My Journal 150

This past weekend I found a bunch of my old writing. I will share my work with you over time. But for today, this is what a woman should know when she cares for a man.

1.    TAKE CARE OF HIS EGO – You are the ONLY person that could destroy it.

2.    MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHAT HE WANTS NOT WHAT YOU THINK HE WANTS – Ask him and truly listen to his words.

3.    BEING A SUPPORT AGENT – His world is to support, but sometimes he needs some too.

4.    BECOME HIS LOVER NOT HIS MOTHER – He left her for YOU.

5.    BE A VAMP, A WOMAN AND A LADY – Give him all three and he will never need to find another.

6.    SURPRISE HIM (NUDITY AT THE DOOR, TICKETS TO SEE HIS FAVORITE TEAM, BREAKFAST IN BED, ETC.) – It shows him you were thinking of him.

7.    DONT COMPARE HIM TO YOUR PAST MAN – You left that man, appreciate what you have.

8.    KILL HIM WITH KINDNESS – There will be enough difficult times, be kind.

9.    LOVING HIS STRENGTHS AND NUTURING HIS WEAKNESSES

10. BECOMING HIS BEST FRIEND (LEARN TO LOVE WHAT HE LOVES) – He wants you to be that for him.

11. DONT JUDGE HIM BASED OFF YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES - EVERY MAN AND SITUATION IS DIFFERENT.

12. DONT TRY TO CHANGE HIM (WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET) – What attracted you to him is what you like.

13. HAVING A LIFE OF YOUR OWN (DONT BECOME CO-DEPENDENT) – Be independent, but always come home to his bed.

14. TELL HIM VERBALLY THAT YOU APPRECIATE HIM (CONCENTRATE ON HIS POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES, LEARN TO BUILD HIM) – Tell him, don’t assume that he knows or is sure.

15. TRUST HIM UNTIL YOU HAVE A GOOD REASON NOT TOO

16. DONT MAKE HIM GUESS WHAT YOU WANT – He tries to guess, but neither of you know when he is right.

17. PRAISE HIM IN PUBLIC, PROTEST IN PRIVATE

18. LOVE HIS FAMILY (AS MUCH AS YOU CAN) – Ask about them often and offer to visit.

19. LEARN TO APPRECIATE THE WAY HE SAYS I LOVE YOU - REMEMBER THE NON-VERBAL SPEAKS LOUDER THAN THE VERBAL, SOMETIMES.

20.  REMIND HIM OFTEN OF WHY YOU CHOSE TO LOVE HIM – He may forget, tell him EXACTLY how you feel.

My Journal 149

A Memorial Day Riddle

You are walking down a path when you come to a fork in the road. One fork leads to instant death, and one fork leads to happiness, but you don’t know which is which. There is a man standing at each fork. One man ALWAYS lies and one man ALWAYS tells the truth, but you don’t know which one is lying and which one is telling the truth. What one question could you ask of either man that would guarantee that you took the path to happiness?

If you can’t figure it out, I will trade for an answer!

My Journal 148

I am very into my music. I am very specific with my music, but I do love what I love. Mostly it’s the lyrics that make a song great for me. I hear a song for the first time and I can remember the lyrics, but seldom the tune. Now, the music is important which is why one of my genres in Smooth Jazz. But what will really trip my breaker is a good hard rock song with a definite beat and lyrics that tell a story.

Also, when I meet someone or have a fantastic experience the song in the background gets “tagged” to that person. Whenever I hear that song again, whether I like it or not, I think of that person or event. Each of you have a song that reminds me of you too.

Also, I am sure all of you have heard of a birthday list. It’s when someone makes a list of all the crap they would like for their birthday. Well, I have a list of things that I want to DO while listening to a specific song.

These are the things I would LOVE to do to music.

[Footnote – The term THE ONE is used below. This is my phrase for that one woman out there somewhere that is just for me; you know the one that will eventually walk down that damn beach with me at sunset]

~

Make passionate love with THE ONE for me.                     Great White – Rock Me

Have crazy wild ass sex with someone.                            Berlin - Sex

Kiss THE ONE for the first time.                                       Vargo – Back to Serenity

Walk down a beach at moonlight with THE ONE.                Santana – Black Magic Woman

Sip wine by a fireplace on a cold night.                            Gerry Rafferty – Baker Street

Enjoy the ULTIMATE candle light dinner for two.                Lori Carson – Fall in the Light

Receive oral sex.                                                           Queen – Get Down, Make Love

Run and place in a marathon.                                          Bill Conti – Gonna Fly Now (Rocky theme)

Fight the guy that tried to threaten me.                            Survivor – Eye of the Tiger (Rocky III theme)

Sail away on a Cruise ship with a hot blonde.                   Cascadia – Truly! Madly! Deeply!

Celebrate my first anniversary with THE ONE.                  Bill Medley – I’ve had the Time of my Life

~

Ok, be honest with me. How many of these songs have you actually heard?

