Thursday, December 30, 2010

My Journal 059

Yup, I had a stalker. But I think that is over now. Whew! So I am back.

It’s almost New Years Eve. I will miss this event with you this year, which I will explain later. But for now let us go back to the beginning and start over. I have 4 GREAT friends from many years back. I don’t make many friends; probably because I am a selfish ass with three unbendable rules, too honest, and just hard to cope with. But you have passed the test of time!

The crazy thing is that we all have one thing in common . . . where we worked. Oh, that and I would do ANYTHING for any of you.

My very first and once best friend I met in 1999 (Wow, now I feel old) She has had a LOT of personal problems over the years and we worked through all of it together. We had a “thang” once, but the miles between us sort of made it impossible. She vanished for a while, but we finally reconnected. She had a problem with another of my friends, and we worked it out. So welcome back. And yes, I will write more stories for your personal enjoyment.

YOU STILL OWE ME A DATE WHERE YOU PROMISE TO DRINK TOO MUCH WINE!

At almost the same time I MET #1, I made another friend. She prefers women to men, but she has been a close friend for years now. She claims that I am the only dude that she would “do”; and she promises to beat the crap out of any bitch that messes with me. (Hehe). She is in a bad place now due to her choices, but my heart is with her wherever she goes.

YOU STILL OWE ME AN OUNCE!

This was when I started my club. I once thought about calling it some catchy name, and as I thought about all my friends I decided on the BIG BOOB CLUB. (Oh, that’s another thing you all have in common)

In 2004 I met my new best friend. We talk almost every day. She is my friend, my advocate, my confidant, and my little sister (not biological). She is always there for me and always returns my text messages and calls, even when I have annoyed her. She has a little bit of an attitude from time to time, but I think that she sort of has it in check now. I mean, she hasn’t been kicked out of any banks lately to my knowledge. (Luv ya sis)

YOU STILL OWE ME A MOVIE, A PIC, AND A STORY!

In 2007 I met another lady who became a good friend. Now don’t get upset LL, but we have had some rather tumultuous times. Actually, I think we have been not speaking to each other more than we do speak to each other. She has a habit of acting wild, causing turmoil, and bending the truth quite a bit; and most people don’t trust her. But I’ve seen the other side of her and one thing I do know is that I can trust her to always have my back, no matter what. I also know that she will show up for me because she has done it before. And when I need to speak to someone face to face, she always makes time for me.

YOU STILL OWE ME . . . .

So this is my crew, each of you. I appreciate having you in my life, and I truly love each of you. You help me understand women, try to calm me down when I’m pissed, work at keeping me out of trouble, and most important to me is that you stay with me in spite of my quirks.

This year I added a new friend. I actually added her before I had her completely figured out, and I still don’t know her very well. That was a first for me. I guess we started fast and I thought that was going to continue. Yet it did come to a screeching halt around July. Unfortunately I sort of had a BIG crush on her by then (oops, fixing that as quickly as I can). She is distant, avoiding, and confusing, which are all things that drive me insane. But she is also very bright, has a good soul, can make me smile anytime she wants, and she has this gift that only she and I know about. And she is the only lady I ever considered qualified enough to consider trying a “more than friendly” relationship.

But I am working on that “just a friend” role. Anyway, please welcome her for me.

YOU STILL OWE ME ANOTHER PIC, A NURSE, AND A BIG FAVOR!

Anyway, YOU are my friends as I begin 2011. I won’t be around this New Years Eve because I need some money, I need to resolve something still, and I’m considering taking one of your advices. So I will be leaving tomorrow afternoon for one of my colorful short trips (Yup, back to Mexico). What can I say, it’s a messed up country that needs help, and the money & timing is right. I’m a bit anxious because I have a new crew, so pray for me (I need all the help I can get . . I’m not as good as I once was).

I reminded all of you about the favors you owe me, just in case. Feel free to settle up with me immediately. And when I get back I have decided to share my worst nightmare in my hideous past. It’s the disgusting story about my 10 days of hell, and I’ve never told that story to anyone. So stay tuned AND DON’T JUDGE ME.

Oh, and I have another hot story coming too!!!

Have a great 2011 ladies. We can’t control what will happen in the New Year, but we can control how we react to it.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

* MOVIE NIGHT *



It was the perfect night to just watch a movie. It was very cold outside. There was sleet and small snow flurries as well. It was definitely not a night to be out running around. And the thought of “snuggling” down on a couch just eating pizza and popcorn while watching movies sounded like the perfect alternative.

He had driven over 200 miles for this night. Fortunately, the weather had turned bad after he had checked into his hotel, so his trip hadn’t been bad. He picked a hotel close to her place. But the trip over to her place, which should have just taken 15 minutes, took over an hour with the cold weather. A few times he almost turned around.

She was his best friend, so he knew that she would understand if the weather stopped him. I mean it was just two friends watching movies. But as he pondered turning back, he actually felt some excitement about spending time with her. They talk a lot, but they had never spent time together. He really liked her and he thought that it would be good to have someone to do things with occasionally.

But then that would be almost like a date. At first that thought worried him. He didn’t want to lose his friend due to a bad date. But then again, dating was not a bad thing. He then realized that technically he was about to be on a date with her. Yes, it was just a movie night. But it was a date. It had all the proper elements. This is what suddenly excited him. He liked the thought of being on a date with her, even if to her it was just two friends watching a movie.

