My Journal 082

[I wrote this about two weeks ago. I never posted it as I have many things I don’t post. But I have now decided to do just that. FYI – If a guy EVER comes to you with something that he considers GREAT news, no matter how trivial it may be to you at the moment, at a minimum acknowledge the choice to include you.]

The other day I mentioned that I absolutely hate “the talk”. You know what I mean, when someone says “they need to talk to you” or “we need to have a talk”. I don’t like having things hanging over me, so when I hear these dreaded words I suggest that we have “the talk” immediately even though I hate it. It’s more that I just want to get it over with than to actually find out what the issue may be. I do it, but I just hate it.

I know. I’m sad.

But here’s the crazy part. I’ve been asking someone to have a talk with me for over a month now. Damn, me asking someone else to do something that I hate to do. Of course this person has been ignoring my requests, which is another valid approach to show detest for “the talk”. So when I realized what I was doing I was amazed with myself. It’s like knowing that I don’t want to slide down a giant razor blade naked into a large vat of rubbing alcohol; so why the hack am I asking someone else to do it?

So I’ve spent some time studying this phenomenon. And yes, I do have a real job and things to do after work. But you have to know me. I’ve got this weird drive to understand things. Usually I figure things out rather quickly. But from time to time it takes me a while. When this happens, I can’t sleep. I don’t sleep much to begin with, but when I can’t figure something out I don’t sleep at all. Argh.

Anyway, I figure the impetus for me wanting to have this [GASP] talk is to clear up some stuff that I can’t possibly clear up on my own. It’s a helpless feeling for a bum like me to not be able to handle something alone, but alas life is strange. AND I HATE NOT KNOWING SHIT! But maybe I hate the talk more? So it’s like a communication thing, plain and simple.

But I have become distant due to the avoidance of the topic by the other party. So aside from me finding out that I have a double standard, I am basically trying to punish someone for not complying with my demands; as if me avoiding someone else can be construed as punishment. (Ha, trust me that in this case I am probably suffering more). Yet to me it’s something that I deem important.

I guess the next big question would be is it critical?

So far I’ve been willing to abandon a relationship . . . for something that I don’t like to do myself. How could ANYTHING be more important than a relationship? Especially for someone like me who have few relationships and tend to screw up the ones I do get. I probably shouldn’t be so darn picky; but hey, I am a big dumb guy.

My original logic was that the information I desired was so pertinent to the going concern of this relationship that not getting it would be ultimately detrimental to the same relationship. But maybe I put too much weight on this one topic.

Ok, so let’s assume I am wrong for once (That was an attempt at humor). What if a relationship can survive secrets? I mean, I have secrets. I justify my secrets to myself and no one else needs to understand or accept them. Maybe this is the same scenario, just in reverse.

Does one need to know EVERYTHING they want to know in a relationship?

To me that has always been a resounding YES! But that’s just me. I HAVE to know everything or I can’t sleep . . . remember? But everyone is different, and I am very different than anyone else. So if I live my life wanting everyone to be just like me then I will end up friendless and always destroying relationships.

Hey, that’s exactly where I am today.

And maybe the key is the word relationship. I have my definition and it includes total and complete honesty. But what if the other party has a different definition? What if I believe we share a certain type of a relationship yet the other party believes it is a very different type of relationship? Or what if all the TV experts are correct when they say honesty isn’t as great as it’s “cracked up to be”?

The next question is if I in fact can accept that I won’t know everything, and I still want to have a relationship of some sort with the other party, what do I do now to right the ship? I guess the first step is an apology ……

Sorry!

I wonder if they heard that or not?

Oh well, the next part would be acceptance of something I’ve never accepted. I will need to put aside my beliefs and mold myself to another standard. I will need to be certain that I can accept this change without losing myself in the mix. I’d hate to try this “change” just to find out I can’t do it, and end up making a bigger mess down the road.