I’m in the warehouse tomorrow so you may not get a posting. If not, have a great weekend and I hope to see some of you this weekend as well.

Enjoy your Memorial Day Weekend!

Just remember why we remember too!

God bless America . . . . and may God bless you too.

My Journal 147

First, have you ever been called a Creature of Habit? I think that everyone is one. We all have our quirks and set patterns. We get the same coffee from the same shop every working day. We drive the same routes daily. We all have something like our “fish night”. It’s inevitable, we all develop patterns.

But suppose you had to do the opposite?

In my other life that was one of the things that they beat into me. Never do the same thing twice. It is a seriously hard habit to break. And these guys didn’t take the “rewards” approach with their training methods. Nope, they were more like the newspaper to the snout. Their form of training was to completely break me down; physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Once they accomplished this goal (and they always accomplished their goals), they built me up exactly the way that they wanted.

When I left that job, I had to go through months of adjustment training. One of the big points that they pushed was from that day forward, never do the same thing twice. And after living that way for over a year, it was sort of easy to begin my new life in the same fashion. But real life is different. It constantly urges you to develop patterns.

So, today I look at my life and I have many patterns. I don’t know when it started, but “poof”, here I am. I am again a creature of habit. For the majority of the world that really isn’t a bad thing. But for me with my past it could be. I seriously doubt that I still have enemies like that, but there could be some seriously upset individual out there somewhere that is still looking for me. And if they find me, these patterns could be a really bad thing.

Next, a friend said they looked up my address on the internet recently. I did check myself and believe it or not it is my correct address. But you will also notice that there are no pictures of me anywhere on the internet. Anything I do, I do discretely. I was told that this is important. And for many years my former employer would “dump” a bunch of mis-information about me on the internet. I was told that this was a Standard Operating Procedure.

And guess what? I have had different names in my life too. One was WAY COOL! Today I think that most of this is truly an over kill. But again, I have no idea who is lurking out there somewhere with a big hard on to find me again.

And now I wonder why anyone puts pictures of themselves on the internet. There do exist some special search engines that actually search within protected areas and pull back results. So as a test, I picked one of you and ran a search for pictures. I had a friend that had been doing another search for me and found nothing with that search. So I convinced them to run one more search on one of you.

I came up with over 100 pictures. There were party pictures, romantic pictures, crazy pictures, embarrassing picture, drunken pictures, nude pictures, family pictures and the basic head shots. And all this was from one simple search on a protected program. I was amazed. Not at what I found, but at what people will have on the internet. People, nothing is truly hidden. So keep that in mind when you post your crazy night sex pictures. (Yup, those too) Someone can see them.

Next, I just don’t get Facebook and MySpace. I got an email from this blog company about “linking” my pages to a Facebook account. So I decided to join the current century and try to set up a page. I still don’t know if I have done it right. And seriously, there is nothing to do on that page. I have no friends and I have no idea how to find friends. I can’t figure out how to link my words here to that page either. I don’t know what to do there. All I get is some screen demanding that I enter a phone number to proceed.

Screw that!

I hear that people use these pages to “chat” with their friends. I don’t get that either. If I ever want to talk to someone I go to their house and knock on the door. If they are too far away I use this old invention called a telephone and call them. Did you know you can actually hear their voice through this device? It is amazing.

Now you can call me old fashion if you want, but to me a face to face conversation is incredible. For me to be sitting next to a beautiful woman, “chatting” live with her, watching her facial expressions and body language, getting her immediate and uncensored responses, and being able to walk her out and into a nice bed somewhere HAS to be better than typing to someone on a computer. Touching someone has to be so much better than “friending” them.

Next, I do get this “Friends with Benefits” thing. Personally, I have never requested this form of a relationship; but in my past I manufactured many. They were secret and private too. But now it’s open and public. This SA chick asked me for that type of a relationship a while back. Honestly, I use it JUST for my benefit. This chick is sort of crazy about me, so I can simply show up and say, “DO THIS” and she does it. No matter how weird or awkward, it’s always a resounding yes from her.

Now this will sound bad, but I am just trying to make a point. To me this chick is simply “plumbing”. I use her to move fluids. I seriously do absolutely nothing to pleasure her, and she is fine with that. But there isn’t even a tiny bit of attraction on my part. As soon as I am done, I leave. And to be honest with you, I would really like to have a friend that I find attractive with which to be.

But even though I am a very direct person, I find it difficult to simply ask someone I care about, “Hey, I find you attractive and I enjoy sex. Do you want to just get together once ever few weeks and play?” I mean I wouldn’t have a problem with that relationship if I found the person attractive and cared for them. It would be the kind of sex I enjoy. The type where I get my rocks off by getting my partner off so many times that they ask me to stop.

I guess the part that makes this conversation difficult for me is that I want that emotional attraction as well. Seriously, I would like to have someone that I cared about and could call and say, “I’m on my way right now, and I would like to have romantic and passionate sex tonight”. Then maybe next week she calls me and says, “Come over right now, I want to have wild animal sex.” Or maybe, after a tough day I could call and say, “Hey, can you give me a quick BJ to relax me?”