He arrived at her door, wearing work boots, faded jeans, an old sweatshirt, a denim jacket and a ball cap. It was his typical weekend attire. As she opened the door smiling, she had on sweat pants, a sweater, and footie socks with no shoes. Her attire showed him that she felt comfortable around him. She could have shown up all dressed up or better yet in a nightee and stiletto heels. But she was comfortable just being herself with him and that was good.

Yet even though he knew she had dressed not trying to impress, she did. She had long blonde hair which she pulled back. Her sweater was just tight enough to hint at the size of her breasts, but not enough to display them. Her sweatpants illuminated the curves of her butt and legs. And the footie’s were just hot to him. She was hot even though she wasn’t trying.

They hugged at the door, and he begged to come inside out of the weather. Since she wasn’t wearing shoes, he removed his without asking and left them near the door. She took the pizza from him and placed it on a coffee table in the middle of the room in front of a TV. Then she exited the room. He wanted to sit down, but he wasn’t sure where. She had a couch facing the TV and a love seat at an angle to the couch. He wondered if she wanted him to sit on the same couch with her.

He decided to take the best seat. He was a guest, invited by her, and they were friends. She would correct him if he took the wrong seat. So he sat down right in the middle of the couch. If she didn’t correct him, she would have to sit right next to him on either side; or sit on the other sofa. This would tell him volumes about where she is right now.

There was a fireplace behind him, and she had built a small fire. There were two lamps lit, one on each side of the couch. In the dim lights the shadows from the fire were dancing across the opposite wall. There were paper plates and napkins on the table already. And two movie cases were on the table.

She returned from what he assumed was the kitchen, and she had two large tumblers in her hands.

“I was responsible for supplying the soda” she began, “But I know that you like a little something with your soda so I stopped this afternoon and picked up some liquor. I hope that you like it”

She handed him his drink, and he dutifully tasted it. Wow, it was strong. There was way too much alcohol and not enough soda. But he wouldn’t tell her that. He just smiled at her, thanked her, and resigned himself to finishing his drink. Anyway, this would definitely relax him.

She grabbed a plate and tossed a slice of pizza on it. He also grabbed a plate and snuck a few slices onto it. She sat down right next to him. She sat on one leg and left the other dangling. She was sitting at an angle, partially facing the TV and partially facing him.

She looked at him as she tasted her slice. “Make yourself comfortable; Put your feet up if you want. It’s ok”. He took her advice and placed his sock covered feet on the coffee table as he laid his plate on his lap. He had placed his tumbler on the coffee table. She grabbed a remote and pushed buttons until the TV started and a movie began.

Then to his surprise, she pulled a large afghan off of the back of the couch, instructed him to lift his plate, and covered both of their laps and legs with the blanket. Even though the room was comfortable already, he accepted the afghan across him as he snuggled down into a comfortable position.

The movie was one of his favorites, and one of hers too. He was content.

About an hour into the movie, he was on his second drink. She had made his second drink also, and just as strong. So he was well on his way to being relaxed. The food was gone a while ago. Since he was basically under a blanket he had unbuttoned the top button on his jeans under the blanket and had slid his hands inside of his jeans to warm them. Unfortunately she noticed, and started playfully chiding him about being too comfortable. In retaliation he turned to a past promise she had accidentally made once before.

Several months ago, as a joke, he had asked for help with a “hand job” when his hands were broken. He felt comfortable joking with her about things like that. Of course she walked into a buzz saw and he took her response as promising to assist him someday. He knew it was just a joke, but he enjoyed making her uncomfortable at times. She had obviously forgotten about that discussion, so he commandingly reminded her.

She was a lady, and she blew off the discussion politely. But he was a scoundrel and throughout the second movie he kept “warting” her about her supposed promise. By now he was on his third strong drink, and she had switched to wine. They were now sitting right next to each other and she had even propped her legs up on his. They were very comfortable together. The previous discussion continued, which was humorous to him as he watched her squirm through polite excuse after excuse.

Finally, she had heard enough. To his shock, she flipped her legs back onto the floor and turned facing him while hesitantly gasping, “FINE! Whatever will shut you up!”

Without a hint of hesitation, she pushed her hand under the blanket and slid his jeans slightly down. He figured this was her final attempt at making a point by making him believe that she would actually do this for him. He waited for her to flinch so he could pounce on her with more comments. But she didn’t stop at JUST moving his jeans down.

She firmly grabbed him. He wasn’t prepared, either for the coldness of her hands or the thought that she would proceed. But in spite of the chill from her hand he was immediately aroused. She was to his right, and began stroking him with her right hand while placing her left arm on the back of the couch behind him and still watching the movie.

He had no idea what to do but sit still and enjoy his gift. But his mind was racing. Her hand warmed quickly and he felt the softness of her skin as she meticulously slid her hand up and down, stopping occasionally to squeeze the head. But she wasn’t looking at him; she was still watching the movie. He wasn’t able to focus on the movie though. He was watching her, trying to figure out if this was simply a promise or a chore she felt obligated to do; or something she secretly had been considering. He wondered if this was truly just to shut him up, or if she was getting some pleasure also. She wasn’t chatting like she had been throughout the movie, which made him believe that she wasn’t really focused on the movie.

He quickly debated whether he should move towards her. If she truly was just doing a chore then reaching out to her may be the wrong thing to do, and might end his pleasure. She started stroking him faster. Before he even knew what he was doing, and in spite of his internal debate, he reached out, took her face in his hand, and turned her head towards him.

