Veterans Day

Today is Veterans Day. Today I wear my special forces pin and will ask that Sunshine wears hers. No writing today, just remember those that have sacrificed so you can be exactly as you are today, and do the things you want.

I'm not a veteran, but I was there. God Bless America!

My Journal 048

I hear that the position that you sleep in is supposed to tell something about you. I seriously doubt that to be true, but I love interesting crap like this. So how do you sleep and what do you wear?

Ok, I’ll go first.

As far as attire goes, it sort of depends on whether I’ve been drinking or not. On a “normal” night I have a large pair of gym shorts that I wear. I’ve never been able to wear a top or socks and still sleep. Actually, I can sleep best with nothing. But I have this strange fear of having to jump out of bed and dash out doors to prevent vandalism or theft. I just don’t think running out the door naked would scare . . . .

Well crap, maybe seeing me run out a door in the middle of the night naked would scare most people.

Anyway, it’s usually gym shorts. But if I’ve been drinking it could be my jeans or my boxers. Lord knows, sometimes after drinking I fall asleep driving home. Stripping is not as important then.

The second point of note is that I PREFER sleeping in a warm environment (Have I mentioned I hate the cold?) So my perfect sleeping environment is a warm night, window open, and on top of the covers. Now here is the weirder thing. Even if it is cold, and I have 20 blankets on top of me, my feet have to be uncovered. I don’t know why, I just can’t sleep with my feet covered.

Finally, I don’t require much sleep. Three or four hours a night usually suits me. Now I will take a few 10 minute “snoozes” during the day. But as far as sleep it is rare that I sleep for longer than 4 hours.

Ok, now on to the position that I sleep in.

I have had a broken neck, and I have three broken vertebrae in my lower back. So EVERY night my first position is on my stomach, feet hanging off the bed, pillow resting under my chest and chin. Odd huh?

As soon as I hit this position, I feel my body aligning. Apparently during the day the back and neck compress. So I lie in this position and absolutely love the feeling of everything aligning again. I can’t even begin to describe how good this feels, but trust me when I say it is AWESOME.

Now, if I stay in this position all night it actually begins to create more problems. So usually around an hour later I roll over on my back, with the pillow under my head. That is where I stay until I awake.

I can’t sleep on my side at all. I have broken my left wrist, forearm, and elbow. Also, I have a piece of bone missing from my left shoulder. It is the piece that holds the shoulder in its position. When I end up on my left side, my shoulder will come out of its socket. So whoever is near me gets to observe me walking around trying to knock it back in place.

On the ride side of my body I have had three fractured ribs, a broken hip, a broken collar bone and a fracture on the right side of my tailbone. So if I roll over onto my right side I have pretty good pain that begins, enough to wake me up at least.

Have I mentioned that I have had 32 broken bones?

I have no idea what all that means other than I have had a VERY active and exciting life. Yet I deal with a lot of pain on a regular basis. So you can read up and tell me about me based on my sleep positions.

AND . . .

Since you know me and you know I hate to bore people, I’ll expand my sleeping activities chat to include . . .

Yup, you guessed it . . . . SEX.

First and foremost I must share that anytime, anyplace, and any position works for me. That being said, I actually enjoy a lot of variety in the location selection. Being a guy, and knowing that I think about it most of the day, I constantly catch myself somewhere thinking to myself, “Wow, look at that spot. If she would get into this position; and I was in that position . . . “

I know. I’m weird. And truthfully about half of my “ideas” don’t work out like I had imagined. But I do try them, and when they do work it’s really different and way cool. I mean, no complaints yet.

Yes, I will get back to the bed portion of this topic.

You see, I prefer being on my feet during a hot “whoopee session”. I don’t know why, maybe it’s the athlete in me. You know, we always have to stay on our feet during a BIG PLAY. So attacking from behind while my partner is leaning over a couch, a chair or something is my preference.

Umm, excuse me for about 5 minutes please.

