My Journal 166

I was having a discussion with a friend recently about some friendship issues I am having. I am trying to be a normal person and have friends and / or relationships. I am new at this so when things don’t go as I plan I become frustrated. I’ve always gotten what I want either by becoming smarter, stronger, faster, or simply working harder than everyone else. But when it comes to relationships I can’t figure out how to get what I want. I’ve been trying for one for over a year now, and I keep feeling like I am failing.

So my friend tells me this . .

TRUE FRIENDS STAB YOU IN THE FRONT

I know that sounds a bit juvenile. But as I thought about it maybe this is the key to relationships. I’ve got a few friends of many years. Any one of them I can count on to tell me exactly what is going on. I always know where they are and what they are doing because we stay in touch. And if something bad is about to happen, they tell me up front. Like the phrase, if they have to stab me they do it in the front.

I have some new friends which may or may not hang around for the long haul. But as I thought about them I could see which ones would stab me in the front, and which one’s wouldn’t. Since I believe everyone will stab someone sometime, then it means that these other new friends would probably stab me in the back eventually. Knowing this makes it easier for me to decide with whom to spend my time.

And I use the word “stab” metaphorically. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a “stab”; it could just be that someone purposefully maneuvers behind your back. They may not actually stab me, but they are there just in case they have to. So when someone appears to have these secrets or hidden agendas, then I have to assume I am on that agenda.

As I am wrapping my brain around this concept, I am interrupted with another pearl of wisdom. .

LIFE IS ONLY PARTLY WHAT WE MAKE IT, AND MOSTLY WHAT IS MADE BY THE FRIENDS WE CHOOSE

This phrase took me back to my original point. I’ve always been able to make people want what I want. But I never did that in an attempt to develop something long term. A relationship; whether friendly, business, or romantic; can’t be determined by one person. If someone wants a relationship with me, I can refuse it. So I guess if I want a relationship with someone then they could refuse it too.

Ok, that part makes sense.

But what if the other person isn’t sure? What if they sort of might want a relationship, but for a different reason? That wouldn’t necessarily make them a ”user”. Maybe they want to keep someone around just in case.

This is where the concept of life is reflected in the above phrase. If I am trying for a relationship (friendly) then I have accepted this person as a friend. If I have accepted this person as a friend, even if the thought isn’t reciprocated, then they are affecting my life. I chose them.

And I can choose to give up.

So maybe what I need to do is stop trying for a relationship. (Argh! Me having to give up???) I can’t make someone be what I want or need. Either they are that person or they aren’t. A person may be someone that makes me notice them, and they may have MANY qualities I cherish. But if the biggest quality isn’t there, like allowing me into their life, then I may have to look for someone else.

I am learning folks. I’m just a relationship virgin I guess. But I am a winner so I will eventually find what I want . . . . and get it.