I just can’t figure out how to begin that conversation. And if the answer is a slap to my face, do I lose that person from my life?

Next, I really dislike the acronym LOL. When I first saw it I had no idea what it meant. It has been explained to me it stands for “Laugh out Loud”. But I sort of doubt that this is the ONLY interpretation. I have received this many times and I have interpreted it numerous different ways.

It appears to me that some people use this acronym to send a very different message. It seems to me that at times people are afraid to say what is really on the tip of their tongue, so they substitute this for that. So here is a list of my recent interpretations of the acronym LOL.

·          Fuck NO!

·          Fuck off!

·          Are you fucking serious?

·          Ain’t no fucking way!

·          You are a fucking moron!

Hmmm, maybe some people just don’t like to cuss in a text message. Look, it’s me. JUST BE HONEST!

Next, I got a good chuckle last night. Now for those of you who may not know me, I am 6’1” tall and about 200 pounds. I run daily and lift weights every other day. Basically, I don’t look like a victim.

I am pulling into a gas station. I am travelling on the side of the building and about to make a right turn towards the front of the building. After that turn the pumps would be to my left. I realize that there are no lanes in gas stations, but as I make the right turn I stay to the right.

Another vehicle had pulled out of a parking space to my right and in front of me. They are beginning to make a left turn towards me. I simply stop to give them room to finish their turn. But apparently the driver was in a bad mood. Somehow, my being there where I was supposed to be was problematic to him going through the area where he wasn’t supposed to be.

I left plenty of room for him to make his turn safely. Yet he chose to “sit” on his horn. Again, I assume he was in a bad mood already. Well, honking at me is a minor irritation. I have so much going on in my life that I don’t have time to pay attention to just anyone that honks at me for no reason. But to this guy I was the center of his universe. So he stops in front of me and gets out of his car, cussing loudly.

I really had no interest in his problems, and no intention of getting out of my car. But he was blocking me and pounding on his car signaling me to get out of my car. I finally got tired of waiting and stepped out of my car. I walked away from my car door, looked him dead in the eye, and loudly asked, “WHAT?”

If you could have seen the look on this guys face you would have laughed also. It’s like he immediately realized that I was bigger than him; and not afraid even a little bit. He backed up, apologized and murmured that he thought I was someone else.

Geez people, do some research before you try to be a tough guy!

Oh well, that is enough for today. Don’t forget the two favors I have asked.

My Journal 146

Again, I am trying not to discuss my personal life. But I am sort of excited about how this long weekend is shaping up for me.

I bit the bullet and checked in with LL again. I suggested we do something Thursday or Friday night, trying to re-connect. She is checking her schedule. Geez, it blows me away how women have to check their schedule. Oh, wait a minute. Based on my journal about female responses she is not too interested. Hmmm! (Kidding LL)

Banana-Rama may be in Houston for the weekend. Yippee! She promises me that we will see each other if she in fact makes it here. I’m so looking forward to seeing her; she makes me smile a lot.

Even LovelyGirl has requested some of my time. So one evening I will plant my butt on the couch, put on some smooth jazz, and we will have a 4 hour phone chat. Sometimes talking to her can be brutal, but she is always honest and smacks me back in line. Seriously, I love talking to people, especially to her. That should be fun.

Argh . . . and yup, I will make the trek to SA again one afternoon this weekend. Hey, we all have urges and needs right?

And for my grand finale, I will prepare one of my 14 hour smoked briskets for Memorial Day. I may even smoke some ribs. Mmmm! Other than my visits with you beautiful ladies, I will be spending this holiday alone. But for me that’s a good thing; I don’t like too many people.

Niki-Cole is too new to warrant any of my Holiday time yet. Sorry luv, too many friends and too few days. Well, maybe a short trip next weekend since she has invited me so sweetly.

Actually, only Sunshine was too busy to see me. Your loss. (I’m kidding). Seriously, she’s taking her son camping which is so sweet to do. Or maybe she’s attending a nudist biker convention; you never really get the WHOLE story from her! (Hehehe)

I am truly blessed to have friends like all of you.

STOP LAUGHING!

Today we will discuss “back door” sex. I know, we’re looking for new followers and perhaps this isn’t the most appropriate topic. But I can’t help the thoughts that “pop” into my mind. So work with me here.

Relax; I will try very hard to keep this as clean as possible . . . as we all should. Anyway, I was given a list from the woman that took my virginity when I was a mere punk kid. She was a much older woman, probably in her late 30’s back then. I was a mere 13 or 14 years of age. Anyway, she addressed this topic on the list she gave to me. It was a list to ultimately satisfy women.

I do consider myself EXTREMELY fortunate to have stumbled into this woman as my first. She was a very good teacher, and I worked very hard at mastering the trait at her urging. She taught me that it truly was all about pleasure, and emotions were just the ultimate gravy.

