My Journal 200

A long time ago I used to email my thoughts to my friends. One friend, a new friend, suggested that I do a "Blog" page. Thus began this, and over 200 Journals later I am wrapping this page up and starting a new chapter. So, don't forget about me!?!?

Simple Minds – Don’t You Forget About Me

(Theme from “The Breakfast Club”)

Hey, hey, hey ,hey - Ohhh...

Won't you come see about me?

I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts

Giving me everything inside and out and

Love's strange so real in the dark

Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart

When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me

Don't, Don't, Don't, Don't

Don't You Forget About Me

Will you stand above me?

Look my way, never love me

Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling

Down, down, down

Will you recognize me?

Call my name or walk on by

Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling

Down, down, down, down

Hey, hey, hey, hey - Ohhhh.....

Don't you try to pretend

It's my feeling we'll win in the end

I won't harm you or touch your defenses

Vanity and security

Don't you forget about me

I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Going to take you apart

I'll put us back together at heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me

Don't Don't Don't Don't

Don't You Forget About Me

As you walk on by

Will you call my name?

As you walk on by

Will you call my name?

When you walk away

Or will you walk away?

Will you walk on by?

Come on - call my name

Will you call my name?

I say :

La la la...

When you walk on by...

And you call my name...

MY FRIENDS

Lovely Girl (On the right)

Banana-Rama (She's shy)

HMPOA

 Martel

 Niki-Cole

Kat

Sunshine

MY FOLLOWERS!

I think I've told all of you the address of my new blog. If not, email me at illogical69@live.com so we can continue the party.

My Journal 199

I will have a FINAL Journal (#200) this weekend. Thanks to all of you for being a part of this.

 

It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them. Confucius

 

My Journal 198

Grab a glass of wine, kick your shoes off, have a seat and put your feet up. This is a long one.

It’s been two weeks now since “THE SHIT” happened. In my entire life I’ve never spent this much time trying to figure something out without success. To my friends, I apologize for being distant and not returning your calls, messages or emails. I know I am responsible for all my actions, but this really threw me for a loop.

This weekend I remembered that for the past 30 years, every three to four years I am called in for a meeting. I have to take a brief physical, I have an interview with the duty officer, and I have to sit down with the shrink. Now I personally don’t believe in shrinks, or doctors for that matter. I cannot see how chatting with someone who has no idea who you are can help. But then again, nothing else has worked to give me some understanding. So I called . . . . . Gag!

I decided that  since they used me, broke me, fucked me up, turned me into a monster, and then cut me loose; that they now can do some shit for me. Actually, there are many services available that I am allowed to use for free. I just never wanted to. But now I figure why not. It’s there, it’s free, they want me to talk, and I am fuckin’ lost.

I had the number for the last doc with which I spoke. He was army, and became a shrink after. I have no idea what kind of a soldier he was, but he is an irritating shrink. He made me an appointment for Monday after work. And reluctantly I showed up.

I am there to find answers about my current situation which I can’t seem to figure out. Apparently he thought I was coming in to talk about the Georgia Republic, Hamid Karzi, Afghanistan, and Aiden. I guess he figured he was finally the one that got me to talk about all the shit I was given. I actually think he was let down when I told him what I really wanted. But, for the record, he hung in there and went to work.

Sort of . . .

First he asked me to talk about how I felt about this person. Seriously? I haven’t told her how I feel and I know her. I don’t know him so there ain’t no freakin way we’re having this discussion buck-o. He was a bit put back by my outburst.

Then he suggested we talk about why I am hurting. Geez, this guy sucks. Hey, when I found out that someone I really liked had a whole ‘nother world I knew nothing about . . . well it did fuck me over in pain. But that has long past. Now I am just looking for answers, and I can’t find any. Look doc; just point me to the door.

I was pacing by now, and my frustration was growing. I would have left, but he took me to an interview room, and the doors only open from the outside. But then finally he says something that made me stop. He asks me, “If you could ask her something what would it be?”