She looked at him like a woman in complete control of her situation. She smiled and asked, “Are you enjoying my help?” With that question her pace quickened more.

He gently pulled her head towards his. A look of surprise came across her face. Maybe he had read this wrong after all. He hesitated. But in spite of her look, and how he interpreted that look, she continued towards him without his assistance. They kissed, softly and quickly. He looked at her face, and she looked at him. He placed his other hand on her face, and she moved her hand from the back of the couch to rest behind his neck. She was still stroking him, but now it was slow and more meaningful.

He kissed her again. The kiss was long, slow and tender. This wasn’t two friends exploring a different relationship. This was a kiss between two people both with built up emotions. She moaned slightly as she pulled him closer to her. He slipped his tongue in her mouth and she did the same in return. She tilted her head to increase the depth of this kiss. He couldn’t resist. He slipped one hand down and brushed against her breast. She had on a thick sweater and a bra, but with his brush he could still feel that she was aroused as well.

Their kiss ended slowly as she sat up to look at him again. It was like she was trying to read his face while he was trying to read hers. She glanced down. Apparently during their kiss the blanket had slid to the floor. She looked as her hand was still stroking him, yet now he was in full view. She looked back at him for a moment and smiled. Then she folded her legs underneath her placing herself on her knees on the couch. Then, without hesitation, she focused on her work and lowered herself down taking him in her mouth.

He felt her lips wrap around him as she continued to slowly stroke him. He was incredibly aroused with the warm, moist sensation. He was emotionally caught between the erotic arousal of being inside of her mouth, and the surprise that this was his best friend happily servicing him beyond his wildest dreams. He slipped a hand under her sweater, unhooking her bra. He left his hand with the warmth of her back and massaged her. He reluctantly placed the other hand on the back of her head, offering subtle assistance with each down stroke.

As he rubbed her back, he desperately wanted to reach around and grasp her heavenly 36-C’s. But he couldn’t maneuver to them. Her pace quickened as did the pressure of her lips on him. He began to feel her tongue on him also. He rubbed her back as he felt immense pleasure, dropping his head back and unconsciously closing his eyes in ecstasy.

It felt so good he was quickly reaching the point of no return. He had both his hands pressing on her head now, as she moaned indicating she was enjoying herself as well. He began to squirm on the couch and started moving his hips to the rhythm of her head.

Just as he thought he couldn’t hold back any longer, she stopped, sat up with a look of content on her face, stood up next to the couch and slipped her sweater and bra off right in front of him. Her breasts were amazing, more than he had ever imagined; and her nipples were hard. He had never imagined actually seeing his friend standing in front of him, displaying her naked beauty, and looking at him as if he was someone special.

She was staring right at him. He was sitting still, afraid to move a muscle. He was still wondering what she was thinking. He was secretly hoping that this was her deep feelings finally coming out, and not that she just was horny as he was the closest male. She pulled the string in her sweat pants, and in one motion swung her leg over his lap as her pants fell to the floor. She had worn nothing underneath.

She sat down on his lap facing him as she slid herself forward and over him. As she slid back, he easily slid inside of her. He couldn’t believe the feeling of being inside of her. His erection grew more as he relished what was going on. She let out a loud gasp and ran her hands through her hair as she leaned back while moving up and down on him. He reached out and took her magnificent breasts in both hands. He leaned forward to take her breast in his mouth, but she stopped him.

“I want to watch your face as we do this together”, she whispered. With that said, she started riding back and forth on him. He was still so close, but he was fighting the urge to give in hoping to give her the wish she suggested, simultaneous climax.

He placed his hands on her hips as he began to move with her strokes. She placed her hands on his shoulders, leaning in towards him. Her nipples were inches from his face, and he wanted to grab them, suck on them, bite them, and massage them. But she was in complete control. This was not the friend he had known before. She was aggressive and demanding.

Her motion quickened as her eyes closed and she softly bit her lip with passion. Her moans became louder and more frequent. He was moaning uncontrollably as his passion grew wildly. She was becoming wilder in her thrusts, and he felt her deeply. She began to almost scream as she was bouncing uncontrollably on him. He was about to burst also.

He moaned one last loud moan as he exploded inside of her. She screamed and dug her fingernails into his should as she went flush and slammed herself down on him one last time. Their orgasm lasted for eternity.

She finally fell forward, exhausted, and dropping her head on his shoulder. He kissed her neck as she was breathing heavily. He was in heaven.

Then, once again she jumped up and slid off of him and onto the couch beside him. She reached down, grabbing the blanket and the remote. She wrapped the blanket around her naked body, and across his lap. She looked at him and smiled again, confident and satisfied. She laid her head on his chest as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She aimed the remote at the TV and said, “Mind if I back it up just a little, I love this part”.

They watched the remainder of the movie under the blanket, wrapped in each others arms.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

My Christmas Gift

As Christmas day comes with excitement and frill
And visions of snow covered peaks
Let’s try not to forget the true reason we share
It’s the birth of our savior that we seek.

He lifted our sins, and blesses one and all
The good and the bad all alike
He opened our hearts and showed us that love
Is greater than evil has might.

So as we share all those gifts on that one blessed day
With those whose love we have stored
That we are sharing the joy of an immaculate gift
Given to each of us by our lord

As for me on this day, I know what it means
As forgiveness was necessary for me
So I share my few words with the one’s that I love
As I pray for your health and your glee.

