My Journal 093

“People die every day. Men will die today. Let’s make sure you are not one of them.”

I didn’t hear the comment myself as I was not allowed to attend briefings. But I was told that it was said and I believe that it was said. I was in Afghanistan for over 6 weeks and I actually got close to some guys there. I attached a picture once, asking if anyone could find me in the photo. My old friend Frank was in that photo also. It’s the only proof of my existence back then.

As you know I have struggled with events from this time in my life. I try to convince myself that the things I did saved many lives, thus making it all “livable”. But it is just a guess. I could have been lied to all along. I have been lied to all along by a lot of people in my life. And nothing I did can be verified as being good, I just have to trust and we know how good I am at that. I suck.

But March 02 is the day I celebrate for doing something that can be verified as good. So March 02 is another day that I have marked down on my internal calendar. I have a lot of important dates in my internal calendar. For those of you who know me well, then you know I am sort of distant in early July. Memorial Day is a big one for me too. Let’s see, there is also:

April 07 ~ April 18 ~ August 06 ~ October 10 (Yup, your birthdays rate up there too and I do something for you on your birthday’s)

So, on Wednesday March 02 I will wear my pin. Many years ago I saved a man’s life. And it wasn’t like the time I pulled my sister out of the pool or dove in the gulf and grabbed some cousin of mine. This was a decision I made, under duress, and risking my life.

It’s funny to think back to that moment. I always wanted to be the hero, but it is easy to be the hero when you are not risking anything. Yet to be the hero when your ears are ringing from explosions, hisses and pops are all around you and people lie dead near you; then being a hero is a lot more difficult. I thought about it for a split second, but then got up and ran to offer aid. And the guy lived.

Four men died that day. I guess I figured 5 was one too many. The whole time I was doing that job I only told two people my real name. My friend Frank was one, and this guy was the other. He has since died from health issues unrelated to his service of country. We never spoke after he was flown out. But apparently he did speak to someone. He told his son of our story. His son looked me up a few years ago to inform me of his father’s passing.

He sent me a box, with two pins in it. They were his father’s pins. He wrote me a short note, maybe 30 words, to thank me for what I did for him, not just for his dad. He was thanking me. Being a typical guy, I threw the note away when I was finished reading it. I sort of wish I hadn’t done that now. That letter made me feel good, and many days I need that feeling again. But it’s gone, so instead I celebrate this day.

I gave one pin away to someone. I still have the other. I will wear mine. This is why I contacted all of you and asked you to wear something patriotic on Wednesday. Yes it is just for me. Yes it is childish to want to be recognized. Yes I am a jerk for asking. But hey, I want one day for me. So I ask the only people who might say alright.

“If you believe in fate, FIGHT for it”

I ran into LL Saturday at the BBQ cook off. She told me that line. She said I could write about this, but to still use her “codename”. I am a spiritual guy; I believe that there are signs all around guiding me along life’s path. I believe that sometimes I try to ignore the signs I don’t want to recognize, and sometimes I try to make things into signs that I want. I do believe in fate.

Guilty!

But I was there alone. My friends were going in the evening and I was surprised to find out that I was babysitting Saturday night. So I went early because I used to rodeo and I love the people that attend these events. She was there too, and she came alone as well. Now she was planning on meeting up with some friends. But still, I believe it was fate that we ended up in the same place at the same time, when we weren’t speaking.

But we met, and we talked, and she told me that line above. We had a moment. Not a sexual moment; but a moment of clarity. She has been around for a long time. She has expressed an interest. I have avoided it, but have remained close to her. Maybe I have been fighting the wrong fight. So why not give it a shot?

She tells me like it is. She tells me what she wants. And I can tell her anything. We argue a lot, mainly because we are so much alike. But the arguments never last, and it is good to get things out in the open.

On Wednesday we will meet. She promised to wear something patriotic and also something that she knows I REALLY liked to see her wear. (Ummm) We decided we will take it one day at a time and see what happens. And she only asked one thing of me. It was something that she has asked before, and I refused. But as I learn more I begin to believe that once again maybe she was right all along. So I agreed to her request, while we figure this thing between us out.

My gut is sitting this one out. All I know is she has been there for years, and she never given up on me. She never keeps things from me. And she always checks in with me, no matter what.

I guess I’ll keep you informed.

My Journal 092

The greatest Rock Song ever written.

Rock Me – Great White

Sweet little baby, you don't have to go
Little baby, tell me you won't go
We'd be so good together if we had the time
Bein' alone's a nowhere state of mind

Lovin' ain't no crime, oh no
I see your man ain't here. He don't care
And when the night is gone I will move on
Got to find a way to face another day

I search the world for someone I'll never find
Someone who ain't the hurtin' kind
If you stay the night.
We'll make the wrong seem right
So come on now...

Rock me
Rock me
Roll me through the night

We'll burn in love tonight

Sweet little baby, oh don't you go
You ain't so innocent, I know
I know your heart's like mine, oh yeah
And I will find the time to make you mine
And if your love goes bad, if it makes you sad
I'll be back for more at your door

Before the mornin' light,
we'll burn with love tonight

And when your man don't care,
I will be there
Still be lovin' real good love...
There is no wrong or right, gonna fall in love
There's nothing left to do,
but make sweet love to you

FYI, back in my day you couldn’t say, “Fuck me” on the radio. So the bands adopted the phrase “Rock Me” to mean the same thing.