She was very astute. I kept the list of 5 things she gave to me and use them almost always. So far I’ve had very good reviews. I won’t cover the entire list as I think I have already done that in a previous journal. Yet if anyone wants to know, just invite me over. I’ll be more than happy to give you a live demonstration. Anyway, the one I will discuss today is as follows:

NEVER ask to do the “back door”. If your woman wants you to do it you will know it without a doubt.

I had a chat once with LL about this particular action; and no, I wasn’t asking her to let me. Her contention is that if a guy wants that then he is secretly gay. That scared the crap out of me, because I do think about it from time to time. But I think that maybe she is a bit overly jaded on this topic.

I’ve sort of figured out that there are two types of guys when it comes to sexual patterns. One type has a routine that they follow regardless of the partner or the circumstances. You know, step one do this. Step two do that. It never changes. I guess I sort of fit into the second type. We are the types that have no routine at all. It’s all based on the moment and these imaginative thoughts bouncing around in my head, and of course the courage of my partner.

Ok, yes. I do have a couple of things that just really wind me up. And I will maneuver to these scenarios in most instances when it is my turn. But it’s the preliminary work that can be flexible. If I notice a good response in my partner from something, I continue and try to improve that particular action. If I get a limited response I will move to another action. I adapt.

To take it one step further, I like to be unique. I like to try new things and experiment with angles and positions. Some have been amazing and some have flopped. But I am always willing to try something different, even on a first encounter. I think that my group or type is the ones that wonder about “back door” sex because it’s something different.

I’ve found that for the most part that women are all certain with their thoughts on this action. They either absolutely and without a doubt will not do it no matter what, or they swear by it. There is very few “tweeners” on this topic amongst the female sex.

So I have done this before with a woman; and yes, I was asked . . . nay BEGGED to do it. Ok, she is a freak! This woman really enjoys it, and since my goal is honestly to give my partner pleasure I acquiesce. It is a very different feeling from a guy’s standpoint. I sort of liken it to perhaps a virgin, yet a slightly deformed virgin.

Anyway, it’s not one of my favorites. Not due to the sensation because it is a very unique sensation. It’s more like a limiter if you know what I mean. It’s like once you’re into it, that’s it. Basically, I scrub the shit out of myself (literally) afterwards and that sort of ruins the mood . . . if you know what I mean. And like I said, I get enjoyment with change and diversity. You know, like switching positions and locations a lot. And this sort of stymies my creativity.

Actually, this one chick wanted to . . . Uhhhh . . . switch locations rather quickly. Now I don’t tend to be disgusted too easily, but the thought of that really sort of freaked me out. So I didn’t switch.

What can I say, even I have limits.

So, for those females that have tried it I commend you. I do like that pioneer spirit. And by trying it you can make up your own mind as to if you enjoy it or not. For those that haven’t I ask why not? Again, it’s not my favorite thing to do but at least I tried it so I know. I would suggest that every female ask some guy to try it with her once, just to see for yourself.

As for me, just ask. But understand that I will have to make it the grand finale!

[And I don’t mean my world famous brisket either!]

My Journal 145

I listen to heavy metal while I run or workout. I was flipping through my CD’s last night in preparation for a workout and I found an old DVD. It was “It’s a Wonderful Life” from like 50 years ago. What a great movie, and no I didn’t watch it again last night. But as I was thinking about it I remembered my comment from last week about what would the world be like if I wasn’t here. This thought is what that particular movie is all about.

Jimmy Stewart gets so frustrated with his life that he wants to take his own. But he is given a chance to see what the world would be like if he were never born. Wow, what I would give to have that opportunity.

I am conceited; I will grant you that trait. But I am not so conceited to think that my demise on one of the many occasions where it should have happened would drastically change anything. The world ticks at its own pace and we can’t do much to change it. Yet I was told many times that the things I did were to preserve America. I doubt I really had any measurable impact, but what if I did?

What if I failed in my previous life? What if I were a quitter? What if I were too weak? Would we all be enjoying the life we have today? Honestly?

Probably!

But maybe something I did changed the course a millimeter. Would a tiny change from 30 years ago cause a huge change in the world today?

We could ponder this forever. But why? It changes nothing.

So then I wondered how all the people I know would be affected today if I never made it to 2011. When I was shipped away my family had no idea where I was or what I was doing. If I had failed then they would never have been told a single word. To this day they would probably still be wondering what happened. They would probably have searched the globe for me and found nothing. But I know them, they would hold out hope that I was alive until they found my body. It would have been hell for them.

I won an award for heroism last year based on something I did a few years ago. I had the mayor, council members and the whole crew there to present me with an award for going above and beyond the call to help my fellow man (or in this case a woman). I would guess that this particular woman is very happy that I was still alive on that particular day.

I think I played a vital role in this business too. I helped start it and have taken years of abuse to keep it going. And most of my readers worked here at one time or another. So I guess that helped you somewhat. Or maybe it just made you insane, who knows?