Life is freakin’ complicated, isn’t it.

Oh well, if you’re listening out there in “byte” land . . . . I’d rather have you in my life that this damn talk!

Hmmm, maybe you could send me a “nudie” for my efforts?

(FYI, I SERIOUSLY doubt that will happen)

So here’s my FINAL plan . . . . I will leave it to fate! Yup, I won’t apologize for being inconsiderate and having a double standard. I won’t admit that I’m genuinely nuts. I can’t say that I now realize that one person is more important to me than my principles. But if fate steps in, and the other party makes a genuine effort to reconnect; then I will do everything we all agree that I should do.

Hey . . . this is a big step forward for me, even if it is baby steps to you!!!!

My Journal 081

OK, between being totally ignored by a friend, and hearing all of you tell me how I may not be the “long term relationship” kind of a guy, I picked a date.

When I say I picked a date, I literally meant that I picked a date. I have this Altoids can and in it I have dropped slips of paper, business cards, and napkins all containing phone numbers that have been given to me in the past few months. So I open this can and flip through these numbers. I settle upon a specific number and decide that this is the one for Saturday night.

I know, it sounds cold. Unfortunately it gets even worse.

I picked the only note where the female wrote, “Call me?” She included the question mark and all, which I thought was classy. Of course my list of choices had dwindled. I couldn’t call any number that didn’t have a name or a place where we met. I figured I’m not a good enough liar to call a number, not knowing the name of the person or where we met, and convince her to go out with me. But on this one note, not only did she write the comment above, she had her name and number; and it was on a napkin that I recognized. So she would be it.

But I had no idea what she looked like. I didn’t recognize the name either. I was drawing a complete blank. But I was so tired of sitting around waiting to find someone that I had to go grab someone. So I took the chance and called. Thank goodness she remembered me. I just gave her my name and said that we met at a certain place and immediately she acted like she remembered me. Whew!

We talked for a minute or so, since I really didn’t know her or what we may have discussed when we met, I really didn’t know how to proceed. But I finally got around to asking her if she wanted to “hang out” somewhere Saturday night. She actually said yes before she asked what I wanted to do, which I thought was way cool. And honestly, while talking to her I actually sort of liked her. I had to remind myself that I am just a “cad” and this was simply a means to an end.

After I told her my plan for Saturday, which as I shared with you was a dinner downtown at Spaghetti Warehouse followed by House of Blues. Hopefully by then I will have charmed her enough to be the jerk I am supposed to be. She asked if she could meet me at Spaghetti Warehouse. This was ok with me; I mean she is a woman basically going on a blind date so why would she want me to know where she lives. My only problem is that I have no idea who she is or what she looks like. If she doesn’t approach me then I am so screwed.

Oh well?!?!?!?

So I arrive early and park up the street so I can see the front door, just to see if someone is standing around waiting that looks familiar. That didn’t work. Finally I decided I would bite the bullet, park and walk inside to wait. It was risky, but I didn’t want to miss out. As I am walking up to the door someone calls my name. I turn around to see this incredible lady and I instantly remember her. She had been fun, funny and interesting. This was a good thing. One, I remembered her and two, she was cute. And the outfit she wore was interesting also. To me it said, “this isn’t a given, but it’s not an impossibility either”. Do you know what I mean?

Dinner was good. We talked and laughed a little. Either she was nervous or she had been a lot drunker when we met because she was sort of awkward with her words and a bit more distant than I remember. But all that went away. As we were leaving I asked her if she was going to follow me to the House of Blues. She said she would prefer riding with me. Of course I opened the door for her, even though I was working for trim I was still a gentleman. But low and behold, she kissed me at the door. Now if I recall correctly, we did not kiss when we met. We talked, we flirted, and she placed her hand on my thigh once; but that was it. The kiss was nice.

