Saturday, December 1, 2012

My Journal # 370 - Tall Blonde

My date with girl B was incredible. She has the longest legs I ever saw. She kisses so softly and passionately I disappear into the mist with every kiss. She dances like a professional. She doesn’t drink much, so I haven’t either.

I like her.

My date with Girl A is cancelled. I just couldn’t bring myself to have a sex date the night after such an amazing date. Yup, I didn’t follow through with being a jerk. I just couldn’t. Girl A is upset, but I feel a lot better. I guess it’s true that true happiness comes from inside, from being good, and not from simple physical pleasure.

Girl B (Let’s call her Tall Blonde) had her company Christmas Party tonight, and is driving to see her son tomorrow. So tonight we are just texting each other.

Life is good.
 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

My Journal #369 - A & B (Part deaux)

I met girl B today. And she is everything I described and perceived. I am looking forward to our REAL date Friday night. And I’m looking forward to C&W dancing again!

Girl A, the wild one, is sort of off the charts horny. She wants to know if I have another girl so she can have a lesbian / three way experience. In a way it’s getting creepy. But there is no way I am passing on 42D’s.

Yup, I’ve done “three way” sex before (with two girls of course). But to be honest, when a guy and a girl have sex, the guy is outnumbered from the get go. I mean we have one plug yet the female has three receptacles. So the guy is out gunned 3 to 1 from the start. When a second female is involved it move to 6 to 1. And I am definitely not one to sit on the bench. I get no rise watching two women, I have to be a part of the game.

Anyway, she is my Saturday date. Well, it's not so much a date as we are meeting for sex. Hey, I save money on dinner and drinks and still get the dessert, right?

I digress.

My ex went through my stuff last night and found several text messages from Girl A, seriously nasty text messages. It was a really bad night for me after that. My ex even called girl A to tell her what an ass I am. But girl is apparently resilient and just blew my ex off.

Well, that’s enough for tonight. I need to call girl B to chat.

Luv ya!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

My Journal #368 - A & B

Ok . . . . so this is fun but hard.
 
I mentioned earlier this week that there are two new ladies in my life, Lady A and Lady B. Lady A is a case worker and Lady B is a Massage Therapist and was a cheerleader. Lady A is attractive and endowed with those 42D’s. Lady B is freakin’ gorgeous with a nice and sexy look. I am seeing both of these women this weekend, and both seem to be the exact opposite of each other.
 
Both women send me texts each day; actually several times a day. But the conversations are very different and sometimes it’s hard to stay on point with whom I am currently chatting.
 
Girl A is a sex freak. Our date was to meet for drinks and then go to her place for fun. She’s the one I already “did”. But now she wants to skip the drinks and just get to the good stuff (her words, not mine). She sends really sexual texts, calls me “Big Daddy” and wants me to call her all sorts of trashy words. She describes in details what she wants to do and what she wants me to do.
 
Girl B is classy and a romantic. We are meeting for a nice dinner and then dancing. She calls me “dear” and “Luv” and loves it when I call her “sweetie”. She talks about her business and her dreams, and asks about my dreams for the future. And one of her dreams is a weekend trip to the coast with the man of her dreams.
 
[Sound familiar?]
 
But on occasion I get a message from both of them near the same time. Obviously my replies are very different. So I check, and then double check who I am talking to before I hit the send button. I would seriously hate to send girl B a text calling her a “trashy slut”; or send girl A a text referencing the future. That could be disastrous!
 
But even though it’s a bit mental and nerve racking, I JUST LOVE IT!
 
So, for my friends that were worried about me since my love life crashed a few month ago; I’m doing just fine.
 
If I had to predict the future, Girl B may be a long term thing. She is really beautiful, smart, funny, loves the outdoors and called me AMAZINGLY HANDSOME. (Aww shucks!) And she likes to hold hands.
 
[Winner!]
 
Girl A is more of a “stay indoors and have sex” kind of a girl. She is a bit of an “attacher” too, so I have to remind her that we are friends for sex. I would imagine that eventually the craziness will wear off and we will part ways.
 
[Gee, I sound like such a cad!]
 
Hey, this is the new me. Like I said, I am tired of doing the right thing, being the nice and respectable guy, and then watching the ladies I like riding some thug’s . . . . . "Little thingy". Sure, that “old me” would have not gone on a first date with girl A. He would be doting over girl B only and whacking off at home late in the evening. And that “old me” wouldn’t dis-respect girl B by “slappin sweaties” with another girl while telling her I am interested in her ONLY.
 
Ya know, I refer to myself today as the new me. But actually it’s the old me from my past. The respectful, caring, loving guy appeared when I got back from my service. And since then I’ve been the doormat a bunch of times. So I guess technically this is the new, old me?!?!?!
 
MOVED ON!
 
Luv ya ladies!

My Journal #367 - Horse Sense?

My mother once told me a very interesting story about her past. When she was young she had 6 brothers and she was the only girl and the youngest sibling. This story is about a prank her brothers pulled on her.
 
As soon as she was old enough to recognize things, all her brothers told her that horses were called cows and that cows were called horses. And my mother had no reason to doubt them. Every time the brothers were around my mother they would perpetuate the prank by openly calling horses as cows and cows as horses.
 
This prank continued until my mother became old enough to attend school. It wasn’t the first day of school, but sometime in the first month or so the class discussed farm animals. And of course when they discussed horses and cows my mother, being very determined, argued that they had it all wrong. It took a while for her to realize that she had been pranked for years by her brothers.
 
What makes this story interesting to me is that after she told me this story I asked if she was embarrassed. Her reply was that she really wasn’t, she just really wanted to believe that she was right. But she eventually gave in to the common nomenclature.
 
Basically what she was saying is that in society there are common nomenclatures that are universally accepted; like the words horse and cow. But to expand it further, this commonality includes such words as “friends”, “relationship”, etc. These words are defined and the definitions are accepted, such as “Horse” and “Cow”. Sometimes someone may get the definition confused to the common definition. And that is fine as long as once the common definition is revealed the person adheres.
 
I mean, if not it’s like you’re talking “pig latin” to people that speak English.
 
If you have the wrong definition then you are wrong. Lick your wounds, apologize, laugh about it, do whatever . . . . but get it right. But I’ve found that some people intentionally invent their own definitions of words, and then use that as an excuse to con others. Honest to god!
 
Making a mistake is ok. Perpetrated a con by creating obscure definitions isn’t.
 
 
And for those of you that do this . . . . . . GROW UP!

Monday, November 26, 2012

My Journal #366 - Back in the Saddle

I know . . . . . .  it’s been a while.
 
I went to my old stomping grounds for Thanksgiving. The first night my brother, his kids and I went to my buddy’s restaurant. I ran into an old flame while I was there. So after dinner my brother took me back to my folks, I got my car, and met up with her. We had a good time.
 
At the end of the night she said she always loved me, and still does. At first that sort of creeped me out. But she was the same girl I liked years ago, so it began to make me feel good.
 
It started a train of thought. I meet women, and 99% like me right away. The one’s that I end up seeing fall for me 100%. Oops, that ratio probably dropped to 98% recently. And that particular ratio drop concerned me. But then I figured that no body’s perfect.
 
Well, I am (Hehehe) so it must be the one that didn’t find me incredible who’s not perfect.
 
