My Journal 031

I was watching a political advertisement last night. I really don’t know any of the people running for office today, but what I did realize is that I can do a much better job. I do believe that we need someone leading us that has actually run a business before, and led large groups of people also. We need someone who can be tough, yet charming. We need someone who is fearless, creative, and has a “never say die” attitude.

Now in all honesty, I would never run for a public office. As most people have skeletons in their closet, I have to keep my skeletons in a warehouse. And even though I do share most of my past indiscretions with people I know and trust, I really don’t want the whole world knowing what a pig I once was. Additionally, I doubt anyone would vote for me. Well, maybe the intelligent and participating folks would. But I believe that there are more folks in this country today that do participate yet have no clue what they are doing. It is a sad state of affairs.

But as I watched these political ads, I wondered what my first speech to the American people would sound like. This would be the speech introducing me as a brand new political candidate. And since I never played for the Junior Varsity, I would only run for the largest office in the world today . . . the President of the United States.

Here is how I would imagine my speech going.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PRESENT OUR NEW CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

[Rousing applause]

Hello America, I’m here to apply for the job of President of YOUR country and I’d like for you to consider hiring me. Now at this point you’re probably wondering, “Why the heck should I hire this guy?” Heck, I’m thinking the same thing. So I will let you know that if you hire me you will ABSOLUTELY hate me for 4 years. I will piss you off like no one ever has before. You will cuss me, throw things at me, and probably try to find some psycho NRA nutcase to take a shot at me. Now you’re probably wondering why I would say that. I say that because the Presidency of the United States is NOT a popularity contest. The boss has to do what is best for the country taken as a whole. That means I will do what is best for the country . . your country. But I will not necessarily do what is best you, the individual. I will tell you the truth, and you won’t like it. But that is not my problem, it’s yours.

I will also add that if I can do what I plan to do, then 10 years from now you will be singing my praises and building libraries in my honor; and there had better be a section for the Playboy Forum Magazines in that darn library. You see the things I want to accomplish will take time. In four years you will not see discernable results, just growing pains. But I want to start us moving in a new direction. And the way these damn Senators and Congressman are today, it will take time.

You see, in my opinion, this government is a mess. It is the laughing stock of the entire world. The stink of it is that they are not the ones to blame. I am the one to blame because I hired some of these idiots. You are the ones to blame also. You hired them too. Then they didn’t do anything, and you didn’t fire them. Then to make matters worse, you hired them again; and again. Heck, if you hired a maid and she walks in, sits down, puts her feet up and starts drinking your beer; you wouldn’t pay her when she says that she is done would you? But you are doing it with these idiots.

We can change all that, and I am the ass hole that will volunteer to walk them out the door. But people it will take longer than 4 years to fix this cess-pool; and I have no interest in being here longer than 4 years. I enjoy sipping Jack Daniels, smoking a little pot, and banging hot chicks. I can’t do that while I am your President. I will give it up for 4 years, but not for 4 years and a one day. My goal is to bring all the turds to the top of the toilet. Your job will be to hire someone after me to scoop them out after I quit.

Now I am not going to begin this process by lying to you. So I won’t tell you what I WILL do. Hell, I have no idea what I will do. I’ve never had this job before and I have no idea how to get around all those idiots politicians you hired. But I will say this; I will learn the job faster than anyone else in this country. And if anyone can out-con these con men that we hired it will be me. Basically, it is such a mess that there is no guarantee of success; but I can give you better odds of success.

Now then, let me share with you my thoughts on some important issues so you can decide if my thoughts mirror your thoughts. If they do, then hire me. If our thoughts don’t mirror each other, then hire some else. Just don’t hire the same guy you have had.

Ok, here we go.

Our Political System

Today we have Republicans, Democrats, and a bunch of other little changelings. People, all these groups are really just some form of a fraternity or gang. They don’t work together. They party together though, and that is about it folks. If you hire based on their “party” then you are contributing to the problem.