We parked in the parking garage behind the House of Blues. We had a great time inside. She didn’t drink much, but she was a lot more inviting now. Around 11:30, we were talking and she said she was ready to leave. I agreed and told her I would take her back to her car, hoping that she had another idea so I didn’t have to suggest something. Yes, I was forgetting that I was simply a jerk. And she did! She asked if I knew of a place where we could talk privately. Hehehehe!

That was about the time it all went to shit.

We were walking through the parking garage; she had her arm in mine and was pressed close to me. We had kissed a few more times at the club so we were both very friendly. I was about 20 feet from my car when she stopped me and asked if I “saw that”. I looked at her because I obviously was oblivious to anything except getting her into the car and getting somewhere private. She was looking to the right so I looked there too. There was a couple having a heated argument at their car, and apparently the guy had pinned the girl against the car while screaming.

That was when something odd happened. I have always been the guy that protects those that can’t protect themselves. But at this moment, for the first time, I had no interest in offering help. And it wasn’t because I was about to get laid either.

I will now share a story that has been eating me alive for the past two months. I have a friend that I believe may be in an abusive relationship. I’ve kept it to myself, but Saturday I was pressured to share the story with my good friend Lovely Girl. She had been on me for weeks to let her know what was wrong with me. I knew that she had been in an abusive relationship once as well. So I decided to share.

My big problem is that I can’t do anything to get this person to confirm or deny the abuse. My natural instinct is to just take action and deal with the consequences. But I have believed that even with the abuse, my friend would keep going back to the guy. So I have waited. LG confirmed that doing nothing was the best course of action. She said some women actually enjoy the abuse. And even if she didn’t, I couldn’t make her want out. I had to wait until she wanted out and then only act if she asked me for help. Basically, I am helpless. LG told me not to contact her again. Argh!

As I see this couple I see my friends face. This makes me not want to help this other girl because I now have no idea if she loves this guy or what. It also makes me think about my friend and instantly the sexy girl on my arm is out of my thoughts. There were other people in the garage then, so I suggest that we let someone else deal with this situation. But my date stops me again and says that someone has to do something.

Crap!

I give my keys to my date and suggest that she go to my car and wait. Of course she follows me. I do approach the couple and simply ask if things are ok. I was suddenly the bad guy again and both were yelling at me. After a verbal tirade, they both got into the same car and drove away. As I was walking my date back to my car I suggested that I go ahead and take her to her car. I mean as much as I DESPERATLEY need to be laid, I had my friend on my mind now and I just couldn’t. Fortunately, she was very understanding.

Oh well, there is always next weekend, right?

My Journal 080

I am now “sleeted” in at the office and can’t get out. Wow, trapped at work. Now that is pure hell. So while I am sitting here, why not a story?

So you get a Friday BONUS posting!!!! I wished you were as excited as me?!?!?

Here we go!

It is just as cold outside as today, only I am in a warm bed with a ton of blankets, and a big boobed blonde babe. I realize that getting out of bed won’t work today so I gaze over at my babe. Apparently she was hot last night, so the covers are half way on her, and her breasts are fully exposed. I roll over and gently cup her breast. Her eyes remain closed, but a soft smile appears on her face and I hear a slight moan.

Nope, I changed my mind. No soft porn today. (Hehehehe)

Send me an email and I’ll send the rest. Ummmm!

I did convince some poor lady to go out with me tomorrow night. I think we’ll do Italian and then make our way to the House of Blues. Then I can become the person that you all claim that I am. So don’t call or text me Saturday night, I will be at work . . . or at play . . . depending on how you view this.

Anyway, it should be fun. I hope you ladies are right about me because I have given up on ever being in a long term romantic relationship. So this type of fun may be it for me.

Oh, and I found a new theme song for me.

Nickleback - "S.E.X."

"No" is a dirty word,
Never gonna say it first,
"No" is just a thought that never crosses my mind.
Maybe in the parking lot,
Better bring your friend along,
Better off together than just one at a time.