Ok, I’m back now (and much more relaxed). Anyway, beds work too.

Again, if I have a preference I am a morning person. To this day, every morning when I wake I look like a 16 year old punk virgin waking from a good dream. Ya know what I mean? So the first thing in the morning would be my preference. I enjoy the control of being on top (Yes, I’m a control freak), but I also very much like to watch while lying on my back. Yes, I am very visual.

I don’t EVER do bondage or handcuffs. That goes back to my 10 days of horror in Africa, which I’ve hinted about before. Again, I don’t share those stories but maybe someone will get close enough someday to get me to share. But trust me, I won’t be bound again. Sorry.

Now it is your turn.

I’m waiting?!?!?

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

Oh, just email it to me. I’ll read it tomorrow morning. (Hehe)

My Journal 047

I was wondering this weekend if I write too much. I wonder if perhaps I should just post one topic a week. My problem is that these ideas come at me so fast that I would end up with 20-30 topics sitting on my computer. That would frustrate me immensely. So for now I will continue to put up what I am currently thinking. You can read at your convenience I guess. But if you feel it is too many to keep up with . . . . Just holler.

I finally got past that “romantic” thing I was in. I don’t know where it came from, but it was really fun while it lasted. It was about three days long, and that never happened to me before. Oh well, I hope I didn’t bore you to tears.

Most of you have kids or have been around young kids. So you have probably heard me state more than once, “I’m not so good with babies”. Don’t get me wrong, I can keep one alive. And I can deal with toddlers alright. But I am better as kids get older. Or so I always thought. That is until my lovely niece made a comment to me. We’ll get to that in a minute.

Let me tell you about my niece. First, she came up with my nickname . . . “COOL DUDE”. What can I say? Second, she gets ANYTHING that she wants from me. Seriously, I’d burn down someone’s house if she mentioned it. Third, in exchange for me doing anything for her, we have developed a few rules between us.

My niece is the only female of all the “youngins”. There are nothing but boys in the family, and about 12 of them. Yet here sits my princess. You would probably think that she can get her way with everyone since she is the only girl. But the family, being a bunch of country guys, is more into hunting, fishing, camping, rodeos, etc. My niece sort of has drifted in a different direction and none of the other guys know how to handle it.

Don’t get me wrong here. I’ve done the hunting and fishing thing. And you should know by now that I rode rodeo for a long time, and have many broken bones to prove it. But for these guys all the male activities are more for fun that sport. My old man raised me different. When we went hunting he had rules (now you know where I get them from). No alcohol was allowed, you never drink while carrying a weapon. No shots taken from under a half mile. If you want to kill something that close, we carried a bow. Only take neck shots. Only shoot what you can eat.

Oh, there was more. But the point is that hunting as a kid for me was business. It’s sort of hard now to get back to thinking of it as a fun time.

I know, I know . . . my niece. We are getting there, patience.

Basically, I am the relative that hangs out with her. She knows not to make me do tea parties and I know not to play football with her. We find a medium. Now every parent ALWAYS says that their kids are beautiful. But let’s be serious here, most kids are ugly. I mean really, can’t you look at a 5 year old and already tell the poor sap won’t get laid until maybe 40 or something?

The point is my niece is definitely not one of those. She is beautiful, and that’s not just from me.  So when we started “hanging out” I told her my rules.

·          No bikinis around me until you are 35.

·          No dating until you are 17, and then only after I have met him (AND APPROVE HIM)

·          No kissing boys until you are 40.

There were more, but you get it, right? The point is she is going to grow up a “hottie” and I want her to know that I care about who she sees, and that I will be there if she ever needs anything; no matter what. I know it sounds silly, but you never know. Maybe someday she will get into trouble and I want her to know I am the one who never judges anyone, I just bring justice with a freakin’ vengeance.