I’m DEFINITELY gonna get “rocked” this weekend. Especially one of these . . . .



My Journal 091

I am still not up to being my typical self yet. But I am alive. I just have a lot going on right now.

Last week I received a threat on my well being. Can you imagine someone being ignorant enough to threaten me? I was going to deal with it in a typical manner accustom to someone of my background and experiences. But I was asked not to react for someone else’s benefit. So I sit and wait for the hammer to fall on my head; something I am definitely not used to.

Then I had a gun pulled on me. I still don’t know what I did to piss this guy off, and I doubt it is related to the threat. Yet I had just left the FBI shrinks and I was told I needed to control my anger. So I just calmly talked to the gentleman. I guess I was lucky a cop drove by and I assume the gentleman thought he was coming back around, so he sped away.

I saw on the news about an attack on a caravan in Mexico. Then I received a call letting me know that two of the guys I knew from my recent visit to Mexico we in the caravan and were killed. It wasn’t an emotional call as I only met them one time, and they sort of knew about the risks. But now I am being pressured to go back, which I don’t want to do. They are waving the flag in front of me and talking about loyalty and team work. I don’t want to be an ass, but I don’t want to end up like them either.

I’ve already done my part for the American way of life, right?

Then I found out my dad isn’t developing Alzheimer’s after all. He has a large tumor on his brain. He didn’t even know who I was when I called to check on him. I should know this week how long he has left.

I spent the weekend busting my butt collecting data on my new venture. I met with my partners, but we ended up having too many drinks and just sat in the hot tub all Saturday night. But that is taking up the rest of my thought process.

Two of my friends aren’t speaking to me, even though they both contacted me this weekend to give sympathy for my dad. One is pissed supposedly because I misunderstood her text message and the other won’t return my messages because of my “poor” choices. Another friend has me in a holding pattern around her world. These are three people I don’t want to lose, but I just don’t have the ability to argue right now.

Anyway, this is my world today. I’m just making the best of it.

My Journal 090

My Journal 090

I need to check out of life for a while; I have shit to deal with. I’ll be thinking about you. But I will leave you something that was once sent to me, about me, and so you can remember me. I hope to be back soon.

Aries Males

An Aries man is full of surprises and excitement and hates monotony and dullness in life. Romance with him will be like a roller coaster ride, where you don't get even a single moment to think and brood. However, it's better not to expect him to understand that you need some security every now and then. Consistency is something that does not gel well with his characteristics profile. The love of an Aries male will warm you with passion one minute and the very next minute, you may feel as if you are sitting in the North Pole.

Don't ever be rude to him. He will be very hurt, mentally vanish from your life, and will turn into the coldest person on this earth. You will have to start from the scratch again, to get back the comfort level you once shared. He is highly energetic and always full of creative ideas. You will have to keep up with his energy levels and are bound to get tired in the process, at least mentally. An Aries guy will always remain young at heart, even when he gets 90 years old. Slow moves make him impatient. He is one of those who always move ahead of others, boldly and confidently.

He is generous in the matters of time and money, is full of compassion and always tries to cheer the people around him. However, just like a baby, he can get very irritated, inconsiderate and difficult when his needs are not met or get delayed for too long. Negativity annoys him and ignoring him drives him away. When an Aries male falls in love, he becomes extremely dedicated towards it. If the commitment fails to develop into a successful relationship, he will try his best to salvage it and make it work again. Still, if it breaks up, he will brood over it for some time.

Then, the sun will again shine for him and he will fall in love again, with the same fierce devotion and loyalty. An Aries man believes in true love and will constantly be in search of it, though it may require mending his heart numerous times in the process. He will be very passionate in love and you will never get the chance to complain about the lack of romance, passion and sex. Right from poetry to candlelight dinners, to making spontaneous love you will be treated to anything and everything. He is not the one to hold back anything, especially in love.

It is advisable that you don't hold back your emotions. An Aries guy is very expressive and will expect the same from you. Remember to show that you love him and care for him. You must also learn to behave like the heroine in novels and storybooks. When in love, he is faithful to a fault and way too honest and idealistic to fool you. He was not born to indulge in things like promiscuity or even harmless flirtations. However, if you are not able to cope up with his constant need for enthusiasm and romance, he may try to look somewhere else.

An Aries man will never start another affair behind your back. He is one of those who first end old relationships and then move on to the next one. Even before something like this happens, he will let you know that things are not going as smooth as they were. He will try to make things work. Still, if situation doesn't improve or you do not do anything to improve it, he will decide to move on. The key to lasting love is always in your hands. Keep the romance alive and he will never even look at the hottest babe in the block.

If you are trying to get an Aries male interested in you, play hard to get. He loves challenges and will soon be running after you. Don't make the first move or you will lose him forever. He likes to lead in case of love also. However, do not try the jealousy invoking tricks shown in the movies. Forget actual flirting, even a teasing look at another man will make him go thousand miles away from you. He is extremely possessive and exceedingly jealous. An Aries man will want to be your first priority and cannot tolerate being sidelined for anyone else. He wants you to trust him blindly, but he won't do the same for you.

He wants his freedom and doesn't like being tied down. That's the way he is, take it or leave it. However, you know it's impossible to leave him. He is so loyal, caring, loving, charming, kind and affectionate. There are some Aries men who appear very quiet, but inside, they are as lively and full of life as any other male of this zodiac. Just give them some time and they will soon be their usual Aries self. Aries man is rebellious at heart and loves to go against the conventions. He needs to learn virtues like humility and modesty.

