My Journal 046

When I was a kid, I think 5 or 6 years old, for Christmas one year I got a great toy. My folks didn’t have much money, so we always had to order something out of the Sears catalog. I always thought it was so that we could see what it is, but actually it was so my parents could pay for Christmas over many months. So we each got to pick 1 toy.

On this Christmas I asked for a model aircraft carrier. And on Christmas morning it was there. It had a switch that turned on a battery powered motor, so the boat would roll across the floor and sound alarms. It had a catapult to launch 5 little planes. It had cannons with 6 rubber shells. And it launched depth charges off of the back. Wow, I loved that Aircraft Carrier.

Well, for a while.

One day I thought to myself that if I put my Aircraft Carrier in the tub, then I could be like a REAL sailor and launch aircraft at sea. What a marvelous idea I had. So I fill the bathtub, and place my Aircraft Carrier in the water. I was so darn excited.

It sunk.

Ok, even at that young age I was a persistent little punk. And I wanted my Aircraft Carrier to float. So first I thought that maybe it sunk as a fluke. I retrieved it from the bottom of the tub, dried it off real well, and tried again. Hmmm, same result.

I had to modify this Aircraft Carrier. I wanted it to float. Over the next week I tried duct tape over every opening, balsa wood for a new bottom, balloons underneath the boat and sink caulk. Nothing worked, and the boat kept sinking.

I began to understand the concept of futility. My Aircraft Carrier was not built to float. It was built to roll around the floor. No matter what I did or who I asked for help, my Aircraft Carrier would never float.

Futility.

I also learned something about myself during this debacle. You see, I loved that Aircraft Carrier when I saw it. It was everything that the advertisement said it was. It was exactly what I wanted and needed. But then I got this crazy idea, and the next thing I know I don’t like my Aircraft Carrier anymore. My goals had changed, and my toy didn’t measure up to my standards.

I placed it in the closet and it sat there until we moved from that house. I never played with my Aircraft Carrier again.

Looking back on this moment today, I want to assure you that I have no regrets for wanting my Aircraft Carrier to float. I mean that is what I am. I see something and I want more. My standards are high, but they are my standards. If successful, I share with everyone my jubilation. But if unsuccessful, I cope with the failure in silence.

I’ve always wanted to be the best, to have the best, and to accomplish more. I never felt that this made me a bad person. Sure, I ended up with a closet full of crap I used to love, and eventually abandoned. But I also ended up with a life full of unbelievable accomplishments. I found ways to make most of my “Aircraft Carriers” float.

I guess what I am saying is wanting more from life isn’t a bad thing. You have to be able to deal with the results. But trying for more means you sometimes get more. I would hate to be thought of as someone that just accepted things as they are. And I don’t think you would expect any less of me either.

The next Christmas I asked for a GI JOE.

I love ya’ll!