping & Kids

I have mentioned before that every day at 11 I go to the park near my warehouse. It’s my time to shut down, relax, and do some thinking. Some days I take a walk. Some days I sit and watch people. Some days I take a nap. But some days I just can’t help thinking.

[Believe me, I’ve had a LOT to think about lately]

Today I was thinking under a shade tree. I watched a two car load of teenagers pulled up. I watched as they got out of their vehicles and headed towards the park. I was sort of impressed with them. I mean here is a group of kids that are choosing to go to a park and experience the great outdoors.

Yet as they got closer I noticed that they weren’t observing nature. Instead they were tuned in to media. They had cell phones, Ipods, Ipads, and probably some crap I don’t even know. I watched them closer. Instead of these kids being close friends, they were a group of individuals. They weren’t talking to each other, they were communicating with people that weren’t even there . . . I guess.

I thought about myself at that age. My parents demanded we were outside constantly. They demanded we participate in outdoor sports. But what really struck me was what I did with my dad for fun.

My mom taught me how to cook, clean, launder, wash, and anything else required to keep up a home. “No boy of mine will ever leave this house ‘lest he knows how to take care of his woman!’ was the line she beat us with daily. My dad taught me how to fix things, how to build things, and how to be a respectful man.

[Well, most of it took]

But what I remember the most was the time with my dad. His idea of fun was being outdoors. He took me and my brother camping. And while camping he taught us survival techniques. He taught us how to read the sun and stars; how to read birds to anticipate weather, and how to believe in and protect nature.

My dad took me to the town I was born in and taught us not only to use weapons, but to respect weapons. He demanded we be accurate, no excuses for missing. He taught us to NEVER pull a weapon on someone to threaten them. My dad also taught us how to fish, how to hunt, and how to have fun in the outdoors.

We never took a TV, or a cell phone, or an Ipoop, or anything else. We talked to each other about our lives, our loves, and our concerns. We became more than a family, we became friends.

And more than that, my grandfather did that with my dad. My great grandfather did that for my grandfather. And I did it for my kids. But I doubt my kids will do it with my future grand kids. Unless I step in, my grandkids will never experience the bonding that happens when men visit nature together. I will take them, no excuses.

I also decide today that when someone really falls for me, I hope they have kids. I’ve decided I want to share my past with kids. I can’t have kids anymore because I’ve been snipped, so if the woman that falls in love with me doesn’t have children I will adopt.

You see, I hope that if I could introduce today’s kids to the joys of nature and talking to people then maybe I could begin to turn the tide. Maybe someday all parents will take their kids to the park, and camping, and fishing. Maybe the world will go back to the way it used to be, where families stuck together.

And on a personal note, I know two boys that really need a man in their life. If that mom reads this . . . . TRUST ME.

My Journal #249 - The heart will lie to the mind

In life there are things you want with your brain and things you want in your heart. When you decide you want something with your brain you form a plan. Then you work the plan and fight to get what you want. You set reasonable expectations, set up goals along the way, and fight for it.

For example, you may want a BMW. So you save your money, protect your credit, learn everything about BMW’s and locate all the dealerships. You set a deadline for accumulating the down payment and you work your plan until you drive out in your own BMW.

When you want something with your heart, it’s a little different. First, there is no planning. You just go for it thoughtlessly. The second difference is the big one though. Unfortunately when want something in your heart, the heart tends to lie to the brain.

For example, you are walking down the street and you see a puppy. You fall in love with that little cutie. So you take it. You are not equipped, you are not financially sound, and you are not experienced.

Both are equally important, but it’s the lies that make one a bad call.

Like when you saw that puppy, and it looked up at you and wagged its tail. You were probably convinced that the tail was wagging because the puppy saw you and liked you. You told your brain it was fate that brought both of you to this moment. But the reality is that the puppy was just “shooing” away a fly.

Well at least I understand this now. I was that way.

A few weeks ago I mentioned that something happened. It was something that should have pissed me off beyond belief. But it didn’t affect me at all. It was like suddenly I had no emotions. But that was just the beginning. You see, when the heart gets bruised the brain takes over. It’s sort of a protection mechanism. It also allows the brain to evaluate all the things that your heart has been interpreting.

And my heart was definitely bruised . . .

It’s funny but you see things that had happened before, but with a new perspective. Previously your heart chalked it up to many different answers all of which became a motivator for you. But now the brain sees the same thing and interprets it factually. Suddenly all the things that kept pushing you forward are now seen as factors that logically tell you that you should have stopped.

This happened to me too.

It sounds sad, but it is really liberating. I mean what if that puppy I mentioned that wagged its tail at you growled when you approached it. Or better yet, just turned and walked away. Your heart would come up with a reason to follow. But the dog would keep moving and dodging. You would become frustrated because your heart knows the puppy wants you and you can’t understand the attitude.

But when the brain finally kicks in you see what an ass that puppy has made of you. You realize that this damn puppy was making you sit up and beg, instead of vice-versa. You see that you have been made a fool of by that darn cute puppy.

But guess what, you are not mad.

