My Journal 100

So this is my journal number 100. Who would have “thunk” it?

I wanted to write something special for this journal. After long thought, this is what I came up with. I will give you a little of everything. It’s different, but it is honest and it is me.

~

I believe that when life ends there is nothing left. But it was suggested that we do have to face our god in the end and explain our life. If that is true then here is how my final speech may go.

Hey god!

I guess I didn’t measure up to everything you expected. I’m really sorry about that. You gave me a lot of tools and I sort of pissed them away. I don’t know if you accept failures in Heaven, but whatever you decided, I will accept it.

I guess I need to apologize for a lot of stuff first.

I am sorry that I hit Kyle in kindergarten. I shouldn’t have been upset that he called me by my full name. I never imagined I would ruin his hearing for life. I am so sorry for this.

I am sorry I joined a gang as a kid. I apologize for everything I stole, everyone I terrorized, and everyone I hurt. For what it’s worth, I really believed that I had no choice. I didn’t want to be killed as a kid, and I was told this was my only way to survive. I am sorry for this.

I am sorry that I once became so angry that I took revenge. BUT, I am not sorry for what I did to them. They killed my best friend Johnnie, they knocked me into a coma and continued beating me while unconscious; and then they raped David just because he was weak. Punish me for this if you must, but I would hunt them down again just like before.

I am sorry for all the women I used. You gave me the ability to charm women, and I used it for the wrong reason. These women cared about me, and I used that to my advantage. But I think we are already sort of even on this matter. I was never able to find love, and I guess that was my penance. I am sorry for this.

I am sorry I destroyed that kid’s knee in High School, ruining his athletic career. I was angry and I took it out on him. I was never able to tell him I was sorry. I heard he never got a scholarship because of me. I also heard he overdosed a year after High School. I am sorry for this.

I am sorry I gave up on my football friends. Maybe if I were there for them their lives would be different. Jessie committed suicide; I was a close friend yet I had no idea why he made that choice. Scott got mixed up with drugs; I was a close friend and I never went to him. I kept telling him I was too busy. He never made it out of rehab. Tony was kicked out by his parents and I didn’t even offer to let him live with me. I heard he had to live on the streets, and I have no idea where he is today. Bobby had a lot of issues; and I never listened. I thought my world was more important. He vanished years ago. I pray he is alright today. I let them all down and for that I am sorry.

I am sorry I lied so much. I wished I hadn’t. Yet I did finally realize this fault and spent my adult life always trying to be totally honest. I found that sometimes being honest is not easy, and most people choose the easy path. But I hated being lied to, so I stayed true.

I am sorry for all the people I killed, and for all the people who died because of me. I really am not a weak man. You didn’t make me that way. You made me to be the protector. But this almost pushed me over the edge. I remember them all. They lived with me for years. I can never forgive myself for what I did. I am so sorry for this.

I am sorry I never could keep friends. I did try, but I always messed things up. Maybe my mind wasn’t right. Maybe I just never learned how to keep friends. Maybe I never really wanted friends. You created me to be a loner and to always handle things myself. You made me capable of being alone. You made me able to hide my feelings, and my emotions. Maybe I was supposed to be alone. But if not then I am sorry for this.

I am sorry I never told anyone I was dying. Maybe it wasn’t fair to them. Maybe I should have trusted more. I just knew they had busy lives of their own and didn’t need my problems. I am sorry for this.

But my life wasn’t all bad lord. I did do some good.

I have children that will be men among men. They are bright, driven and good people. I have kept them away from the life I knew as much as I could. They will do great things. Please give them a chance.

I saved lives too. I pulled my sister out of a pool once and revived her after she had drowned. I dove into the gulf and saved my cousin from drowning too. And I saved a man once that had been shot. I stopped so many people from being abused thanks to the strength and skills you gave to me. I hope that I saved many more lives that I don’t know about. Only you know the “what if” part of life.

You knocked me down many times. You brought me to my knees more times. You broke my heart a hundred times. You humbled me, humiliated me, and destroyed me. But for what it is worth, you made me resilient. I ALWAYS GOT BACK UP. And no matter what was happening in my life, I tried every day to make the people around me smile. I won every battle, except my last.

Sorry lord, but those are the only good things I can think of. But it is something. The rest is up to you. Like I said, I am prepared for whatever you decided. I had my hell on earth, and I will deal with eternal hell if you so choose.

But I ask for mercy. I tried to live my adult life as a different person. I tried to be someone of which you would be proud. I just don’t know if the few things I did make up for all the bad I did.

I have a favor to ask of you, even though I know I don’t deserve it. I have these wild and crazy people in my life that put up with me longer than anyone else. All four of them have an attitude, and I like their attitude. But this attitude could get them into trouble in the future. Since I won’t be there to protect them anymore, could you introduce them to someone like me, only better? I need to know that someone will be there to watch over them, like I have for so long.

And if they ever get sad, depressed, or are just having a bad day; please whisper in their ear to look to the west. I will leave them many beautiful sunsets to enjoy. And if you would, remind them that while they are watching my sunset, I will be right there beside them, holding their hand and watching it too.

That is it. I am ready now. So, where do I go from here?

~

My psychic (Kat) sent this to me once. She said the traits were definitely me.

Aries Key Words

Strengths: Courage, determination, self-confidence, honesty, enthusiasm.