S is for the simple need.
E is for the ecstasy.
X is just to mark the spot,
Because that's the one you really want.
(Yes!) Sex is always the answer, it's never a question,
'Cause the answer's yes, oh the answers (Yes)
Not just a suggestion, if you ask the question,
Then it's always yes. Yeah!

I'm loving what you wanna wear,
I wonder what's up under there?
Wonder if I'll ever have it under my tongue?
I'd love to try to set you free,
All of you all over me.
Love hearin' the sound you make the second you're done.

S is for the simple need.
E is for the ecstasy.
X is just to mark the spot,
Because that's the one you really want.
(Yes!) Sex is always the answer, it's never a question,
'Cause the answer's yes, oh the answers (Yes).
Not just a suggestion, if you ask the question,
Then it's always yes. Yeah! (YES)

S is for the simple need.
E is for the ecstasy.
X is just to mark the spot,
Because that's the one you really want.
(Yes!) Sex is always the answer, it's never a question,
'Cause the answer's yes, oh the answer's (Yes).
Not just a suggestion, if you ask the question,
Then it's always yes. Yeah! (YES)
(Yes!) Sex is always the answer, it's never a question,
'Cause the answer's yes, oh the answer's (Yes).
Not just a suggestion, if you ask the question,
Then it's always yes. Yeah! (YES)

YES!

So what do you think? Actually I was having my late night conference with my God last night and again I ended up by asking him for a sign as to what I should be doing. That’s when the “rolling blackout” hit and all the power died. When it came back on the radio went off full blast and this song was just beginning. I figured that was my sign.

So, enjoy your weekend. Stay warm and “hug somebody, it’ll make you feel good”!

My Journal 079

Friday Shout outs!

Lovely Girl – I love you but QUIT BUSTING MY BALLS. J

LL – Get well soon!

Banana-rama – I bet you thought I was going to guess a size  . . . .

Kat – I’ll bring the tequila as a housewarming gift!

Sunshine – I was here, I am here, and I will be here 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.

New chick from Russia – Thanks for making me worldwide now!

I heard a comment yesterday that I will discuss today. The comment was made by a woman, just for a point of reference. The comment was, “Women are far more forgiving than men when it comes to cheating.”

First and foremost let me make it adamantly clear that I believe cheating is WRONG! I have never cheated on someone to which I made a commitment. And take it from someone that has been accused of cheating on WAY more than one occasion, it is not right and I do not do it. If I care for someone enough to commit to them then it probably means that they are so fabulous that I don’t even notice other women. But if the event ever presented itself, and I was attracted uncontrollably to someone else, I would end the existing relationship prior to taking any actions. PERIOD.

So much for the legal stuff now let’s move on.

I believe that the statement noted above is absolutely wrong. Women are not forgiving at all, regardless of the issue. Whether it’s forgetting to take the trash out, passing gas in the house, or sleeping in the wrong bed; women do not EVER forgive. Now I will say that they are far more accepting of their partner once it is “discussed” (Lord I hate to have talks, but that’s a topic for another day). But again, they never forgive.

When it comes to their partner, the man is VERY forgiving. I say this based on my own personal knowledge, and from hanging out with guys. But before I explain this further I need to explain the difference in the perception of cheating from a man’s viewpoint and from what I understand to be the woman’s viewpoint. Obviously I am not a woman so I can’t say for sure what their viewpoint is, but I am basing this on discussions with women.

The man’s viewpoint on cheating is not emotional. As I pointed out long before in another journal, the man’s viewpoint is territorial. If the female partner in a committed relationship has strayed, the male is not, as a general rule, angry with the partner. To a guy, someone came up and took what was his. It’s like someone stole his car. He’s not mad at the car, he’s mad at the thief. Like I said, it’s a territorial thing.