It’s more of a relief. It’s like all the crap you couldn’t figure out suddenly is crystal clear. Your whole body relaxes. You become yourself again. And the absolute best part is that the puppy has no clue you figured it out.

Guess who learns to sit up now?

Anyway, to my followers take a clue and learn from my mistakes. And to my friends, thanks for being here for me.

[You could fall in love too . . . right?]

My Journal #248 - Something different

We are all coping with a horrible event that happened in Colorado. Out of respect for the victims, their families and friends; I choose not to discuss it yet.

I pray in silence for them all.

There are also a dozen or so political topics I feel need my special flavor added to them. But I am just so disappointed with our leaders that I fear I would just bash wildly and never get to the ideas that could fix the problems.

So instead I will share some views that absolutely amazed me. Hopefully these will touch you as they touched me.

Enjoy!

A snow tunnell in Russia

Hawaii - Real soon Sunshine!

[Maybe even a walk on a beach?]

Moon Bridge in Taipei

Faroe Islands

The End of The World

My Journal #247 - An analysis of a fight.

Ok, it was not me this time. I made a promise to my sweet Martel not to fight again and I have kept that. This is just my observations of an incident I viewed.

I was bored. So I went to a guy bar. A guy bar is a bar that just has barstools, beer and whiskey. No yuppies allowed. And this one even had Credence playing on the Juke Box. I am relaxing and watching a re-run of an old playoff game when I hear words being exchanged.

I don’t know what started it, but as I turned to peek I saw two men arguing something. One man was about my size, which isn’t too small. But the other man was huge. He was probably 6’5” or taller and I would guess that he was pushing 380 pounds. And let me tell you, as a guy that has had a few fights of his own, big guys are tough to deal with,

First, they are very strong. Of course they are covered in fat and blubber, but remember that they have to carry around that immense amount of weight everywhere they go. For you to walk to the restroom is a piece of cake. But imagine having to do it while carrying me on your back. It would be strenuous. So imagine doing that all the time. You would either get really strong or wet yourself a lot.

Second, they are difficult to maneuver due to the massive center of gravity. Imagine a two by four standing on its end. With a swipe you could knock it over. But a 50 gallon barrel would be harder to tip over, even at the same weight due to the spread out center. If the barrel was full it would be impossible to tip over.

Needless to say, I avoided really big fat guys.

As I am watching the argument progress, I instinctively began mapping strategies in my head. Since I was closer to the size of the first man, I diagramed a strategy for him to get out of this incident alive.

My first thought would be to come up with an exit strategy. I’ve learned in my time that at some point prior to a fight, many men want out. So I always would say or do something to try to give the other guy an out; just to see if he would take it. And in this case, knowing how tough the big guy would be and how hurt the first guy could get, an exit strategy would be the smart move.

But the first guy had no intention of backing down. So if in fact a fight was going to happen, the first guy needs to be aware of his opponent’s advantages. Understanding that the opponent is big, fat and strong; a normal punch has less effect. It’s like the fat guy is wearing a padded suit or something.

A good punch needs to get to bone to be effective. So punching a skinny guy hurts him more than punching a big guy. With a big guy you can’t get to the bone. So you have to know other places to punch. Areas like the armpits, the neck, and the lower back are preferable. Of course with the weight factor, kicking out the big guy’s knee is extremely favorable. But it could also be crippling and I try not to go into a fight intending to maim and cripple.

Also, when fighting a big guy you need to be WELL aware of any advantages you possess. More than likely you will have quickness, mobility and endurance on your side. So the plan against a big guy would be to keep a safe distance, allow him to swing and you slip the punch, and then maneuver yourself into a position to strike a more vulnerable area. Then you need to move away and set up again. The object would be to keep inflicting damage while making the fight last until the fat guy begins to tire.

And never get too close to the fat guy. If he grabs you he has all the advantages and you won’t be able to get away. Needless to say, grabbing the fat guy is a big no-no as well. You will never be able to lock your arms or shift his weight. So it is primary to keep your distance.

As I am thinking this I see the first guy stepping right into the big guys face. So scratch the distance rule. (I’m beginning to this the first guy is an idiot) The two men are face to face arguing now.

On a side note, I never got the “face to face” thing guys do before a fight. If I am pissed at a guy and want to punch him, I will stay at a fair punching distance. So I always have been amused when guys do that face to face thing and figure they are both clueless.

Anyway, back to the fight. In a surprising move, the fat guy followed on of my advice topics. Now by the look of things he could wipe the floor with the first guy, so he had no reason to give an exit chance. But he did. He put his hand up as if indicating he was bored, and turned to walk away.

Wow, brilliant!

But not so fast! The dip shit first guy suddenly throws a punch at the back of the head of the fat guy. How stupid. The fight had already been averted, and the first guy could have gone home and banged his chick all night reveling in his win. But no, he chooses to risk hospitalization.

[For the record, I don’t fight when I’m on a date. My whole goal is to get laid, and I would do nothing to intentionally kill that chance]

Ok, the first guy throws a roundhouse punch at the back of the head of the fat guy. As I mentioned, the fat guy is much taller . . . and fat. So the first guy is punching UP, and at a moving target while setting a punch line that had numerous block opportunities. So the fat guy raises his shoulder slightly as he sees the punch coming, and the punch careens off of the shoulder causing zero damage.