And this one humble man needs no gifts under his tree
Cuz I’ve got the greatest gift of which you could part
The presents you gave of your own beautiful soul
Was to hold your sweet smiles in my heart.

Merry Christmas to my true friends.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Survey Time!!

1. Which one of these questions is more inappropriate to ask a woman you're dating: "How much do you weigh?" or "How much money do you make?"

2. In a crowded room, how would YOU give someone a sign that you're interested in them?

3. Have you ever been "whipped"? And no, I don't mean beaten...I mean like Baby Face :-)

4. How do YOU know when you're in love with someone?

5. Is your relationship "movie" an: action flick, a chick flick/romantic comedy, a tear-jerker, a suspense thriller, a horror film or a true romance?

6. If you could give your last sexual partner a rating from 1-10, what would it be?

7. In your opinion, does single only mean "not married" or "not in a committed relationship"? At what point in a relationship are you "not single" anymore?

8. Would you rather be considered sexy or beautiful/handsome? You can only choose one.

9. Would you, or have you ever sent a lover a naked pic via text or email? (tell the truth)

10. Is there a certain "name" that you think is sexy?

Monday, December 6, 2010

Do you remember me?

To The Woman of My Dreams:

Hi. Remember me? I met you as a child in my dreams.

Do you remember me?

You came to me walking out of a house. A light was behind you so I couldn’t see your face. The light sprayed all around you. You looked angelic. Your beauty showed through the light, even though I couldn’t see it. But I will never forget your silhouette. I knew all about you at that moment. I knew your personality, your likes, your loves, and your fears. I felt that you knew me too. But you left before we could talk. I knew that you were the one for me.

But I wasn’t the man you wanted yet. I was young, wild and crazy. I didn’t know of love. I just knew of lust. I lived for satisfaction. You made me wait.

Do you remember me?

You came to me again at 19 years of age. I was evil. I was in trouble. I was in pain. I was tired. I had given up. I wanted to die for the first and only time in my life. Again, I couldn’t see you. But I heard your voice. You told me to get up. You told me to fight to live. You told me you would need me someday, and I had to live for you.

I still wasn’t the man for you. I was confused. I had given up on god, happiness and life. I still hadn’t found love. You save my life, but you made me wait again.

Do you remember me?

You came to me again about a year ago. You used a beautiful woman’s body this time. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. You used her voice to speak to me. It was the same voice I had heard before. I knew that this had to be you. I could tell you knew of my sins, my pain, my sorrow, and all my confusion. I knew you were smart enough to figure me out, and strong enough to deal with me. You brought me back again, and on this occasion I knew that I loved you. I opened up.

But I confused the person that you used for being you. It was my fault, and now I feel the pain. I felt that I was ready for you this time. But you made me wait again.

Do you remember me?

I am ready now. I have been waiting for you my entire life. Please come back to me.

I know looks are important to you. I do not possess the looks I once had, but I can still turn an eye or two. Woman still find me attractive. I know my personality can draw people to me. But this doesn’t mean I want them. I just do it for simple pleasure. I promise you that when you give your heart to me I will cherish it for eternity. You will be my entire world. I will treat you like a queen and never give you reason to wonder about my devotion.

Are you ready for me?

You taught me about love. It is in me just waiting for you. No one else will ever be able to bring it out of me. My love is deep and true, but it is reserved for you. You will never be disappointed in me. I have learned that believing in love means that I am opening myself up to pain and sorrow. Maybe that is why I’ve had a painful life; so that I can endure the sorrow of waiting for you to come to me. I am ready to wait for a lifetime . . . for you.

Are you ready for me?

I have become the man you desire. I am stable, I am kind, I am caring and I am loving. I can hold you when you are sad, protect you when you are afraid, love you when you want me, and satisfy your ever fantasy. I can make you feel happiness, desire, passion, comfort, excitement and love. I know you, and I am the man you want.

Are you thinking about me?

I am distant and confusing, but you will understand. I will disappear into my cave every once in a while. No one has ever wanted to come in after me. I’ve never wanted anyone to come in after me. But I pray that you will be the first. You are courageous, aggressive, and a trailblazer. You will come into my cave. You will see my fears, and you will share my nightmares. You will choose to face them with me, as a couple. I know that with me at your side you will be stronger. You will hold my hand and we will face the demons together. We will make each other stronger and better. I will have my partner, my dreams, and my lover. You will find your lover, your friend, and your confidant.

Are you thinking about me?

I know you are beautiful, sexy, alluring and popular with men. I know that men will be drawn to you, and that you will be attracted to them. I am not jealous or judgmental, so I will not be angered with this. I will enjoy knowing that you are so desirable that every man wants you, and be comfortable knowing that you will be in my bed that night.

I have more than my share of drama in my life. I don’t accept drama anymore. Every day will be fun, upbeat and exciting. Your every wish and dream will come true. All the places you want to see, all the things you want to do, all the feelings you yearn to feel; I am the one that can show them to you.

Are you looking for me?

I am here. I am waiting. But I have one fault. I have been misled by people, and I have been hurt. I am cautious today, and I am distant again. But I don’t want you just to walk by and not see me. I am direct, I am confident, and I am sure. But you have to tell me. You have to let me know. You will have to reach out to me. You will never regret it.

Do you know who I am?

I AM LOOKING FOR YOU!

Hear my words. Hear my voice. I believe in you. Please believe in me.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Confucius Says:

It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I am a Man

I am a Man

I am a man and I won’t apologize
I am who I am, I am what I am.