That may sound cold hearted, but keep in mind that men are wired differently than women. So what may seem cold to a woman is just the wiring in our head. It can’t be changed without a lobotomy. Now, that being said, many males will feel less of a man to a point as well. Again, if someone stole our car we would be mad but also kicking ourselves for not locking it, or parking it in a bad place. It’s the same thing with cheating. Part of the male psyche feels he did something wrong to create the situation. BUT HE NEVER WILL ADMIT THIS TO A FEMALE.

Based on this explanation I hope you can see that very little if any blame lies with the female. So she is obviously forgiven for her part.

Now for the female viewpoint, and once again I stress that this is how it has been explained to me. To women it is definitely an emotional issue. Their man ran off with that whore. He violated the sanctity of their relationship. He found someone else. Oh Lord!!!

Women freak out. But I do believe that a lot of it is an act. Maybe it’s because I can’t imagine being that emotional, or maybe it’s because I sort of believe that they are a wee bit happy to now have something that they can bring up in EVERY argument for eternity. Yes, everything a male does wrong, up to and including cheating, will be stored away for a lifetime of revenge.

I believe that is why they are so accepting. Once they realize that they now possess a lifetime “Oh Yeah” chip then they want the guy to stick around so they can have fun using it. So they will accept him as a fuckin’ loser failure sick bastard, but keep him around for their pleasure. And I don’t mean sexual pleasure. Abusive pleasure is more the plan.

BUT NEVER FORGIVEN!

So when I heard that “Women are far more forgiving than men when it comes to cheating” I smiled.

Now, something new. Last night I guess I realized that being a “One night Stand” guy may not be too bad. I mean if it’s all I have left in life then why not make the best, right. Anyway, that’s what I am thinking. So I have a “hot” date for Saturday night. No romantic crap. No flowers. No holding hands.

I’ll keep you informed.

My Journal 078

I mentioned that I had a strange weekend. I still choose not to tell the events that transpired, but the “lead in” to this ordeal was interesting and I will share it.

On Friday I received a message from LL. She was in the area and wanted to meet me for lunch. Being around her can be a breath of fresh air sometimes, and I needed that. So we met. As usual, we were just like we had never been apart, laughing and talking. It was a lot of fun.

Then she mentioned some journal pages that she had read, particularly the ones where I mention what I am looking for currently in a relationship. She knows I get advice from all of you, but she brought up a good point. She said she is probably the only one of you that has been on a real date with me; so she believes that she may have a different perspective.

One thing I do love about my LL is that she ALWAYS says exactly what is on her mind, and she never “sugar coats” it. I think that is why we remain friends in spite of our constant bickering.

But this time she actually buttered me up first. She told me how I had some characteristics that women enjoy. I won’t go into that conversation any further other than to say she agreed that I can charm almost anyone. But the she surprised me with something. She admitted that she and another girl I know are what she called “wild women”. She said that neither she nor the other girl is capable of being faithful, EVEN IF SHE WANTS TO BE, so they are always looking for the fun “one night stand” type of a guy.

This part didn’t really blow me away too bad. I sort of already knew this part. But then she told me more. She said she hears me when I write that I want someone for romantic dinners and walks down the beach. She said she knows me well enough to say that if I ever found that person I would make them the happiest woman ever. But then she told me that I am not designed to attract that woman . . . EVER.

Whoa, wait a minute.

Before I could argue she shut me down with a kiss, and then laughed at how well she knew me and could control me. Then she told me to shut up and listen. She said other than the qualities that she earlier told me that I have, that I have two qualities that keep all the nice girls away and only attract these “wild women”.

First, she said that I am mysterious. She said that all women can see how I have a habit of quickly offering up “tidbits” about myself that are interesting or humorous, just to keep them from asking about the things I don’t want to share. She said that I probably thought that by doing that I am tricking the girls into thinking I am an open book. But she told me that the moment she met me, she knew that there was a whole lot more to me than I would ever share. For her, that was a HUGE turn on and she said it would be for the other “wild woman” I know as well. But it would scare a nice girl away. She said that nice girls, the ones that also want roses and beaches, would be afraid of what they might find inside of me someday.