Of course now the first guy is off balance. A missed punch usually leaves a man leaning forward with his chin extended and all his with on his front leg. I wouldn’t have put myself in that position. But if I were in it I would dive to the floor, roll away from the opponent, and spring back up in a balanced position at a safer distance. But the first guy wasn’t me. I watched as the far guy lowered his body weight and drew back a swing from across his body, while turning his massive trunk, and swinging a level punch with about a five foot lead.

This massive and well balanced punch connected to the head of the first guy just below his nose. The swing was so long, and the punch so balanced, that it lifted the first guy off of his feet and dumped him on his back.

At this point I was thinking that the first guy should just rest a moment, then roll over and crawl his way out of the bar. In all honesty, I couldn’t do that. I’m one of thise guys that gets super pissed if or when someone hits me. I may go down, but I come right back hotter than before. But for this guy, crawling out may be his best option.

And to their credit, the fat guys friends are encouraging him to leave as well. But the fat guy is doing exactly what I would do . . . . watching. You never really know how effective a punch is to someone. So you have to assume that the person that went down could be “playing possum”. Therefore you have to watch them until they begin to move away. And remember, the first guy already tried to cold cock the fat guy before, so it’s on the mind of the fat guy.

About then, the obviously ignorant first guy crawls to his feet . . . . . and begins talking shit to the fat guy. He just got his ass whupped yet he insists on talking smack? Ok, so the fight will continue but now he should know my analysis of the fight. He needs to keep his distance, stick and move, and extend the time an movements of the fat guy.

But no! Our guy runs at the fat guy and attempts to kick him in the balls.

Here is another tip. Fat people have fat thighs. Fat thighs cover a lot of muscle. A wall of fat and muscle can protect one’s balls. So basically, unless a fat guy lies down and spreads his legs as wide as he can allowing you to kick him in the balls; it won’t work. All you will do is give him an inner thigh burn and seriously piss him off.

Of course the first guy, who is still dazed from the punch, loses his balance in this botched kick fiasco and falls into the fat guy. Hey, how about gift wrapping yourself too?

The fat guy wastes no time in picking the first guy up and positioning a perfect form “back breaker” hold. The fat guy has the first guys arms pinned in his hold, and has his arms wrapped just below the lower back where the tailbone meets the spine. With the amount of pressure being exerted by the fat guy, I know that the pain would be unbearable.

So the first guy squirms for a while and then does the stupidiest thing yet. HE QUITS. It is one thing to quit BEFORE the fight begins. But when you are getting your butt kicked it’s time to begin treating this event as a life and death situation. I mean, what would quitting now do? Does he think the fat guy will go, “Ok, he quits so I will forget he tried to cold cock me and kick me in the balls. Let’s all sing a song together and hold hands”?

So when he quits struggling the fat guy really begins to crush his tailbone. This was painful to watch and I almost went to the idiots aid. But if I did then I would probably be in a fight myself, and I had promised Martel I wouldn’t fight again.
Fortunately they first guy figured out that surrendering wasn’t an option and he got his hands free.

If it were me in a similar hold, I would know that punching is pointless. Also, trying to wriggled locked hands free is impossible unless you can get to the thumbs, which are behind the back and out of reach. So my plan would be to cup my hands and slap both the ears of my opponent at the same time. This would cause intense pressure on the inner ear and possibly cause the grip on me to loosen for a moment. As soon as I hit the ears I would push away in one massive thrust, hoping that if the grip loosened then I could pry myself away before he relocked his grip.

But that is me.

Our guy pinched the fat guys face and tried slapping him. What an embarrassing move.

The first guy was beginning to turn blue now. Something really had to give. I again considered interjecting myself into the tournament, merely to save a life. But I really didn’t want to risk personal pain due to the ignorance of an idiot.
Fortunately, the fat guy and I were thinking alike. He flipped the guy sideways and slammed him to the floor. The fall was brutal, but at least now the fight could be over. Again, the fat guys friends loudly suggested that he leave now. But again (and just as I would) he watched his opponent to see if he was returning to the fray.

One of the friends of the first guy ran to his friend’s aid. He was helping him get up while attempting to escort him to the door. And as a good friend he had a verbal exchange with the fat guy’s friends. This was classy. It was just enough of an exchange to prove his loyalty to his fallen friend, but not enough to instigate an additional altercation.

So what did we learn?

I kept my promise to Martel.

Always try to find an exit plan when facing an altercation.

Don’t fight fat people.

And finally, the brain is the most valuable weapon so use it!

My Journal #246 - Take a look in the mirror!

It’s something I have always told people to do, but it’s hard. How do you see yourself even when you stop to look?

Me? I see a guy that over thinks things, over reacts to things, has a long fuse but a big explosion at the end, and doesn’t take time to enjoy things enough. But today I got two peeks into me from others.

