My Journal 075

I owe everyone something for today. As I wrote earlier, my weekend was strange and involved so many people that I care about. So I just couldn’t write it and put it out there for public display.

I decided to just tell you why I am a mess this month.

So, I came across some quotes pertaining to trust. I figured it would be a good discussion for today since this is why I’m a mess and have been for over a month. I definitely don’t base my decisions regarding trust on a bunch of darn quotes though. But by discussing these quotes maybe it will clear my head a bit and help my readers understand why I am so fucked up lately.

As most of you know, trust has been a big issue in my life. Recently it has been on my mind a lot. Not necessarily the belief in trust, but the ramifications of lost trust. I mean, I’ve sort of figured out that I will be deceived by people that I trusted. Shit happens, right?

But what happens then? I believe that I control the situation, so I can decide what to do next. It really doesn’t matter what the other party wants or needs. It’s up to me. It’s a tough decision. And it affects both me and the other party. Yet they can control how quickly things get back to normal.

Heck, I lie. Someone asks if they look fat in a specific dress, or tells me not to finish in a certain place; then I lie. But I would like to think that for the BIG things I strive to be honest. Actually, I have a hard time keeping facts straight in my head some days. I figure I’m screwed if I have to keep facts and lies straight in my head.

Away we go!

“The senses deceive us from time to time, and it is prudent never to trust wholly those who have deceived us even once.”
Rene Descartes

I’m not too sure I follow this quote completely. Seriously, if I never trusted someone who “pissed away” my trust then I wouldn’t have anyone left to trust. So the word “wholly” separates this comment a bit. That part I believe is true.

Once a trust is broken, and the reason isn’t to protect me (I NEVER need protecting) then I would admit that I tend to doubt most of what I am told from that point forward. I think trust can be rebuilt though. Just fess up and let’s get past it is my motto. I will ask why. That is my new push, to find out why. But more than likely the trust will improve once everything is back out in the open.

The odd thing is that I usually WANT to trust again. So I tend to give people chance after chance. But I’m no fool either. I am more cautious with what I share, and I spend a lot less time with the person.

“The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.“Stephen King

This comment focuses more on the deceiver than the innocent. So my fist comment is this, is anyone innocent?

I think that most people can figure out when they are being fed a line of bull shit. The problem is some people (recently me included) didn’t want to believe it is bull shit. Some people want the BS to be the truth, so that they can keep something. Maybe they want to keep the trust, or a relationship, or simply a belief in good people. So when someone is deceived it doesn’t guarantee that they are innocent. I guess I wasn’t in my example.

But the jest of this quote is true. A liar will use any hint of trust to confirm the deception. If I were to tell you something true, and you didn’t believe it; it wouldn’t bother me one tiny bit. I would just thank you for your time and move on, my job being complete. So when someone starts challenging me when I question something they have stated as fact, it tends to make me wonder.

“Men are able to trust one another, knowing the exact degree of dishonesty they are entitled to expect. “Stephen Leacock

Wow, this one fits perfectly in my “wheel house”. Like I said above, I believe everyone lies to some extent. I base my relationships on my ability to accept them as they are. I mentioned in a recent journal that one of my closest friends lies all the time. But she told me this at the very beginning. So I accept her honesty about deceptions.

In my interactions with her, I take all the she says and does with a grain of salt. But to me, she has other excellent characteristics that overshadow this one facet of her makeup. She is the most caring person I ever met. She truly loves everyone (and sometime literally). She is funny, outgoing and makes me feel good. But the most important aspect is she has never let me down. Every time I’m in a mood or in trouble I hear this “poof” and there she is.

I guess I am trying to say that I establish a degree of dishonesty with people, and hers is high. So I guess when I get seriously disappointed, it’s not that someone let me down. It’s that I mis-read them and set the degree of dishonesty too low. So I guess it’s my fault that I feel bad today.

Another of my personal philosophies pertaining to this quote is the concept of time. I believe that I own time. So if something happens and I am not certain f I am being deceived, I will give the person the benefit of the doubt. I will raise my caution level, and I will distance myself a bit. But if I am not sure then I choose to just wait it out. If it’s a lie, then in time it will rise to the surface.

Then I usually go one step further if I truly like the person. I will hint out the wazoo that I now know the truth and give them every chance possible to come clean. If they do then trust can be restored. If they don’t, even after I’ve made it adamantly clear, then it is up to them if they want to rebuild my trust. If they don’t care enough to try, or simply attempt to ignore it as if it will just go away; then I keep my distance.

Their loss!

“Loyalty and devotion lead to bravery. Bravery leads to the spirit of self-sacrifice. The spirit of self-sacrifice creates trust in the power of love.” Morihei Ueshiba

Ok, this one just touched me somehow. But it is true that the more loyal you are the greater the devotion, which leads to unequaled bravery. And bravery is truly self-sacrifice. You give of yourself, or risk all that you have for someone else. And that creates trust.

So maybe those that constantly abuse trust have deeper issues, like the inability to be loyal or to be devoted. This would cause fear in every facet of their lives, and create the need for more deceptions.

I feel for these people. I couldn’t imagine my life without these traits.

I have a friend that swears love doesn’t exist. As I think of them I can work this quote backwards. Now I will not presume to know them well enough to say that loyalty and devotion is an issue; but maybe?

Ok, the bottom line for all this crap today is that I was “taken in” by someone I trusted. It’s happened before and I am certain it will happen again in my life. But for some reason unbeknownst to me, this time it got to me. I think about it constantly and can’t seem to get past it.

Maybe it’s because I can’t figure out why; so I try to find where I failed.

Maybe it’s because I’ve given so many chances to clear this up; and I now assume they just care enough to try.

Maybe it’s because I was so humiliated; and I never want to feel this way again.

Maybe it’s other issues, like worrying about their current personal safety.

Maybe I’ve just had enough.

I’ll keep working on it though. Just don’t give up on me. I seldom fail when it’s this important. So I will be back to writing my usual thought provoking and sexually laden comments. But for now, take this small piece of advice.

My life has been such a cluster fuck that I don’t judge anyone or anything. So if anyone says or does something . . . . just tell me. The only way anyone can possibly lose my friendship is to deceive me. The actions mean nothing, the lie means everything.