Hmmm?

Second, she said I am a BIG flirt. I again tried to deny it but she shut me up again. She then proceeded to tell me that not only do I flirt, but that I am seductive and suggestive with my flirting. She told me that this was too much for her, and drew her to me like a magnet. She said that this type of flirting always attracts “Us slutty girls”. She told me that the nice girls enjoy the flirting, but it scares them as well. So they put up their guards.

I thought back to my previous dating attempts. She may be right, as I always can get the girl but only for a week or so at a time.

That was when she reached out and took both of my hands in hers. “Sweetie?” (Whenever she calls me that I know I am about to get kicked in the teeth) “You will never get someone to love you and you will never get the girl you want. You just aren’t designed for that”

Ok, I’ll stop there for a moment and move to the next round of talks. But to be honest, that rocked my world more than damn near anything I ever heard.

I spent Saturday talking to Banana-rama, Kat and Lovely girl. Each of them agreed with LL. But none of them could give me a solution. So I turned back to LL and asked what I could change to get that type of a girl. She again insisted that I couldn’t get a nice girl. And she said that trying to change who I am is a bigger mistake.

But she asked me why I was worried. She said that I had something that 90% of the men in the world would love to have. She said I could go anywhere and pick the hottest girl in the room. She said that regardless of race, age, mental capacity, or body type that I was capable of making the girl want to be with me immediately. “You can charm any girl out of her panties” she added. Then she asked me why I thought that this gift was a bad thing.

She told me that one of the reasons that she avoids me from time to time is because she knows that if I ever tried for her that she wouldn’t be able to say no. She said that she wouldn’t mind “taking a tumble” but that she knew that I would then try to make her into a good girl, when everyone knows she isn’t. She said that she and this other girl I know aren’t capable of being good girls. She told me that I have probably done the same thing with that girl, and that is why I’m confused. She asked me if this other girl avoids me for weeks at a time on occasion also.

She is right.

She said that no one can make a wild woman change. It’s in their DNA to bounce from bed to bed. By trying to date one of these women, hoping that it could be something long term, will become frustrating to me and confusing to the girl.

This led me to the Saturday night debacle. But I guess that she is right. I’ve been working on a solution all week, but thus far no luck. I mean I have enjoyed “wild women” most of my life. But now I really do want a meaningful relationship for the first time in my life. And perhaps it is never to be?!?!?

I just hope that somewhere out there is this “wild woman” that is bright (like me) and may eventually someday decide (like I did) that the wild times are fun but now she wants someone to give her roses and walk down a beach with her; and be wild with just me. Maybe she doesn’t exist. Maybe she never will exist. But at least for today, I still hold out a shred of hope. I do know that when I give up on her, I will give up forever. And giving up your dreams is difficult.

But I still went out Saturday to see if I was actually just a charming prick that could talk any woman into anything. I found out that I am. But get this, as I am leaving a place with my current “victim” on my arm and already agreeing to do “whatever I wanted”; I get a text from the other “wild woman”.

I turned around at that moment and walked away. I didn’t say another word to the “victim”. I went home alone that night.

I’m such a stupid ass!

Anyway, thanks to LL for being direct with me. And for all of those who chose to respond to me this weekend, thank you for your input too.

I’ll keep you updated.

My Journal 077

I was told that my journal has become “depressing”. I replied that it was my journal and I can write what I want. But then I was told I had an obligation. That some people “tune in” to be entertained. So, today I will entertain!

And for the record, we are all dying. Some of us just have a better idea of when.

Ok, now for the entertainment. I woke up this morning with a “Woody”!

Actually there is nothing new to that. I think I have woken with one every day of my life. And it’s not just a “piss hard on”. No it is the real deal. It’s right as rain and ready to go. Yup, every morning I wake to this phenomenon. It’s like my morning cup of coffee or something. And as much as I like waking up and knowing that the equipment is still in working condition, it does have its drawbacks.