I helped LovelyGirl once. Maybe that was something.

I also hope that each of you know that in spite of my personal promise to myself never to hurt anyone ever again, I would literally annihilate anyone that hurts any of you . . . . and their friends . . . . and their family . . . . and their dog.

Other than that, I got nothing.

I realize that I already have you working on a project for me, which is to find me three new hot babes . . . I mean three new readers to follow my journal. But with Memorial day next week, where they honor everyone that served our country (and technically I didn’t); and with the first week of July right around the corner (and most of you know that I disappear for a while then); I sort of hoped you would do me one more favor.

Either send me naked pictures of you, or write down what you think your specific world would be like today if I had never made it home from my previous life. I know its self serving. But everyone deep inside really wants to know if they have made a difference, me included.

Hmmm, maybe I would prefer the pictures?!?!?

Be honest with me. If you really feel l haven’t affected your world one iota, or if you are worse off from knowing me then tell me. I know that I am pushy, aggressive, obstinate, brutally honest and sort of an ass. But whatever it is tell me. Yes, it’s selfish. Sue me!

Illogical69@live.com

My Journal 144

Since I do consider being faithful a very important promise, I would like to re-visit the event from this weekend.

At times in my life I actually did have women that I promised to be faithful to. And believe it or not, I truly expected that promise to be mutual. I am a typical guy, but I do not get jealous often if at all. I am not possessive and encourage women to go out on their own if they want. Actually, they usually come back rather “in the mood” which works for me. I also believe that some time away from your partner is a good thing. Go dancing, drinking, laughing, flirting or whatever. It is ok. Just go home to your partner when you want to be laid.

But I will say that I am territorial. This means that if a lady promises to be naked only with me then I consider her body my property. If someone “pokes” into my property then I have an issue. My issue would not be with the other person but with my person. And to be totally honest, if my person ever wants to “run around” all they have to do is tell me. The moment they do then they are no longer my property and can do as they please, as can I.

I share this so that you understand where my head is on this issue. I am flexible, but once the promise is made I am going to uphold it no matter what. If I ever want to be with someone else, I will share this information with the person whom I already promised to be faithful. I can’t cheat because someone is potentially going to be hurt. Basically people can do what they want as long as they are honest about it up front.

Comprende?

So knowing all this, I was a bit put off that two married women suggested a sexual encounter with me. Folks, it is not like I misunderstood something either. One woman followed me outside once when I stepped out for a quick dip. She offered to perform oral sex right then and there. The second was dancing with me and whispered in my ear that her husband would be gone Sunday and I should come by for some fun.

Call me crazy if you will, but I did very sternly say no. Let me make this very clear, I DO NOT SOCIALIZE WITH TAKEN WOMEN. Seriously, if you want to knock boots with me then leave your partner the right way and I’d be more than happy to give you pleasure. But until then, go home to your partner!

I guess it gets back to my honesty issues. If you really want to “play the field” then don’t be in a relationship. If you want someone to be yours then don’t give yourself to anyone else. Be honest with yourself first, and then your partner.

I will guess that there are hundreds of guys that if put in the situation I was in they would have acquiesced. And I am told that if you are single then you are not violating any rules if a “taken” person wants to have sex with you behind their partners back. But to me it’s just not right. I don’t want to be a party to a situation like that.

Maybe I am weird, or the only one in the world that feels this way, but it’s my belief.

I have not always been this way. Heck, my first time was with a married woman. And in my prime I used to actually try to nail the chick that was so committed to her man just to prove that I could. And believe it or not, most of the time I did nail them. But looking back on it I feel like a turd.

Sex is just sex. It’s having orgasmic pleasure with someone. And I did live through the 70’s so I am familiar with free love, and I encourage it. My problem is with the promise, and the honesty.

And yes, some forms of relationships do carry a promise even if it is not technically verbalized. These include being married, engaged, living with someone or being in an exclusive relationship. So even if you haven’t technically exchanged the promise, the arrangement in fact carries a promise.

Ok, I’m stepping down off of my soapbox now.

My Journal 143

Well, my world didn’t end. I just don’t know if I was left behind or not. So was this the rapture and NO ONE qualified?

I’ve made a rule not to discuss my personal life. Well at least not here. So Monday’s are going to be tough. But next Monday is Memorial Day. Can you gals do me a solid again? You know the usual patriotic stuff I usually ask of you.

So, I didn’t have to do as much thinking as I thought I would this weekend as everything just sort of fell into place for me. I was thinking about Shakespeare and how he wrote his stories. He literally made a career out of writing about using people’s emotions to set up a web of deceit.

I will say that I was very “let down” with people this weekend. I attended a birthday party for a couple that I used to hang out with back when our kids were young. There were several couples there that I hadn’t seen in about ten to twelve years, and chatting with them to find out how their boys turned out was nice. But this was the first time that they were around me as “single”. And I was propositioned by two MARRIED women. Based on my past, I am very serious about women in relationships and it just bugs me that people can be so quick to have an affair. I very sternly said no in each case. But it really bothered me.