That turned on a light in my head. You see, there is nothing I want to ask her. Well, I mean anal me did put together a list of every single time something happened that was confusing, misinterpreted, or just an outright deceit, and I have about 200 questions written down to ask her someday. But that was for me to process all the shit she may have been doing. I truly have NOTHING I want to ask her.

No . . . . What I want is for her to talk to ME! I fucking deserve it. The damn doc smiled like he just won a pig at the state fair. And I returned to my seat, relaxing a bit. He asked me two more questions. He asked why I felt I deserve an explanation from her and what would I want her to say to me.

Hmmm, interesting . . . .

I answered him as to why I felt I deserved an explanation. But that is personal and as I have mentioned, I don’t discuss my feelings anymore. But I did with this nut job. Anyway, that was the trivial shit. The bottom line is that she owes me a phone call and an explanation. But it will NEVER happen.

Doc picked up on that last comment. He told me to move on to the second part of his original question, but that what I just said gave him some insight into a possible answer.

FUCK ME RUNNIN! You mean to tell your puny brain may have a logical answer to all this cock in bull madness, and you want to wait to tell me. The discussion became quite heated at that moment. But he assured me that he needed to hear my answer before he could conclude any more.

Lil prick!

I don’t know how many of you have ever been in a situation where you worked you ass off for something important to you. Maybe you tried for days, or maybe you tried for weeks or months. Maybe you prepared or trained or studied. Maybe it was school, or work, or even sports that you were focused on.

I have.

And there is this moment, a moment of ecstasy when after all your work and your sweat and your focus and your whatever . . . . you see the finish line. This feeling comes over you like you could tame the world. At that moment you are a god! Nothing can stop you from achieving this goal that you have worked so hard for, and that now is right in your grasp.

There is no feeling like that.

[Well, maybe a good blow job . . . . . but I digress]

So this guy claims he can see the finish line to my tribulation after talking to me for what now was only about 45 minutes. Yet he is telling me I have to work more to get it. I damn near killed him right then, but I had to let him live to give me his thoughts. I mean he is supposed to be educated in this shit, right?

Dammit . . . . FINE!

So I tell him what I would want her to say to me. That part was simple. All I want to hear from her is WHY. I don’t care if she tells me why she hid stuff for a year and a half and why she deceived me several times, ESPECIALLY this time; or if she just picks one moment, ANY moment, and tells me why she lied. It didn’t matter. I just needed to understand with certainty ONE DAMN THING about her. ANY DAMN THING! I don’t buy the “It’s none of your business” bull shit!

I thought I knew her. I trusted her with my secrets. I even talked about (gag) feelings with her. I DON’T DO THAT SHIT. And to FINALLY share that with someone, and then to find out that they are someone completely different rocked my mental stability. I went back to being the guy I used to be. When I was working for them I never cared about why, or people, or even myself. I just did shit.

“If you never give someone a clear shot, you will live longer”

Frank always told me that when he was alive. Keep moving, keep ducking, and never let anyone close. He said we were different people. He told me no one could ever care about us, and to try would always end up in a disaster. Yet I gave her a “CLEAR SHOT” firmly believing she would NEVER be one that would take that shot. But she did. And she struck me straight in the heart. I guess Frank was right, again.

Hell, I didn’t even know I had a heart.

There was silence then. Doc just sat there looking at me. I am freaking out, wanting him to turn on this giant floodlight so I can see. And he sits there looking at me. Then he pulled out a bottle of gin and poured two glasses. I don’t drink gin, but I would fuck a pig right now if it would give me the answer I need. So I took a glass.

We sat there staring at each other.

ARGH!

Finally he spoke. He told me that I was a hero. He said he read all my files, he spoke to people I knew back then, and he found out who I was and what I had done. He said I deserved to be recognized for my accomplishments; but we both knew that would never happen. He stood up and saluted me, then he said “Thank you”.

Fine dude, get to the point as to why I am here! Anyway, that’s a whole ‘nother issue.