The old flame took pictures that night. As you know I am averse to having my picture taken, but it just happened. And then she apparently posted them on her Facebook page. I got two more calls the next day from ladies I used to date who saw me on my friend’s page, looked up my old home number at my folk’s house, and called to see if we could get together.
 
I did choose one and we went to the River Parade. On a side note, if you have never been to that particular river parade you have truly missed an amazing spectacle. It truly would put Scrooge himself in the Christmas spirit.
 
Anyway, the lingering thought that I had lost something recently faded quickly. People that know me were lignin up to spend time with me. So I learned that just because one person doesn’t see it doesn’t mean I’ve lost anything.
 
I still want that walk on the beach with my one true love, so I will continue to search. But being in the life I used to have for a few days reminded me of what I do best. I charm people. So when I got back home Saturday I went back to that dating site to try again.
 
Mustang is gone. I gave her one last chance before I left for the Holiday and she passed. The Fox lady is still around, but fate keeps throwing up obstacles to keep us apart. So I sent out three messages to the three most interesting ladies on that site. And this time I was looking for something different.
 
All three replied to me.
 
One is a 42 year old blonde and well endowed substance abuse counselor. (A)
 
One is a 38 year old blonde receptionist that used to be a model and cheerleader. (B)
 
One is a 46 year old African American Manager for a petroleum company. (C)
 
So I’m chatting with A and she mentions that she likes to read romance novels. I mention that I dabble in writing and she asks for one of my stories. So I sent her one. The entire conversation changed immediately. She becomes a very sexual and seductive woman.
 
So I decide that while I’m looking for the perfect woman, I could have a different and unique relationship with her. I had asked to meet her for a drink, but after hours of x-rated talk she decided she just wants me to come to her place. So I drive to her place in the Woodlands and text her when I get to the address to make sure I’m at the right place. She confirms, tells me the door is unlocked and to come on in.
 
I do. She walks out from another room wearing a red mesh nightee and black heels. And she has a set of 42D’s. I’ve never seen boobs so big; I mean she looked like she would tip over while walking to me in those heels. She wasted no time with small talk either.
 
What an amazing night! We agreed that we both crave the same type of a relationship, so she is my new FB.
 
I get back to the house Sunday morning. Girl B has been writing to me. So I reply, and she is up still. We share numbers and end up talking and texting all night. She is absolutely gorgeous, grounded, and bright. So we will have lunch Wednesday to meet. I will ask her out again for next weekend.
 
I haven’t met her yet, but she is one that I would want to date to see if she could be the one. I mean blonde, a model, and ex-cheerleader . . . . ummm!
 
The last night I hear from girl C. She asks for my email address. Moments later I have 7 topless / nude pictures of her. As of today I haven’t replied to her. I am a bit risqué, but by sending naked pics to a stranger sort of makes me thinks she is mentally imbalanced. Anyway, I already have A as my FWB.
 
So that was my weekend. Now back to the Salt Mines, right?
No more lingering thoughts, I'm back in the saddle again.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

My Journal #365 - A Duck on the Pond

I spent my Thanksgiving one year in the mountains. I had been lying motionless for 36 hours prior to the dawn of that Thanksgiving. I was covered in snow and had spread animal feces all over me since there were dogs in the area. I spent most of the time gazing through a high power scope, watching a target and mapping his movements.

That was my life then. I’d get sent somewhere, I’d do a job, and then I was supposed to come back perfectly normal. Last week I was told I was suffering from DPSTS. Hearing that news changed me.

I don’t go to doctors or dentists. I always say it because I know my body better than a stranger, even if that stranger is a doctor. But the real reason is I never want to hear that something is wrong. Once I hear the news from someone that supposedly knows, it becomes real.

I broke my arm, elbow and wrist once. I didn’t go to a doctor. I guess I knew it was fucked up, but if I didn’t hear it then I could tell people it was broken; but in my mind I was and would be fine. So I put on a bowlers wrist brace, an elbow pad and a sling on myself and moved on.

So hearing that my mind is a wreck was seriously bad news. I can function well. I have a high IQ, I work hard, I’m opinionated and I always succeed. But when the lights go down or when I’m left alone I drift. I’m like a duck on the water. Everything looks fine on the surface, but under the water it’s a mess.

My latest realization tied to this thought is that I will eventually screw up any relationship I try to enjoy. I was told I screwed one up last night. Also, I haven’t heard from Mustang since last Sunday night, even though I’ve called, sent text messages and emailed. So we can all assume I screwed that one up too. The Fox lady is still around, but I keep missing chances to meet her.

I screw shit up.

But at the darkest moment I got a call from HMPOA. She was busting my balls for sending rather drunk text messages to her from the game this Sunday. She said she knew I was drunk because I mis-spelled every other word, and she knows I hate mis-spelling. It made me smile a bit.

Somehow we got onto the topic of us. HMPOA and I started as co-workers, then became friends and had a tumultuous time. Everyone thought we were fucking because we were friends. After a few years of being friends and being accused of having sex everywhere including the office, we decided to try dating. That lasted about 5 weeks before we both decided that we were better friends than lovers.

I was just thinking about that relationship. Yes, it ended just like every other relationship I had tried. But it didn’t end bloody. And after thinking through it I figured out why. HMPOA is a lot like me, she is very direct and honest. Ok, she will lie in the moment; but every time she would come clean shortly after. I think that directness was the reason we stayed friends.

She used to critique our dates after we would get back to her place. I’m sure that sounds bizarre, but it was exactly what I loved about her. We would talk about everything. Where we went, how close we stood, what was said, how we kissed, we discussed everything. So I ALWAYS knew exactly where I stood with her. And after 5 weeks it was easily obvious that we weren’t meant to be romantic.

So perhaps, even though I am supposedly a mental wreck, my relationships end poorly because I need that amount of honesty. And every relationship I’ve had lately was sprinkled with inconsistencies, confusion and frustration. Yes, I take full responsibility for screwing up all my relationships. But maybe a little blame goes to all those women who wouldn’t just tell me what the heck was going on.

I know I can be good in a relationship, and I am certain that I am a great catch. Maybe my disorder creates this confusion and causes most women to pull back and keep things to themselves. But still, talking to me might have made the relationship blossom into a great friendship like I have with Banana Rama, Martel, Lovely girl . . . . and HMPOA.

I’m leaving for SA tomorrow. My folks don’t have internet so I won’t be able to write. So today I will give you my shout outs.

Banana Rama – Thank you for putting up with me all these years. You truly are the sister, and the family I need now.

Martel – Thank you for always knowing when to bug me and when to let me be in my cave. You’re my football bitch, and my trusted friend. You get me thorough a lot of tough nights even though you have no idea I’m a mess.

HMPOA – Thank you for reminding me that I’m not always the ONLY problem.

Lovely girl – We’ve drifted apart twice before. Once was your choice and once was my choice. I just glad we keep finding each other.

I have one more line for someone that I will never speak to again, and the last thing I shared with them was anger. I never want a relationship of mine to end that way.

So I choose these words as my last words ever to that person . . . . I really care about you.

Happy Thanksgiving.

My Journal #364 - Let's be Serious . . .

I used to lie my ass off. And damn, I was really good at it. I lied to get things for me. I lied to get things from others. I lied to get chicks to drop their panties. And sometimes I lied just because I knew I could get away with it.
 
I was a freakin’ liar. Yet back then everyone thought I was the most honest and trusted man in the world.
 