I can’t blame my parents for raising me as they did.
They wanted me to be confident.
They pushed me to believe I was better than others.
Because you need to believe that to succeed.

I can’t blame my coaches for showing me what they did.
They wanted me to be a winner.
They pushed me to fight and never give up.
Especially when the prize is so important.

I can’t blame my professors for teaching me what they did.
They wanted me to be able to think.
Not to accept any simple thought, but to push my mind out.
To think of things that others can’t imagine.

I can’t blame the government for what they did.
They wanted me to be powerful and aggressive.
To be able to fight for what is right, and what is true.
To never cower down or be anyone’s pawn.

I can’t blame God for what he did.
He talks to me daily, he shows me the way.
He knows I’m not perfect, and maybe not good.
But he knows that inside is a lot of love to give.

And I can’t blame you for what you did.
You are a woman, innocent and pure
You’re set in your ways and you know what you want.
I can’t blame you for trying to change me.

So this is me, in all my sin and goodness.
I can be what someone wants and I can be a nightmare.
But I do know this, with my feelings for you.
I can be everything or nothing, whatever you chose.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Linkyn Park - What I've Done

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I'll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
Well I cleaned this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done

I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

My Journal 058

“Sometimes you just have to say WHAT THE FUCK!”

I think that this line is uttered by a very young Tom Cruise in a movie called ‘Risky Business’ a decade or two ago. But it still rings true. Sometimes you just have to do it.

I mean life is a bitch sometimes. It will beat you down to the ground. You try to keep integrity, honor, and a good sense of humor because that is what is expected. You can’t be a jerk, or a letch, or a bastard as it is “bad”. But why?

If you demand something then you are pushy. If you force something then you are a jerk. If you don’t give up then you are crazy.

Why not just say, “What the fuck” and do whatever you want. Ok, there are laws that dictate what you can and can’t do. But so what? You do the crime and you do the time. It’s a cost of doing business. People steal millions and then get caught. They pay back about half, spend a few years detained, and walk out rich. That’s our system.

So why not follow that in life? Why not do what you want when no one is looking? Oh, there is a moral code. But who really follows that when no one is paying attention. You have to face you maker someday, right? You will have to explain all the crap you did when you were alone, and all the lies you told, and all the people you cheated, and all the people that you used. Really??? Is that a deterrent?

Here’s another line from an old movie with Tom Berringer (No, I’m not nostalgic. I spent the weekend doing nothing but watching football and old movies.) It was the sequel to Sniper, and Berringer was in Afghanistan. A man asked him if he trusted the guy who is supposed to be helping them get out. Berringer then replied, “I’ve never trusted anyone, that’s why I am still here.”

So, what the fuck?

I spent over 40 years never trusting anyone, keeping my thoughts to myself, and avoiding contact unless I desired it. For 40 years I did great! I was the deep and dark person. I was invisible to most people. I was aggressive and forceful, but since no one knew me it was always a sneak attack.

I was the over achiever. I was the one people counted on in a pinch. I was the one who was the star. Was it only because no one knew me? If I was like everyone else, would I have still been that guy? Today I doubt it.

I decided to put some of my thoughts into words. I decide to select a few individuals and actually tell them the truth. I figured that this would humanize me, and make me a better person. Then I chose to put them out for the world to see.

Hmmmm?

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe people use my thoughts against me. Maybe they think that they have me figured out so now they can use what they know to improve themselves. Maybe sharing your thoughts and feelings are truly a weakness that others can prey on.

So today I say, WHAT THE FUCK!

Good bye.

Monday, November 22, 2010

My Journal 057

First, I just found my newest “worst” torture. Lying in bed with your leg inclined for 56 hours and doing nothing. Well, I did go get the oil changed in my car (about 30 minutes) and I had to piss a few times. But other than that, I did nothing. I did receive numerous text messages from a good friend keeping my spirits up though, and that helped.

Thank you, I needed that.

Second, I learned that there is apparently a way to send an email from this page to the account I set up for this page. I did receive one this weekend and I did ask if I could share it. Even though this person has no idea what my past was, I was told that maybe my past has led me to want the things I desire today. This is very possible. Perhaps never trusting anyone and never letting people too close has made me want to trust and be close. Also, I was posed these questions, which I found to be very thought provoking.

What happens if I don’t find that special person?

How long do I keep trying?

Do I eventually settle for 2nd best or do I just do without?

If I settle for 2nd best, am I still searching for the one?

Would that keep me from totally committing to the one I am with?

I jokingly replied that I was looking for answers, and not more questions. Ok, enough of that. AND thank you for the response.

Third, my old man is pretty pissed at my boss for screwing up his holiday / birthday plans. My brother is not too happy either. Now some of you believe that pissing me off would be a really bad thing. I would agree. When I am angered I move directly and swiftly. But these two guys are FAR WORSE than me. They will torture you for days or weeks. Not only that, they would burn your house down and shoot your dog.

So as of today, I am having a sandwich this Thanksgiving and watching some football . . . alone. I will show up Friday as ordered. As soon as my sentence is complete, I will drive towards SA. Whoopee, right? I will miss the Thanksgiving meal and the party, but I will show up. Saturday night I will make my way back to Houston so I can attend the BIG GAME between the Texans and the Titans. Like that means shit anymore.

Urgh!

For the record, even though my football career was cut short due to an injury, and even though I can barely walk today from my fall, I COULD HAVE COVERED THAT GUY FOR 10 YARDS AND 10 SECONDS!!!! Geez!!!!