Hire the guy that thinks like you regardless of his party affiliation. Don’t listen to what he says he is going to do because he is lying. Ask him what he plans on trying to do and then ask him how he intends to pay for it. If he doesn’t have an answer on the tip of his tongue then he has no plan. Move on to another guy and don’t hire him.

We are a country of individuals, not a country of “parties”.

US Armed Forces

Folks, we have the most devastating and dangerous war machine the world has ever known. Our brave men will fearlessly go where most of us only have nightmares about. They will go with pride, and do as you the boss have instructed them to do. They are honorable, courageous and strong. Our military can destroy an entire village or a single gnat with the same ease. They are incredible, but they have to stay maintained.

But in my opinion, we need to take care of our problems here first. The purpose of the military is to protect you, the American people. If some other country needs our help, well wait in line buddy. When we have time we’ll get to you.

If you decide that you do want to help some foreign country and you are willing to send our men into harm’s way to do it; then there is a price to be paid. We will bill the country in advance for our services. It’s simple, no check to boom-boom. And the price that they must pay will be a premium price, which will go towards paying our troops double time for any involvement not directly related to our country’s safety.

And once we assign them a task, whether it’s protecting us or helping someone else, the military will call ALL the shots. We will give them a goal and basically say, “Go get ‘em boys!” That is what they do best.

Terrorism

As I said, we are the “bad news bears” of this world. Terrorists will be put on notice. Attack any American or American property and you will be killed; along with your friends, your enemies, your neighbors, your wife and kids, your parents and siblings . . . hell, I’ll even shoot your dog myself. Basically, don’t mess with us.

If you do, then I will throw a dart at a map of the Middle East. The world will have only 48 hours to bring the son-of-a-bitch to me or I will freakin’ nuke the area where the dart is stuck. Why only the Middle East? Hey, we’re not stupid. That’s where you live moron.

Oh, it doesn’t stop there. After I nuke one spot, out comes the dart and I toss again. The clock is ticking Mustafa! Someone will bring me the culprit eventually, I promise.

Entitlements

[Cough]

Pardon me. That one got kind of hung up in my throat. Folks let me explain the purpose of the government. The government is here to maintain an army and handle challenges that an individual cannot handle alone. For example, if the road leading to your house is in bad shape, you wouldn’t have the money or the manpower to fix it yourself. You would probably have to contact all your neighbors, and collect money and help; of course after arguing for months on the specific type of tar to use. This is what the government does for you. We will collect your money and repair the road for you.

Folks, other than those two things the government owes you nothing! We don’t owe you money if you’re too stupid to keep your job. We don’t owe you money if you choose not to carry insurance. We don’t need to subsidize you if you’re too inexperienced to grow and sell wheat cheaper than the Chinese do. People, those are your problems. But hey, if you lose your job I’d be glad to give you the number of the IRS. They probably have your neighbor’s phone number on file if you don’t have it. Ask your neighbor for help, not us.

And since I mentioned the IRS . . .

Internal Revenue Service

They are gone! (well except for a dozen or so to answer the phones) And so are all the freakin’ tax laws. Heck, if an educated man can’t figure out his own taxes then something is desperately wrong with the system. So let’s make it easy for everyone. Every time you get paid, whether it’s a paycheck, a contract labor check, a dividend, anything; the government will require the person paying you to withhold 5% and send it to the government. That’s it. No more tax returns. You send us a form showing what you received and we will take it from there. Oh, and you get to keep the other 95% of your own money. Trust me, our government can make do on that amount.

Social Security

Guess what folks, your government pissed away your retirement. They will be fired. We will take any money that is left and divide it among you on a pro-rata share based on what we told you that you were due. You won’t get it all, but you will get some.

After that, you are on your own. Use the 7.65% that you won’t have to give away anymore to start your own retirement fund. It won’t be tax free, but it will be yours. If you choose to spend all your money and not save, then I know a couple of really nice bridges . . . and Safeway has some old boxes. Knock yourself out buddy.

Ok, that is it. The job interview is over. Make me an offer by tomorrow or I’ll go back to my Jack Daniels, Pot, and pussy. Either way, I win. So, what are you going to do?