For example, I drink a lot of fluids. I started when I played ball and just never quit. So even though I only sleep for about two to three hours at a time, when I wake I have to visit a facility. (That’s a toilet for the blondes). I have no idea how much a female knows about a “woody”, but here is an interesting fact. This “thing” that we possess absolutely cannot multitask. We can use it to emit bodily fluids or we can use it for sex. But we cannot do either at the same time, or even close to the same time.

I always figured that was to increase our chances of seeing you “Eating Spinach”. (Who remembers that journal?) Seriously ladies, if you are doing that there is absolutely no way the other can happen. It’s physics, or biology or something, but it doesn’t happen at the same time. TRUST ME.

So every morning, my routine is simple. Step one, wake up. Step two, notice Woody. Step three, check Woody out. Personally I have a three point scale of hardness, with each level representing the amount of time required to masturbate. But that is a story for another day. Step four, stumble to the restroom. Step five, stare at toilet and think about baseball players. Step six (MANY minutes later) pee.

Now some mornings I have to pee a lot. On the average it takes about 12 minutes for me to convince Woody to go away. See the dilemma? Depending on my scale of hardness, sometimes it’s just easier to take care of Woody than to wait for it to relax. Not that I mind that too much either.

The second problem with waking every morning of your life “ready to go” is that females are definitely not morning people. I’m not a guy that tries to “sleep over”, I’m more of the “Oh crap, I’ve got to go” type of a guy. But I have had my share of waking in a new place. And women absolutely are not interested.

Now there is one chick that I know of, but she is this chick that wants to “do oral” all day every day. (And she is FANTASTIC, I guess practice does make perfect) I have woken with her once and . . . . WOW! But for the rest of you, waking to see this “thing” isn’t how you would prefer to begin your morning. I guess it’s some sort of punishment for us or something. I don’t know.

Anyway, I figure that guys wake every morning ready to go but understanding that unless they happen to know this one chick that I know in San Antonio then they ain’t getting any. So if we have a GUARANTEED time, and knowing that the universe is in balance, shouldn’t women have a GUARANTEE time too?

Maybe you do and you just don’t share it with us. Think of the ramifications if the males of the world found out your secret time where you are ALWAYS good to go. Wow, we might get some of the power back.

Now I know that there are things we can do to get your motors running. The chick in San Antonio simply requires me to show up. Another chick I know really can’t resist deep, soft, long kisses. Once I hit two minutes on a kiss with her  . . . I’m in. Another chick I know loves warm oil rubbed on her back, go figure. I keep some oil and a lighter in my car. Anyway, I am not talking about things to make you ready; I’m asking you to share if a time exists where you are always ready.

In exchange for this information I will let you know the secret times that guys are GUARANTEED ready to go.

·          Mornings, as we discussed.

·          Every other second of every other day.

There you go; you now have our SUPER SECRET SCHEDULE. So how about throwing me a bone too?

Figuratively of course!

Ok, while we are on the topic of women and possibly never being “good to go”; I have one more comment. Any woman that claims she masturbates is a liar. Seriously. Women have no reason to ever have to do that. I mean really, they sell toys for women to use as an aid? What the hell are we? Save your money and your time. The next time you feel the urge, call ANY male and we will gladly be your surrogate / toy. PROMISE!

If you don’t believe me . . . . . illogical69@live.com and I’ll make you a believer!

My Journal 076

I remember back to a game once where something happened that made me understand life, and set me up with one of my cornerstones.

I was about 15 I guess, and still wearing a brace on my leg from a serious leg injury. I was a sophomore and starting for the varsity football team as a cornerback. Earlier in that season, teams would test me. I mean when they saw a 15 year old wearing a brace and playing a position that requires a lot of speed and agility, it seemed obvious that I would be attacked. But I had held my own and developed a reputation of not being beat. Teams began to avoid me.