[By the way, I did appreciate the salute]

That was when he started talking. And man did this guy talk. He rambled for 10 minutes about my mental makeup, how nothing was wrong with me, and how he couldn’t imagine anyone going through what I did and still being able to function in society and accomplish the personal goals I have accomplished.

All I heard was blah, blah, blah . . . . get to the point!

Then he said my only problem was that I couldn’t accept that someday, someone would love me.

[Huh?]

Then we had more silence as he poured me another drink. I really don’t like gin. Hey, is drinking on the job at a governmental facility legal? Well, it was after hours.

He told me that quite possibly the reason I can’t see the obvious answer is because I don’t know the existence of the obvious. He said the only reason people will deceive someone is to get something for themselves; or to keep something they cherish. He said that based on what I did share with him, that he felt this chick wasn’t trying to get something for herself. He was right about that. She could get what she wants from anyone else and didn’t need to get shit from me.

When we agreed on this point, he concluded that the reason she deceives me is that she doesn’t want to lose me. And that she cares for me more than she knows or will admit.

Ok, now I am more lost than ever. And this is the time he shuts up again. I guess he figured that the silence would force me to begin talking. But like I said, I have nothing to talk about. Not to her, and definitely not to him. So I sit quietly and stare back at him.

FINALLY he leans forward and asks me to open my mind. Ok, whatever it takes. He then suggests that maybe she seriously cares about me, but she too has no idea what is going on. All she knows for sure is that she likes knowing I exist and she wants me in her life. Maybe she wants me there so she can figure out what she is feeling.

Then he says that if we can accept this conclusion as a viable solution; it is obvious that she deceived me because she respected me so much, and wanted me around so much, that she was afraid to tell the truth. Maybe she felt that if she told me everything that I would give up on her. So she hid stuff hoping I would never find out, at least until she knew what she was going through.

Then he said it is possible for someone to care about me.

[Doubt it, but ok?]

He told me it sounds like I have always been the aggressor in our relationship. He told me if I want it to succeed then I had to continue to be the aggressor, because it is what she is waiting for me to do. He told me to call her and talk.

Here’s the shit, I don’t want to TALK. I want to LISTEN!

He told me that I would never hear from her unless I let her know that she is ok with me still. She will move on assuming that she was wrong about me because I didn’t fight to get her back or that I didn’t care enough to try. He told me I HAD to call her; and that if I did she would talk.

But he said he couldn’t guarantee that she would be honest.

Well, it fits. You see, it’s like I am dealing with this giant puzzle and searching for the pieces that fit. Yet there are thousands of pieces and only a few fit, but only one is right. So this one fits, but I don’t know if it’s the only one that fits. And I don’t know if it’s right.

You are probably wondering now what I am going to do next.

Fair enough, I am NOT going to call. Yes, he is right. I have always been the one that initiates. But what I also need is one time for her to make a gesture.

The way I see it is if the doc is right, then my god is looking out for me. If my god is looking out for me then he will talk to her. If he talks to her then she will read this page. If she reads this page, she will know IF the doc is right or IF once again she has fooled someone. If she has fooled me again, then she won’t contact me and I will eventually move on. But if she reads that the doc is right, and she truly wants me in her life, then she will call me and tell me ONE TRUE THING.

That will start the ball rolling. I don’t know if we will get back to where I thought we once were, or even if that place was real. But to find out, she has to initiate.

So somehow she will have to know to come here, because this is all I will do. Only she knows the truth, so only she can fix the problem. And I know that she doesn’t routinely read this journal anymore.

Why should she?

Right or wrong, this is me. I’m confusing, complicated, mentally broken, and I have never felt something for someone like you read about in books. Maybe that feeling is just a fantasy. Maybe she doesn’t know it either. But if she calls I will answer. The stink is that if she doesn’t call I will never know if she even read. So I will never know if I missed out . . . or was right. But I guess that’s life.

That’s me . . . IF IT IS MEANT TO BE THEN IT WILL BE.

My Journal 197

I mentioned that I quit talking about feelings and shit. I never used to do it and back then I was happy being alone with my thoughts. Bust yesterday was weird and I want to share the events.