I’ve had a shadow this week. It’s a college culinary student that wanted to learn the food business from a managerial standpoint. So I told him to work my schedule. The first day he kept up pretty well. But I could tell he didn’t expect a 13 hour work day. (I cut it short a few hours to be nice) By the second day he had a few moments of exhaustion so I could tell the pace was rough. Yesterday he was a mess all day, and kept asking how I do it. This morning I had a voice mail message from him.

“I’m sorry but I can’t make it in today. I can’t even get out of bed. When you told me you work abnormal schedules I figured that I was half you age and there was no way you could out work me. But . . . . Well, I think I won’t be back. Thank you anyway.”

Geez, a young punk kid couldn’t keep up with me?

The second peek was due to an accident. I had a pallet jack incident at 4:30 this morning and ended up flipping and smashing my head and should on the concrete. I still have a major headache and my neck is stiff like I’m wearing a turtle neck (Damn I hate turtle necks)

Anyway, about 3 this afternoon my warehouse manager asked if I could help him as his crew was running behind. I informed him that I was only about 75% healthy and suggested he find someone else that was at 100%. He smiled and said . . .

“I’d take you at 50% over anyone else at 100%!”

I’m not sure what these mean, but at least it told me a little something about me.

Happy Friday!

Sunshine – Sure miss your smile.

Martel – So how does it feel to have to get up and work BEFORE noon?

Banana Rama – Would you read your darn email and let me know something!

Sasha Lucille – Hello? Anyone home?

Have a great weekend ladies! And think about me once . . . or twice!

My Journal #245 - Now I get it . . .

If you noticed, this morning I posted two signs. One of my followers sent these to me; and these signs sort of sum up my attitude for today. In order to explain, I want to share a story I may have already told. I share it again because today it has a whole new meaning to me.

 

Many years ago I was sort of star athlete. I played many different positions in my career, but my glory days were as a cornerback. My job was to line up with the best receiver on the opponent’s team and cover him the entire game. My ultimate goal was to keep this receiver from catching any passes, but this was one of those “pie in the sky” goals. Seriously, it’s impossible to keep everyone from catching a single pass. But the one goal I kept was to never let this receiver score on me.

 

In three years of playing cornerback I was only scored on one time.

 

It was the start of my senior year. During the previous year I was voted as the best cornerback in the city, and in the top three cornerbacks in the state. I led the city in interceptions, passes defended and touchdowns by a cornerback. I was one of the best. But the Defensive Back coach rode my ass every week. Nothing I ever did was good enough, and he always chewed me out and worked me out more than anyone else. It seriously pissed me off.

 

Yet as I walked to the sideline on that one fateful day, after giving up the ONLY touchdown in my career and knowing I was going to get the ass chewing of my life by this coach; he surprised me. He didn’t say a word to me. He wouldn’t even look at me. And when it was time to go back onto the field, he put his hand on me to stop me. He didn’t allow me to play the rest of that game.

 

I sort of wanted him to chew my ass, because the silence was deafening. But he never said a word to me. To this day he has never said one more word to me. Later I realized that the reason he was silent was that he had given up on me. I learned that even though I was the best, he felt I could be so much more. He pushed me to try to get more out of me and to make me elite. But my cockiness and my attitude coupled with giving up a touchdown due to my arrogance; was more than he could handle.

 

I didn’t get it; and he gave up on me.

 

Maybe that is why I never give up on anyone. I know how horrible it feels when a person realizes that the one person that believes in them finally gives up, or gives in, or just quit trying. It makes you sick to your stomach. Since that night, letting someone down is more than I can handle.

 

I never forgot that feeling. But I always wondered how that coach felt on that one night.

 

Ok, fast forward to today. There is someone I care about, and perhaps could even fall in love with someday. But this person is rude, insensitive, uncaring and has an attitude. I knew there was something more inside of her, so I kept trying and wouldn’t quit. I guess I believed that deep down inside of her, she did care and if I could just find the strength and courage to keep trying that someday she would show me I was right.

 

Over the past few years she continually did things that made me disappointed, and often angry. Yet I could never figure out if my anger was due to her actions or my expectations.

 

But I never quit trying.

 

Two weeks ago I asked something of her, which was a very small request if she cared about me in the least. She never came through or even acknowledged my request. On Friday of last week I did something nice for her since she wouldn’t give me the chance to do what I wanted for her. She ignored my kindness completely. So last night I did one more nice thing. But this time I met someone new that probably knew her better than anyone else in the world. I was having a very nice conversation with this new person when she said something that was totally innocent on her part; but immensely telling to me.

 

It was one simple question that was asked of me by this person. Yet that one simple question showed me exactly and with no doubt where I stood in the world of the one person I cared about. Being a polite person, and knowing that the new person that asked the question was totally innocent; I simply answered the question, and said goodbye.

 

I said goodbye!

 

As I was driving away I should have had my usual reaction which was disappointment and anger. I normally would have contacted the person I care about and informed them of that conversation and asked for clarification. But there was nothing in me. I was completely blank. And it wasn’t a case of me being so overwhelmed that I went blank, it was that I was void of emotions.