Then one day someone lied to me, and it bugged the shit out of me. So right then and there I chose to be honest. I became one of those guys you hate because if you ask me if “this dress makes you look fat” I will tell you what I think. But for the most part people appreciate that I am 100% honest.
 
Yet since I became honest I have been accused of lying more times than I can remember.
 
So this is a chat I thought everyone already understood; but I am now obligated to state it in public.
 
This is a journal of my life and a series of illogical stories. When it comes to entertaining you, then there may be some “fluffing”. But when it comes to me, I tell the truth. I don’t force anyone to read my journal. I ask people to try it. If you find it entertaining then read again. If you don't, then you can tell me why and we can have an adult conversation; or you can read something else.
 
But this journal is for me to vent, to dump shit off of my shoulders, and to just write. I love to write. You are welcome to challenge anything I write. I welcome all your comments and questions.
 
But don’t threaten me, it’s not very becoming. And it seriously pisses me off.
 
So, if you enjoy reading then please continue. If it makes you feel better about yourself  or your life to call me a liar then feel free, but then you probably should stop reading too. And if you don’t enjoy my journal go read the newspaper or something, I’m sure there are no lies there.
 

Sunday, November 18, 2012

My Journal #363 - A shooting

First, I am fine.

Once we finished giving shots today my cousin got a call from his dad. He wanted us to drive the property before sunset. This is a task we do to ensure there are no squatters. Occasionally, individuals will set up camp on the property. If we don’t encourage them to leave, then by law they develop rights over time. It’s a sad job, but one that has to be done.

As I have mentioned, I don’t do weapons. I know how, I’ve used them before, but I choose not to now. My brother and cousin did though; for protection. We had traversed the property and it was dusk. We were returning to the house when we saw a fire. We turned off the trail to examine; and that is when it happened.

I was driving. I saw a flash, heard a hiss, and then heard the crack of a rifle. I know it sounds backwards, but that is how it goes when someone fires upon you. The round missed me by inches. My brother and cousin immediately returned fire. There were no more shots, and we never found the shooter.

As most of you know, I’ve been shot at before. I’ve never been hit or even scratched. I’d like to think I have some force field around me to wart off bullets. But I imagine the truth is I haven’t come across someone accurate enough to hit me.

Unfortunately, the event did take me back to a bad place. When we got back to the house to pack up (I had promised to go see Suze) I was actually shaking. I’ve never done that before. I remembered all the fire fights I had been in before. I sat quietly thinking of every single shot that hissed by me, or bounce off of something near me.

Then I wondered why I lived.

I drove back to Houston alone. I considered these events all the way back. I went straight to see Suze.

[Thanks for being there Suze]

I do believe in a supreme being. I do believe that everyone has to deal with trials and tribulations. I do believe that my supreme being won’t give me more than I can handle. But wow, I’m not superman.

My life has been so brutal. I keep thinking that tomorrow is the day that all the good things begin to happen. Yet every night I look back on the day and wonder why. Tonight I wonder why me.

Lord, I’d love to be anybody else for a day.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

My Journal #362 - POEM : Never a Goodbye

Never a Goodbye

I still miss you…
But not like before.
The intense passion I felt,
Isn’t there anymore.


I still whisper your name…
Not as often as I used to.
Now it may be just once,
Before the week is through.


I still hear your voice…
Replaying in my mind.
But it’s slowly fading now,
Soon silence I will find.


I still long for you…
To feel your soft touch.
But it’s not like before,
I don’t dream it as much.


I still think about you…
And wonder how you are.
But my feelings have changed,
They just don’t go as far.


I can still see you sometimes…
Like you’re still here with me,
But it’s just a dying memory,
Of how I wished it to be.


You still have my heart..
Because I always felt you near.
Now, I’m hoping and praying,
That, this too, will disappear.


So this isn’t goodbye..
There’s just nothing else to say.
Everything I thought of you,
I guess will fade away.

Friday, November 16, 2012

My Journal #361 - The Pool

A very early good morning!
 
[As if any of you will read this before 7 am.]
 
I know I’ve been distant this week, but I’ve got a lot of shit on my mind. I still think about each of you daily. I have made a lot of difficult decisions this week, and I’ve got more to make soon. I’m not the type to second guess myself. I make a decision and move forward. But that doesn’t mean that late at night when I can’t sleep, that I don’t think about my decisions and sometimes feel sad.
 
So no “shout outs” this week. Please know you are in my thoughts, even those that don’t read my journals anymore. And Martel, I miss out late night chats.
 
Oh well, moving on.
 
A couple of ladies have come back into my life recently, and that is upbeat news. I’m hearing from Lovelygirl and HMPOA a lot again. I haven’t mentioned this to either of them, but I find it funny that once I quit trying to communicate with Sunshine, that the two friends that hated her the most re-appeared in my life. I assume that they just got sick of hearing me talk about her while they seemed to know that she was just using me for favors. Trust me; I understand how hard it is to walk away from someone you care about. And watching a friend walk off of a cliff is a hard thing to do.
 
I think that having them back is a good thing. Thanks ladies.
 
SuzyQ has finally got me set up on twitter. HMPOA already got me involved with Facebook. Both accounts are set up as Illogical69, so you are aware. I still don’t know exactly what to do on Facebook, but a lot of followers have “friended” me there. For some reason, on Twitter it seems to be a bunch of really interesting chicks. I really get a chuckle reading their Twits.
 
[Is “Twit” the correct word?]
 
Anyway, since my mind is elsewhere, and since I will be at the ranch this weekend working cattle; I really don’t have much to say. I need the time away from life, and cattle don’t complain or bitch much; and they listen very well when I vent. And my brother is working with me this weekend and I love hanging out with him.
 
[Luv ya Bro!]
 
So instead of writing, I decided to post one of my “short stories”. So run a hot bath, light some candles, grab a bottle of wine & whatever “toy” you choose, and make yourself “happy” reading it.
 
I love you all!
 
The Pool
 
 
He was so happy to see her, and to see her the way she was. Her hair was wild, and part of it had blown across her face. She had on large sunglasses and a light blue, very skimpy bikini with lime green trim. Her top was almost falling out of the bikini top and she had already started on her tan. She also had on high heel slip-ons. But in spite of her voluptuous body, he focused on the tray of margaritas she was holding.

He had just changed into his orange swim trunks. He had spent many weeks out in the sun as usual so he was already dark. He was also wearing his old straw western hat and his blue shades. He wasted no time in stepping right up to her. Her beauty overshadowed the pool, the tables with bright blue and green umbrellas, the palm trees swaying to the soft spring breeze, and the beautiful sunny day that had been provided for their enjoyment.
They hugged briefly and laughed about the surprise visit she had planned for him. They each took a drink and made their way to the far side of the pool. He sat on the edge with his legs in the cool pool water. She sat on the tanning ledge he had designed with only about an inch of water. She sat facing him with her legs bent up and her feet in the water.
The discussion was just like where they had left off a year ago. It was fun, funny, deep, and intellectual. He kept thinking to himself how she is truly a “one-of-a-kind”. She is incredibly beautiful, amazingly sexy, has a super sense of humor and yet has the mental capacity to handle high level discussions and keep up; often times surpassing him.
 