I took another of my road trips yesterday. I LOVE the hill country and I enjoy the people there. If you have never been to San Marcos in October you have missed a peek at heaven in my opinion. I chose San Marcos for this trip over New Braunfels or San Antonio because I wanted to watch a football game.

I have done about 2 dozen of these road trips since Sunshine moved there. I always knew she was nearby, but for whatever the reason, we never hooked up on one of these trips. But even though I was conscious that she was near on these trips, I was still able to have a lot of fun. A funny side note is that usually when I am talking to someone privately on these trips, I always catch myself comparing them to Sunshine . . . . and no one ever measured up.

I arrived around 3 PM yesterday. I parked in my usual spot , which is a field across from the stadium under a giant shade tree. Just down the road about 200 yards is the college tailgating party with live music, free beer, and many lovely and inebriated coeds. But yesterday I took my chair and cooler out and set up right next to my car.

I didn’t have the urge to be around people.

I have this program I usually run while I am there. I charm my way into a group, usually a sorority or fraternity group. Then I watch for the "sheep that wanders off". When I pick that one I make my move, and begin focusing all my charm on that one, while keeping her separated "from the heard". Then I maneuver her to some private area and seduce her.

To be completely honest, I never go for the TD. I carry the ball to the one-yard line and then take a dive. Like I said, I always end up comparing these beautiful coeds to Sunshine and they never measure up. But yesterday I wasn’t in the mood. Yet as luck would have it, the opportunity came to me.

I am content, having consumed about 4 cans of beer while sitting under a shade tree and listening to the Austin-tacious entertainment. I am thinking about life, my past, my future, and even Sunshine. That was when 4 sorority coeds walked up to me. Their vehicle was parked next to mine, and I was sitting between both vehicles. They came over to me, also slightly inebriated.

They were flirtatious, but I knew it was a scheme. I figured they wanted a favor so they were charming me. And I was right as they eventually asked me to save their parking spot for a few minutes as they had to go get something. I wasn’t doing anything, so I agreed. They returned about 20 minutes later and found their parking space open as I promised.

Again, they were flirtatious. But I knew it was all simply coeds using their talents to get a male to do for them, and I didn’t care. They hugged me, gave me a peck on the cheek, and left to return to their tailgating fun. And that’s where it started getting weird.

Well, "weird-er"?

I heard one of the coeds, in my opinion the hottest of the four, tell the other three that she left something in their truck and needed to go back to get it. And she told them to go and not wait for her. And sure to her words, she reappeared around the end of the truck and walked right up to me. She looked me in the eye and asked me if I had someone here with me. I said no, that I knew a student here but that I wasn’t seeing her today.

That was when she kissed me. Not a peck, or a quick smack; this was a "close your eyes and shove your tongue down my throat" kiss. I reciprocated. We kissed for about 5 minutes before we took a break. She asked me to come with her to their area and hang out with her. I thought about it, but again decided that I was in more of a "alone" mood. She told me she really wanted to hang out, but finally understood. So she wrote her phone number down for me and asked me to call her after the game.

And that was when it started getting "weird-er-er"!

She turned to walk away while still holding my hand. When our arms were fully extended where we had to let go of each other, she stopped and asked me; "Who is this girl that turned you free for today?" Without thinking I gave Sunshine’s first name. She looked surprised and gave me Sunshine’s first name and last name; and said she was "familiar" with her.

She told me something. I don’t know if this chick really knew Sunshine or not. And my gut say’s she is making an assumption. But then I remembered that damn Web Page. I still can’t put into words how it felt to learn she did that without saying one word to me. I was confused.

I threw the girl’s number away. I went to the game but I couldn’t enjoy it. So I left after the first quarter. I went to a liquor store and bought a small bottle of tequila. I checked into the Motel 6 and proceeded to finish the beer I had brought, the whiskey I had brought, and the tequila I had bought. Then I did something very stupid. I got into my car and drove by Sunshine’s house.

That part of the story will stay with me.