I am going to diligently try to work on one if not both of my stories this week. One deals with a plane crash, sort of like the series “Lost”. Yet having never been in a plane crash I am sort of hung up on the scene where the plane in fact crashes. I have this story burning a hole in me once I get past this, so I will push through . . . . I hope.

The other story simply deals with a man in a bar and all that he observes. It’s simplistic, but it will have a really good message when it’s through. But again, I am stuck at one specific point in the story.

Heck, maybe I’ll just write one of my short sex stories. I don’t think I’ve posted any of those on here yet. Well maybe parts of a few but I leave the “serious” stuff out. I have this phobia that some 12 year old will be reading or something.

Oh well, enjoy your Monday and for those of you who have agreed to see me this week / weekend . . . . I really look forward to it.

My Journal 142

I had two realizations recently. The first has to do with my belief in signs from my god.

Wednesday afternoon and Wednesday night I was furious. (Duh!) Now when I get angry, which doesn’t happen but about once every two or three years, I get away from people. I don’t trust myself when I get angry. But what I will do is complain to my god.

I realize that we are supposed to praise and give thanks. I do that as well. But like I’ve said before, my god and I chat a lot. And I feel that if things aren’t going as well as I hoped that I have a right to complain. This is what I was doing Wednesday night. My complaining started with the crap from Wednesday, but it quickly expanded.

At one point I was even complaining about my inflatable raft sinking on a vacation I once took to Africa (Some of you heard about that trip). You see, I always felt that the raft getting ripped caused this chain of events which led to a miserable vacation. So while I was bitching to my god about all the crap I could think of, I bitched about that too. Why did he make my raft fall apart?

And that was when I began to have my first realization.

I began to wonder if the sinking of the raft was really the beginning of a mess; or was it possibly a means to save my life down the road. Here were my thoughts. When the raft began to sink, I knew it wouldn’t go all the way down. So I tried to find things to make it sink so it wouldn’t float onto a beach at an embarrassing moment. So I used a sidearm to weigh it down.

Up until this moment I always believed that this was a horrendously stupid move on my part, especially the way things turned out. But then I realized that if I hadn’t used the weapon to sink the raft then I would have had it on the beach with me hours later. If I had it with me, and knowing that I was a young, brash, ignorant, and testosterone filled youth that had just run a mile (In less than 7 minutes), I definitely would have used it.

Yup, I would have “popped some caps in their ass”. (Do I sound ghetto?). I know this for a fact. That is exactly what I would have done if I still had my sidearm. I would have believed that I could blast my way out of a mess. But now that I am a bit more mature and wiser it is obvious to me that I wouldn’t have made it very long. There were about 30 guys on that beach, and even though the skinnies don’t aim it is safe to assume one of them would have hit me. And let’s not forget the 50 caliber gun. If I had been hit by that, then they would still be finding pieces of me on that beach today.

So it seems that losing my sidearm, which caused me to be hustled away, may have in fact saved my life. Yes, what I went through was bad. But I have had a lot of great times since so I believe I like the events as they were. Seriously now, stop and imagine for one moment what the world would be like today if I were not around and you never met me. I would have been gone before most of you were born. And there wouldn’t be a single record of any of it to be found. Scary, huh?

At this point I am beginning to be a bit floored with my revelation. But I also begin to expand my thoughts, like the backfire that hit my face. It made me lose vision in one eye and made me make two loud sounds. I always believe that this was the reason that they found me. But the actually found me a mile away and nowhere near the building where the noise came from.

If I had not had to waste the time to make a second noise, and been slowed down by my lack of vision; then I would have been on that beach about 4 minutes sooner. Had I made the beach 4 minutes sooner; then when the skinnies arrived I would have been about 50 yards off of the beach doing a breast stroke. (Not really a breast stroke, I just have this thing about breasts and I wanted to use that word)

You will now have to trust me on this, there is no way the skinnies would have gone into the gulf to “swim me down”. First, most of them can’t swim. Second, I would have had a large head start. Third, what the heck would they have done if they caught up to me in the water? Brought me back?

Nope, what would have happened is the dude on the 50 caliber gun would have fired into the water and I would have become fish food. So the explosion in my face saved my life as well. Now there was something more about the voice I heard later on, but I think that you get my point. And that point is:

SOMETIMES, WHEN THINGS SEEM TO BE AT THEIR WORST, IT MAY BE THAT IT REALLY ISN’T A BAD TIME, BUT A CHANCE TO SAVE YOU FROM SOMETHING EVEN WORSER!

[Is “worser” a word?]

Now back to my comments about that voice. It was my darkest hour and probably the only time I ever wanted to leave this life. And then I heard a voice.

