My Journal 032

I recently explained that I don’t attend church, and I gave my reasons then. But I do believe that there is a god. Well, at least I talk to someone frequently that I presume is listening. I mean I did pray for beautiful, sexy and nice friends and suddenly all of you popped into my life.

Thank you god!

One of the beliefs that I have is that god won’t give you more to deal with than you can handle. Yet, in addition to this, I do believe that if you’ve done wrong you will have to pay a penance at some point. My problem is that I never know if I am being tested or punished, and that would be valuable information.

So, as I mentioned I have this big secret problem. I wouldn’t say that I fear this, but I will say that it is a concern. Well, while I am sifting through these thoughts I have another frustrating situation with which I am coping. It’s one of those deals where I can’t be myself. You know the type, right? You want to do something but you have to stop and think through everything first, and then re-think everything, and then do it again. For a guy that just likes to act first and deal with the consequences later, this is EXTREMELY frustrating.

Also, I’ve got one kid that has been in therapy and jail for a long time now. Every time he goes out I wonder if this is going to be THE TIME that he screws up. Or maybe this night will be the night that darn gang tracks him down. I couldn’t live with myself if I wasn’t there, with him, at that moment.

While that is rolling around in my mind, my other boy has a situation too. I don’t know the whole story, but he went out with the wrong chick or something like that. Now some moron is hassling him. Since I have to pass though his neck of the woods frequently, I did stop and have a “chat” with the moron recently. But I don’t think I can scare people like I used to be able to do. Anyway I still worry.

All this, coupled with the normal crap that we have to deal with on a daily basis has had me doing a lot of thinking lately. I had reached the point where I felt that this time I was being punished, and that maybe it would turn out to be more than I could logically handle.

And that is when god, or fate, or whatever stepped in again.

This weekend is so jam packed with stuff to do that I ended up having to spend my Friday night doing my laundry and ironing my clothes. Yup, I’m a real party animal this weekend. Oh, on a side note, I watched a movie called “The Hurt Locker”. It was good.

Sorry, back to my point. I decide to grab a beer and take a 5 minute break from my chores when my phone rings. Hmmm, sad isn’t it. I’m wearing ugly plaid shorts, a long sleeve t-shirt and yet I still have my darn phone clipped to my shorts. Me, the guy that hates phone calls? Oh well, I look at the phone and a local number is displayed.

Let me explain my phone philosophy. I load the number of anyone I would speak with on my phone. If a name appears on the display then I answer. If a number displays then I assume it is someone with whom I would not prefer to speak with and I don’t answer. Following tradition, I should have let the call go to voice mail. But for some unknown reason I had this urge to answer the call.

I do answer my phone with my usual one word, “Yeah?” Then I hear this female voice, very nervously ask, “Is this **** ****? (My name). Now here is the first amazing thing. I recognized the voice. I had heard that voice once before in my life, only once. And it was for about 15 seconds that I heard it. And I haven’t heard it since. I still have no idea why I remembered that voice; there is probably no logical reason. But I did.

I replied, “Is this Latanya?” This was followed by dead silence, well for a moment or two. Then the voice replied, “You remember me?”

All this may sound very odd or inconsequential to you. But it was one of those signs from somewhere that life is good. This phone call turned out to brighten my world. And not because of a relationship I may have had with her because I didn’t. Heck, I only was around her for about 30 minutes once in my life many years ago. But it was the fact that on this day, while I am in this situation, the call came through. That is what renewed my faith in life.

So let me back up a bit and share something that I haven’t told you yet. You may have read where I won an award this summer. It was given to me for coming to the aid of a 23 year old college girl named Latanya many years ago. I had never met her before, nor did I even know she existed. But by coincidence or “happenstance” our lives became intertwined one night for about 30 minutes.

It was the Holiday Season, I remember this because I was listening to my Christmas CD’s (which I faithfully do from the day after Thanksgiving until New Years day). I left work late; it was dark but not too cold. So I had my windows down, my music low and I just wanted to get some food and a shower. That was when I heard something. I was still in the 5^th ward, near a lot of old buildings. I stopped and listened again, and yes I heard it again. It was a woman’s voice calling for help.

Long story short, she was in a very bad situation. Even though many cars were passing by, I was the only one that stopped. What happened wasn’t important and I don’t like talking about this kind of stuff. But the award I received was for that night.

Actually, if you read my recent story there was a scene where the male character and the female character were in a bad situation. He looked at her and asked her what her name was. That part of the story was based on this incident. There were several males in this alley with Latanya on that night too.

I was told by one male that if I just left, that I wouldn’t be harmed. I had spotted Latanya and she was visibly hurt and worried. I stared at the male that gave me the warning, walked right past him to Latanya, and asked her what was her name. She gave me an odd look, but then told me. I told her my name and somehow came up with this line.

“Latanya, I have no idea what is going to happen in the next minute. But I can promise you right now that whatever happens; you and I will deal with it together. You will not be alone.”

I know, sounds like a corny Clint Eastwood line or something. But it did relax her. You see most people can deal with pain and death fairly well. But what bothers most people is having to do it alone. No one wants to die alone. Or at least that is my belief.

About 30 minutes later Latanya was taken to a hospital and I was treated and released. I never heard from her again; until last night. I do remember giving her my business card (Hey, she was cute). But I always figured she tossed that in an attempt to forget that horrible night in her life. Yet here she was, calling me years later.

We only talked for about 5 minutes. I really don’t know her and she really doesn’t know me. Basically she called to say thank you, which I thought to be very touching. I’m not the type of guy that needs praise or congratulations. But hearing from Latanya was EXACTLY what I needed.

I guess from that call I realized that life is precious; and that people are good. I also remembered that guy that walked into a dark alley and had no fear. I liked that guy. He just did what needed to be done. He didn’t stop to think about shit, or try to figure stuff out. He did what he wanted, said what he wanted, and took what he wanted; regardless of how it might affect other people. The funny thing is that people liked that guy too.

Somewhere I lost that guy. Now I do what other people say, and try to do things that I think they want me to do. Hey, that guy isn’t back yet. But at least I know who he is again. I’ll find him too.

I actually did ask someone one of my direct questions last night. See, I will find that guy again someday.

Oh, Latanya graduated with a Marketing Degree and is getting married in the spring. She didn’t invite me, but like I said before, we really don’t know each other. Anyway, she is doing great and I am so happy for her.

I never finished my laundry. Instead I opened a bottle of wine and put on some Christmas music. Last night life was good again; and I had a nice night without worrying about all my crap. That was almost better than sex . . . . I said ALMOST!

I’ll leave you with a few of the Lyrics from the theme song to Transformers 2.

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I'll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done