On my way back to my room I bough another bottle of tequila. Later that night, it was about 4 AM, and I was sitting in a room, drunk and confused again, realizing that for the first time ever I AM NOT having a good time on my road trip. Before I knew it I had my laptop out and I caught myself typing an email to Sunshine about my day.

Martel sent me a text. And then another; and then another. It was a message from above.

I stopped. I used to always write to Sunshine about my days and my feelings. But last night for the first time I was embarrassed to be wanting to share with her. I see her differently now, and I told her that already. She didn’t bother to respond when I did either.

It is now 9:00 AM Sunday and I am packed to return to Houston. I didn’t have a wild time, or fun. I didn’t charm and seduce people. And I let a very hot coed walk away and didn’t call her.

I think that this was my last road trip to the Hill Country. I think that this may be my last journal for a while too.

I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Hinder - Better than Me

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that you made me believe
And guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be

I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered what it feels like beside you

I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took that you were lookin' for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall, you and me in the dressing room

I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered what it feels like beside you

I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend

I won't think about you when I'm older
'Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end

I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

My Journal 196

Sometimes in your darkest moments, something happens that changes your life for the better. At least that is what happened to me.

You already know about my disastrous week a couple of weeks ago. I was shocked, deeply hurt, confused, frustrated and eventually blamed for the situation. My faith in people was destroyed and my trust issues were at a full blown crisis. It all seemed so unreal, but the stink of it was that it was VERY real.

But then this odd chain of events started. I’ll keep the details to myself since I am being the private “ass” me now, but the result was that I met a very nice lady. And it resulted from this situation I was having. As odd as it sounds, in the middle of losing faith in mankind someone popped out of the woodwork.

So my weekend road trip has changed slightly. Instead of swinging thru SA today on my way to watch my Alma Mater play, I have a date to have drinks with this lady in SM. We been exchanging emails for a week now, we’ve learned a little about each other, and now we are meeting. I’m sort of excited.

So maybe I had to face the realizations I did in order to be able to give this person the attention it took to make all this possible. Who knows? Listen, it’s just meeting for a drink or two. But it’s something that NEVER would have happened if it weren’t for the disaster I faced a couple of weeks ago.

I guess the moral I want to share is this; keep you head up. You never know what is just on the other side of your troubles . . . . and it might be something good!

So my new plan is to go straight to SM for drinks before the game, and then I will watch some college football. I am thinking then that I may traverse to SA after and visit my buddy. He has a GREAT Mexican restaurant, and I told him a few months ago that I was going to stop by soon. I wanted him to meet someone, but that won’t happen now, so I will go solo.

Or maybe my new friend may want to go . . . .

Ya never know!

Now here’s the part with which I need your help . . . .

Last night, in my heavily inebriated form, I kept having this vision in my head. Someone I care about was buck naked and bent over a table in a cheap hotel room. A hairy and sweaty guy, rather heavy set, with body odor and acne, and who bothered only to unzip his pants; is behind her with one hand reaching around her chest and the other pulling her hair back while he is pounding himself into her rectum and calling her “His Whore”.

She has her eyes closed, but is yelling, “faster, deeper” at his demand.

This was the thought in my head all night.

And yet I still worry about her. But I can’t protect those that refuse.

This is my hell!

My Journal 195

Here we go, another round of the Shout Outs!

Martel – Our Fantasy League Football team sucks! Sorry about the Facebook thing.

HMPOA – Thanks for the pictures of the grand-kids. They look incredible.

Banana-Rama – Miss you sweetie!

Lovelygirl – I hope you do make here it down for Thanksgiving.

It’s a weekend, whoop!

I’m figuring on taking in a good college football game Saturday. Friday I’m going to work out. Yup, a FREE Friday night and my plans are to run 4 miles, swim laps, and lift all in one night. You see, exercise clears my head. And with all the shit, deception, confusion, and lies I’ve been dealt lately I definitely need to get the shit out of there.

THEN . . . .

