I was wondering this weekend if I write too much. I wonder if perhaps I should just post one topic a week. My problem is that these ideas come at me so fast that I would end up with 20-30 topics sitting on my computer. That would frustrate me immensely. So for now I will continue to put up what I am currently thinking. You can read at your convenience I guess. But if you feel it is too many to keep up with . . . . Just holler.
I finally got past that “romantic” thing I was in. I don’t know where it came from, but it was really fun while it lasted. It was about three days long, and that never happened to me before. Oh well, I hope I didn’t bore you to tears.
Most of you have kids or have been around young kids. So you have probably heard me state more than once, “I’m not so good with babies”. Don’t get me wrong, I can keep one alive. And I can deal with toddlers alright. But I am better as kids get older. Or so I always thought. That is until my lovely niece made a comment to me. We’ll get to that in a minute.
Let me tell you about my niece. First, she came up with my nickname . . . “COOL DUDE”. What can I say? Second, she gets ANYTHING that she wants from me. Seriously, I’d burn down someone’s house if she mentioned it. Third, in exchange for me doing anything for her, we have developed a few rules between us.
My niece is the only female of all the “youngins”. There are nothing but boys in the family, and about 12 of them. Yet here sits my princess. You would probably think that she can get her way with everyone since she is the only girl. But the family, being a bunch of country guys, is more into hunting, fishing, camping, rodeos, etc. My niece sort of has drifted in a different direction and none of the other guys know how to handle it.
Don’t get me wrong here. I’ve done the hunting and fishing thing. And you should know by now that I rode rodeo for a long time, and have many broken bones to prove it. But for these guys all the male activities are more for fun that sport. My old man raised me different. When we went hunting he had rules (now you know where I get them from). No alcohol was allowed, you never drink while carrying a weapon. No shots taken from under a half mile. If you want to kill something that close, we carried a bow. Only take neck shots. Only shoot what you can eat.
Oh, there was more. But the point is that hunting as a kid for me was business. It’s sort of hard now to get back to thinking of it as a fun time.
I know, I know . . . my niece. We are getting there, patience.
Basically, I am the relative that hangs out with her. She knows not to make me do tea parties and I know not to play football with her. We find a medium. Now every parent ALWAYS says that their kids are beautiful. But let’s be serious here, most kids are ugly. I mean really, can’t you look at a 5 year old and already tell the poor sap won’t get laid until maybe 40 or something?
The point is my niece is definitely not one of those. She is beautiful, and that’s not just from me. So when we started “hanging out” I told her my rules.
· No bikinis around me until you are 35.
· No dating until you are 17, and then only after I have met him (AND APPROVE HIM)
· No kissing boys until you are 40.
There were more, but you get it, right? The point is she is going to grow up a “hottie” and I want her to know that I care about who she sees, and that I will be there if she ever needs anything; no matter what. I know it sounds silly, but you never know. Maybe someday she will get into trouble and I want her to know I am the one who never judges anyone, I just bring justice with a freakin’ vengeance.
So recently I find out two important facts that I was not aware. One – my niece has a Facebook page. What da??? You know I didn’t do that to her. I don’t do these public social web pages. I prefer the one on one approach. I walk right up to people, I don’t hide behind a computer. And if it weren’t for my Sunshine I wouldn’t be writing on this web page today. Anyway, somehow my niece is on Facebook. Argh!
Two – apparently there is a status section in Facebook where you can enter certain crap. AND . . . on her page it states “IN A RELATIONSHIP”!!!!!!
She’s in the 6th grade. How in the world can she be in a relationship???? Why would she be in a relationship?
What's wrong with the world?
So I called her (Yes, she has a cellphone too). While the person is being reached, as the operator states, I find that she has a new ON HOLD song. Some rap crap about “putting you bootie in his face, just so he can win the race”? Argh! Where did I go wrong.
She answers, and as usual I can hear her flapping her eyelashes at me when she speaks. Now she is female, so I know that I am not able to win many arguments with her. So I decide to pick my battle. I ignore the rap song, and the Facebook page, and focus on the “IN A RELATIONSHIP” argument. Keep in mind that this is my baby niece. I was there when she was born. I have been there for EVERY birthday. I have attended EVERY school function and award ceremony. I even helped her when she tried out for cheerleader. Geez!
I bet you think that I forgot about the original topic of me and babies. Be patient, we’ll get there.
So as I am trying to figure out how to approach this relationship topic with her, she (being a female) already figures out that something is amiss. So she attacks first.
“Awww, it’s my FAVORITE uncle COOL DUDE. I can tell something is wrong. Come on, tell your only niece what’s on your mind”
That is not freakin’ fair. She can’t be like one of you. How could she have already learned how to play me for a fool? I start to begin the discussion on her relationship status. She stops me cold by laughing at me!
She tells me that she isn’t in a relationship. She put that on her page to make the cute guys jealous and to keep the ugly guys away. (Hmmm, where have I heard that before Sunshine?) At this point I have lost all composure. She is just laughing at me too.
Finally, when all hope is lost; she bails me out like a good niece.
“COOL DUDE, you know I love you!”
Damn, that girl knows my buttons.
“And you know that I need you so much”
She is really good with the BS.
“You are my FAVORITE and I would never do anything bad, you know that right?”
Ok, she wins.
So I just tell again how I worry about her, and mention my inability to deal with children. That is when she makes the comment.
She tells me that I am wrong (Go figure, a female telling a male he is wrong). She tells me that I am better with kids than anyone she knows. She tells me that I don’t “baby” kids; and that I treat them like people. She said kids notice that stuff, and are drawn to that person.
Hmmm?
Kids do like me even though they bug me. So maybe my 6th grade niece has a grasp on a good thought. I don’t know, I still am picturing her in that rap video.
So, I guess now you can feel safe if you need me to babysit your kids. I already knew I would keep them alive. But now according to my niece, kids love me. So if you need a babysitter some evening, just give me a call as I am curious to find out the truth.
Just remember that when you get back, and are tipsy, you OWE ME A HUGE FAVOR!
Ummmm!
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