 

I NO LONGER CARED.

 

It took one innocent question from a stranger to make me see that. And at that moment I knew exactly how my coach felt many years earlier when he chose not to scream and yell at me for being a total fuck-up. I knew that it wasn’t a difficult choice for him. It’s like a switch just turns off. There is no emotion, no disappointment and no anger. It’s just that everything you believed in dies.

 

I look back on that coach as I write to you today. I wonder if he knew that his one action would be the marker in my life that many years later would allow me to see that caring for this one person like I’ve never cared for anyone before, could only be proven as false when I realized that I can’t make someone see themselves.

 

Today I know what that coach went through. Today I completely understand how I fucked up, and not just on the field. My fuck up was not realizing how I treated people, and figuring out who really cares and who’s just along for the ride.

 

And the odd thing is that I don’t care if this person that broke my heart ever gets it or not.

 

She turned off the switch.

My Journal #244 - Sort of says it all!

My Journal #243 - Here he goes again . . . .

Our “fearless” leader has done it again. He has now proclaimed that American Entrepreneurs are worthless. His logic is that these fine individuals, of which I am one, have done nothing. We couldn’t have succeeded without the government. Additionally, we are not brighter nor harder working than the bums that sit on their butts and benefit from our taxes.

 

His comments allude that we as entrepreneurs OWE the bums and the government for our success. I can read between the lines folks. He is setting us up for another BIG tax rate increase. He has converted an incredible number of individuals to be people that live off of government subsidies, this is his base. And they will then follow suit and vote for a tax increase so that they (in theory) can reclaim the money we supposed stole from them through our risk, sweat and efforts.

 

I ask again, ARE YOU AWAKE?

 

Maybe you never had your own business, risked everything you owned, and took a chance on self sufficiency. So let me tell you my story.

 

My first business was lawn maintenance at the ripe old age of 12. My dad had some tools and he allowed me to use them. Ok, I did “borrow” a second mower. But in all fairness, once I was making reasonable money I left $200 in the mailbox of the people I borrowed it from. I did this for 6 years. When I finally stopped the business to go off to college; I had 5 employees, a truck, my own equipment, and over 50 customers. And I had $8,000 in the bank.

 

It was hard work. I participated in two sports, and had chores to do for my folks along with attending school. So I did my work in the evenings after practice ended and on weekends after doing my chores. Every Sunday night I worked on all the equipment changing oil, replacing blades, and general cleaning. Every time I finished a yard, I asked my customer if they were satisfied, and then I asked for one lead. I followed up on EVERY lead.

 

I never saw our President offering to push a mower or dig for a sprinkler system!

My second business was in college. While in college, taking 20+ hours every semester, I worked at the school cafeteria 5 days a week from 3 pm until closing. Weekends I worked two days at a moving company. But those were my jobs. My business was “Lumping”. I would visit area grocery stores around 11 pm every night and try to “catch” a truck that needed unloading. I had no overhead or investment, but none the less I would negotiate with truck drivers and create my own income.

 

By the time I graduated I had two contract employees that I would set up and keep 10% of their income along with my own work.

 

My next business venture was a bookkeeping company. My investment was about $1,000 and I billed a flat weekly rate or a reasonable hourly rate, depending on my customers needs. To get customers I went to every small business within 50 miles. My base became machine shops, construction companies, welding shops, and privately owned bars and clubs. Three years later I had two employees that relied on me for 100% of their family income.

 

That was when I became a CPA, so I started a separate CPA firm. I technically transferred ownership of the bookkeeping company to a relative to comply with TSBPA rules and regulations. This customer base, which I achieved in a similar fashion as before, included Import and Export business and Computer Software firms.

 

I worked 7 days a week, and billed every hours I could. During this time I also formed a partnership with two other men and created a private club consulting company. I invested $20,000 into this partnership. I grew the firm by 5 more employees, including one more CPA. I eventually sold my assets and Accounting client list for $150,000. We sold the Consulting Company and my cut was another $100,000.

 

I don’t recall seeing our “fearless” leader back then either.

 

Every day I had to generate enough revenue to cover myself and my employees, and my operating costs, and my payroll taxes and of course the dreaded income tax. If I had ever had an “off day” and just couldn’t motivate myself to be aggressive, no one could be paid. So I busted my ass every day no matter what. It was my risk and my sweat that made it a success.

 

It was about this time in our history that the internet was taking off, and every owner of a software company wanted to be a millionaire. They just didn’t know how to do it. So my next business was consulting to software companies to help them find a buyer, negotiate a deal and close the sale of the business. My investment was my salary, as I did this for free. My compensation was on the back side. The owner would sign a deal stating the amount he wanted to receive when he sold. I would take 40% of every dollar received over that target number.

 

My last closing netted me over $250,000 for 8 months of work. And I never saw a bum or a government employee offering me a safety net.

 

Today I have a 15% interest in a Food Distributor Business. I usually work 6 days a week, and 5 of those days I start at 4:30 am and stay to closing which can be 5:00 pm or midnight. I help generate an income for over 40 families, and contributed to the income for most of my followers here while hopefully transferring some of my wisdom and work ethics in the process.