As they started their second drink, she repositioned herself and moved next to him. She was now sitting on the edge of the pool as well, dangling her soft and muscular legs in the cool pool water. She continued chatting with him, but he was having trouble focusing on her words as he kept gazing at her sexy legs slowly moving through the water. At one point she told something very funny and they both laughed uncontrollably. He leaned towards her laughing and at the same moment she moved towards him. Their faces were caught inches from each other, and the both realized this simultaneously.
 
He caught his breath. She was so cute and he was so close to her. He continued a fake laugh to attempt to feign his nervousness. But she stopped laughing. She looked directly at him, her eyes bouncing from his eyes to his lips. He tried to convince himself that this was an accident, but he had seen this look before. He wanted to touch her soft skin. But he knew that she was in love with another. He fought the urge, constantly reminding himself that she was just here as a friend to celebrate his birthday; and nothing more.
 
He pushed himself up and out with his arms and slowly slid into the pool. He tossed his hat back on the deck as well as his shades, and submerged himself in the cool water. As he floated underneath he felt like he wanted to stay here for hours. He loved having her here with him. She was very special to him. But he was smitten with her and he knew he would have trouble remaining “friendly” if he didn’t cool down.
 
He began to run out of air, so he rose up tilting his head back to pull his long brown hair out of his eyes. As he cleared the water and felt the warmth of the sun, he gazed back to the edge where he had left her; yet she was no longer there. Then he was startled to feel her presence right next to him in the pool.
 
He looked over to see as she emerged from a dunk, also tilting her head back to allow her long blonde locks to free fall back. She looked at him with no expression. He gazed at her tanned body, glistening from the pool and watched as every drop of water trickled down her face and down her cleavage. She raised her hands, gently sliding her hair behind her ears. Her lips shimmered with moisture. She looked incredibly inviting.
 
“I guess you needed to cool off, huh?” she softly asked.
 
His tongue was tied up in knots. He tried to think of a proper response, but standing so close to her, all alone, in this amazing scene was more than he could handle. But he dug deep for just the right words. Yet it was not to be. He felt her fingers touch his hand, and then gently squeeze his fingers.
He glanced down to make sure he wasn’t imagining all this, and then gazed back at her face. She had that look again.
 
Without so much as a further thought, he reached out and took her face in his left hand and leaned towards her. She gave him an inviting look, so he softly kissed her lips while sliding his hand to her shoulder. She still had her other hand holding his under the water, and she softly squeezed her approval. Her lips were soft and moist, and she tasted of pool water and tequila. Yet at that moment it was the sweetest taste he ever tasted.
 
The kiss lasted just a moment, and as he pulled back she placed her hand on his hip. Right then he knew he had crossed a line. He was so into her right then that he had forgotten whose she was. He gave her a goofy smile, and then dove back into the pool swimming away from her as quick as he could. When he reached the end of the pool, he pulled himself up without looking back at her and dropped over the edge into the warm bubbling waters of the Jacuzzi.
 
He turned and sat on the seat, while looking back her way one more time. She was standing right where he had left her, staring right back at him with a very seductive look on her face; or maybe it was confusion; or maybe it was sarcasm. His mind was not really too sharp right then. She turned and lifted herself out of the pool, grabbing their drinks as she rose. He watched as droplets of water trickled down her heavenly body, how each leg tightened with each step, how her breast swayed with each movement.
 
She slid into the Jacuzzi right next to him, softly moaning to the feeling of the warmth of the water. She handed him his drink and softly asked if he was alright.
 
Was he alright? Hell no he wasn’t alright. His mind was racing with thoughts of touching her, caressing her, and holding her tight. He took the drink from her hand and turned his look away while he sipped. Instantly he felt her hand on his thigh under the water. He looked back at her as she placed her drink on the ledge and gazed back at him.
 
She belonged to someone else. If he were in a relationship he could never turn to someone else. But she was his “kryptonite”. He melted when she was around him. She took all his strength away when she was near to him. He wanted her every time he saw her. He thought about her often, and seldom as a friend but more as a lover. And now he sat right next to her, alone in a warm Jacuzzi, her face shadowed by the sun, tender droplets of water sliding exactly here he wanted his hands to be, and looking at him in a wanting fashion.
 
He dropped his drink in the Jacuzzi and grabbed her head with both hands. He quickly moved towards her and met her lips with a force built of a year of repressed passion. His powerful kiss tilted her head back and leaned her over on the seat. He held her head just before he submerged her. She was passionately returning his kiss as they slid across the seat together.
 
He lowered his hands, catching her bikini straps in the process and sliding them down over her shoulders. She replied by slipping her arms out of the straps, allowing her top to drop. He never wanted to stop kissing her, but he couldn’t resist. He slowly lowered his head, using his tongue to titillate her as it slipped down her neck. He took both breasts in his hands, running his thumbs over her already erect nipples. He pulled her breast up out of the water and wrapped his lips around the nipple, sliding her piercing under his tongue and licking the tip of her nipple inside of his mouth.
 
Her breasts were large, soft and moist as well. He massaged them vigorously as he sucked and titillated her nipples. She had dropped her head back and appeared to be enjoying the attention. He felt her hand sliding up his thigh, and coming to rest on his crotch. She slid her hand back and forth a few times, causing him to gently nibble on her nipple. Then she let out a sigh and grabbed him firmly through his trunks and started gently pumping him underwater.
 
He moved his head back up and found her lips again. They embraced in another forceful and deep kiss, his tongue searching her mouth for her piercing. He had one hand firmly massaging her breast while softly caressing her nipple and piercing. He slipped his other hand underneath the water and slid it quickly between her legs. She spread her legs open for him as her tongue entered his mouth and her stroking suddenly stopped.
 
He slipped her bikini bottom to the side and used his finger to softly caress her clitoris. She immediately slid her hand down and inside of the front of his trunks taking his rock hard member firmly in her hand and squeezing with all her might. His finger slid easily inside of her. As he probed her, her stroking pace quickened. He slipped a second finger inside of her as she was now moaning uncontrollably.
 
He had to taste her!
 
He quickly grabbed her and lifted her upwards as she took a seat on the edge of the pool. Her breasts were fully exposed as her top was down around her waist. He didn’t bother to remove it though as he forcefully grabbed her bikini bottom and pulled it down her thighs. She raised her legs and helped him remove her bottoms. She quickly spread her legs exposing herself to him as she grabbed the back of his head with both hands and assisted him to where he wanted to be.
 
He kissed her clitoris with the same passion he kissed her lips with. He moved her legs to his shoulders as she laid back and began massaging her own breasts. He slipped his tongue where his fingers had previously been, and used a finger to massage her clit while he explored. Her juice was flowing and it tasted so sweet. He kept massaging her; on the inside with his tongue and on the outside with his fingers. She was sliding back and forth and occasionally pumping her clit into his face.
 
He would stop occasionally to lick and kiss her inner thigh. But when he would she would stop fingering her breasts and pull him back to her. He loved the teasing though, so he continued this process, but when he was in her, he made sure that she was getting the BEST he had to offer.
 
He was deep inside of her. He was vigorously massaging her clitoris with his finger. She was pounding her crotch into his face over and over. And she was pinching her own nipples as he peeked up to watch her erotic display. Her legs tightened and squeezed his head. She let out a loud moan which quickly became a scream. She grabbed his head and shoved him deeper inside of her clit as she sat up shaking and moaning. His face was immediately flooded with her juice. He massaged even more vigorously now to maximize her pleasure as he used his tongue to capture as much of her as he could.
 
