I remember back to a game once where something happened that made me understand life, and set me up with one of my cornerstones.
I was about 15 I guess, and still wearing a brace on my leg from a serious leg injury. I was a sophomore and starting for the varsity football team as a cornerback. Earlier in that season, teams would test me. I mean when they saw a 15 year old wearing a brace and playing a position that requires a lot of speed and agility, it seemed obvious that I would be attacked. But I had held my own and developed a reputation of not being beat. Teams began to avoid me.
It was maybe game 6 that season. Opposing teams were avoiding throwing the ball in my direction. So many games I just ran around with their best receiver doing basically nothing. This game was the same. Every pass had been to the other side of the field, or short and up in front of me. We were behind by 4 points and the game was ticking away.
On this particular play we were in zone coverage, and I was lined up on the wide receiver to the right side of the field. The opponent lined up in a strong formation to the other side of the field, so I knew that once again I was simply covering a decoy. The quarterback dropped straight back and was looking to the other side of the field, so my job was to handle the backside deep part of the zone.
But one of our linemen broke free and rushed the quarterback, forcing him to run towards my side of the field. Suddenly I was in play. He tried to get the ball to their top receiver, who was in my zone. I intercepted the ball around the goal line and took off running. I knew the receiver was right behind me giving chase, and all I had in front of me was the quarterback and one lineman that had run towards me.
I got a brush block from our linebacker, which slowed down the perusing receiver momentarily. This gave me the chance to put a move on the guys in front of me and I broke clear. Now it was a footrace to the end zone. It was me, a 15 year old kid with a bad knee and a brace on my leg and a 19 year old kid that had won the district hundred yard dash the previous year. I just ran as fast as I could.
I outran him and scored, winning the game.
The next day was “film day” where we watched the films of the game. When we got to this play there was a lot of cheering in the room. The secondary coach laughed and said, “Hey, it looks like you are scared to death that this guy will catch you. You never even looked back to see where he was.”
I replied, “Yup, I didn’t need to look back. I had handled everything in front of me and was then just running”.
I didn’t realize it then, but this was to be a pillar of who I am. You see, at the moment I broke into the clear I had no more worries. I had done everything I could do to put myself in this position. I could control nothing more than to run as fast as I could. If the guy chasing me was a better athlete, or faster, or wanted to stop me more than I wanted to score; then I couldn’t change that. I couldn’t go back in time and work out more, or run another sprint, or lift more weights. This was the here and now, and nothing behind me could be changed.
I’ve sort of lived my life that way. I believe that there is no point in looking back. You can’t change the past so I just stay focused on the here and now. I can control that, and I can plan for tomorrow. But no one can change yesterday. So why look back?
Granted, we can learn from our history. And I will say that some evenings when I am on my sixth drink and had a doob or two, I do think back and wonder what if? But I do that simply for entertainment.
What if I hadn’t tried to score on the play that my leg was destroyed? Would I have made it to the NFL?
What if I hadn’t temporarily dropped out of college when this happened? Would I be a different person?
What if I hadn’t carried a weapon to a meeting? Would I have been charged with murder anyway?
What if I had said no to the guys in the suits when they recruited me and promised to make my crimes disappear? Would the world be different? Would someone else be alive today?
What would have happened if I had called Lisa Blesser after our date? Would my life be different today?
What if I hadn’t given up a $140K a year job to take this one for $34K just to help a friend? Where would I be today?
What if I had the correct phone number for a lady I cared about; and actually got to see her on one of my many trips to try to see her? Would we still not be communicating today?
I ponder these things today because I was told yesterday that I have a serious financial challenge. After hearing this I was immediately told I had one day to find a solution. The problem had existed for over a year, but I hadn’t been told. I complained.
I was then told that I should just have someone kill me, that my insurance money and my 401K would set the family up so that they could be happy; and I was completely incapable of making any of them happy alive. I wonder if I make anyone happy just by being alive?
Life is funny isn’t it? After a life time of trying to be “something” the final tally shows that my world is better off if I am not in it. I sent a text telling someone I cared. They replied ignoring my words, and lecturing me on my apology for sending a text.
Funny huh? But sort of makes it all seem true.
No reason to look back. All I can handle is the here and now, and plan for someone else’s tomorrow.
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