 

I hate to be redundant, but again there was never anyone offering me a safety net or government assistance. So I am personally offended that the leader of the greatest country in the history of the world thinks so little of drive, initiative, effort and hard work.

 

PEOPLE, WAKE UP!

 

Our “fearless” leader is currently in the process of stealing all the things that make us great, and trying to turn all those that choose not to push a lawn mower against me because I have had success. But that was my first business and it wasn’t below me to work for a living.

 

Don’t let him steal America from us Americans!

My Journal #242 - When life gives you Lemons . . .

Yup, another weekend down the drain.

I got to drive home in a flood Friday, after picking up my mom-in-law. I did play Dominos Friday night, and that was cool. Saturday I did my typical yard work and then watched it rain more. I had bought tickets to a dinner theater, but the only person I asked said they wouldn’t go. So I pissed those away while drinking bourbon and hanging out on the porch watching it rain more.

And guess what? It rained Sunday. Well at least until about 2 pm. I just fixed crap and then worked out a bit. All in all, it was sort of boring. As I write to you, I am watching the weather forecast. Yup, it’s going to rain tomorrow.

The good news is I got to have one of my all night chats with Martel Saturday night. Gosh I needed that. We talked about her, so I didn’t have to think about me. That was nice.

THANKS MARTEL!

I’m sort of in a bad place now though. I did something nice for someone recently. I really didn’t expect a thank you, but I did expect my act to be acknowledged. That really bugged me. But I guess that deep down I should have expected no response.

[Isn’t it a shame when you get used to being let down?]

Anyway, it’s late and I just wanted to give ya’ll a quick update. I’ll have better topics next week. I think I’m going to go bake a cake now.

Ciao!

My Journal #241 - A speech begins a thought

I am told that there is no official record of any military force in Afghanistan in 1979. All that is reported is humanitarian aid. So, if that is true then my Friend Frank & I weren’t there either. And if we weren’t there then we never heard “THE SPEECH”.

So let’s assume . . . .

There was a Colonel that Frank reported to. There was a Special Operations group that Frank was a party to. I was there for different reasons. And whenever a “mission” was proposed this particular Colonel gave a speech. Every speech was different, yet every speech ended with the same request.

“You are going to work today. Because of that a lot of people will die. DON’T be one of them!”

Now, do you remember your mom harping on you not to run with scissors? If you do then she probably told you that 100 times. After a while the speech became mundane. This was what happened with me. I heard the ending to that speech so many times we actually would mock it.

If I was there, then I would have witnessed 17 missions, only two of which directly pertained to me. There were another six where I tagged along. On all these missions EVERYONE came back alive . . . . except for one mission.

I’ve told you about it before. These brave men came after me. On the return trip we were ambushed and two men lost their lives. Upon hearing the news of the deaths, the Colonel acted as if his own child had died. He was absolutely crushed.

This colonel had served for 25 years back then. Do the math, he had commanded troops in Viet Nam. So I can confidently state that he had men in his command that had perished before. Yet each death tore him apart. That touched me. And remember, at that point in my life I had no belief in a god or any value to human life.

Being me, I contemplated this thought today; the thought of death and how it affects people. My conclusion is that a death has zero effect on anyone except the deceased. The ONLY thing that affects people is the news of a death.

About three years ago I was on one of my trips with Frank. During this trip I engaged a bad guy. It was a guy I should have easily handled, but I fucked up. I ended up being thrown off of a roof and being hospitalized for three days.

I should have died.

Now I will give a pass on this talk to Martel, as she did not know me then. But the rest of you did. I was obviously not with you when my incident occurred. But I can guess how your day went.

LovelyLady – She had to speak to me every day, but she knew I was on a trip. So I assume she woke up, dressed her kids and went to work. She thought about me once or twice, prayed for me as she always did, and then went to bed that evening.

HMPOA – She knew where I was and what I was doing. She went to work, got high, and then went out partying that evening, never giving me a second thought.

Banana Rama – She would wake wondering where I was and what I was doing. She would text, then email me asking what I was doing. I couldn’t reply. She would be concerned, but have no idea where I was or what I was doing. She would go to bed wondering.

Niki Cole – She would go to work, send me a company email, and leave me a voice mail message singing me a cute song. If she didn’t hear back, she would figure that I was busy. She would go to work at her bar that night and never give me a second thought.

Sunshine – As far as she knew I was on vacation. She would do her job, flirt with every guy, go out after work and party, and then go home to her kids and fiancée and not wonder one bit about me.

None of your lives would have changed one bit.

At some point all of you would be notified of my death. At that moment you would be sad, each in your own way. You would inquire about a funeral, and perhaps make an appearance. The very next day you would go back to your normal life. Death would have affected you for a matter of hours.

I imagine that from time to time, when you were alone, you would think about me and wonder where I was when it happened; if I suffered; if I were alone; and sort of miss me. But life would go on.

Basically, when someone dies . . . . NOTHING ELSE CHANGES.

Someone dies. Their world changes. And that is it.

So I wonder why that Colonel took it so personally.