Her legs relaxed as she fell back onto the deck with a long, merciful sigh.
 
He gazed at her, lying motionless, completely naked shy of a bikini top still wrapped around her waist while her bottom floated in the Jacuzzi. He realized that they were on the deck in the back yard, but at this moment that didn’t matter. He would want her wherever they were.
 
He had climbed up to lie by her side. He slid an arm under her head to keep it off the deck, and he just stared at her. Droplets of sweat and pool water trickled across her nude body. Her face was flush and her eyes closed. He wanted to be deep inside of her right then, but he knew she liked things different and he would give her different.
 
As she lay motionless, other than her breasts swaying with each breath, he ran his finger over the rim of her glass removing the sugar with which she had lined the drink. He slowly placed the tip of his finger on her lips, leaving a touch of the sugar for her tongue to sample. He watched as her tongue slid across her lips, her eyes never opening, and only a soft sigh to signal him to continue. He ran his finger slowly down her neck, between her breasts, and then gently down to her belly button; leaving a scant trail of sugar as he went.
 
He then leaned down to her, softly kissing her and then sliding his tongue across her lips to taste the sweet sugar. Then he slid his tongue down the trail of sugar he had left, spending time licking her body to collect every grain of sugar he could. He paused for a moment as he licked between her breasts. He moved her hands to her breasts and gently licked each nipple as she held them up for his pleasure. Her nipples were staring straight up now, and begging him for attention. He knew he would be back to them shortly.
 
He continued slowly licking up the sugar as he moved his tongue down her body, slowly and gently. She was flinching and tried to push his head down. But he moved her hands back to her own breasts and continued his slow path down. He could sense the anticipation she was having. But he had a plan, and she would have to wait.
 
He reached her belly and used his tongue to swish around and inside her button. She bent her legs up, spreading them uncontrollably as he did, but he gently pushed her legs down as he then reached for her glass again. This time he slipped the lime from the edge of the glass. He moved back up to her face, eyes still closed as she squeezed on her nipples for both their pleasure. He briefly kissed her again, and had an undeniable urge to slip off his trunks and slide his dick past her lips. But he wasn’t finished with his erotic drink creation yet.
 
He placed the lime on her lips, and she slowly sucked it in. Once it was half way past her lips he leaned down kissing her again, and biting the lime causing the juice to squirt inside both of their mouths. He let go of the lime, and returned to her chest where he slowly let the lime juice trickle down on each nipple. Then he slid down to her belly and let the remaining juice pour into her button.
 
She was shaking uncontrollable throughout this process. He returned to her breasts, as she again pushed them up for his enjoyment. He ran his tongue over her breasts, beginning low and working his way up to her nipple, licking every drop of lime juice on the way. Then he did the same with the other breast, only once he reached the nipple he held her breast, massaging it firmly, and sucked the long and erect nipple to the back of his mouth. He continued to suck her massive breast for a moment as she moaned her approval.
 
Then he moved down again, only slipping past her belly to lick her clit. It was one lick, but it lasted over a minute as she twice tried to place her hands on his head. But he moved her hands back to her breasts each time. Then he moved back to her belly, ran his tongue again over her belly button and then licked the lime juice he had left there. He saw that goose bumps were forming below her button, and the tiny blonde hairs below were beginning to stand up.
 
She let go of one breast and reached out to grab him. He again moved her hand back to her breast. She started rubbing her breasts together, so he paused to watch as she masturbated her breasts, probably for her own pleasure; but giving him more pleasure than she could ever imagine. Again, he fantasized about removing his trunks and placing his cock between her breasts as she massaged both herself and him with her breasts. But he still wasn’t finished with his magical drink yet.
 
He reached down and grabbed one cube of ice. Again he placed it on her lips. She flinched from the cold as she still had not opened her eyes. She let the cube slide past her lips and again he lowered himself down, kissing her gently and removing the cube from her mouth. He then made the trek down her body again, with the cube on his lips. He stopped to put each nipple inside his cold lips, while running the ice cube across them with his tongue. Her body was moving more now, and goose bumps were appearing everywhere.
 
She had given up on massaging her breasts and was now masturbating herself as he continued sliding the ice cube down. As he twirled what was left of the cube around her belly, he watched as she placed two fingers inside of her love box and massaged herself with the other fingers. The first cube had completely melted now, leaving a pool of water in her belly button. So he reached for another cube.
 
He placed this cube in his mouth and leaned down moving her hands away from his next target. He kissed her between her legs as she arched her back from the feeling of the cold ice on her clit. He then slid the cube inside of her with his tongue, causing her to jump. But he held her down as her moans became louder. He used his tongue to slide the cube around inside of her.
 
Then he sucked the cube out of her, took it in his hand and held the cube inches from her lips. The droplets of ice and her juice dripped onto her lips as she licked each one in. This was more erotic to him than anything he had done yet. But he enjoyed watching her being pleasured so much that he fought to maintain composure and not immediately ravage her body.
 
He reached over and grabbed the drink. He held it over her lips and poured a touch in her mouth, and she accepted it happily. Then he poured another bit into her belly button. He lowered himself down on her, sucking the drink out of her belly as he slid his hand down between her already open legs. He then poured the rest of the drink on her breasts while still massaging between her legs. Now, his entire focus would be on those beautiful breasts.
 
He ran his tongue and lips all over her chest and breasts; kissing, sucking and licking every inch. The sensation of having her tit in his mouth while feeling the warmth of her pussy with his fingers was almost enough to make him take her right then. But watching as she wiggled and squirmed around the deck was so erotic that he had to continue.
 
He was massaging one breast and fingering the nipple and nipple ring while his lips and tongue explored her other breast. The combination of sugar, lime, and margarita were overshadowed by the natural taste of her body. His cock was extremely rigid as he felt her quaking with his every touch. He would suck as much of her breast into his mouth as he could, and then suck it more. Yet he was trying desperately not to leave a mark which would have to be explained to her man later.
 
She was moaning continuously now. He had been fixated on her tits for over 5 minutes while continuing to alternate between sliding his fingers deep inside of her and then massaging her vigorously. He slid up and met her lips, which she immediately gave to him. This wasn’t a “goodbye” kiss. She had the power of a woman on the verge of exploding. She grabbed his head pulling him down and moving her tongue deep in his mouth.
 
They kissed, and they kissed, and they kissed more. He loved how she was kissing him and that alone was tempting him to move forward. Every time her tongue met his he fantasized that it was wrapping around his erection; massaging it and sucking on it with all her might. Yet her kiss was so passionate he wouldn’t stop. He wanted this kiss to last a lifetime.
 
She suddenly broke off the kiss with a beckoning scream. He felt her shaking violently as her juice poured on his fingers. He flipped down to her immediately, placing his hands underneath her butt and raising her up to meet his lips. He buried his face in her clit and forced his tongue as deep as he could inside of her. She grabbed for his legs, trying to pull him on top of her for some 69 pleasure. But he resisted. This was still all about her.
 
This orgasm lasted for over a minute. She couldn’t lie still, as she bounced and quaked. But in a while she finally fell silent and motionless as he continued kissing and licking her clit. She softly placed her hands on his head and massaged his hair as he finished her off.
 
He was exhausted, but still excited as he lay down beside her limp body. Their eyes met again.
 
“I want you inside of me!” she begged.
 
He stood up, helping her to her feet, and escorted his completely nude and exhausted dream woman inside the house for round three.
 