Friday, November 19, 2010

My Journal 056

I am in the middle of evaluating new opportunities. I am bored and frustrated with what I do to earn a buck today. So I need to vent a bit, and as usual advice is appreciated.

I am a horrible employee. I know more than most people and I am direct and demanding. So if my boss is an idiot or is making bad decisions I tend to be fairly vocal, and often times rude. I hate rules (other than my own) and I hate being told what to do. Now, in a perfect situation I could be a good employee. But not too many of those situations exist.

One that may possibly qualify has been presented. But there are some personal challenges that make it complicated. So it is definitely a second option. At least the money is closer to where it should be. But this opportunity will be discussed on another date.

The opportunity I want to discuss is one that I don’t know that I want, and don’t know if I am capable of performing.

A few of you may already know this, but I will share for those who don’t. Many years ago I had an interesting job. Please note that I didn’t use the word career. I never had any intention of making that job a career. I actually hated many parts of that job. But as sickening as it may sound, I thrived on being really great at something; even if it was disgusting.

Additionally, my contact to that past was my friend Frank. And he is no longer with us. I felt that one good thing to come from his demise was that this particular part of my life would now vanish. But Frank has “associates” and I knew some of them, just not real well. One of these associates, who I did meet once, has sort of taken over Frank’s business. He has been in contact with me.

The up side to this arrangement is that I will be my own boss. I can pick and chose the jobs that I want. The pay is really amazing also. And the actual time spent “working” is very small. It’s like you have to work once about every 4 -5 weeks, and the rest is down time. Now the down time is sort of a mis-use of words. In the down time there is a lot that I should be doing, like keeping in shape, etc.

And even though I am not “In love” with this job, it was mentioned to me that perhaps this was what I was built to be. I actually hate the thought of that. I mean why couldn’t I have been built to be a doctor or a model instead?

The down side is I have to become distant to the people I care about, like you. I have to limit what we talk about, and you will never know where I am or what I am doing. I will have to lie to you and everyone else a lot, and with my trust issues that would be a BIG problem. You see, if I lie to you then I assume you are lying to me. Then I get angry, do shit I shouldn’t do, and lose a friend.

But the worst part of it is that if I get injured (like last weekend) or worse, you may never know. You will just think that I am pissed at you or avoiding you. And what if I find someone special? What if this person was looking for me too? What do I do then?

Additionally, when I was great at this particular job I was about 20 years old. Back then, no matter the situation, I KNEW that I was at a minimum dead equal to my opponent; no matter who he was. Usually I had quite an advantage. Most people are trained to defend themselves. I never had that training, which is why I suck at fighting. All I knew how to do is inflict pain. The problem is that I am not 20 anymore. So what if I am now just a big goof?

I know! Most of the stuff I discuss makes me sound like “Captain Bizarro”. But this is how my mind works.

My gut reaction is that I will not take this opportunity. I have two reasons for this thought.

First, I sort of enjoy having friends like you. I really haven’t had a lot of close friends in my life. I have a lot of people that like me, and I do things with them. But I am VERY good at keeping my thoughts and feelings hidden. So people never are allowed to get to close to me. When I finally find someone that for whatever the reason I trust them; then I tend to initiate a flood of information. This tends to overwhelm many people and drives them away.

So I cherish those that know me and choose to stay. I don’t want to lose that.

Second, my goals have changed a lot in the past few years. I want to be someone that a special person trusts, depends on, and needs. I don’t want them to need me because I beat someone up. I want to be needed for my kindness and giving ways. That doesn’t mean that if a bad situation appears I won’t jump into it with both feet. I am very protective and I will protect this person from anyone or anything.

I know it sounds goofy, but I want moon lit walks on the beach with an amazing woman. I want to come home every day to someone I cherish, and that cherishes me too. I want someone that makes every guy lusts after her, but who always leaves with me. I want candle light dinners, Christmas kisses, Sunday morning sex, I want it all.

So I can’t see how becoming distant, rude and a liar would get me to here I want to be?

Anyway, this is just one option. So please forget that I am technically insane and give me your honest thoughts.

I love ya’ll. Have a great weekend.

My Journal 055

So, today I was going to discuss the other “What is inside” topic. But as I was beginning I pictured each of you walking around in a very sheer bra and . . . . well . . . . I had to stop writing about it. Sorry?!?!

But man-o-man was that going to be an EXCITING topic.

Instead, I decided to tell you a story about another one of my life experiences. I don’t know how some of these old stories just pop up in my head from time to time. But this one I do have an answer.

Yesterday a friend was telling me that they have been sick for over a week now. My first thought was to ask if they had been to the clinic. This person lives in a college town that has a college clinic, basically free for students. As luck would have it, this town is the same town where I went to college. Once I realized where they were living, I prayed that they had not been to the campus clinic. And here is why . . .

There is a waterfall in this town. Back in my day, the waterfall was off a small road near campus. Today there is restaurant over the falls, but back then it was fairly secluded. And it was a place where my buddies and I would hang out on Saturday’s.

On the particular Saturday in this discussion, there were 4 of us that decided to visit the falls. Two of us were males and the other two were super hot females. Now don’t judge me, but it just so happened that early that morning the four of us were together in my room (Relax, me and one chick were in my bed and my buddy had the other chick in his) and we decided to continue the fun of the previous night into this Saturday.