Today I treasure life. I realize that at any moment my world could change. And I treat everyone as if when I communicate with them it’s the last time I communicate with them. I say what is on my mind. If you piss me off then I tell you. If I love you then I tell you. If I want to see you then I tell you.

And if for whatever reason we never speak again, I know that I put it all out there with no reservations. I never regret not saying how I feel. So test yourself. Think of the last conversation you had with anyone. Did you tell them what is in your heart?

If you heard tomorrow that they passed away, would your regret not telling them something?

Live your life like there is no tomorrow. Maybe that is what the Colonel was really saying.

Ok, my Shout Outs!

Sunshine – Congrats on the new job. Make a hell of an impression; just don’t forget those that love you and helped you get here. They are the only ones that care about you, not what you do. Life is about people, not about a job.

Banana Rama – I miss you! Let’s make time to get together soon. Life is too short to wait.

Martel – You are always so busy. Don’t forget to stop and smell the flowers once in a while. Someone could mow them over tomorrow. And there are so many flowers you haven’t touched yet.

HMPOA – I know you now have a man and you want it to work out. I know he hates me because of our relationship. I won’t blame you for ignoring me. But would you miss me on the day you need me?

Niki Cole – You too. I envy you for being in love and having your first kid. Your focus has to be on them. But there is room in everyone’s life for a friendship like we had.

Have a great weekend.

My Journal #240 - But then again?

So I’ve said before that I hate to lose and have always given everything I do my all. But today I remember a time I didn’t.

I ran track. I was a sprinter and we had three other really fast guys on the team. The four of us ran both the sprint and mile relay. But you get to participate in three events by rule, so we would trade off on the third event.

We had like this preseason meet against some Dallas High School. They were slotted to be the State Track Champs, so my coach eagerly wanted to see us compete against them. There was just one problem. We had two long distance runners; both of them ran the mile. Well that Saturday one had a pulled muscle and the other had the flu.

So coach picked me to run the mile, simply because I had done cross country the previous winter. What a shit sandwich.

Ok, a few details for the inexperienced track fans. All the preliminary heats are run in the morning. Then there is a two hour wait while the participants get to eat lunch or just relax. The finals start around 3 in the afternoon. The very first race is always the sprint relay, which I ran. In this race 4 guys run about 110 yards each passing a baton on the exchanges. The very last race is the mile relay, which I also ran. In that race each guys runs a lap on the track, also passing a baton at each exchange.

Running a quarter mile is a ball buster. It’s one lap around the track at a full sprint. After the race you are wiped out. So I loved it when my third event was the 100 yard dash or the 220 yard dash. They happen quickly and don’t wear you out. But on those Saturdays when I had to run the Quarter mile as my third event . . . well it was rough.

Remember, I would have to run in the preliminary rounds and I always made the finals. So when I ran the Quarter mile as my third event I had to run the Quarter mile 4 times in a day; twice in the Quarter mile event and twice in the mile relay. I hated those days.

But that day, since no one was available, I had to run my usual plus a mile. Back then I was a junior. I stood 6’1” and weighed about 210 pounds. Most long distance runners weighed about half what I did. So when they called my Mile event I stood out like a giant. I kept thinking if those guys had to run with an additional 80 pound I bet I would win by a mile . . . But I just wanted to finish and get out without totally humiliating myself. My goal wasn’t to win, just to finish.

But as I was stretching, and looking at the dorks that ran long distance . . . . Shit, I developed a plan. The mile race is four laps around the track. I figured since I had never run it before, then the first lap I would just stay close to everyone. By lap two I hoped to pass two guys. Then I figured if I could just pass one more each of the final two laps I would finish fourth in my heat, which wasn’t too embarrassing.

There were two heats. I watched the first and saw two guys run away with the race. I figured they must be the studs so maybe I drew some slower cats. Thank goodness!

The race began. I quickly found out that there were two guys in my heat that really didn’t deserve to be on the track team. So contrary to my plan, I blew by them and finished lap one in sixth place. By lap two I was already gassed. But one guy pulled up lame and quit. So by the end of lap two I was in fifth place; and very close to two guys. I dug deep, forgetting about my other races to come, and took off.

I finished lap three in third place. I made up the distance between me and the two leaders on the first curve. I had great balance back then, so I could lean a lot on the curves to increase my speed without losing my balance. We were all within about five feet of each other down the back stretch.

What the fuck was I doing?

I cut inside of number two at the curve and passed him. But he too had a second gear so he stayed on my hip. I was an arm’s reach from number one when my legs turned to lead, my lungs dried up, and my vision blurred. But somehow I kept running. I finished in a tie for second. Not too bad even if it was the slow heat, or so I thought.

About 30 minutes later I ran the mile relay and was abysmal. I was exhausted. And that was when I hear that I was in the faster heat back in the mile relay. AND I HAD MADE THE FINALS.

Argh!

No way I could do that again. So for the first and only time in my life I threw a race. I just had to save something for my event, the finals of the mile relay.
But hey, I still got fourth place in the mile. And then came back to win the Mile relay.