He wrapped a towel around her and they walked in the back door. She looked at him with a sheepish grin and told him she had her bags in her car, and would he mind bringing them in to her. She smiled and told him that she needed a shower too. He was a bit taken back by this. He had hoped that their sexual escapade would continue as he still needed to be “handled”. But he agreed and walked out to her car and retrieved two bags.
 
When he returned he heard the bathtub running in the back room. He dropped her bags outside of that door and went to the refrigerator to grab a beer. He then decided that he too may be a bit “steamy” and a shower might also help him get over the fact that he wasn’t getting laid. So he went to the other bath and stepped into the shower.
 
He was washing his hair and enjoying the feeling of clean water splashing on his back when he again got the feeling of another presence. He had shampoo in his eyes, but it appeared the shower curtain was open. That’s when he felt a hand on his cock.
 
He immediately rinsed the soap from his eyes just in time to see her on her knees, looking up at him, and holding him in her hand. She continued gazing at him as she slowly licked him like a lollipop.
 
“I told you I want you.” She reminded him.
 
She parted her lips ever so slightly without removing her eyes from him. She pressed his cock against her lips, again gently licking the head. Then, with a devilish grin she very slowly slid him past her lips, but just a tiny bit. He felt her tongue dabbing at his head. Then, just as slowly she slipped him back out and returned to licking up and down his shaft, never giving up her eye contact.
 
The sight of this incredibly sexy woman, on both knees, in his shower, and completely naked while wanting nothing more than to give him pleasure was more than he could bear. He reached down placing his hands on her head and offering encouragement to continue. Again, she slowly slid him past her clinched lips and very slowly slid him out again. The anticipation was growing, as was her devilish grin.
 
She grabbed his cock with both hands, sliding her wet and soapy hands up and down his shaft. She rose up a bit, placing his cock between her breasts while squeezing her breast together, smothering his shaft. She massaged him with her breasts, pushing one up while pushing the other down on each side of him; and watching as he enjoyed it.
 
“Slow down stud” she said, “I’m going to give you the suck of a life time, but it will be my way . . . very slow . . . payback for making me wait outside.”
 
She grinned as she kissed the head of his unit.
 
“Now I need you to focus on how you are going to fuck me when we get out of this shower. It’s your birthday, so whatever you want and however you want it . . that’s how it will happen. So you think about that, and I will deal with this. . “
 
With that she dropped her head down on him, taking him all the way to the back of her throat. The sensation was amazing, and he was in awe that she was here . . . with him . . . sucking on his dick. In an instant she slid him back out and started bobbing her head up and down slowly. He was already about to blow.
 
He reached down grabbing her head and pushing her down faster. She stopped cold, grabbing his hands and pushing them to the side. She looked up at him, winked, and said, “Relax baby, I’ll get you there. Just enjoy the ride and think about what comes next!”
 
She went right back to sliding him in and out of her mouth. He closed his eyes, trying desperately to relax. He reached up behind him and grabbed the shower head, trying to lock his fingers there instead of grabbing for her again. He felt her lips sliding up and down, but so slowly and deliberate. She was squeezing him to the rhythm. Her tongue was playing tricks with him on every thrust. Ummm!
 
He so wanted to grab her head and just start fucking her in the mouth. He wanted to lie her down in the shower and sit on her chest and just have wild ass sex in her mouth. But she was a lady to him, which actually added to the eroticism. And he also feared that if he tried again she would quit, and he never wanted this feeling to quit.
 
Her pace was slowly quickening as her grip tightened. He desperately tried to think about the next phase of their sex, as she told him to do. But all he could focus on was the feeling she was providing. The shower was steaming up, he felt soap and shampoo sliding down his chest and she was beginning to pound him deeper in her mouth.
 
He tightened his grip on the showerhead, only now it was simply to hold him up. His legs were becoming weak. But she never missed a stroke. She was gradually getting faster, and his anticipation was growing. His mind began to wander. Should he cum in her mouth or pull back when it begins? Can birds fly upside down? What is the meaning of life?
 
Awwwwwhhhh!
 
Suddenly, and with no warning he exploded like a fire hose. The force of his orgasm caused him to lose his balance, but the shower head kept him upright. His legs quivered, his body went numb, his face went flush and his mind went blank. He opened his eyes and looked down to see she never stopped. He was pouring out and she was working his cock just as hard as she had been.
 
Before he could collapse, he felt another one.
 
Awwwwwhhhhh!
 
The second time felt like an earthquake. His emotions were soaring, but his brain was flat. His legs were now rubber as he clung to the shower head. He was still in her mouth, only now she was treating him with tender loving care, massaging him with her tongue, and gently rubbing his shaft.
He knelt down from exhaustion. He felt her wrapping her arms around him as she softly moaned. He looked up to meet her eyes as they slid to the floor of the shower embracing each other. They kissed.
 
He must have passed out, because the next thing he knew he was curled up with her on the shower floor, warm water pouring all over him, and her passed out as he had been. But she opened her eyes and immediately smiled.
 
“I’m ready for you” she said while stretching out a bit, “What’s next?”
 
He remembered for a moment that he had just had multiple orgasms. He remembered wondering if his dick would ever be able to become rigid again. He had wondered if he would ever be able to stand again. Yet all this goddess had to do was smile at him and he was immediately erect again.
 
She was his kryptonite.
 
He knew exactly what he wanted next. He didn’t want to tease, he didn’t want to wait, and he didn’t want the bizarre. He slowly stood up and turned off the shower. The he took her hand and helped her to her feet. They stepped out of the shower together and without drying off walked directly to the large king size bed.
 
She didn’t have to ask. She could tell by his look and his walk that he was going to handle things from here. He stopped her at the foot of the bed, taking both of her hands in his and standing right up against her.
 
“In case I forget to tell you later, this is the best birthday present ever!” he stated.
 
She smiled and looked down, perhaps slightly embarrassed or perhaps hoping to send him a signal that this was a “one-time” only event, and any further thoughts were beyond her. Perhaps she was thinking that she would like to have moments like this, with him, for a while. Perhaps she was thinking of her man, sitting at her home, waiting for her return.
 
Whatever it was she was thinking it didn’t matter right now. When she was with him, she was his and only his.
 
He used his finger to raise her face up. She was still smiling at him, she always smiled at him. He softly kissed her lips as she rose on her toes to meet him. He slowly moved forward as she let go of one of his hands and dropped it behind her onto the bed. He braced a hand on the bed as well. He laid her softly on her back, and assisted her in moving up the bed. She came to rest lying on her back, one leg bent and the other straight. She pulled her hair back out of her eyes as he knelt between her legs, simply admiring the perfectness of her body.
 
He leaned forward, placing his arms on either side of her. She responded by spreading her legs and wrapping them around his waist. He lay down on top of her, resting his face inches from hers. He could feel her breasts between their bodies. He could feel her feet on his back. She raised her head up and took him in her arms, kissing him ever so slightly. He enjoyed her kisses, but now the kissing wasn’t for pent up passion. The kisses weren’t about two people in heat. He genuinely felt that these kisses were two people that truly cared for each other, and were about to share a moment.
 
He rose up and placed his hands under her hips, raising her up ever so slightly. He slowly entered her. Her eyes closed as her lips pursed. He pushed his way all the way inside of her, and then slowly slid back. She was immediately moist, and his erection grew from the feeling of her soft warm body.
 