I have heard from a couple of you that you believe that this part of my story is bull shit. That there is no way I could have been talked to by someone that hadn’t been born yet; and be able to actually meet them 30 years later. You have to trust me, it is true.

This voice said to me, “Get up. You must live. I will need you.” So Wednesday night, during my rage fit (Oh, I do pushups when I am pissed. I did about 300 from 9:00 pm until 4:00 am that night. I was really pissed) I was remembering this voice. But then I thought about the odd message.

You all know by now that I have experienced damn near everything in my life. But for the past few years I have craved only one thing. It’s the only thing I have left that I haven’t experienced, and it may be something that I will never experience. I want to be needed by someone. No, not like you have a flat and you need me to fix it. You know what I am talking about.

But this particular want of mine has just come to light recently. So how in the world would I have known way back there in time that I would want to live just because someone would need me? I mean seriously, of all the messages I could have received that one phrase got me going. There is no way I would have known the effect of that message, so how could I have made it up? Yet it was probably the only message I would have heard at that moment.

“I will need you”

I hold out hope for that moment.

Ok, my second revelation is sort of personal. So bear with me.

I got a text message yesterday. I thought about it all day and night (Yup, I haven’t slept a wink since Tuesday night). I didn’t understand this message and I had no means of understanding it without asking. FYI, I hate to ask questions. But in my “groggy” state, I decided to ask at 2:30 am. And believe it or not, I even got a response. But then I got a second response.

The question became immaterial. The second response was the beginning of my second realization.

I am a guy that is curious. When I first meet someone I question them. I want to find out what I want to know and I want to find out if they are honest. So I ask a lot of “designed” questions for a greater purpose. But for the most part, once I get to know someone I never ask a question again. I believe that if someone wants me to know something then they will just tell me what they want me to know. If they tell me nothing, then I assume that they want me to know nothing. And this tells me what type of person that they really are inside.

But the second response made me believe that there are people out there who are not like me (Go figure, right?) So perhaps this person is the type that never tells anyone anything. Perhaps this person waits to see what you ask so they can find out if you care enough to ask something, what you are interested in knowing, and to gain insight into you based on this. It’s sort of the reverse of what I do when I meet someone.

I am the type of person that tells people EVERYTHING, whether they want to hear it or not. That is just me. But some people don’t do this. So does this mean that I should not associate with people that are not like me? Shit, I don’t know anyone quite like me so if all I had were people like me to choose then I would have no friends. (Hey, maybe that is why I have such few friends)

So now I have to decide if I should change. I can’t ask someone else to change for me, that’s not right. And I don’t ask . . . remember. Then, if I choose to change I have to figure out IF I can change.

I have a heavy weekend of pontification ahead of me. But trust me when I tell you that this is probably the most important topic I have had to ponder in years. And this concept is my second revelation.

So have a great weekend. As for me, I am going to get high and debate this particular person and this specific topic in my head with all my personalities all weekend. And I really have no idea how it will all work out. Damn I hate not knowing!

Luv Ya!

My Journal 141

I know . . . I know . . .

I said I was done. Hey I was SUPER pissed off. But I am an Aries, I take a lot and then take some more. I usually remain un-phased. But when I blow it’s big . . . . and it’s short lived.

Anyway, I am writing two stories at once and I am at a roadblock on both of them. I don’t have a pen pal or anything either. So I guess this is my only outlet to put the insanity in my head down on paper. But in keeping with my original decision in principle, I will not discuss my weekly adventures. I’m told they are rather boring anyway. So I will stick to my advice.

No personal chat.

And no, I won’t discuss why I blew a gasket yesterday. Let’s all just be thankful that it happened while I was sitting at a desk and not in a club. I’ve really been arrested too many times now to do that again. And Lovelygirl is the ONLY one of you that has ever seen me in a physical confrontation and she says that I am SCARY.

Stop laughing!

And yes, if you haven’t figured it out yet I am a bit “twitched in the head” as my mom used to say. I’ve had three IQ tests in my life. After the last one, which was about 4 years ago, I was told that I often come off as a bit strange because my mind is working fast but in multiple directions at once. I seem to be able to keep up with my bizarre thought process, but some can’t. So see, it’s not just me. It’s your fault too.

Couple that with a drive that hits 100 mph the second I wake and never slows down all day or night; and I only sleep about two to three hours per day and you can imagine how the neurons are getting kind of wacky in my head. Plus I think I am beginning to develop emotions (Damn the bad luck). I’m not sure how to cope with them yet.

But I will say this; I still only have three followers. And I haven’t had a comment (positive or negative) this year. So here is my challenge for you. I will write my typical nonsense, but you have to give this page address to three friends each. If I get three new followers and three comments between all of your efforts by the end of June I will continue. If not, then I really will stop writing here.

I am serious!

Stop laughing!

Hey, I have more readers overseas than I do in the US. Yes, you can check your stats here. Oh and by the way, the journal about eating spinach has been viewed twice as much as any other journal. So I guess you females are secretly interested in eating spinach, huh?