Anyway, the point is that I guess I can quit . . . . sometimes. But then again . . .

My Journal #239 - Moral Algebra

Well, my vacation ends today. Tomorrow I go back to the busy world of business.

Urgh!

If I had to rate this vacation on a scale of 1 to 10 then I would give it a 7. But I think that could be a skewed number since it started as a 99 on a scale of 1 to 10. The rest of the week was a failure simply because I was comparing it to that first day.

Oh well, it’s my scale!

I am sitting in my room watching it rain. The rain seems fitting as a means to emphasize the end of a day. And in this case the end of a week. But just like a sunset, the rain could be the sign of something new, a new beginning.

Ben Franklin wrote a letter to a man named Priestly in which he came up with the term “moral algebra”.

“And, though the weight of the reasons cannot be taken with the precision of algebraic quantities, yet when each is thus considered, separately and comparatively, and the whole lies before me, I think I can judge better, and am less liable to make a rash step, and in fact I have found great advantage from this kind of equation, and what might be called moral or prudential algebra.”

I’ve always trusted facts, and math makes facts incontrovertible. But sometime in the past couple of years I’ve let morals, and my heart, slip into factual math. This has caused me to doubt myself on more than one occasion.

So maybe my new day includes going back to Algebra, and ignore Mr. Franklin.

The odd thing is that I feel like a part of me has died.

I can’t wait for my next vacation.

My Journal #238 - Dee

My oldest boy has this dog named Dee. She showed up one day in the driveway and jumped into my arms. My kid is in AA and was at the point in his recovery that he was supposed to get a pet and keep it alive. He asked, I said ok, and now Dee is a part of our family.

She is part Basset, so she hunts in the yard for birds. She is small but very active. And since we adopted her, she has slept with me in my room every night. On the 4th, while Sasha and I were enjoying the Hot tub, she became very nervous. Apparently she hates fireworks.

Something we have in common.

Her fear bothers me. I want to take the fear away, but I don’t know how. When she is with me she is completely safe. But she hasn’t realized it yet. And when I see the fear in her eyes it overwhelms me. I want her to feel safe, but I don’t know how to convince her.

I have the same challenge with a human. I believe she fears being associated with me. It’s a concept I’ve never dealt with before. Everyone that knows me knows they are safe with me. But one person hides me from her life, I believe because she is embarrassed of me.

That bothers me.

Tonight we have some lingering fireworks. Dee is in bed with me, shivering and worried. I will hold her and comfort her all night. I too fear loud noises; my fear from RPG’s exploding near my area and killing people I should have known. But I deal with it.

Someday Dee will too. She will learn to trust me, and learn that she is safe when with me.

I just hope my friend learns too, before I give up.

My Journal #237 - Respect

Respect 
A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem.
The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.
Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.

As most of you know, honesty is a BIG deal to me. I don’t continue to associate with people that can’t be honest. Ok, one friend tends to fib (sorry HMPOA) but she always comes clean shortly after her fib. And with the important stuff, she has always been honest. And another person has deceived me on several occasions, but I have granted temporary extenuating circumstances to them.

But here’s something you may not know. Respect is also important. And here are my thoughts on respect.

I believe that respect can grow. But just like a plant, you need a seed to foster and nurture to create a rose. There has to be something there to water, or you’re just watering the sand. And nothing will ever come of it. Respect is like that. So if I see even a bit of respect for me in someone, and I want to grow that, I will feed it.

But when I see no respect then there is really no point in continuing. You see, I have a talent for making anyone I want like me. I also can formulate questions to determine if someone is being honest with me. So if someone I want to impress doesn’t like me and I have concerns about their honesty with me, I can fix that. But if there is no respect then the person is lost regardless of my wants or needs.

As for my ability to give respect, well it’s something that a person must earn. I have two modes with regard to respect; either I do or I don’t. You will never hear me say that I have “a little respect” for someone. It’s either there or it’s not. And if it’s not there then it can’t grow. So no matter what the person does to try to make me like them, if I don’t respect them then then they will fail. And if they can’t respect me then I won’t respect them.

Since I believe this to be true for me, I transfer this thought process to others. Basically, if you have no respect for me then no matter what I do to try to gain respect, I will fail. And even though I have this amazing charm and charisma, I won’t be able to make them like me if there is a lack of respect on their part.

And why do I bring this up?

I learned this week that someone who I thought had a little respect for me actually has no respect. The actions of this person clearly indicated to me that there is ZERO respect. It was hard on me to accept this fact, but part of life is accepting things you dislike. Therefore, as for this person, there is nothing to nurture and grow.

Life REALLY sucks sometimes doesn’t it?

Ok, my Friday Shout outs!

Martel – You and me girl, fighting the same demons. I hope I can be there for you as you seem to always be there for me.

Banana Rama – Hope you and your love are having the time of your life! Miss you.

Sasha Lucille – Thanks for hanging with me (last minute and all) on the 4th. We need to make hot tubs, moonlight, fireworks, and wine a tradition.

HMPOA – What can I say? How about “you are the coolest!”

Have a great weekend ladies, and think about me once!