My Journal 030

Illogical Ramblings! Yup, just don’t ask why. I have enough on my plate already.

So, first I'd like to thank Sunshine for giving me the idea for this approach. She has sworn to her god that she will drag my ass kicking and screaming into the 21st century regardless of my objections. I guess I really could figure out all of this technology stuff if I REALLY wanted to do it. But I will settle for a BEAUTIFUL woman showing me how! 

(See, I’m not as stupid as you thought)

Let me ask you something – Who invented the Sugar Free Sugar Cookie?

I’m sure it was a dietician or someone weird like that. But who needs to diet? I never understood dieting. Honestly, I’ve never dieted. Well, technically I’ve never been on a diet. My body tends to handle all that for me. I have been heavy a few times in my life and then suddenly my body says enough is enough. Then I will lose 40 to 50 pounds in a few weeks.

Then I’ll get way down in weight and my body will start gaining weight in a similar fashion. I don’t do anything different, it just happens.

Let me share something with you, since you are all ladies and probably are very concerned about your weight / looks. Guys don’t care! Let me clarify that just a bit. But first I want it noted that all of you are just perfect. I AM BEING SERIOUS WITH THAT STATEMENT.

Anyway, if you were 600 pounds then maybe we would have to be coaxed a little (I’m kidding). What I really mean is that when women look in a mirror they may see parts of their body that they consider too large. Immediately they want to start a diet. There are two problems with this approach.

1.     Guys don’t look at the same places you look. Guys get fat in the gut, so everyone they see they check out the gut. Women don’t gain weight in the gut. Primarily women tend to gain weight in the thighs and butt. HELLO!!! Guys love big thighs and butts on women. So your approach may actually be reducing your attraction quotient.

2.     Once you start screwing with your metabolism, it is a wreck for life. Your body knows what to do and when. You start taking all sorts of pills and diet foods and your body starts to believe that you THINK you know more than it does. You body gets pissed and decides to let you handle it since you are so darn smart. From that moment forward, you are trapped in a perpetual lifetime of diet crap.

Don’t worry about it. I’ve seen all of you in many different scenarios and outfits. None of you are big, or fat, or large, or robust, or heavy. All of you are cute and sexy! I am being serious. Again, I am not saying that any of you are on diets, but since you are ladies I am willing to bet that you are or have been at one some time or another this year. Tell me if I am wrong?

Look, diets were invented to take money from the vain people. Vanity is one of the seven deadly sins. Ipsofacto, if you diet you are sinning. Hey people, God has spoken here.

But if you still think you need some help, let me offer some simple solutions.

1.     When you eat, have 4 bites of whatever you want and then drink a big gulp or two of water. Then have 4 more bites and repeat.

2.     When you drink, have any drink that you want but have a big glass of water before you have another drink.

3.     Walk. When you go to the mall, don’t drive around for 30 minutes waiting for the one spot near the door. Park in the back and walk to the store.

4.     Have regular sex. It really is an excellent source of exercise and really boosts your heart rate (Well, if you have the right person it will)

See, it’s only three simple things and I guarantee you that you will lose weight and your metabolism will begin to kick back into gear. Once that happens, you will NEVER have to worry about weight again. And if you need a “trainer” for the sex part . . .

Oh, one last thing. When you lose weight you lose boobs. Need I say more?

Ok, I do have some news that I probably should share. And I really was going to do just that today. But I have chosen to be misleading and not tell. I have been back and forth on this, but the truth is I don’t have all the facts yet. Even though you have no idea what I am talking about, I determined that my secret should not be shared until I do have all the facts. And you know me; I won’t eat, sleep or rest until I have all the facts.

You know, that was a real despicable thing to do now that I think about it. I probably shouldn’t have said anything. But I already hinted in a previous journal, and the ORGANIZED (not anal) me took over and had to follow up. Sorry.

Finally, I’ve never used a hooker (Honest). But the more I think about it the concept of a hooker is more productive and more economical. I mean today a guy could easily drop $200 on a date, and not even get a good night kiss. For the same $200 we could be guaranteed Bambi and Thumper in matching negligees. Hey, I’m just saying . . .

So, how have I done with my first PUBLIC journal? Geez I hope someone reads it.

Again Sunshine, thanks for the tip and the help.

Have a SUPER weekend. I can honestly say I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for all of you.

[BIG KISS]