Before heading out on our adventure, we did a little bit of illegal drugs (Shhh). Oh and we had sex again. Of course then we were starving so we hit Pic-A-Taco. Unfortunately, Pic-A-Taco served beer so we ended up staying there for quite a while. And yes, that darn smoking hot and very aggressive chick force me to have sex again in the parking lot of Pic-A-Taco (Thank goodness I had a BIG truck with a bench seat).

Now you are probably thinking, “What the heck does an illness and a clinic have to do with my sex life?” Well, you just going to have to trust me that everything I am sharing will in fact play into the interesting part of the story. Seriously!!!

We finally leave Pic-A-Taco and hit the Beer Barn for more refreshments. We also do a little more illegal drugs while driving around town. We finally make it to the falls around 3:00 in the afternoon. At this point we had been screwing, drinking and smoking for hours; so we were in a rather festive mood. We swam some, we walked to the top of the falls and jumped off into the river, we had more sex, and we drank more.

Eventually it was suggested that we didn’t need swimsuits. So we went skinny dipping and skinny diving. But we continued to consume our favorite beverages.

Now, we finally get to the interesting part.

There was a large rock in the river below the falls. Everyone knew about it, and you could even see it from the top of the falls. Everyone knew to just jump somewhere else, and not on the rock. But my buddy, who had way too much to drink at this point, made a bad jump.

I was making out with the hot chick in the river when he jumped. His chick was on top of the falls watching. We were all naked. The rocks was a few feet underwater, so from my vantage point I couldn’t see it. I saw him hit the water, and then returned to my hot chick. A matter of seconds later I heard the chick on top of the falls scream. Oh crap!

I looked up at her, and then down at the river near the bank. My buddy was floating face down near the bank. The chick up top was screaming that he had passed out and to roll him over before he drowns. Of course I believed her, so I started the swim to where he was floating. But somewhere along the way I guess a few of my brain cells kicked into gear. I put together the fact that he had jumped, that there was a rock near his landing zone, and he was floating motionless. So I began to assume that perhaps he had hit the rock.

When I got to him the water was shallow enough for me to stand. So I grabbed him by his head and shoulder, submerged him (Causing a weightless environment) and slowly rolled him over. He was awake, but not incoherent. He had a gash on his forehead. At this point I was convinced that he had a neck injury. I called for both chicks to come and help.

The three of us carefully floated him near the muddy bank, supporting him as best that we could. The I told the chicks to support him while I went for my truck. Being a good country boy, the bed of my truck had a lot of crap in it. One of these was a burlap tarp. I returned to the chicks as we wrapped the tarp under my buddy for better support.

I then returned to my truck, lowered the tailgate, and literally backed my truck into the river. I submerged the bed about half the way up to the cab and set the parking brake. I returned to my buddy and the three of us floated him into the bed of my truck.

Now was the tricky part. My front tires are deep in mud and my rear tires are in the river. I had to drive this big truck out of the river, with mud as my only traction, and as carefully as possible to protect my buddy’s neck. Fortunately, my big, old Chevy 4-wheel drive truck pulled right out. (Never own a Dodge)

The chicks remained in the back with my buddy, who by now had admitted having no feeling below his neck. Now remember that we were naked when this event occurred. No one bothered to think about retrieving our clothing before we left. We had left a few items strewn around the cab though. So I had a pair of cutoffs, one girl found her bra and panties, but the other chick only had my buddy’s gym shorts. She held an oily and wet towel over her breasts as we raced down the road, in a truck covered with mud, towards the campus clinic.

We arrive at the clinic and the chick in her bra and panties races in to get a doctor. My thought was that once the doctor was convinced of the seriousness of this injury he could call Austin for an ambulance or a helicopter. I felt that time was of the essence, so I was prepared to argue for the helicopter rescue.

But get this!!! The doctor comes out of the clinic screaming at the chick for being half naked and drunk. I see this and scream at the doctor that we had a guy with a possible broken neck and we need assistance. He then addresses the other chick whose oily rag blew away while she was tending to my buddy. He begins to lecture her on STD’s and birth control.

Again, I try to stop him by explaining the situation. He calls us a bunch of stoned punks and tells me to bring the guy inside. I refuse and suggest that he contact emergency services to get him to Austin ASAP. He flat out refuses! He says that he won’t treat a bunch of sex-crazed and drunk “stonies”.

This argument continues for about 5 minutes. He doesn’t budge. Finally out of desperation I tell the chicks to climb in and we will drive him to a hospital in Austin ourselves. So now I am zipping down the freeway; drunk, stoned, half naked and pissed. I’ve got one girl in the back in bra and panties only and another one topless. Mud is still flying everywhere and I realize that I don’t have enough gas to make it to Austin.

Yes, three half naked college kids had to stop at Texaco for gas in route to a Hospital in Austin. My wallet was at the river so I had a couple of dollars in coins in my console. While I was pumping gas, the topless chick ran inside to pay. What a freakin’ nightmare.

We did make it to the hospital, and we were treated with the respect deserving of what we had been through. I was told that by floating him in the river and into my truck I may have saved him the use of his arms. I was also told that when they got to him, he only had about 10 minutes of life left in him. I told the doctors about our experience in the college town. I was told that they would “look into it”, but I don’t think anything ever came of it.

My buddy had broken his neck, and when I last saw him he had use of his arms but not his legs. Perhaps if the dick-less doctor at the clinic had done his job then my buddy would be dancing with us tonight.

I don’t think that I ever saw the hot chicks again.