The learning process may hurt him and then, he will rush to you to be reassured. Remember to build his bruised ego once again or he will be very hurt. If you want to be with him forever, learn to manage his damaged confidence and show total belief in him. Never ever take the side of someone who is against him, even when he is wrong. You have to love what he loves and hate what he hates. For an Aries man, this is what true love and devotion means. He will give all this to you and expect the same in return.

If he is angry with you, there is no reason to worry for any damage to your relationship. It is his passivity you need to be afraid of. When he is quiet of not communicating is when you are in serious trouble. His anger may result in some very harsh and rude words, but it won't last long. He will usually be the first one to say sorry after a fight and will expect you to forgive and forget. You should know that he never meant what he said in anger. An Aries man will always be there for you, to take care of you. However, he will never curb your freedom. He always dominates the house and won't tolerate constant nagging. But then, he is that guy who will romance with you for eternity!

Interesting Things About the Aries Man in Love

Aries men are the best lovers and the most exciting people to have a relationship with. The Aries men are known to keep their word in relationships and are passionate about it. A relationship with an Aries man would be full of happiness and excitement as they are full of energy and enthusiasm. Though the Aries men are very romantic and caring by nature, they prefer to have a relationship with a woman who is confident, independent and smart. An Aries man in love can be described as a package full of surprises and entertainment. You will definitely feel that an Aries man always has something new to offer you every time you meet him. These men are very firm and they fully believe in the power of love and relationships. Aries men in love can also be unpredictable and VERY confusing at times. You will not understand what is in their mind and what they expect from you on some occasions. Such is the impossibility of the characteristics of Aries male.

Another thing to be noted about an Aries man in love is that he does not like it when someone breaks his trust. He strictly dislikes dishonest women and it would be almost impossible for you to get back the comfort level, you once shared with him, if you break his trust in any way. The Aries man in love is believed to be outgoing, courageous and confident to voice his opinions. He may give you some of the best gifts which you did not actually expect. He is not the one who will keep his thoughts and feeling to himself, but will voice his opinions when needed. The Aries man also loves to enjoy his own space and does not approve of it when someone interferes in his matters constantly.

There is a possibility that an Aries man would end the relationship if he discovers that his partner does not care for him and give him the attention he deserves. Again, NEVER ignore the Aries male, he has to be the priority. Another thing about most of the Aries men is that they do not get heartbroken even if they fail in one relationship. Unlike other people, they do not lose their faith over love and have a firm belief that they will definitely get the kind of person they are looking for. Thus, the approach of the Aries men in relationship and love can be called as an optimistic or a positive one.

An Aries man in love will make all the decisions in favor of his woman and also any other family members. He will support his woman in each and every thing ranging from household chores to her career. An Aries man in love will never come in as an obstacle in the progress of his woman; they are actually a great mentor and will help drive your career. However, such men can be moody and may not interact with you if you are rude or impolite to them. An Aries man in love is very loyal and you can trust him in all aspects of life.

A relationship with an Aries man can be financially, romantically and sexually successful if you can learn to understand him well and give him the deserved attention. Best of luck!

My Journal 089

Today we will finally get to the unfair advantage that women have just because they have breasts.

Before we begin, I personally have no problems with women’s breasts. I actually am very fond of women’s breasts. I literally could make an entire evening worthwhile while just focusing on the breasts. And to me, size is not important. Large breasts have a few advantages, medium breasts have different advantages, and even small breasts have their own advantages.

Yes, most of the females that I have seen more than once have had larger breasts. So on the surface it may seem that I am a fan of large breasts. But I genuinely don’t care so much about the size. Actually, the women who love attention being paid to their breasts are more interesting to me. And some women really don’t want you messing with the breasts.

Sorry, I had to go take a quick cold shower.

Back on topic, women have an unfair advantage having breasts. Women can pretty much get more with their breasts than they might be able to by simply using their personality or brains.

Again, I must take a sidebar. Even though today’s topic is breasts I personally am more attracted to personality. I can honestly say that if a swimsuit model in a low cut top, which is as dumb as a door nail, was sitting on one side of the bar; and a more homely lady in a turtleneck but with a very outgoing personality was on the other side of the bar; I would drift to the personality lady. Sure, it’s hard to believe but for me it’s true.

Women can use their breasts and it is acceptable. The can wear a low cut top to get what they want, or a tight top, or even something sheer. It gets a guys attention and makes many guys go “googly” to the point that they would do stuff they wouldn’t normally do.

Why is it that if a man tried the same approach it would be weird? Suppose a guy wore tighter jeans and kept moving his crotch to your face, or wore some designer “low cut in front jeans”, or (gag) wore sheer slacks? Would any of you be excited?

I think not. More than likely everyone would giggle and be disgusted. Now perhaps inside you would be wondering about his junk, but outwardly you would giggle.

Females can display their breasts regardless of size. There are ways to make them attractive. But I venture to say that if two guys wore tight jeans and one was “blessed” and the other wasn’t; well if you were drawn to one it wouldn’t be the tiny guy.

And women can show cleavage. It’s acceptable. Should guys show the lower waist / upper groin?

Who knows? Maybe I just started a new designer trend.

