My Journal 184

Just a couple of things . . . . .

I mentioned I was a part of the bussing project our government once installed. The best part of it all wasn’t that only about 6 Anglo kids actually were too poor to move away and were actually bussed. Nope, it was that in the ultimate wisdom of the governing bodies they opened the predominantly white schools one-day before the predominantly black schools. So the six of us actually got to see how poorly the black kids that had been bussed to the white school were treated.

And so did all the kids at the school I was now going to attend.

BRILLIANT!

So on my first day we were living targets. And of course it wasn’t too long before I was in a situation. One of the larger kids squared off with me in the hallway. I had to defend myself, so we fought. Most school fights only last a matter of seconds before one of the two, or both tire out; or a teacher steps in and breaks it up. But not in this school. When a fight broke out the teachers locked themselves in their rooms and just hoped someone called the cops. But this was way before cell phones, so the cops seldom came.

I wasn’t about to quit fighting due to being tired, and I wouldn’t lose. In my opinion, once I went down every other kid that was in the area would jump me. So I kept fighting. The fight lasted about 30 minutes, which is comparable to a professional heavy weight fight. It ended as we both stood there facing each other, too tired to throw one more punch and hoping the other guy felt the same way.

Two interesting things came of this fight. One was that the guy became my best friend. It’s odd how that happens, but it wasn’t the only time. He even told me once that he too was scared to death. Not of me, but of losing. He said if he lost a fight to the new "white" kid his friends would kill him.

So I had kept fighting to keep his friends from killing me now while he kept fighting to keep his friends from killing him later. Irony at it’s best.

The second interesting thing that happened, and of course what has led me to take a break from my vacation to write this down, was a comment he made to me months later. It was after school and he allowed me to play some basketball with him. We actually were having fun. In the middle of the game he stopped, looked my way, and said:

"I sure wish you weren’t white!"

I got his point and I am sure that you did too. It was simple. But as I remember it today it seems prolific.

You see, people can change a lot if they want to in an effort to build or keep a relationship. But just as I couldn’t change my skin color, there are some things that some people can’t or won’t change for anyone.

I only have a few friends. I only pick the best of the best with which to associate. I will do absolutely anything in my power for my friends. And I truly still believe that I don’t ask for much in return. You know . . . my three rules . . . blah, blah!

When I pick a friend with which to share, I guess I just expect that they don’t have to try to follow my rules. If they are a friend it just sort of happens. So when someone doesn’t play along I just figured that they wouldn’t change, so obviously they didn’t want a relationship as much as I do. So I would simply disappear from their life.

But now I tend to believe that there are times that people CAN’T change. Maybe they want to change and maybe they don’t. But regardless, they can’t change. It’s like me changing my skin color, it can’t happen.

My dilemma now is what to do. If I like someone and I want him or her in my life, I stay in touch, I do the typical things that one does when they like someone. I always felt that at some point my charm and friendship would change the "won’t" into a "will". But if they "can’t" change then it’s a whole new scenario. I get frustrated.

I will never get what I want out of the relationship because they can’t change their color, metaphorically speaking. Should I give up the moment I realize that it’s a case of can’t and not won’t? I have a right to need or want something from a relationship too, right?

This quandary has been at the root of my soul for about a week now. Yet tonight I finally realized that if someone genuinely wants a relationship, and there is something that they can’t change; then they could play basketball.

Again, metaphorically speaking.

If someone cares enough, yet can’t be one thing I need, then they could do something else to offset it . . . . if they WANT to. That is what a friend would do. And if they don’t try . . . .

Well, that makes it REAL simple. If you can’t change your color, and you won’t play basketball . . . then I need to find someone that will.

Ok, I started this by saying "Just a couple of things". This was just the first.

A story popped into my head again. It’s one of those that hopefully will make you think. Oh, and zero sex. (Sorry Lovelygirl and HMPOA) I will finish it tonight so email, text or call if you want to read it.