Even though I am facing another Saturday at work I figure most of you aren’t . . . so TGIF!!!!
No shout outs today. Instead I give you your individual report cards. I have this prepaid phone. I can go to the internet and see my texting activity. It sorts my messages by phone numbers. And it tracks the time between messages. So here is July and August averages.
[Ok, maybe I am a little anal]
Martel – I received a text from you on average every 2.32 hours.
Banana rama – I receive a text from you on average every 4.43 hours.
Lovelygirl – I receive a text from you on average every 5.67 hours.
HMPOA – I receive a text from you on average every 9.37 hours.
Sunshine – I receive a text from you on average every 57.98 hours.
I think I will arrange an annual award for the best performance, and a booby prize (No, not that) for the worst performance.
[Hello Sunshine . . . . are you listening?]
Today I will share my squirrel story with you. As most of you know, I took a beating Friday night. Yup, I was in another one of my crazy moods. So Saturday night my brother didn’t let me help him. He said it’s tough to claim you can protect someone when your face looks like a punching bag.
[Pissed away $200 with that one]
I stayed at the house, drank a few Bourbon and cokes, and hung with the three dogs. My feet were propped up on the coffee table, I was in my boxers, and I was watching a good college football game. I was in some pain, but my world was cool!
About the new puppy was having a fit and barking outside. I was on my fifth drink so I figured, “screw the pup”. But about 30 minutes later that same pup was having the same fit, only somewhere in the house now. I also noticed that her bark was muffled. So I had to get up and go check on her.
I entered the kitchen hollering to be quiet at the pup. That was when I saw her . . . . with a live squirrel in her mouth.
Of course my yelling frightened her enough to make her release the squirrel. The squirrel hits the floor running and off it goes through the house. Now the squirrel is running through the house screaming like a pig while the pup and I are racing around trying to corner it. But I am trying to beat the pup to the squirrel because I figure the pup would now kill her new toy, like she does all her toys.
At the same time, my dog and the idiot dog are scared shitless and running away. Since they are running from the squirrel, the squirrel follows them. Those two dogs are crying while trying to get away. It was like a cartoon or something. I mean imagine me while remembering I had the crap beat out of me the night before. My eye is swollen shut, my hands are swollen, my ribs hurt, and I am sprinting around the house chasing a damn squirrel while three dogs are running around crying and pissing in fear.
[Every try to corner a frightened squirrel?]
This crap goes on for 45 minutes, no shit! Finally the squirrel races past me and I snatch it by the tail. As I am lifting this squirrel up, I immediately realize just how stupid my action was. This squirrel could easily swoop around and bite or scratch the hell out of my arm. But I wasn’t about to drop the damn thing again.
Fortunately, the pup wanted her squirrel. So she kept jumping up trying to bite it. The squirrel was so focused on the pup that it didn’t pay any attention to me. Maybe it thought I was saving it’s life or something. I don’t know, but it never bit me.
I made it to the back fence and dropped the squirrel over. I have no idea if it survived the fall. Hell, maybe it had a frickin’ heart attack. I didn’t care because it was gone and now I could go back to being a “beat up” bum getting drunk on the couch.
Have a FANTASTIC weekend! Just remember to think about me once . . . . maybe twice?
Oh, and more topless pictures would be nice too!
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