My Journal 088

Yesterday I was told that I was “SWEET”. I did in fact ask how or why I was sweet, but no answer was forthcoming. Now I hope that it was intended as a compliment in this instance, but I figure that you ladies should know exactly what you are saying when you call a guy sweet. Actually, some of you probably already know exactly what you are saying, but just in case let me to educate you. I made a list of some of the comments females will use and what it means to us guys.

YOU ARE SWEET – No matter how drunk I get, or how horny that I am, or how good you may look, or how charming you are . . . you will NEVER get any pussy here!

LET’S BE FRIENDS - No matter how drunk I get, or how horny that I am, or how good you may look, or how charming you are . . . you will NEVER get a blow job here!

I LIKE HANGING OUT WITH YOU - No matter how drunk I get, or how horny that I am, or how good you may look, or how charming you are . . . you will NEVER get to see tits here!

I THINK OF YOU AS MY BIG BROTHER - No matter how drunk I get, or how horny that I am, or how good you may look, or how charming you are . . . you will NEVER get to see me in only a thong and heels!

I LIKE YOU - No matter how drunk I get, or how horny that I am, or how good you may look, or how charming you are . . . you will NEVER get to lick me anywhere!

I LIKE TALKING WITH YOU - No matter how drunk I get, or how horny that I am, or how good you may look, or how charming you are . . . you will NEVER get to see me on my knees!

WHY DON’T WE HAVE LUNCH INSTEAD - No matter how drunk I get, or how horny that I am, or how good you may look, or how charming you are . . . you will NEVER get to see me naked!

Ok, I think you get the idea here. Basically we are back to the basics from one of my first journals. Geez ladies, we live in the same world with you. Now you may absolutely hate guys, or sex, or whatever; but we have to coexist. There is no other planet that we can move to yet. And there isn’t another option with which we can have sex.

So do us a tiny favor . . . BE FUCKING HONEST. Trust me, we can handle the truth. We PREFER the truth. You can’t hurt our feelings. We are big, rough and tough dudes. So come on! Quit with all the goofy ass comments.

Guys are never sweet. Whatever we do we are either just being stupidly honest because we don’t know any better; or we are trying to get our “winker” in your mouth or the mouth of some other chick that you have some pull over.

Guys don’t want to be friends with girls. Our friends are guys because they completely understand how screwed up everything is. Guys tell guys when we look like crap, when we have pissed someone off, and we honestly tell each other what we really want to do. And with guys we can burp and fart when we want. That’s the way we like things.

Guys don’t want to just hang out with girls. Seriously, we’re usually dropping a ton of dough when we hang out with a girl. Do you really think it is worth it just to be around you? We expect a return on our investments.

A Big Brother? What chick would screw her brother? Give us a break, we may be ignorant of your language but we are not morons.

Guys aren’t in this to be liked. We really don’t care if we are liked. We want to be admired, adored and the guy that you think of when you are taking your bath.

Guys don’t like to talk, and we truly suck at it. If we can seriously keep your attention with conversation for 30 minutes, we get a special guy award at a huge ceremony in New York. For the record, no one has ever won that coveted award yet. If we get you talking it’s just so we can see your lips move and make our fantasy that much better.

Guys don’t do lunch. We want you at night, in the dark, with lots of booze and loud music. It tends to dull your senses and makes your clothes fall off. No guy has ever gotten a blow job for a lunch date . . ever. Ummm . .  well . . ok, one time I did.

Ladies, we guys can handle playing the odds. Tell us that there is only a one in a million chance that you will screw us and we are not disappointed. We actually get excited, because we have A CHANCE. But once you say that there is ZERO chance, we’re gone. And these darn comments of yours tell us to go away.

I would absolutely love to ask a girl out one time and hear this:

“Yes, I will go out with you. You can spend all of your hard earned money buying me food, drinks, flowers and jewelry. You can take me to movies, dancing, concerts or the beach. But just to be honest with you, no matter what you do you won’t get any of this! Oh, and I will be going home every night after our date and becoming a sex slave to my fiancée who is a doctor . . . . or pull a train with the biker gang up the street.”

Shit, I would probably give all my money to that chick just for being honest!

So please, from the bottom of the hearts of every guy in the world, don’t tell us were sweet. Just be honest and say, “No sex, no way, no how”. That we understand.

Alright, while I am on my soap box here I’ve got something else to tell you. Since NONE of you apparently cared for your Valentine’s Story that I worked on for over a week (JUST FOR YOU), I decided to send it to a new chick. She LOVED it. She asked for more. She even asked me to write one about a certain sex act. Now THAT is appreciation.

So I will find a new “crew” to enjoy my stories and you can do without . . . since you obviously don’t enjoy them anymore!

AND maybe I will write here tomorrow or maybe I will just write a new story for my NEW friends.

Luv ya!

My Journal 087

Whew, another Valentine’s Day out of the way. The final tally is two “Happy Valentine’s Day” and zero “Be my Valentine” were offered to me. My record remains intact. Oh, and one “I’m so sorry” from the chick that passed out. (Being a good guy sucks)

That’s really not too bad of news. The REAL bad news is that now I have had two consecutive Valentine’s Days where I didn’t get laid. I definitely don’t want that trend to continue.

So now we can move on to bigger and better topics. Has anyone else noticed that before the end of March I will be on Journal 100? Hmmm, I need to do something special for that installment, just not sure what yet. I’ll think of something though.