So recently I find out two important facts that I was not aware. One – my niece has a Facebook page. What da??? You know I didn’t do that to her. I don’t do these public social web pages. I prefer the one on one approach. I walk right up to people, I don’t hide behind a computer. And if it weren’t for my Sunshine I wouldn’t be writing on this web page today. Anyway, somehow my niece is on Facebook. Argh!

Two – apparently there is a status section in Facebook where you can enter certain crap. AND . . . on her page it states “IN A RELATIONSHIP”!!!!!!

She’s in the 6^th grade. How in the world can she be in a relationship???? Why would she be in a relationship?

What's wrong with the world? 

So I called her (Yes, she has a cellphone too). While the person is being reached, as the operator states, I find that she has a new ON HOLD song. Some rap crap about “putting you bootie in his face, just so he can win the race”? Argh! Where did I go wrong.

She answers, and as usual I can hear her flapping her eyelashes at me when she speaks. Now she is female, so I know that I am not able to win many arguments with her. So I decide to pick my battle. I ignore the rap song, and the Facebook page, and focus on the “IN A RELATIONSHIP” argument. Keep in mind that this is my baby niece. I was there when she was born. I have been there for EVERY birthday. I have attended EVERY school function and award ceremony. I even helped her when she tried out for cheerleader. Geez!

I bet you think that I forgot about the original topic of me and babies. Be patient, we’ll get there.

So as I am trying to figure out how to approach this relationship topic with her, she (being a female) already figures out that something is amiss. So she attacks first.

“Awww, it’s my FAVORITE uncle COOL DUDE. I can tell something is wrong. Come on, tell your only niece what’s on your mind”

That is not freakin’ fair. She can’t be like one of you. How could she have already learned how to play me for a fool? I start to begin the discussion on her relationship status. She stops me cold by laughing at me!

She tells me that she isn’t in a relationship. She put that on her page to make the cute guys jealous and to keep the ugly guys away. (Hmmm, where have I heard that before Sunshine?) At this point I have lost all composure. She is just laughing at me too.

Finally, when all hope is lost; she bails me out like a good niece.

“COOL DUDE, you know I love you!”

Damn, that girl knows my buttons.

“And you know that I need you so much”

She is really good with the BS.

“You are my FAVORITE and I would never do anything bad, you know that right?”

Ok, she wins.

So I just tell again how I worry about her, and mention my inability to deal with children. That is when she makes the comment.

She tells me that I am wrong (Go figure, a female telling a male he is wrong). She tells me that I am better with kids than anyone she knows. She tells me that I don’t “baby” kids; and that I treat them like people. She said kids notice that stuff, and are drawn to that person.

Hmmm?

Kids do like me even though they bug me. So maybe my 6^th grade niece has a grasp on a good thought. I don’t know, I still am picturing her in that rap video.

So, I guess now you can feel safe if you need me to babysit your kids. I already knew I would keep them alive. But now according to my niece, kids love me. So if you need a babysitter some evening, just give me a call as I am curious to find out the truth.

Just remember that when you get back, and are tipsy, you OWE ME A HUGE FAVOR!

Ummmm!

Have a great day!

Do You Know?

Do you know?

Do you know how much that I miss you

And how much I really do care

Do you know all the things that I’d do today

Just to again touch your soft hair

Do you know how much that I want you

And need you to be here with me

Do you know how sad that my life has been

Without having your sweet smile to see

Do you know how much that I need you

To simply get me though each day

Do you know and remember how to find me

If there’s ever a word you want to say

Do you know how often I think of

Those wonderful moments we shared

Do you know that I still can see you

You're smiling on that night that you dared

Do you know that no one will replace you

No matter how hard that I try

Do you know you stole my heart that night

And without it I surely will die

Do you know that I saved all your pictures

And look at them quietly at night

Do you know that I make sweet love with you

Alone by the shimmering moon light

Do you know that I remember your sweet scent

And that sexy little way that you walk

Do you know I still hear that gasp that you make

When we’re alone and decided not to talk

Do you know I still feel your soft breasts

With your body pressed close up to mine

Do you know that you still get me excited

Oh my god girl, you are so fine.

