I was told that my journal has become “depressing”. I replied that it was my journal and I can write what I want. But then I was told I had an obligation. That some people “tune in” to be entertained. So, today I will entertain!
And for the record, we are all dying. Some of us just have a better idea of when.
Ok, now for the entertainment. I woke up this morning with a “Woody”!
Actually there is nothing new to that. I think I have woken with one every day of my life. And it’s not just a “piss hard on”. No it is the real deal. It’s right as rain and ready to go. Yup, every morning I wake to this phenomenon. It’s like my morning cup of coffee or something. And as much as I like waking up and knowing that the equipment is still in working condition, it does have its drawbacks.
For example, I drink a lot of fluids. I started when I played ball and just never quit. So even though I only sleep for about two to three hours at a time, when I wake I have to visit a facility. (That’s a toilet for the blondes). I have no idea how much a female knows about a “woody”, but here is an interesting fact. This “thing” that we possess absolutely cannot multitask. We can use it to emit bodily fluids or we can use it for sex. But we cannot do either at the same time, or even close to the same time.
I always figured that was to increase our chances of seeing you “Eating Spinach”. (Who remembers that journal?) Seriously ladies, if you are doing that there is absolutely no way the other can happen. It’s physics, or biology or something, but it doesn’t happen at the same time. TRUST ME.
So every morning, my routine is simple. Step one, wake up. Step two, notice Woody. Step three, check Woody out. Personally I have a three point scale of hardness, with each level representing the amount of time required to masturbate. But that is a story for another day. Step four, stumble to the restroom. Step five, stare at toilet and think about baseball players. Step six (MANY minutes later) pee.
Now some mornings I have to pee a lot. On the average it takes about 12 minutes for me to convince Woody to go away. See the dilemma? Depending on my scale of hardness, sometimes it’s just easier to take care of Woody than to wait for it to relax. Not that I mind that too much either.
The second problem with waking every morning of your life “ready to go” is that females are definitely not morning people. I’m not a guy that tries to “sleep over”, I’m more of the “Oh crap, I’ve got to go” type of a guy. But I have had my share of waking in a new place. And women absolutely are not interested.
Now there is one chick that I know of, but she is this chick that wants to “do oral” all day every day. (And she is FANTASTIC, I guess practice does make perfect) I have woken with her once and . . . . WOW! But for the rest of you, waking to see this “thing” isn’t how you would prefer to begin your morning. I guess it’s some sort of punishment for us or something. I don’t know.
Anyway, I figure that guys wake every morning ready to go but understanding that unless they happen to know this one chick that I know in San Antonio then they ain’t getting any. So if we have a GUARANTEED time, and knowing that the universe is in balance, shouldn’t women have a GUARANTEE time too?
Maybe you do and you just don’t share it with us. Think of the ramifications if the males of the world found out your secret time where you are ALWAYS good to go. Wow, we might get some of the power back.
Now I know that there are things we can do to get your motors running. The chick in San Antonio simply requires me to show up. Another chick I know really can’t resist deep, soft, long kisses. Once I hit two minutes on a kiss with her . . . I’m in. Another chick I know loves warm oil rubbed on her back, go figure. I keep some oil and a lighter in my car. Anyway, I am not talking about things to make you ready; I’m asking you to share if a time exists where you are always ready.
In exchange for this information I will let you know the secret times that guys are GUARANTEED ready to go.
· Mornings, as we discussed.
· Every other second of every other day.
There you go; you now have our SUPER SECRET SCHEDULE. So how about throwing me a bone too?
Figuratively of course!
Ok, while we are on the topic of women and possibly never being “good to go”; I have one more comment. Any woman that claims she masturbates is a liar. Seriously. Women have no reason to ever have to do that. I mean really, they sell toys for women to use as an aid? What the hell are we? Save your money and your time. The next time you feel the urge, call ANY male and we will gladly be your surrogate / toy. PROMISE!
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