He slowly slid back inside of her, gazing at her as he did. She opened her eyes and looked up at him. She wanted more, but she was willing to wait. He slowly pulled back again and then a little quicker slid back in. She sighed as he pushed his way deeper inside of her. As he pulled back once again, he grabbed both of her breasts firmly. He pushed deeper inside of her, a bit faster and harder. He pulled back quicker.
 
Their eyes were fixed on each other. His rhythm continued to quicken to the point that she was having trouble keeping her legs wrapped around him. She spread her legs wider, giving him full access to her body, and pointed her legs for the ceiling. She reached back over her head and took hold of the headboard, bracing herself and keeping her head from slamming into it. He braced himself by taking a firm grip on each of her massive breasts, as his sliding motion had now become more of a thrusting motion.
 
Their eyes never left each other.
 
He was moving hard and fast now, pushing himself deeper and deeper inside of her. There was no resistance. She was freely giving him full access to her pussy; and from the way she was biting her lip, she was enjoying it as much as he was.
 
Their eyes never left each other.
 
He moved faster, now slamming himself into her with each forward thrust. Her head was sliding towards the headboard each time, and her grip on the headboard was her lifeline. He felt her breasts bouncing hard with each powerful thrust, but he was hanging on to them tightly.
 
Their eyes never left each other.
 
His pace had become almost a race now. With each thrust he tried to go faster and deeper. He let go of her breasts and reached under her hips lifting her up to give him and more direct “slam” into her. He squeezed the sides of her hips to hold her pussy in place as he punished it with all his might . . . faster . . . faster . . . deeper . . . and faster.
 
Their eyes never left each other.
 
She moaned loudly, and long. Her voice was only broken by each thrust into her. He loved her moans, and it made him go faster. He was tingling all over, his body awash with her beauty. The sight of her tits bouncing one direction with each thrust while her piercing seemed to be hanging on for dear life aroused him even more.
 
Their eyes never left each other.
 
Faster and faster he pounded her pussy, his cock begging to be so deep she felt him in her stomach. Harder and deeper he pummeled her. Her face tightened, her moans became screams of pleasure. His balls were slamming her ass with each massive thrust. The sounds of her moans and his cock swishing against her moist pussy aroused him EVEN more. He had never fucked someone so hard in his life.
 
HER EYES LEFT HIS!
 
She screamed loudly as she turned white and flush. Her head rolled upwards as her eyes closed. She pulled hard on the headboard and folded her legs up as she began to quake underneath him. He was almost fucking straight down now as she rolled her legs. His cock was throbbing and pulsating, each thrust now was slamming her body deep into the bed. Faster and faster he pounded her sweet pussy. That pussy was all his right now.
 
He closed his eyes as all he felt was the slamming of his dick inside of her. Pulsating, throbbing, banging, deeper, faster  . . . . . . Ummmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!
 
He came with a force he had never felt. He slammed himself deep inside her one last time, and then pressed all his weight into holding his cock deep in her pussy. It felt like everything inside of him was flying out of his dick all at once. He filled her so full he felt cum oozing out around his balls.
 
She was completely limp now, pale and flush. She released her hold on the headboard, dropping her arms to the side and turning her head to the left. He was still holding her hips in the air and leaning back as far as he could, bending his cock in her pussy to squeeze out every last drop of cum.
 
He too felt flush, and exhausted, and weak. He fell forward on top of her. They both were breathing heavily, sweaty, and wet from the shower. The whole room smelled of their sex. He lay on top of her, feeling every breath she took.
 
After a moment, he turned his head towards her as she turned towards him. As their eyes met, they both smiled again. He kissed her passionately. As he kissed he realized that this may have been their last time together. She had someone else she loved. She had her own life to follow. And she was going to move away soon, even though she hadn’t told him yet.
 
This birthday present was also their swan song.
 
But at least to him it was worth it just to see her. For one day he had her all to himself. For the rest of his life he would have this memory. And for the rest of her life, every time she made love to another man, she would think of him at least once.
 
She grinned that devilish grin at him, oblivious to his thoughts.
 
“What’s next baby?” she asked.
 
He smiled, and placed her face, and this moment, in his memory for eternity. He would definitely miss her.
 

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

My Journal #360 - Decision

OK, I made a decision regarding being a quitter.
 
[I now, I’m usually quicker than this; reference my patience paragraph from yesterday]
 
The person I mentioned has two friends that took it upon themselves to find me. One wants me to give up, and even suggested the two of us get together. The other wants me to keep trying. So I told both of them to talk to their friend. If THEIR friend wants my assistance, then they can ask me for it.
 
And I blocked the friend’s emails and phone numbers. I don’t need to hear it anymore.
 
My Vision Quests guide me to continue. So if they are true, then the spirits need to talk to the person they are worried about. Do to them what you did to me basically. Again, if this person wants assistance then they can contact me and ask.
 
And I’m not taking another Vision Quest for 6 months. I can fend for myself that long.
 
As for Doc, well he can blackmail me if he wants. Someone once said that the best way to get me to do something is to tell me that I can’t do it. Conversely, if you tell me I HAVE to do something then I tend to NOT do it just to piss someone off.
 
So . . . . .
 
I figure all my focus and attention need to be on my bar in Costa Rica and Mustang. Both of those, if corrected, will pay off HUGE dividends; where helping this one particular person will probably bring me more strife and confusion.
 
As usual, I will expand my thoughts further.
 
I find it a shame that I’m in this position. When I have a friend I am the most giving and loyal person in the world. I will run to their side any time of the day or night if needed. If they need anything of mine it is theirs immediately. And if anything ever happens to them I will scour the globe to extract revenge.
 
I did ALL of that for this person in the past. They have NEVER done one thing out of their way for me.
 
Usually I just sort of vanish into the mist when I find a false friend. But for the first (and probably only time) I tried to stick it out to the point of humbling myself. I have never had so many factors pushing me to be around someone. But even all the factors in the world can’t overcome resentment, avoidance, disappointment, rudeness and lies.
 
So I don’t feel bad at all . . . . . . THEY SHOULD!
 
Ok, we are through with this. I was drunker than a skunk last night (ever seen a drunk skunk?) and yet I plan on doing something similar tonight. I’m thinking a fire in the fireplace, a bottle of merlot, a bag of tortilla chips and a great movie . . . . I’m thinking “Friday Night Lights”.
 
Anyone in????? I’ve got extra blanket space.

My Journal #359 - RESPECT

Respect
 
I’ve had an unusual life, but it’s been a thrill a minute. I’ve done things that embarrassed me. I’ve done things that scared me. I’ve done things that now keep me awake at night. I’ve done amazing things. And I’ve done good and bad things.
 
Yet through it all I had respect for myself.
 
Anything in life can be taken away from you. But respect is the only thing that can’t be taken. You literally have to give it up in order to lose it. Additionally, anything in life can be replaced . . . except your respect. Once you lose the respect in yourself, others will lose respect in you. Once you are not respected then you are lost. Once you are lost, you become a “thing” and not a person. And “things” can never find true happiness.
 
I’ve met people that had no respect for themselves. In every case there was some mental disorder that allowed them to give it up, and to begin lying to themselves about who they were. These people were always drawn to other people that have no respect for themselves. I guess it’s their way of justifying themselves. But it just draws them down lower.
 