~ BUT ~

Do you know that I can’t live forever

And that our time is ticking away

Do you know that we’re wasting a lifetime

And allowing our love to decay

Do you know that I really do love you

And am sorry more each and every day

Do you know that I really do need you

You’re the one that I don’t want to get away.

Do you know that I’d do just what ever

To make all this right and to show

That now that you know all these feelings

Will you give us one more chance to grow????

My Journal 046

When I was a kid, I think 5 or 6 years old, for Christmas one year I got a great toy. My folks didn’t have much money, so we always had to order something out of the Sears catalog. I always thought it was so that we could see what it is, but actually it was so my parents could pay for Christmas over many months. So we each got to pick 1 toy.

On this Christmas I asked for a model aircraft carrier. And on Christmas morning it was there. It had a switch that turned on a battery powered motor, so the boat would roll across the floor and sound alarms. It had a catapult to launch 5 little planes. It had cannons with 6 rubber shells. And it launched depth charges off of the back. Wow, I loved that Aircraft Carrier.

Well, for a while.

One day I thought to myself that if I put my Aircraft Carrier in the tub, then I could be like a REAL sailor and launch aircraft at sea. What a marvelous idea I had. So I fill the bathtub, and place my Aircraft Carrier in the water. I was so darn excited.

It sunk.

Ok, even at that young age I was a persistent little punk. And I wanted my Aircraft Carrier to float. So first I thought that maybe it sunk as a fluke. I retrieved it from the bottom of the tub, dried it off real well, and tried again. Hmmm, same result.

I had to modify this Aircraft Carrier. I wanted it to float. Over the next week I tried duct tape over every opening, balsa wood for a new bottom, balloons underneath the boat and sink caulk. Nothing worked, and the boat kept sinking.

I began to understand the concept of futility. My Aircraft Carrier was not built to float. It was built to roll around the floor. No matter what I did or who I asked for help, my Aircraft Carrier would never float.

Futility.

I also learned something about myself during this debacle. You see, I loved that Aircraft Carrier when I saw it. It was everything that the advertisement said it was. It was exactly what I wanted and needed. But then I got this crazy idea, and the next thing I know I don’t like my Aircraft Carrier anymore. My goals had changed, and my toy didn’t measure up to my standards.

I placed it in the closet and it sat there until we moved from that house. I never played with my Aircraft Carrier again.

Looking back on this moment today, I want to assure you that I have no regrets for wanting my Aircraft Carrier to float. I mean that is what I am. I see something and I want more. My standards are high, but they are my standards. If successful, I share with everyone my jubilation. But if unsuccessful, I cope with the failure in silence.

I’ve always wanted to be the best, to have the best, and to accomplish more. I never felt that this made me a bad person. Sure, I ended up with a closet full of crap I used to love, and eventually abandoned. But I also ended up with a life full of unbelievable accomplishments. I found ways to make most of my “Aircraft Carriers” float.

I guess what I am saying is wanting more from life isn’t a bad thing. You have to be able to deal with the results. But trying for more means you sometimes get more. I would hate to be thought of as someone that just accepted things as they are. And I don’t think you would expect any less of me either.

The next Christmas I asked for a GI JOE.

I love ya’ll!

My Journal 045

If you woke up tomorrow morning and you were told it would be your last day, what would you do?

I know that thousands of people pose that question constantly, and I am sure you’ve thought about it. But when people respond out loud to this they still know that it’s just a fantasy question and not a reality. So their response will still be directed towards their own self motivation.

Common responses are:

·          I’d go see my best friend.

·          I’d call my parents.

·          I’d spend every second with my kids.

·          I’d rush out and do that one risky thing I’ve never done before.

Instead of telling me what you would do, think to yourself and find out what you would really do if it was real. Don’t worry about perceptions or what others would think because it will just be you alone in your head. We’re playing a game today, and there is a point in the end.