Developing a relationship is a learning process, and we are quite often drawn to those who can teach us the most about ourselves.

I had started writing yesterday about the unfair advantage women have with their boobs. But as I was driving in to this place this morning, there was the most amazing moon shadowed in the most incredible way by the ONLY clouds in the sky. It reminded me of a time from my past.

I’m sure you have heard of the “Happy Place”. I’ve heard that when you get stressed you should close your eyes and visit your happy place and it will calm you down. I wasn’t sure I ever had a happy place. I mean I have always loved beaches; like Galveston, Padre Island, and Corpus Christi. I also love rodeos and being around livestock. But I guess my happy place was always just cranking up some rock music and disappearing into the haze.

But this morning I remembered something that may be my own happy place.

Back in High School, a friend and I stole some acid from the Chemistry Lab at the school. We drove to the airport and used the acid to burn a square out of the fence protecting the landing strip. We made it big enough to drive a vehicle through, and kept it in tact enough that we could re-attach it with twistys.

We were then able to drive our vehicles onto the field just in front of the landing strip. Then a group of us, guys and gals, could lay in our truck beds or on the hoods of the cars and just watch the night sky. But what made it totally amazing was that jets would fly right over us all night. It is the most incredible sensation you could ever imagine.

You would be lying still, completely relaxed from watching the moon and the clouds drifting by. Then you would spot these headlights in the distance. You could just watch as the magical bird drifted your way, slowly and powerfully. It would literally captivate my thoughts.

I would imagine the people on that jet. I would think about where they were coming from and where they were going. I could imagine business men and women, vacationers, guys racing home to be with their woman, and everything else. I could sense them gazing out their window in anticipation of what lie ahead. I could feel their excitement.

But the most beautiful part was when the jet passed overhead. We would set up just off of the landing strip that the jet was heading for. We used no lights so we were oblivious to the jet. It would blow right over our heads, maybe 50 feet above us. There was the loud noise of the huge jet engines as it approached, getting louder and louder. You couldn’t hear a thing. You basically were in your own silent world at that moment.

You would marvel at the lights, and watch as the wheels were released. The jet always looked like it was sitting still in the air as it approached. The only way I knew it was real was the flashing lights and the movement of the wheels being lowered. It was like this magical bird coming down from heaven to take away all your cares and concerns.

But then, the most incredible part was when it flew right over you. You could feel the power of the engines. You could also feel the wind as the jet split it forcing it to be held in the sky. Everything would vibrate. The ground and bushes would quake. The vehicles would bounce. And you body was completely immobilized by the thrusts.

At that moment, your senses were dead. You couldn’t see from the bright lights. You couldn’t hear from the jet engines roar. You could only smell the exhausts of the jet fuel. You couldn’t feel anything but the vibrations. The power generated by the jet overwhelmed you and consumed you.

Your entire world came to a halt for a few moments.

There was no pain or pressure in your life. Nothing mattered at that moment. Your mind was a complete blank from the sensory overload. You were a kid again without a care in the world, if only for a few passing seconds. Everything was happy.

There always was a little bit of a letdown after the jet had passed as you heard the tires screeching to a stop. Everyone would take a breath, but no one would speak. Thinking back, I never remember any conversations occurring in all the trips to the landing strip that were made. It was always silent, as if everyone was getting the same thrill and peace from this event.

But the let down would be short lived. As soon as the jet had cleared you would gaze back into the warm summer sky and you could spot the next jet on its approach.

I guess that this was my happy place. I just never realized it or remembered it until this morning. I’ve often talked about moments in life. Those special moments that makes life worth living. These moments and the memories of those moments are to me the meaning of life. I’m not here to do anything important, or to be here for someone else. I am here to enjoy these moments, and to remember them for a lifetime.

I guess the worst punishment would be to lose these moments. Dying isn’t a punishment, because you don’t know that you have forgotten about these moments. But being told that you have brain injuries, and within a year you will not have any memories about your past, including all your moments would be pure hell. How would you prepare for that?

Maybe you would write everything down; the things that make you smile, the people that you love, and the stories of you past and present. Then you would pray that if / when this finally happens, that one of your friends would guide you to your stories, so you could see who you are and what you did; even if it only stays with you for a moment.

But at least you could have that happy place for a while once again. And maybe they would do you one huge favor and tell you that you knew love.

My Journal 086

Yup, I know what today is. I mentioned it Friday; but maybe again later.

How about a few odds and ends? I didn’t get a single request for the ending to my story. Either my writing skills have diminished, or you ladies were so into your own men that you didn’t need me. I hope you got your chrome polished well.

I had my Bi-annual (every two year) interview with my old friends on Friday. I guess I began to realize that they really don’t care too much about me anymore. My first few interviews were with an army of senior investigators, professional shrinks and armed guards. It sort of made me feel important. But on Friday it was a lady agent right out of college.

She asked the typical questions before I finally asked if she had any idea why she was interviewing me. She looked up at me and said, “Don’t know Pop’s, but I guess you used to be somebody. Now do you mind, I’m in a hurry” How fast we fall, right. They did send me to the shrink again. It was just a lot of Blah, blah, blah. I was completely done in one hour and 37 minutes.

Oh and guess what, I have anger issues. GO FIGURE!!!!

