[I wrote this about two weeks ago. I never posted it as I have many things I don’t post. But I have now decided to do just that. FYI – If a guy EVER comes to you with something that he considers GREAT news, no matter how trivial it may be to you at the moment, at a minimum acknowledge the choice to include you.]
The other day I mentioned that I absolutely hate “the talk”. You know what I mean, when someone says “they need to talk to you” or “we need to have a talk”. I don’t like having things hanging over me, so when I hear these dreaded words I suggest that we have “the talk” immediately even though I hate it. It’s more that I just want to get it over with than to actually find out what the issue may be. I do it, but I just hate it.
I know. I’m sad.
But here’s the crazy part. I’ve been asking someone to have a talk with me for over a month now. Damn, me asking someone else to do something that I hate to do. Of course this person has been ignoring my requests, which is another valid approach to show detest for “the talk”. So when I realized what I was doing I was amazed with myself. It’s like knowing that I don’t want to slide down a giant razor blade naked into a large vat of rubbing alcohol; so why the hack am I asking someone else to do it?
So I’ve spent some time studying this phenomenon. And yes, I do have a real job and things to do after work. But you have to know me. I’ve got this weird drive to understand things. Usually I figure things out rather quickly. But from time to time it takes me a while. When this happens, I can’t sleep. I don’t sleep much to begin with, but when I can’t figure something out I don’t sleep at all. Argh.
Anyway, I figure the impetus for me wanting to have this [GASP] talk is to clear up some stuff that I can’t possibly clear up on my own. It’s a helpless feeling for a bum like me to not be able to handle something alone, but alas life is strange. AND I HATE NOT KNOWING SHIT! But maybe I hate the talk more? So it’s like a communication thing, plain and simple.
But I have become distant due to the avoidance of the topic by the other party. So aside from me finding out that I have a double standard, I am basically trying to punish someone for not complying with my demands; as if me avoiding someone else can be construed as punishment. (Ha, trust me that in this case I am probably suffering more). Yet to me it’s something that I deem important.
I guess the next big question would be is it critical?
So far I’ve been willing to abandon a relationship . . . for something that I don’t like to do myself. How could ANYTHING be more important than a relationship? Especially for someone like me who have few relationships and tend to screw up the ones I do get. I probably shouldn’t be so darn picky; but hey, I am a big dumb guy.
My original logic was that the information I desired was so pertinent to the going concern of this relationship that not getting it would be ultimately detrimental to the same relationship. But maybe I put too much weight on this one topic.
Ok, so let’s assume I am wrong for once (That was an attempt at humor). What if a relationship can survive secrets? I mean, I have secrets. I justify my secrets to myself and no one else needs to understand or accept them. Maybe this is the same scenario, just in reverse.
Does one need to know EVERYTHING they want to know in a relationship?
To me that has always been a resounding YES! But that’s just me. I HAVE to know everything or I can’t sleep . . . remember? But everyone is different, and I am very different than anyone else. So if I live my life wanting everyone to be just like me then I will end up friendless and always destroying relationships.
Hey, that’s exactly where I am today.
And maybe the key is the word relationship. I have my definition and it includes total and complete honesty. But what if the other party has a different definition? What if I believe we share a certain type of a relationship yet the other party believes it is a very different type of relationship? Or what if all the TV experts are correct when they say honesty isn’t as great as it’s “cracked up to be”?
The next question is if I in fact can accept that I won’t know everything, and I still want to have a relationship of some sort with the other party, what do I do now to right the ship? I guess the first step is an apology ……
Sorry!
I wonder if they heard that or not?
Oh well, the next part would be acceptance of something I’ve never accepted. I will need to put aside my beliefs and mold myself to another standard. I will need to be certain that I can accept this change without losing myself in the mix. I’d hate to try this “change” just to find out I can’t do it, and end up making a bigger mess down the road.
Life is freakin’ complicated, isn’t it.
Oh well, if you’re listening out there in “byte” land . . . . I’d rather have you in my life that this damn talk!
Hmmm, maybe you could send me a “nudie” for my efforts?
(FYI, I SERIOUSLY doubt that will happen)
So here’s my FINAL plan . . . . I will leave it to fate! Yup, I won’t apologize for being inconsiderate and having a double standard. I won’t admit that I’m genuinely nuts. I can’t say that I now realize that one person is more important to me than my principles. But if fate steps in, and the other party makes a genuine effort to reconnect; then I will do everything we all agree that I should do.
Hey . . . this is a big step forward for me, even if it is baby steps to you!!!!
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