Once my head is clear I can take my Saturday trip. I can swing through SA for some “hubba hubba”, move on to my old college stomping grounds, eat at my favorite burger joint, watch my alma mater play, and maybe have a late dinner at my buddies place back in SA.

THEN . . . .

Sunday I am going to lie in bed and try to sleep. I have decided that this sleeping for an hour and a half crap sucks. So I will lie down and not get up until I have slept for a straight 4 hours (baby steps).

I hope you all get what you want this weekend . . . . even . . . . awww, just everyone.

My Journal 194

Here was my horoscope for yesterday.

Aries

The day's planetary formation brings up the question of fantasies. Your past lovers may wonder what went on in that head and heart of yours, which often seemed so detached from the blood and guts of a real relationship. Perhaps your fantasy should be to allow yourself to truly feel. If you play around with this long enough, you may just realize what you have been missing.

I don’t usually read my horoscope for the current day, or even for future days. But I do like to read what was supposed to happen yesterday. Sometimes it’s exactly right, but usually it can be interpreted as correct or it’s just wrong. The odd thing about this one is that the part about how “past lovers may wonder” is dead on.

I have heard from every person I have ever dated that they had no idea what I was thinking or how I felt. That is confusing to me as I usually say exactly what is on my mind. But it has happened so many times that I have to assume that I suck at communicating certain things.

HMPOA told me once that I do say the right things, but my body language and actions say something completely different. I know what I say, but I am not sure what impression my body language or actions may be relaying to people. I am not sure how to address this problem.

As for me, I value the words more than the body language or actions other people display. You can say you absolutely hate me, while you are massaging my hand and smiling. I will interpret that to mean you hate me. But apparently everyone else witnessing the same event would determine that the person either likes me or was simply joking.

One girl I was recently dating picked up on this challenge. So she began telling me exactly what she was thinking, and exactly what she wanted to do. We got along GREAT! Even when the decision was made that we weren’t going to date anymore because of our differences, she just flat out told me. And I was good with that approach.

I remain good friends with that girl to this day.

But a couple of the ladies I have been with lately NEVER say what is on their mind or what they want. So to me it’s just a guessing game. I still do what I want, and ask to do the things I want to do, but I get frustrated with the lack of verbal responsiveness. Eventually I begin to distance myself, and in return they begin to distance themselves. I stop communicating completely and then they stop.

One of those relationships is LONG gone, and the other one is going down like the Titanic.

So, I guess I need to figure out my body language and find ways to improve communication via actions. Also I need to figure out the female body language. That one might be tough. So let me give you a few actual scenarios with which I am currently interpreting and I ask you to critique me.

·          There is a girl I used to date and stopped on good terms. We have a mutual friend that tells me this one girl asks her about me a lot lately. So I asked her to lunch one weekend. She said she couldn’t because she had plans already. I interpret that to mean she is not that interested after all and I have not asked again. Am I right or wrong?

·          There is one girl I dated that while upset once told me she would call me. She hasn’t called. I interpret that to mean she has no interest in hearing from me again so I won’t call her. Am I right or wrong?

·          There is another girl that I dated that asks to see me. When we get together it is fun and “friendly physical”. But each time she gets numerous text messages while we are out, and eventually has to leave to go do something else later in the day or evening. I interpret this to mean I am a fill in guy and she leaves me to go do what she really wants to do. I haven’t seen her since. Am I right or wrong?

A little feedback here please?

My Journal 193

I mentioned earlier how last week sort of changed me, or at least changed my perspective of life as I tried to live it. Some of my core beliefs that I established after I gave up my troubled past seem to be observed by me only. I truly believed that I needed to follow these beliefs both to make amends for my past and to be a person people wanted to be around. And I genuinely believed that people were moral and trustworthy.

But I now know that’s not quite right.

So here is a list of beliefs that I am going to abandon; or probably going to abandon based on how I now believe the rest of the world functions.

·          I am going to return to taking my “trips” out of the country. I know that my vision, reactions, and stamina may not be what it used to be. But my strength, my experience and my attitude still exist; and I am still damn good at it. And I get paid in cash. (The way I like to drive around Texas I could use the extra cash) And who cares if others get hurt?