Last night I spoke of the 12 year old me. And yes, something major did happen. I’m still not ready to discuss those events, but I can tell you that it made me want to be THAT GUY that is always there for anyone. Those events made me want to keep my mind and body sharp, and to “keep my head on a swivel”; always looking for people in trouble.
 
And over the years I became THAT GUY who truly believed he could save anyone. I even began to believe that I could be THE ONE GUY that could give people their respect back to them. I always felt I was bigger and better than most, so through will, or physical force, or intellectual conversations I could restore respect in those lost souls.
 
I would fight, and fight more. Helping these people became my obsession. I couldn’t rest, I couldn’t live my life, and I couldn’t quit until I had succeeded.
But life is constantly teaching us lessons. Some lessons are good and some are bad; but all are critical. The lesson I have learned recently is that some people will never respect themselves. And no matter what I do or how hard I try, I will fail with certain people.
 
I’m not capable of accepting failure. I know it happens and it’s obviously happened to me. But because it exists doesn’t mean that we have to accept it. So here I stand at a cross-road. Have I learned a new life lesson; and is that lesson that I must accept failure when it comes to proving to people their self worth. Or do I just continue to be me; THAT GUY who never quits trying.
 
For those that know me, I ask for your help.
 
I deeply cared for someone, but we just never could connect. I have given up on trying. This person has a couple of friends that care for them too. They too finally told me to quit, that this person is too far gone to bring back. Yet last night one of them reached out to me again. My last Vision Quest told me that I am needed, and I am the only hope. (Ok, that is my mystical thing but it’s always proven to be true). And now the shrink dude tells me he will hold his notes, and keep them to himself, if I try one more time to reconcile with that person; and then do what I need to do for them.
 
So the help I need is a simple answer to a question.
 
In this one person’s case, DO I CONTINUE AS A QUITTER?

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

My Journal #358 - Mumbo Jumbo!

"Delayed Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome"

[Big words, huh?]

It was Tuesday night which means I meet with that shrink dude. I was told tonight’s discussion was to be about my lack of patience. So the SOB has me waiting in his reception area for 20 minutes. I left, I don’t wait long. Yup, I have ZERO patience.

The guy caught up to me in the parking garage. That is where he tells me that he was obligated to turn his notes over to the bureau. Apparently I am now some sort of a threat to myself. And by doing that my life will become a matter of public record.

[And I thought I was doing great!]

Naturally I am pissed. He doesn’t work for them anymore. He hung his own shingle. Personally I think it’s because as of next week I have to start paying this guy if I keep going.

[He didn’t like when I said that then, and I’m sure he hates it that I’ve said it again to you]

So we had our session in the parking garage. Now most of you have never seen me angry. I pick someone or something and I begin pushing. I will push and push until I get a reaction. Then, once the object has reacted . . . . I lunge.

[No, I didn’t attack my shrink!]

I am now told that I am experiencing “Delayed Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome”. Hey, the symptoms are nightmares, lack of sleep, aggressiveness, anger, and significant confusion. Shit, that’s been me my whole life.

But wait Sports Fans, it gets better.

He believes that my previous job is not the cause of my mental illness. Nope, it’s what happened at 12 years old. According to him that one event pushed me way beyond my limits and caused me to become the supposedly violent person that I became. He claims that is why he wanted me to tell you, my close friends, and he said it was most important to share it with Sunshine. Apparently he believes that we have some sort of an emotional connection.

[But wait . . . . it gets EVEN better!]

Apparently I’ve had two triggers that have caused me to (on occasion) lose touch with reality. And one of those triggers was the rather tumultuous yet emotional relationship with Sunshine. Thus the reason I was supposed to talk to her.

[Lord, that woman is haunting me]

So apparently all his urging of me to talk and / or apologize to Sunshine for the recent events was for me to get some peace. He claims it will take years of therapy to make me think like all of you think, but it needs to start with making peace with her.

The only problem with that scenario is that I have no urge to speak to her and she has no interest in EVER speaking to me again. So, being the rather bright guy that I am, I ask the multi-million dollar question . . . .

Do I get to stop staying awake 24 hours a day to avoid my nightmares, and randomly having this urge to pick fights IF I don’t speak to Sunshine?

I mean I am working hard on a relationship with Sandra, even though I feel like I’ve lost my footing. According to the “boy genius”, I can never have a successful relationship with my mind back in 1972 and the events that occurred, coupled with having the pleasure of travelling the world just to put bullets in men’s chests.

[Do I REALLY seem “looney tunes” to any of you?]

As usual I see things my way, simply because I have a higher IQ than most. I don’t need shrinks or people to talk to. I don’t need to “share” the unusual events of my past. No one needs to know what a 12 year old punk kid is capable of doing, and how a 12 year old can handle VERY adult problems.

So I did the only logical thing. I stopped on my way home, bought a bottle of Jack Daniels, hid my phone, hugged my dog, and decided to have a few drinks. Well, first I wrote this crap; but in less than an hour I will be numb again.

FUCK!

My Journal #357 - Yellow Ribbons

Way back in the 70’s, or maybe it was the 60’s, a song was written by Tony Orlando. The song was about a guy that we assume just gets out of jail, or perhaps a relationship. He writes a letter to his love to let her know he’s coming home. But he’s not sure if she wants him. He apologizes for leaving and simply asks her to tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree in the front yard if she’s interested. If there is no yellow ribbon when he comes by, he will keep on driving.
 
If you know me you know I LOVE the thrill of the hunt. I like meeting new people, talking to them, and getting to know them. I make a great first impression I am told. But then everything always sort of gets complicated. I’m sort of beginning to believe that when I decided to accept or try for a relationship I move to fast.
 
You see, when I decided something is right then there is no wasting time. I jump. My problem seems to be that most other people enjoy moving fast when it’s casual, but then prefer to slow down when it becomes serious. I never understood that. If two people can quickly get along well enough to go out, hang out, hook up, or whatever; then why not move to the next lever just as quickly?
 
[My 21 year old self wouldn’t believe that I am having this conversation, by the way]
 
I spent over two years battling this war with Sunshine. This weekend I got an email from Sunshine’s friend telling me it was ok to give up on “that chunky slut”. (Her words, not mine) I’m not sure what happened there but I know her friend is always concerned about Sunshine’s kids and how Sunshine supposedly abuses them. I’ve never seen it so I don’t know. But apparently she has moved to hopeless.
 
[And for the record, I still find Sunshine amazing!]
 
Anyway, now I’m in the same place with Mustang. The funny thing was at first she was the aggressor, talking about us hanging out at her pool, having Thanksgiving together, and other things. Of course this conversation was a bedroom discussion, so I listened and paid attention. But seriously, I enjoyed it this time. It was nice making plans with someone.
 
Well then as we all know, Sunshine showed up one Bloody Sunday and all hell broke loose. Now I seem to be fighting to get Mustang’s attention. Ok, she is very busy as she just bought a house. And she isn’t rude, she’s still somewhat romantic. But I haven’t seen her in a week and I’m going bat shit crazy.
 
So I was wondering how simple life would be with yellow ribbons? I could just call Mustang up, tell her how I feel, and let her know if she feels the same to tie a yellow ribbon around her old oak tree.
 
How romantic!
 
I’ll keep you informed.
 
Oh, by the way . . . .
 
In the Tony Orlando song there were a thousand yellow ribbons tied around EVERY tree for miles when he drove by.