What would you do?

I’m the same way. If I were to write what I would do it would be stuff I would like to do, but also stuff that would make people remember me. It’s public opinion, right? But in my mind I know exactly what I would do. I just don’t share it.

So why is that?

It’s the ultimate deadline. It would be final and immovable. You wouldn’t have time to book a flight or drive across the country. It’s a question about you. People say that they believe in this or don’t believe in that. But if it was your last day I believe all your goals would change.

Are you imagining it in your head?

Let’s take it one step farther. Everyone joins hands as we’re walking . . . walking.

Suppose you are told that today is your last day. Yet you are confined in some way. You have no access to phones, vehicles, or even the outdoors. You are completely confined and alone. Now what do you do?

No one will ever know what you do on this one last day. No one will know what you are thinking while you do it. You can’t reach out to say good bye to anyone. Are you thinking about it?

Solitude and confinement are your final thoughts. But you are granted a gift. Since this is a fantasy, let’s say that your gift is that you can have a 1 hour chat with anyone you know or have known. Whether this person is living or dead, as long as it is someone that you know then you can have one hour with them. You can pick THE ONE person that you want most in life to speak with one last time.

Who would you pick and what would you say?

Or would you just listen?

Have you thought of someone?

Now, let’s go another step. Let’s say that in exchange for this gift of speaking with anyone for one hour, you would have to give up two hours of your time. Would you still accept the gift? Is the person you picked to spend an hour with on your final day, which no one will know about, worth losing two hours of your life?

What if it cost you three hours?

Would you be willing to trade time, time that is now measurable, time that is now your most valuable asset, for a chance to see and speak with one person one last time?

What would you do?

So, let’s take one final step. I will assume that you would still pick someone to be with for one hour, even if it costs you three hours of your remaining life. But they will leave before your final second. Assume one final deal is made. Assume that you are offered to have this one person (that you picked to be with you on your last day for one hour) to be with you for your last second.

So the hour you get to spend with them will include them being there with you in your last moments. You will not leave this world alone. You will have someone there to hold you, comfort you, tend to you and cry for you. But as usual there is a cost.

You have already given up three hours of your life to have them there for an hour. Would you agree to three more hours of the worst torture you can imagine just having them holding you in your last moment? This one person, the person you choose over everyone else you have ever known can be with you in your final moment.

Would it be worth the pain and suffering?

Well folks, this is the best way that I can think of to define LOVE. I am 100% convinced that everyone would give up time in their lives to spend time with someone. I am certain that when it is love, then there would be no question as to how much suffering you would endure just to have them holding you in the end.

“If two people truly love each other, but just can’t seem to get it together; when is it time to say enough is enough?”

A line I heard in a movie once. My immediate response was “Never”. I asked 5 more people and each response was the same. Love is love, and there is no limits.

Love is about what you are willing to give up for someone else. It has nothing to do with looks, sex, personality, or any of that. It has to do with you and what you feel inside. It has to do with what makes you feel safe, secure, comfortable, and cared about.

And please note that it really has nothing to do with what this other person feels. I never said it had to be someone that you KNEW would want to be there. Instead I said to pick someone that you wanted to be there. I asked you who you would pick, not who you think would want to be picked.

You can love someone who does not feel that way about you. Yes it is possible. Love is not a two Way Street even though everyone seems to think so. This is why people are so afraid to use the word “love” when referring to the person they would pick.

Again, it’s public perception.

You have been programmed to believe that saying, “I LOVE YOU” is a bad thing. You are warned and frightened for you entire life that if the person doesn’t love you then you will be embarrassed or ridiculed. So you keep your feelings inside and develop a persona that protects you from the evils of ridicule and pain. That is just not right, and I can prove it.

Let’s say that you are notified (Hey it’s a fantasy so I have no idea how you would know) that you are the person that I have asked to be with me in the last moments of my life. You are told that I have given up three hours of my life for you to be there, and I have agreed to three more hours of horrible pain just to have you there when it’s time. You are the one I have chosen.