So, my sweet, sexy friend . . . . DO NOT GO TO THE CAMPUS CLINIC!!!!

I've got my own thermometer . . . . say ahhhhh!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

My Journal 054

I promised information this afternoon, so I am posting early. Just pretend that it is Friday!

Happy Friday!

Ok, first my weekly shout outs!

Bananarama – Did “What the hell!” mean “What the hell, ok” or “What the hell, no”? J

Sunshine – Get well baby!

Suze – Hey, I remember you!!! Wassup?

Lil Devil – Yes, I am out of the hospital and thank you.

Now, back to me. My holiday break has taken a turn for the worst. My partner / boss approved my day off for the Friday after Thanksgiving. I take very few days off, and I actually lost about three weeks of vacation due to employee turnover this year alone (not to mention all the weeks I’ve lost in past years). I was planning on being in San Antonio / New Braunfels for three glorious days. My folks have my brother and sister over for Thanksgiving, and it’s the only time we ever get to be together as a family.

Also, my dad turned 80 a few days ago. My mom is throwing a BIG birthday party for him, and since she knew I would be there for the holiday weekend (since it had been approved) she moved the party to the Friday after Thanksgiving. All was good.

Until . . . .

This guy sends me an email saying he has given everyone Friday off and expects me to be here on that Friday to cover for everyone. Huh? So I reply and remind him that I already had that day off (like that did any good). So tomorrow I have to call my dad and say, “Oops, sorry but my day off was forgotten or cancelled or something; I really don’t know. But I have to miss the entire weekend due this nonsense.”

I could leave here Thursday morning as planned and drive to SA. But I would have to return Thanksgiving evening. My folks planned the BIG Thanksgiving meal for 6:00 pm. So I guess I would have to miss dessert and rush back here. Then I would miss the party on Friday.

Or I could eat a ham sandwich here alone for Thanksgiving, work Friday, and then drive to SA Saturday morning. But then again, I would have to leave Saturday night and I would have already missed the party. Gee, I sure hope my dad lives to be 90 so we can try this again.

But more than likely, my butt will be parked here all weekend. It amazes me that I got this day approved in February and made plans accordingly. Everyone in my family adjusted their schedules to accommodate me. Yet a week before my day off I find out that following procedure doesn’t mean crap around here.

I don’t get it, and my quest for an explanation has fallen on deaf ears.

How about a short story? Since this is a public forum I will keep it clean. Bear with me as this is not a dream or fantasy, I am making this up as I go.

~

He sat quietly on his deck, watching the sunset on a beautiful fall evening. He had his favorite drink in his hand and his feet propped up as he admired the results of his life’s efforts. He had accomplished a lot.

But he had found himself at a cross-road in his journey. He had never been one to choose the well worn path, like many others had before him. He had always preferred being off the beaten path, being a trail blazer and creating his own course without regard to popular routes. Also he enjoyed the solitude of creating his own trail in the woods.

He had found that even if you’re not on the path you will occasionally arrive at the proverbial “fork in the road”. Once again this is where he found himself, at least in his mind. In the overall scheme of life, this choice was a little one. It wasn’t a life and death choice, or a wealth or poverty choice. This was merely a personal preference choice.

But to him, right here and now, it was a monumental choice.

He knew what each path could bring him, and he knew what he would be giving up with each path not taken. It was all very clear, he just had to choose. There was no turning back once he chose.

He had to choose between pleasure, happiness, and devotion.

One path led to a chance at pleasure. It was as certain as it could be, but it would be emotionless. But by choosing this path he would be giving up a chance for real happiness and devotion. The pleasure would be amazing and all about him. It has titillated his fancy and driven him with great anticipation. It could be everything he wanted and as much as he wanted; no limits.

Another path led to happiness. It was definite that it would be attained, but it would be strained with occasional sadness and disappointment. By choosing this path it was certain that he would be giving up any chance at intense pleasure, and possibly any chance for future devotion. But the happiness would be over whelming and the greatest he could ever imagine.

The final path led to devotion. It would be complete devotion for the majority of the time, but in other moments it would be unlimited jealousy and rage. By choosing this path he was convinced that he would not want for devotion. He could be cherished, needed and loved, but would have to forego his opportunities for happiness and the levels of pleasure he craved.

He wasn’t one to ponder his choice for long. He had chosen to live his life making quick decisions and never looking back. He decided that he had until the sun had set on this glorious day to move forward.

He looked back on his past life, the life before he became who he was today. He had lived that life craving one path and he had enjoyed it immensely. He pondered the life after he had become who he was today, and again saw what the impetus was for him then. He contemplated where he was today, and understood his needs and wants. He then saw himself in the future, anticipating what he would want and need then.

His challenge was that in each of the three timeframes of his life as he saw it, he desired a different path. He knew them all very well. But looking at himself in the future, he had to have all three. He felt he had earned it. He had made his amends for past errors, he had lived a good life, and he had provided more than enough. Now it should be all about him.

Perhaps his amends weren’t sincere enough to offset the errors of his past. Maybe his sacrifices didn’t measure up to the pain he had cause to others before. Maybe this was just his penance for his past life. But taking all three paths wasn’t an option.

As the sun slowly disappeared behind the horizon, he took his last sip of his drink, and he made his choice. Some people would be elated, some people wouldn’t care, some people would be hurt, and some people would be disappointed. But his choice was made. He raised his phone to make a call. He was moving on.

What would you choose?