·          I am going to be with women, even the taken ones. I won’t ask a taken woman to do anything, but when they offer I figure if they are willing to cheat then I will oblige them. As a matter of fact I am putting my morals aside and passing through SA this weekend on my way to San Marcos. Hey, why not?

·          I am going to lie to people. Obviously everyone lies now-a-days and I seem to be the only one getting caught up in those lies . . . and the only idiot that doesn’t lie. So if everyone else does it then I will as well. And I can be a great liar!

·          I am going to cheat. If I can win something, even if I have to cheat to do it, then I will. I’ve always believed that winning isn’t winning if you have to cheat to get it. But I seem to be in the minority on this issue. So whatever it takes.

·          I am going to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I always thought that being open and honest would have its rewards. But it seems that now-a-days no one gives a crap what you think or feel, and very few are open and honest. All that matters is what you have done for them lately. So, that will be my motto as well.

·          I am going to call people out when someone screws me over. I’ve always believed that if you get over on me, well good for you. I will quietly disappear and you will never get a second chance. You aren’t worth my effort or anger. But now I think I will get right up in their face. Let’s see how tough you are now sucker!

Basically, I guess I am saying “No More Mister Nice Guy”. The first twenty something years of my life I was a complete ass to everyone. No one liked me. But at the same time I had everything I wanted. I had fame, fortune, and women. Since then I have tried to always do the right thing and be the nice guy. That hasn’t been working out so well lately. I truly believe that today people constantly try to screw over the nice guy because they think that they can get away with it.

So here’s to me saying “to hell with my morals and honesty” and being an ass all over again!

Oh, I gave you the link to a song that truly moved me recently. Here are the lyrics. Enjoy!

Letters from the Sky – Civil Twilight

One of these days the sky's gonna break and everything will escape
And I'll know
One of these days the mountains are gonna fall into the sea
And they'll know
That you and I were made for this
I was made to taste your kiss
We were made to never fall away
Never fall away

One of these days letters are gonna fall from the sky
Telling us all to go free
But until that day I'll find a way to let everybody know that you're coming back,
You're coming back for me

'cause even though you left me here
I have nothing left to fear
These are only walls that hold me here
Hold me here, hold me here

One day soon I'll hold you like the sun holds the moon
And we will hear those planes overhead
And we won't have to be scared
We won't have to be scared,
We won't have to be scared

You're coming back for me

My Journal 192

I caught some crap yesterday for not doing my typical Friday “Shout outs” last week. I never thought to do it because for the first week in many months I was talking to ALL of you constantly ALL week last week. So I figured we handled the shout out stuff. But perhaps I was wrong, so I will get to them this coming week again.

Also, I am asked constantly how I am doing. So . . . . I am ok.

I remember a story I wrote once about a guy who liked a girl. Yet the girl asked for a “talk” after they had an unusual night. The guy in the story was worried that the girl was dumping him. It so consumed his thoughts that he couldn’t function. But once they talked it turned out that she didn’t want to leave him, but she had done something horrible.

Her actions changed him, like last week changed me.

This mistake caused the guy to walk away from her. He figured he couldn’t cope with what had transpired so he had to end it himself. But later he realized that his biggest concern before she told him what she had done; was that he was going to lose a friend. And now, because of the situation, he was going to lose the friend anyway. Only now it was his choice.

I left that story hanging, and let the reader’s imagination determine how the couple ended up. Well, that part of the story, the unknown part, is where I am now. I am sort of numb to my situation. And my friend is mad at me because it affected me. So just like in my story, the ending will just have to play out.

I will be ok either way. I have changed though. I see my friend differently; not better or worse, just different. That makes me behave differently and I feel the relationship will change somewhat as well. But maybe the change will be good. I guess it’s all what I make of it.

I’m tired already.

Thanks again to all of you for checking up on me. It does make someone feel important when their friends rally at your side.

Ciao!

My Journal 191

What is it about women and boob jobs?