Out of everyone I know, or have met, or have just seen in my life; you are the one I chose. It would seem to be obvious to you that I love you and want you with me one last time. Also, I would assume it is obvious that you don’t feel the same way for me. All of this is obvious.

Would you say no?

After this is over, would you call your friends and have a good laugh?

Would you feel bad about being the one I chose?

I am not you, but I would guess that given this scenario EVERYONE would give a resounding “NO” answer to the three questions above. People don’t mind that someone loves them. It is the highest honor someone can give. Even if I was not the person that you would have chosen if the table were turned, you would still be there . . . because you are loved. And EVERYONE wants to be loved.

So, if this is true then why is there this awkward stigma surrounding the concept of love?

Maybe it’s due to the avoidance of pain. Yes, love comes with a few side effects. One of these can be pain. You can profess your love, and the person you profess to love may not love you back.

Are you any worse off?

Or maybe they profess their love for you. It’s magical! You love someone that in return loves you. But then days, or weeks, or even years later something happens and they leave. They probably still love you, and you may know this. But they leave you.

Are you any worse off than you were before?

You got time with them. And even right now that time is measurable and your most valuable asset. People, we are all on a time clock and it is ticking away right now. Wasn’t a day, or a week, or a year of being loved worth it? Isn’t that feeling of being held by that one person worth any price at the moment they are holding you?

So why the stigma?

Love exists. Love is real. Each of you is passionately loved by someone right now. Wouldn’t you want to know who? Each of you may love someone right now. Shouldn’t they know too?

Why wait until your final moments to realize all of this?

Go out and love someone! Trust me, it’s ok.

My Journal 044

Sometimes the pictures and thoughts in my head become “overly concerning”. I was told that this would happen by the shrink that cleared me to come back to normal life. He told me when this happens to think of things that make me smile.

This is the list I have been using for years.

·          Leaning on a fence in the country on a sunny day gazing out at the landscape.

·          Puppies playing together.

·          Sitting on a secluded beach listening to the waves.

·          Gazing at a full moon and pretending that someone is gazing at it too, and thinking of me.

·          Watching a football game.

·          Enjoying a good movie.

·          Talking to my grandfather.

·          Being told that someone special needs me.

·          Sipping wine by a roaring fire on a cold night.

·          Spring showers.

·          Soft, passionate kisses.

·          Listening to smooth Jazz music.

·          Feeling appreciated for just being.

·          Giving a gift to a special friend.

·          Standing on the top deck of a cruise ship with the wind blowing past me.

·          A really good steak.

·          Picturing the woman in my dreams.

·          Being asked for a hug.

·          Road trips with the windows down and the music up.

·          Trusting someone completely.

·          Holding hands.

·          Laughing at a good joke.

·          The first cold beer on a hot day.

·          The scent of romance.

·          Apple Fritters.

·          Children on Christmas morning.

·          Feeling that I would be missed.

OK, today’s question to ponder is this one. Would a lesbian woman and a gay guy be attracted to each other and make a perfect couple?

Now, I did receive a comment finally (Thanks Bananarama). The comment was questioning why the female had to cater to the guy, as my journal was explaining. The truth is that a female does not have to cater to the male. The point was if you want him, this was something you could do to improve your situation.

Actually I would love to explain to you what the guy should do to win and / or keep the female’s heart. If I could do that then I would have reached a point where I understood women. And if I could ever do that I would be a GOD!

Unfortunately I really don’t get anything about women. I don’t get the signals, signs, comments, anything. I am soooooo stupid when it comes to women. So I am completely unable to explain how a guy could get and / or keep a woman interested.

Sorry Bananarama.

Finally, today is Monica Lewinski’s birthday. She is all grown up now. Awww, doesn’t it seem like just yesterday she was on her knees crawling around the oval office putting everything in her mouth?

(Hehehe)

Geez I NEED to get laid!