Lovely Girl is still on my list of contacts, so you may get a call for an interview. No one else is.

My sister called me this weekend to tell me she again watched the movie “Varsity Blues” with James Vanderbeek and Paul Walker. When that movie first came out back in the 90’s she called me immediately to tell me it was definitely me and my buddies. She was right; it really is a movie about me and my buddies in High School. Every character is matched to someone from my life back then. So, watch it someday and see if you can figure out who I was.

Now for my weekend update. I had a gun pointed at me Friday. I was able to talk my way out of it. But I really don’t know how I always end up in that position.

LL talked to me Thursday and asked me to meet her Friday. She said if I was real nice that she had a nice friend to introduce me to. But LL never made it to work Friday, and I wasn’t driving all the way to her part of town. So we just decided to try another time.

Then Saturday she sends me this text message. I may have mentioned how much I hate text messages because it is so easy to misunderstand things. Well apparently this is the case. I read her text, and I’ve read it a dozen times since. I responded to the message I thought she was sending . . . and she blew a freakin’ gasket.

The next message I got was to never contact her again. Well, that usually means a week but we will see.

Speaking of hating text messages, I think I’ve told you I much prefer face to face chat. But phone chats are the next best thing. And I got to have a 3 hour chat with Banana-rama this weekend. As we were chatting, I realized that it had been a long time since we spoke on a phone, everything is emails and texts. I do speak to Kat weekly, and Lovely girl calls sometimes, usually when she’s pissed though. I can’t call Sunshine. Oh well, sorry ‘Nana, I’ll try to be better.

I also got to text a few times with Sunshine. We’re still not discussing anything of value yet, just the “How are you” and “What’s up” type of messages. But again, it’s baby steps. Oh, and just to make sure everyone knows, Sunshine DOES NOT reply to emails so please stop bugging me about it.

Now aside from having drinks with LL on Friday, I was also invited to visit my SA friend Saturday. But on Friday she informs me that she can’t meet up with me. So I planned on just getting hammered alone, when I figured why not go anyway. I love SA, it’s my old stomping ground. Plus I could use some excellent Mexican Food. So off I go.

Hours later, I check in with the friend. Low and behold, she has some time. But she has been drinking already and sounds a bit rough. She asks for some candy, and I oblige and go ahead and rent a room. She comes in, hits the candy and I walk down the hall to get some ice. When I return she is completely passed out.

I am a jerk, so I did think about just doing her passed out and limp body. But I guess over the years I’ve become more decent that not. So I covered her with a blanket, picked up my stuff and headed back to Houston. So much for my “wild ass sex” weekend. I’m tellin’ you, this “hooker” thing is looking better and better.

Finally, back to today. I mentioned Friday that all of you need to spend your time with someone special to you today. As for me, I love the concept of today; but I hate the day itself. You see everyone says “Happy Valentine’s Day”, and that is sweet. But in my opinion, it is a day to ask someone to be your Valentine. It should be someone you care about, not just a drinking friend. And for 50 straight years I have not been asked, nor asked anyone.

Hmmm, maybe that’s why I have anger issues.

I did send one card out this year. But, other than this page you won’t hear from me today. Enjoy your day, enjoy your Valentine, and we will chat again starting Tuesday.

My Journal 085

[I told someone I would keep the Valentine story clean. Sorry, when I give my word I stick to it. So I won’t finish it here. You can just assume “AND THEY LIVED HAPPILLY EVER AFTER” or you can email me at Illogical69@live.com and I will send you the real ending to your Valentine’s story.]

Ok, time for the Valentine’s edition of the Friday Shout outs.

Banana-rama – BIG KISS! You are definitely the best and I can’t wait for the Pork Chops and High Heels.

Lovely Girl – BIG LICK (J)! You don’t need to worry about me. Just send me more topless pictures and I’ll be fine.

LL – BIG HUG you HMPOA (I’ll leave that to the imagination) I love having you nearby again!

Now, on to today’s lesson.

An employee’s last day was yesterday. I had offered an “Exit Interview” and I was taken up on my offer. That interview prompted today’s journal.

Wouldn’t it be GREAT if life was like a job?

When you want someone in our life to fill a void, you could take out an advertisement. It could be for anything at all; a friend, a romantic partner, a sex partner, or anything. People would respond to this advertisement and you would select certain responses that you fancy to come by for an interview.

I would suggest never sending pictures, just like in business. I would rather hear someone speak than see a picture. I know that everyone uses Facebook and MySpace to share pictures, and I don’t use either. But if I did I wouldn’t look at other people’s pictures. I would rather get to know them from communicating with them first; but that’s just me.

You would interview the prospective candidates and pick the one that you believe is most suited to the role you require. Once you select, and if they accept, then you have a relationship starting. You could give them a policy and procedure book at that moment. By doing this, they now know the rules of being in a relationship with you.

You all know my Policy and Procedures already.

1. Like me.

2. Make time for me.

3. Be completely honest with me.

I don’t know, but to me my personal rules seem very simple. Yet you would be amazed how many people can’t seem to follow any of these and still want to be in a relationship with me. But I digress.

And yes, you could pick the wrong person occasionally. It happens. But you would learn from your selection mistakes and make better choices the next time. You could learn how to better spot someone that is “fluffing” or the more common word . . . deceiving. Even I have been fooled into believing some people. But I learn from those people too. I learn when NOT to believe.