Weaknesses: Impatience, silly arguments, allowing fear to limit choices.

Charismatic marks: Athletic body, youthful attitude, a need to take the lead.

Likes: Comfortable clothes, taking the lead, physical challenges, individual sports.

Dislikes: Inactivity, delays, being ignored, dishonest people, work that doesn't use one's talents.

Best environment: Any situation that requires action, courage in the face of fear, competition, and freedom of choice. Aries individuals are better outside being active than staying close to home.

BIG HINT – THOSE THAT FLIRT WITH MY DISLIKES DON’T HANG AROUND LONG.

~

And now, part of a story about a lunch date I once had. Well, at least the part of the story BEFORE it gets too descriptive. Enjoy.

LUNCH

He knocks on the door. He has already decided that he will be very appropriate, but watch very closely for signs. He has no idea if he is invited over simply for a lunch or if he is invited over for something else. But he is determined that unless she behaves differently, it will JUST be a lunch.

The door opens and she stands there smiling. She is wearing a T-shirt and shorts. He figured his first thought would be to determine if she had a bra on underneath her shirt, but his attention was immediately drawn to her legs. They were very athletic and she had the perfect amount of tint to her skin. She wore no shoes today.

She finally had to break his distracted behavior and ask him if he was coming in or standing outside all day. He smiled and entered. He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek as he walked past her. She closed the door behind him and told him to have a seat and she would get lunch. She moved towards the kitchen. As she past him he smelled her perfume. Her scent was intoxicating. It always had been. She always told him that she never applied perfume during the day, but on many days in the middle of the day her scent would fill the room.

His thoughts about her perfume ended as he watched her walk away. She had a large and very nice butt. As he watched her shake it while she walked he remembered one night when they were romantic. They were so passionate that he had made love to her while she still had on her thong panties. After, she was on her knees on the bed and backed that big beautiful butt up to his groin and began rubbing her ass on his crotch. Yes, they had wild sex again and it was incredible.

He finally made his way to the dining table. She brought out some tacos and placed them in front of him. She apparently wasn’t eating that day. He tried the food, but to be honest he had no idea how it tasted. He couldn’t keep his mind off of her and the fact that he was alone in her apartment.

They had some very casual conversation while he ate, which wasn’t long. Then they sat at the table and talked some more. He couldn’t tell you what they talked about. She was so sexy, even though she wasn’t trying that he was fighting the urge to grab her. At this point he felt confident that the invitation was just for lunch. This was fine with him as he was simply impressed that she cared enough to invite him into her world.

Then she surprised him by asking if he wanted to see her bedroom. Immediately many thoughts ran through his head, but he quickly squashed them reminding him that this was just lunch.

She took his hand and they walked down a short hallway to her room. It was definitely a woman’s room. He looked around as she smiled with pride. He checked out the closet and some pictures she had on the wall. She pointed out to me a gift he had given to her which she displayed on her dresser.

They had joked before about her shoes. She had several pairs of heels, which was a big weakness of his. Knowing this, she closed the bedroom door to show him her shoetree on the back of her door. His attention went directly to my favorite pair. He reached up and took one of his favorites from the slot. She laughed and commented that she knew he would go for that pair. He smiled and reminder her that he was very fond of those heels.

To his surprise, she offered to put them on for him. Without waiting for a response, she took the shoe from his hand and slipped it onto her bare foot while using his shoulder for balance. She stared into his eyes the entire time. Then she grabbed the other heel from the door and set it on the floor in front of him. She placed both of her hands on his shoulders as she slipped her foot into the second shoe.

Once it was on, she was a bit taller, and her face was right in front of him. She just stood there looking at him. He realized he was alone in her bedroom, with the door closed, while she had on his favorite heels. Aw, fuck the nice guy routine.

He ran his hands through her hair and slipped it behind her ears. He locked his fingers behind her neck and slowly moved in to kiss her. Their lips met and she made a short gasp. Their soft, gentle kiss quickly became a deep passionate kiss. Their tongues met just past her lips as he slid his hands down to her hips, pulling her close to him.

They never stopped kissing. It had been so long since they had any time together that he was uncomfortably erect. He pulled her hips to his groin. He slowly released her hips and slid his hands up, pulling her shirt up as he did. She raised her arms to assist him with removing her top. As soon as her top hit the floor, he quickly removed her bra, exposing the largest and most inviting breast he had even seen.

He placed his mouth on her nipple. He licked the tip of her nipple; while he secretly unzipped her shorts and watch them drop to the floor. She stepped out of her shorts without removing those sexy heels. He stood perfectly still and looked at this beautiful woman he was happy to call his friend. She stood in front of him wearing only a thong and heels, and he wanted to run his hands all over her sexy body.

She leaned into him and kissed him again, while she unzipped his pants. To save time he removed his shirt and shoes as his slacks fell to the floor.

They were standing next to her bed, sharing a deep and moist kiss. She stopped, took his hand and walked him to her bed. She turned towards him and lay down on her back on the bed as he stood and watched. She put her hands out as if asking him to lie on top of her.

This was the most beautiful moment in his life. He was alone with the most beautiful and sexiest woman he ever met, and she was lying in her bed reaching out to him. He slowly ran his hands up her thighs as she closed her eyes in anticipation.

~

Have a great weekend . . . . . and life!