My Journal 093

“People die every day. Men will die today. Let’s make sure you are not one of them.”

I didn’t hear the comment myself as I was not allowed to attend briefings. But I was told that it was said and I believe that it was said. I was in Afghanistan for over 6 weeks and I actually got close to some guys there. I attached a picture once, asking if anyone could find me in the photo. My old friend Frank was in that photo also. It’s the only proof of my existence back then.

As you know I have struggled with events from this time in my life. I try to convince myself that the things I did saved many lives, thus making it all “livable”. But it is just a guess. I could have been lied to all along. I have been lied to all along by a lot of people in my life. And nothing I did can be verified as being good, I just have to trust and we know how good I am at that. I suck.

But March 02 is the day I celebrate for doing something that can be verified as good. So March 02 is another day that I have marked down on my internal calendar. I have a lot of important dates in my internal calendar. For those of you who know me well, then you know I am sort of distant in early July. Memorial Day is a big one for me too. Let’s see, there is also:

April 07 ~ April 18 ~ August 06 ~ October 10 (Yup, your birthdays rate up there too and I do something for you on your birthday’s)

So, on Wednesday March 02 I will wear my pin. Many years ago I saved a man’s life. And it wasn’t like the time I pulled my sister out of the pool or dove in the gulf and grabbed some cousin of mine. This was a decision I made, under duress, and risking my life.

It’s funny to think back to that moment. I always wanted to be the hero, but it is easy to be the hero when you are not risking anything. Yet to be the hero when your ears are ringing from explosions, hisses and pops are all around you and people lie dead near you; then being a hero is a lot more difficult. I thought about it for a split second, but then got up and ran to offer aid. And the guy lived.

Four men died that day. I guess I figured 5 was one too many. The whole time I was doing that job I only told two people my real name. My friend Frank was one, and this guy was the other. He has since died from health issues unrelated to his service of country. We never spoke after he was flown out. But apparently he did speak to someone. He told his son of our story. His son looked me up a few years ago to inform me of his father’s passing.

He sent me a box, with two pins in it. They were his father’s pins. He wrote me a short note, maybe 30 words, to thank me for what I did for him, not just for his dad. He was thanking me. Being a typical guy, I threw the note away when I was finished reading it. I sort of wish I hadn’t done that now. That letter made me feel good, and many days I need that feeling again. But it’s gone, so instead I celebrate this day.

I gave one pin away to someone. I still have the other. I will wear mine. This is why I contacted all of you and asked you to wear something patriotic on Wednesday. Yes it is just for me. Yes it is childish to want to be recognized. Yes I am a jerk for asking. But hey, I want one day for me. So I ask the only people who might say alright.

“If you believe in fate, FIGHT for it”

I ran into LL Saturday at the BBQ cook off. She told me that line. She said I could write about this, but to still use her “codename”. I am a spiritual guy; I believe that there are signs all around guiding me along life’s path. I believe that sometimes I try to ignore the signs I don’t want to recognize, and sometimes I try to make things into signs that I want. I do believe in fate.

Guilty!

But I was there alone. My friends were going in the evening and I was surprised to find out that I was babysitting Saturday night. So I went early because I used to rodeo and I love the people that attend these events. She was there too, and she came alone as well. Now she was planning on meeting up with some friends. But still, I believe it was fate that we ended up in the same place at the same time, when we weren’t speaking.

But we met, and we talked, and she told me that line above. We had a moment. Not a sexual moment; but a moment of clarity. She has been around for a long time. She has expressed an interest. I have avoided it, but have remained close to her. Maybe I have been fighting the wrong fight. So why not give it a shot?

She tells me like it is. She tells me what she wants. And I can tell her anything. We argue a lot, mainly because we are so much alike. But the arguments never last, and it is good to get things out in the open.

On Wednesday we will meet. She promised to wear something patriotic and also something that she knows I REALLY liked to see her wear. (Ummm) We decided we will take it one day at a time and see what happens. And she only asked one thing of me. It was something that she has asked before, and I refused. But as I learn more I begin to believe that once again maybe she was right all along. So I agreed to her request, while we figure this thing between us out.

My gut is sitting this one out. All I know is she has been there for years, and she never given up on me. She never keeps things from me. And she always checks in with me, no matter what.

I guess I’ll keep you informed.