It was maybe game 6 that season. Opposing teams were avoiding throwing the ball in my direction. So many games I just ran around with their best receiver doing basically nothing. This game was the same. Every pass had been to the other side of the field, or short and up in front of me. We were behind by 4 points and the game was ticking away.

On this particular play we were in zone coverage, and I was lined up on the wide receiver to the right side of the field. The opponent lined up in a strong formation to the other side of the field, so I knew that once again I was simply covering a decoy. The quarterback dropped straight back and was looking to the other side of the field, so my job was to handle the backside deep part of the zone.

But one of our linemen broke free and rushed the quarterback, forcing him to run towards my side of the field. Suddenly I was in play. He tried to get the ball to their top receiver, who was in my zone. I intercepted the ball around the goal line and took off running. I knew the receiver was right behind me giving chase, and all I had in front of me was the quarterback and one lineman that had run towards me.

I got a brush block from our linebacker, which slowed down the perusing receiver momentarily. This gave me the chance to put a move on the guys in front of me and I broke clear. Now it was a footrace to the end zone. It was me, a 15 year old kid with a bad knee and a brace on my leg and a 19 year old kid that had won the district hundred yard dash the previous year. I just ran as fast as I could.

I outran him and scored, winning the game.

The next day was “film day” where we watched the films of the game. When we got to this play there was a lot of cheering in the room. The secondary coach laughed and said, “Hey, it looks like you are scared to death that this guy will catch you. You never even looked back to see where he was.”

I replied, “Yup, I didn’t need to look back. I had handled everything in front of me and was then just running”.

I didn’t realize it then, but this was to be a pillar of who I am. You see, at the moment I broke into the clear I had no more worries. I had done everything I could do to put myself in this position. I could control nothing more than to run as fast as I could. If the guy chasing me was a better athlete, or faster, or wanted to stop me more than I wanted to score; then I couldn’t change that. I couldn’t go back in time and work out more, or run another sprint, or lift more weights. This was the here and now, and nothing behind me could be changed.

I’ve sort of lived my life that way. I believe that there is no point in looking back. You can’t change the past so I just stay focused on the here and now. I can control that, and I can plan for tomorrow. But no one can change yesterday. So why look back?

Granted, we can learn from our history. And I will say that some evenings when I am on my sixth drink and had a doob or two, I do think back and wonder what if? But I do that simply for entertainment.

What if I hadn’t tried to score on the play that my leg was destroyed? Would I have made it to the NFL?

What if I hadn’t temporarily dropped out of college when this happened? Would I be a different person?

What if I hadn’t carried a weapon to a meeting? Would I have been charged with murder anyway?

What if I had said no to the guys in the suits when they recruited me and promised to make my crimes disappear? Would the world be different? Would someone else be alive today?

What would have happened if I had called Lisa Blesser after our date? Would my life be different today?

What if I hadn’t given up a $140K a year job to take this one for $34K just to help a friend? Where would I be today?

What if I had the correct phone number for a lady I cared about; and actually got to see her on one of my many trips to try to see her? Would we still not be communicating today?

I ponder these things today because I was told yesterday that I have a serious financial challenge. After hearing this I was immediately told I had one day to find a solution. The problem had existed for over a year, but I hadn’t been told. I complained.

I was then told that I should just have someone kill me, that my insurance money and my 401K would set the family up so that they could be happy; and I was completely incapable of making any of them happy alive. I wonder if I make anyone happy just by being alive?

Life is funny isn’t it? After a life time of trying to be “something” the final tally shows that my world is better off if I am not in it. I sent a text telling someone I cared. They replied ignoring my words, and lecturing me on my apology for sending a text.

Funny huh? But sort of makes it all seem true.

No reason to look back. All I can handle is the here and now, and plan for someone else’s tomorrow.