During the relationship you could have scheduled performance reviews as a requirement to the original agreement. This is where the two of you make time to sit down together and discuss everything that has happened, good or bad. You could also discuss new goals or objectives and give constructive criticism. Then both people would know exactly what it takes to move the relationship forward in a positive fashion.

THEN (and to me this is the most important advantage), when or if the relationship dissolves you could have an exit interview.

I consider this the most important part of this fantasy about relationships, and YES IT IS ONLY A FANTASY. I’ve seen how easy it is to begin a relationship. To me it is easy because when we first meet someone we are sort of excited, like when we get that new job. In the beginning of every relationship there is a lot of communication. We tell the other person everything, we call and send messages constantly, it all pours out like a broken faucet. I think that is why relationships are so easy to start.

Yet in most cases the relationship dissolves. I believe that this is 100% due to a complete breakdown in the communication that you once shared. One or both people quit communicating (I’m so busy, I’ve been out of town, I needed to be with my family, etc) And in all the instances I have had, I really had no idea what I may have done wrong, what changed, or why the communication ceased.

So a required exit interview would be to uncover all this information. The person could tell you what you may have done wrong, and give you a chance to explain, clarify or rectify. You could tell them what you felt went wrong and give them a chance to explain, clarify or rectify also. Now, in all honesty, I believe that if this exit interview occurs then the rate of relationships dissolving would be reduced drastically. I mean if you start a relationship with someone then you obviously saw something in them that interested you. I doubt that initial “main thing” really went away. It probably just got lost.

So by having the exit interview you can accomplish two major goals. First, you would have to re-establish communication. I would say that 9 times out of 10 this simple process would salvage a relationship destined for the trash heap. Second, you could learn what if anything you are doing wrong. You could hear how you gave a bad impression or led someone to believe something. I believe that in most cases both people would remember why they began the relationship in the first place. And maybe they could then see that whatever it was that caused them to have this exit interview was not NEARLY as important as the person sitting across from them at that precise moment.

Alas, it’s just a fantasy though. In reality we just have a big fight and never speak again or we just slowly drift apart. That is the unfortunate reality. It’s happened to me a thousand times, and it’s happening to me today. Geez, what I would give to have an exit interview process today.

Oh well, like I said IT IS JUST A FANTASY.

Ok, so this weekend is the infamous Valentine’s weekend. Everyone “snuggles up” with someone they love. Gifts are exchanged, kisses are shared, and romance abounds. I love holidays where the main goal is to get someone naked.

So do me a favor. Each of you right now are seeing in your mind a certain someone that YOU would like to snuggle with for Valentine’s Eve. It could be someone with which you are currently in a relationship. It could be someone that you haven’t gotten close to yet. Or it could be someone with which you currently want to have an exit interview.

Whoever that person is . . . . go to them. Telling someone that you love them and being rejected is truly painful. But not telling someone how you feel, and losing them while maybe they felt the same way, is far more painful. This is the free pass weekend anyway. So go do it!

I definitely know who is on my mind, and I know exactly the two words I would say to them. But I’m too much of an “I’M ALLWAYS RIGHT” type of a person so I won’t do shit. DON’T BE ME!!!

I hope that you all get roses, chocolates, wine, candles, kisses, back massages, and all the romance (or sex) that you desire this weekend. Be with the one that loves you, make up with the one with which your arguing, go to that one person that you secretly desire. Throw caution to the wind and do what is best for you.

As for me, I’m going a different route this year. I’ve screwed up too many relationships to have a Valentine. I prefer people that know what they want, and take it when it’s in front of them. I like people that don’t play games and have the guts to be honest. So I will visit someone that has made it clear they don’t want a friendship or a relationship. They know specifically what they want. That makes my life easy, and I could use a weekend of EASY!

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY LADIES. I do love all of you! Just don’t think about me when your legs are in the air and you’re clutching the headboard this weekend.

Well, maybe once would be alright. (Hehehehe)

My Journal 084

A Valentine’s Day Surprise

Did she just ask me to be her Valentine?

Wow, this night is going so different that he had thought. He was simply sneaking in for a quick peek at the woman he secretly loves. He was comfortable just knowing that she is safe and happy. But now he is sitting with her, she is buying him drinks and directing him to check out her new heels, and her breasts . . . oops, I mean her necklace; and now she has her hand on his hand and could be asking him to be her Valentine.

She looks so incredible in this light. Her skin glistens, her eyes sparkle, and her perfume soaks his senses. He remembers their moments together; holding her in his arms, caressing her body, the taste of her soft skin and the emotions she brings to life inside of him.

REMAIN CALM SCOTTY BOY!

He collected his thoughts for a moment and finally came upon an answer.

“Well Becca, since I’m not seeing anyone special, and since it is only fate that brought us together here tonight (He chuckles to himself) then I would be honored to have you as my Valentine if you want to be.”

Ok, he had put it out there. He had made the big commitment. He had either set himself up for appearing to be a prince charming or the butt of her jokes for the next calendar year. He looked directly into her brown eyes, trying to anticipate her response. It had been less than a second, but father time had shut down in his world. He felt her squeeze the top of his hand and . . .

“I would love to be your Valentine Scott!”

Those words damn near sent him off into outer space. He saw fireworks in his mind, like the biggest 4^th of July show anyone could ever imagine. His heart was racing so fast that if he was hooked up to a heart monitor the doctors would be injecting him with all kinds of stuff to slow it down. This was one of those moments in life a person never forgets.