Listen ladies, guys don’t give one shit about the size and shape of your breasts. We LOOOOOOVE boobs! We love big ones and small ones. We love perky or lazy boobs. We love tanned or milky white boobs. We love big "nips" or tiny ones. We love pierced boobs or not.

Every boob is AMAZING to us guys. The size, color or shape doesn’t matter at all. All that matters is if you will show them to us and let us play with them. Seriously, that is all ANY guy wants.

So why do most women want boob jobs?

There are only two reasons I can see for a woman to get a boob job. If they are so heavy that they hurt your back you can have them reduced. Or, if (god forbid) you lose them to cancer then you can have them rebuilt. But other than that I can see no reason to ever have a boob job of any kind.

I sort of think women want boob jobs to impress other women. I mean let’s get serious for a moment. You gals dress to impress other women. You impress guys just by showing up. This is why I believe that women get boob jobs for other women.

[You are all lesbians, right?]

So hear me clear, guys like your boobs and you don’t need to change them.

Now . . . .

When you get boob jobs, why then are you so anxious to show them to us and let us play with them?

I don’t get it at all. We like the boobs with which you were born. Yet we have to beg, slave, and go broke to see them and much less ever play with them. But the moment you get them augmented you suddenly want all of us to see them and touch them.

This weekend I am at a party with my COOL cousins. Well, the female is my cousin but her husband and I get along great so I include him as family. She is an absolutely beautiful lady with amazing breasts. She has the perfect figure according to your "girly" magazines. And her breasts were very ample.

[Geez, I feel like I am going to hell for talking about my cousin’s breasts.]

Apparently she decided a month or so ago that she wanted BIGGER breasts. So she got a boob job. I see her at the party, not knowing that she has been modified. And no, I didn’t know about her augmentation or notice her breasts. She is my cousin.

As usual, when I saw her we came together for a welcome hug and a peck on the cheek. As I let go to say one of the typical lines like, "it’s good to see you again"; she stops me and asks if her boobs felt bigger. At that moment I have no idea why she asks me that question, and I figure it’s one of our inside jokes that perhaps I had forgotten.

But I don’t look at her boobs!

Then she presses the issue further. She chides me to look at them. She is wearing a low cut sundress, so to appease her I glance down at her cleavage. I am still unaware of the background story.

Apparently my non-interested attitude frustrated her a bit. So she informs me she had a boob job and wants my opinion.

I am now very uncomfortable. The party is in a large back yard out in a very rural area. It is nighttime, and there are only a few dim lights. And then I realize that we are alone in the yard. This scenario is not the type of a scenario you want to be in with your cousin.

She then says, "I want you to see them"; and she starts to slip off the top of her sundress. I grab her arms and stop her cold, explaining very diligently that I DO NOT want to see her boobs. She smiles as if she understands and I release my grip on her. As I take a comforting breath, her dress falls to her waist and there are two of the most amazing breasts I have ever seen.

Yup, I looked. But it was honestly an accident. And I immediately turned completely around and demanded that she put her clothes back on.

NOPE, she has no intention of dressing yet. You see, now she wants me to feel them too. I start to walk away and she grabs me. She insists that I need to seriously look at them, and feel them, and let her know what I think.

[Jumpin’ Jupiter Batman!]

I quickly devise the perfect speech in my head to show her how silly this whole ordeal is to me. But before I can put my thoughts into words, she grabs my hand and places in on her bare breast. I immediately pull my hand back.

She yells at me! She says she wants me to massage it and tell her if it feels like a real breast. I again voice my disapproval.

She grabs both hands and places both my hands on her bare breasts. You are probably thinking that a big guy like me could easily fight off a slender female. But the only way I know how to make someone let go is to hurt them; and I can’t hurt her. So I again voice my displeasure while fighting her not to move my hands around on her breast.

[Argh!]

So here I sit today trying to justify to my god why I massaged my cousin’s tits as per her instructions, fingered her nipples, and told her they were the best breasts I’ve ever felt.

I am sooooo going to hell!