I guess my big problem today is relationships. In the past my version of a relationship was conducting foreplay. I hardly ever went out with the same lady twice, and the longest relationship I ever had was about a week. Also, I’ve had very few friends due to my trust phobias. So I guess I just suck at relationships.

And furthermore, due to my eights concussion and the previous brain issues I am having (Oops, I haven’t shared that yet have I?), I haven’t had a good fight in a while. I know what you are thinking. Either that I am bragging or that I have that “twitch in the head” again. But seriously, I was diagnosed at a young age with an excess of some darn chemical floating in my brain that makes me overly aggressive. During my sports days and then into my “Other job”, I was able to vent this energy. Now I need some vigorous activity to sedate myself. Hmmm, maybe I should just find me some skanky slut every weekend.

Ok, so I am back . . . for now. Remember that you have until the end of June to help me out here.

Sorry about yesterday. L

THE END

 

My Journal 140

Ok ladies, did you know that HOW you answer a date request is AS important as your official answer?

Yup, we do pay attention to HOW you answer our requests to spend our time and money on you. I know that you truly believe that we are all morons that can’t put together a sentence with a word longer than 5 letters, but we actually are fairly capable at paying attention when we want. We just choose not to pay attention all the time so we can be more attentive when something important comes along.

We are a very complex sex. Nowhere near as complex as you females, but we are complex in our own way. So you can thank your lucky stars that you have me to “clue you in” on the inner workings of the male psyche so you can possibly get more benefits from us. Just remember not to tell our secret, this is a offense worth the death penalty in the World Male Court.

To aid in this confession, I have listed numerous responses and what we interpret from that response.

“Sure”

With this response we usually interpret it to mean that at this moment you basically have nothing better to do so you figure why not. We figure that if something else comes along you will probably cancel on us. You’re not that interested in spending time with us, but you figure it’s better than painting your toenails and watching re-runs of Desperate Housewives.

If we go out on this date it will be a very cheap and meaningless date.

“Where will we go or what will we do?”

This response gives us the thought that we are now NEGOTIATING terms for a potential date. Basically we figure that you are not really interested and probably have something else you could do, but depending on what we have planned you would consider changing your plans. You appear more interested in the event we may plan than the time you will spend with us. So now we have to immediately decide if you are worth our investment based on your hesitance. We know you will only go if we come up with something spectacular, and being spectacular for someone when you don’t even yet know their likes and dislikes is damn near impossible.

If we go out on this date it will be a date to please us with no regard for your possible happiness. We figure if we’re probably going to screw it up anyway, why not do something we enjoy in the process.

“Let me check my calendar”

Seriously? You are telling us that you are so darn busy and your life is so full of appointments that you can’t commit to having someone pamper you and drop a wad of cash on trying to entertain you without checking? This response makes us wish we hadn’t even asked in the first place. We believe that if we can’t be the priority during this exciting “getting to know you” phase, then we will NEVER be the priority once we get to know each other and the “newness” wears off. NO BUENO!!!

You will not get a follow-up call and if you happen to call us we will “miss that call”.

“Do you mind if I bring a friend?”

Ok, this response creates a myriad of confusion. First, we will probably think you are suggesting a threesome. And we are DEFINITELY up for that! But if we don’t clear our thoughts there will probably be a ton of embarrassment when we pick you up and drive straight to the NO TELL MOTEL. Oops!

So let’s assume that we figure out you are not suggesting a wild night of sex swinging from a bedpost, then our thought would be why. If you are too afraid to hang out with me IN PUBLIC yet by yourself, then why would you even consider asking to bring someone along? Are you planning on out numbering me in the event of a crisis? No, more than likely we will figure out that you really want to hang out with your friend, but you are a little short this month. So why not use your charms to get some schmuck to foot the bill for a night out for you and you friend? Pretty tricky there you silly girl; but we will probably see though this.

Unless your friend shows us her tits right now to prove her sincerity to our original thought, the answer will be a definitive no!

“Yes”

This response is simple, short, and doesn’t require a lot of wondering. It appears to not matter what the plan for the date is, they want to be with us regardless. This is a great response and gives us a confidence boost. We will definitely go the extra step to try to make it a bit more special than normal. We will go out of our way to please you.

You have a very good chance of having a really good time.

“I would love to go out with you”

This response is way above and beyond any expectations we could have had. Please remember that even the best looking studs in the world can only boast a 80% acceptance rate. Your normal guy would probably be running somewhere between 45% and 55%. So a response like this pushes you over the top.

Not only will we try VERY hard to make this the most amazing time of your life, we will darn near guarantee it. We might even check with your friends to find out what you like to do, and what you LOVE to do. We will bathe, brush our teeth, wear our best “duds”, bring flowers, and treat you like a QUEEN!

You will be completely overwhelmed with your time with us!

So there you have it. I am sure there are more possible responses (like saying no thanks) but this should give you an idea of how your response affects us.

So . . . . .

Who wants to do something next weekend?