Moments like this are few and far between. Some people never get to have one. Some people never realize that it is happening. But not him. He knows that this moment will be etched in his soul for an eternity. He knows that even as he parades around in heaven many years from now, that this moment will still be as fresh in his heart as it is now.

Maybe that is what love really is.

“Sure Becca” he managed to mouth the words, “But can I ask you something?”

Where in the hell did that come from? He was all primed and set to spend Valentine’s Eve with the most amazing, beautiful and sexy woman he ever met. He was sitting with the woman he romanced in his mind daily. He was in a moment, a moment that he was controlling. It was a moment that he could make last for hours; or an eternity.

How in the heck did those words slip out? He suddenly felt like such a fuck up.

He watched as her expression changed slightly. She went from extremely confidant to mildly confused. He just may have ruined everything . . . again! His heart plummeted to the floor in anticipation. He thought about some other stupid question he could ask like, “So why did your dad pick those shoes?” But even though he knew he had screwed up, part of him (a tiny part DEEP inside of him) was cheering the position he was in right now.

She leaned in towards him, he guessed so she could hear his question clearly.

“Ask me anything.” Was her reply.

He panicked for a moment. He again contemplated his position, remembering how he had screwed this up once before. He remembered all the pain and agony that he had suffered through before. He definitely couldn’t survive a second screw up of that magnitude. A mere 5 minutes ago he never would have considered asking this question. He never would have imagined being in this position either.

Yet the question was out there.

But he also thought that he may never have this chance again. He figured that this was his one chance to “swing for the fence” as opposed to taking the pitch and always wondering what if. He suddenly couldn’t figure out why the word LOVE is such a difficult word to share. Everyone loves, and everyone wants to be loved. So why couldn’t people share this word to describe their emotions without being scoffed at and ridiculed? But he had to ask it in the right way. He had to give himself a loop hole to get out if it all blows up in his face. . again.

“Becca, I came here tonight just to have a quick drink (Yes, he was still lying) and yet I ran into you. My first instinct was to run and hide because of what happened the last time we talked. I didn’t think you ever wanted to talk to me again. So I guess my question is did something change or was I just mistaken?”

The mildly confused look on her face turned into more of a concerned look instantly. His emotions were at a peak. It was as if his entire well being hinged on the next words to come out of her mouth. And suddenly, that little part deep inside of him was hiding. He had wanted to know, but now he worried that it may have been a mistake. And with every beat of his heart this fear grew. Fortunately his heart was beating at a thousand beats a second, so time wasn’t really ticking away as fast as he felt it was.

She reached out her other hand, slipping it underneath his and locking her fingers in his hand. She leaned closer towards him and gently kissed his cheek.

“Why don’t we just enjoy tonight right now? I promise to answer your question tomorrow. But for tonight, let’s just forget the past year and enjoy what we used to have. Maybe we can find it again?” She whispered.

It wasn’t an admission of love on her part, but it was an invitation for something. He placed his free hand on her cheek and softly kissed her lips. It reminded him of the passionate and sensuous kisses that they had shared in the past. It was romantic, sweet and the perfectly gentle Valentine’s kiss.

But it apparently wasn’t enough for her. As he began to pull back, she released his hand and grabbed the back of his head, pulling him back to her lips. The moment their lips met her tongue slid past his lips and began searching his mouth. His tongue met hers as he turned his head to the side and kissed her deeply. He still had one hand on her face, and he had moved the other cautiously to her thigh.

She lowered one of her hands, finding his hand on her lap, and sliding it slowly up her thigh. Her dress slid up with his hand. He went from fearful to completely aroused in a flash. She moaned quietly as his hand maneuvered higher up her thigh.

But he remembered that he was in a public place, and this definitely wasn’t the time or place for this type of behavior. He slowly ended their kiss without moving his face from in front of hers. He wrapped both arms around her and slowly opened his eyes to meet hers gazing back at him.

“I think I’d like to be alone with you, is that ok?” she whispered.

“Sure” he answered, “I know a quiet Chinese place nearby where we can have a private dinner together.”

She smiled amusingly at him. “I’m seriously not interested in dinner tonight. I am interested in being with you . . . . alone . . . . and getting wild like we never have before.”

He heard every word. She didn’t say that she wanted to be with “just anyone”. She specifically said that she wanted to be with HIM. Then another thought hit him! She said she “wanted to get wild”. He was so aroused at this moment. But in an instant he began thinking about his wants and needs. Yes, he definitely would enjoy “getting wild” with her. But he feared it would make him want more, the whole “kit and caboodle” so to speak.

Was this an offer for a new type of relationship? He could happily share his body with her for one night, but would he be able to let her walk away without sharing his life? Would he be able to down shift from a night of romance, pleasure and passion to simply being her buddy tomorrow? Should he discuss this with her now?

Gosh he needed to get laid!

He took her hand in his as he stepped off of the bar stool.

“I know just the right place” he replied, “So let’s go make this Valentine’s Eve memorable!”

They walked out the door side by side with her head on his shoulder as they gazed at each other.

To Be Continued

Ummm, obviously this story is now becoming a little sexual. I haven’t decided yet if I will post this or just ask you to contact me for an email copy. I did promise someone I'd keep it clean. Tune in tomorrow for further instructions.