I am in the middle of evaluating new opportunities. I am bored and frustrated with what I do to earn a buck today. So I need to vent a bit, and as usual advice is appreciated.
I am a horrible employee. I know more than most people and I am direct and demanding. So if my boss is an idiot or is making bad decisions I tend to be fairly vocal, and often times rude. I hate rules (other than my own) and I hate being told what to do. Now, in a perfect situation I could be a good employee. But not too many of those situations exist.
One that may possibly qualify has been presented. But there are some personal challenges that make it complicated. So it is definitely a second option. At least the money is closer to where it should be. But this opportunity will be discussed on another date.
The opportunity I want to discuss is one that I don’t know that I want, and don’t know if I am capable of performing.
A few of you may already know this, but I will share for those who don’t. Many years ago I had an interesting job. Please note that I didn’t use the word career. I never had any intention of making that job a career. I actually hated many parts of that job. But as sickening as it may sound, I thrived on being really great at something; even if it was disgusting.
Additionally, my contact to that past was my friend Frank. And he is no longer with us. I felt that one good thing to come from his demise was that this particular part of my life would now vanish. But Frank has “associates” and I knew some of them, just not real well. One of these associates, who I did meet once, has sort of taken over Frank’s business. He has been in contact with me.
The up side to this arrangement is that I will be my own boss. I can pick and chose the jobs that I want. The pay is really amazing also. And the actual time spent “working” is very small. It’s like you have to work once about every 4 -5 weeks, and the rest is down time. Now the down time is sort of a mis-use of words. In the down time there is a lot that I should be doing, like keeping in shape, etc.
And even though I am not “In love” with this job, it was mentioned to me that perhaps this was what I was built to be. I actually hate the thought of that. I mean why couldn’t I have been built to be a doctor or a model instead?
The down side is I have to become distant to the people I care about, like you. I have to limit what we talk about, and you will never know where I am or what I am doing. I will have to lie to you and everyone else a lot, and with my trust issues that would be a BIG problem. You see, if I lie to you then I assume you are lying to me. Then I get angry, do shit I shouldn’t do, and lose a friend.
But the worst part of it is that if I get injured (like last weekend) or worse, you may never know. You will just think that I am pissed at you or avoiding you. And what if I find someone special? What if this person was looking for me too? What do I do then?
Additionally, when I was great at this particular job I was about 20 years old. Back then, no matter the situation, I KNEW that I was at a minimum dead equal to my opponent; no matter who he was. Usually I had quite an advantage. Most people are trained to defend themselves. I never had that training, which is why I suck at fighting. All I knew how to do is inflict pain. The problem is that I am not 20 anymore. So what if I am now just a big goof?
I know! Most of the stuff I discuss makes me sound like “Captain Bizarro”. But this is how my mind works.
My gut reaction is that I will not take this opportunity. I have two reasons for this thought.
First, I sort of enjoy having friends like you. I really haven’t had a lot of close friends in my life. I have a lot of people that like me, and I do things with them. But I am VERY good at keeping my thoughts and feelings hidden. So people never are allowed to get to close to me. When I finally find someone that for whatever the reason I trust them; then I tend to initiate a flood of information. This tends to overwhelm many people and drives them away.
So I cherish those that know me and choose to stay. I don’t want to lose that.
Second, my goals have changed a lot in the past few years. I want to be someone that a special person trusts, depends on, and needs. I don’t want them to need me because I beat someone up. I want to be needed for my kindness and giving ways. That doesn’t mean that if a bad situation appears I won’t jump into it with both feet. I am very protective and I will protect this person from anyone or anything.
I know it sounds goofy, but I want moon lit walks on the beach with an amazing woman. I want to come home every day to someone I cherish, and that cherishes me too. I want someone that makes every guy lusts after her, but who always leaves with me. I want candle light dinners, Christmas kisses, Sunday morning sex, I want it all.
So I can’t see how becoming distant, rude and a liar would get me to here I want to be?
Anyway, this is just one option. So please forget that I am technically insane and give me your honest thoughts.
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