Grab a glass of wine, kick your shoes off, have a seat and put your feet up. This is a long one.
It’s been two weeks now since “THE SHIT” happened. In my entire life I’ve never spent this much time trying to figure something out without success. To my friends, I apologize for being distant and not returning your calls, messages or emails. I know I am responsible for all my actions, but this really threw me for a loop.
This weekend I remembered that for the past 30 years, every three to four years I am called in for a meeting. I have to take a brief physical, I have an interview with the duty officer, and I have to sit down with the shrink. Now I personally don’t believe in shrinks, or doctors for that matter. I cannot see how chatting with someone who has no idea who you are can help. But then again, nothing else has worked to give me some understanding. So I called . . . . . Gag!
I decided that since they used me, broke me, fucked me up, turned me into a monster, and then cut me loose; that they now can do some shit for me. Actually, there are many services available that I am allowed to use for free. I just never wanted to. But now I figure why not. It’s there, it’s free, they want me to talk, and I am fuckin’ lost.
I had the number for the last doc with which I spoke. He was army, and became a shrink after. I have no idea what kind of a soldier he was, but he is an irritating shrink. He made me an appointment for Monday after work. And reluctantly I showed up.
I am there to find answers about my current situation which I can’t seem to figure out. Apparently he thought I was coming in to talk about the Georgia Republic Hamid Karzi , Afghanistan
Sort of . . .
First he asked me to talk about how I felt about this person. Seriously? I haven’t told her how I feel and I know her. I don’t know him so there ain’t no freakin way we’re having this discussion buck-o. He was a bit put back by my outburst.
Then he suggested we talk about why I am hurting. Geez, this guy sucks. Hey, when I found out that someone I really liked had a whole ‘nother world I knew nothing about . . . well it did fuck me over in pain. But that has long past. Now I am just looking for answers, and I can’t find any. Look doc; just point me to the door.
I was pacing by now, and my frustration was growing. I would have left, but he took me to an interview room, and the doors only open from the outside. But then finally he says something that made me stop. He asks me, “If you could ask her something what would it be?”
That turned on a light in my head. You see, there is nothing I want to ask her. Well, I mean anal me did put together a list of every single time something happened that was confusing, misinterpreted, or just an outright deceit, and I have about 200 questions written down to ask her someday. But that was for me to process all the shit she may have been doing. I truly have NOTHING I want to ask her.
No . . . . What I want is for her to talk to ME! I fucking deserve it. The damn doc smiled like he just won a pig at the state fair. And I returned to my seat, relaxing a bit. He asked me two more questions. He asked why I felt I deserve an explanation from her and what would I want her to say to me.
Hmmm, interesting . . . .
I answered him as to why I felt I deserved an explanation. But that is personal and as I have mentioned, I don’t discuss my feelings anymore. But I did with this nut job. Anyway, that was the trivial shit. The bottom line is that she owes me a phone call and an explanation. But it will NEVER happen.
Doc picked up on that last comment. He told me to move on to the second part of his original question, but that what I just said gave him some insight into a possible answer.
FUCK ME RUNNIN! You mean to tell your puny brain may have a logical answer to all this cock in bull madness, and you want to wait to tell me. The discussion became quite heated at that moment. But he assured me that he needed to hear my answer before he could conclude any more.
Lil prick!
I don’t know how many of you have ever been in a situation where you worked you ass off for something important to you. Maybe you tried for days, or maybe you tried for weeks or months. Maybe you prepared or trained or studied. Maybe it was school, or work, or even sports that you were focused on.
I have.
And there is this moment, a moment of ecstasy when after all your work and your sweat and your focus and your whatever . . . . you see the finish line. This feeling comes over you like you could tame the world. At that moment you are a god! Nothing can stop you from achieving this goal that you have worked so hard for, and that now is right in your grasp.
There is no feeling like that.
[Well, maybe a good blow job . . . . . but I digress]
So this guy claims he can see the finish line to my tribulation after talking to me for what now was only about 45 minutes. Yet he is telling me I have to work more to get it. I damn near killed him right then, but I had to let him live to give me his thoughts. I mean he is supposed to be educated in this shit, right?
Dammit . . . . FINE!
So I tell him what I would want her to say to me. That part was simple. All I want to hear from her is WHY. I don’t care if she tells me why she hid stuff for a year and a half and why she deceived me several times, ESPECIALLY this time; or if she just picks one moment, ANY moment, and tells me why she lied. It didn’t matter. I just needed to understand with certainty ONE DAMN THING about her. ANY DAMN THING! I don’t buy the “It’s none of your business” bull shit!
I thought I knew her. I trusted her with my secrets. I even talked about (gag) feelings with her. I DON’T DO THAT SHIT. And to FINALLY share that with someone, and then to find out that they are someone completely different rocked my mental stability. I went back to being the guy I used to be. When I was working for them I never cared about why, or people, or even myself. I just did shit.
“If you never give someone a clear shot, you will live longer”
Frank always told me that when he was alive. Keep moving, keep ducking, and never let anyone close. He said we were different people. He told me no one could ever care about us, and to try would always end up in a disaster. Yet I gave her a “CLEAR SHOT” firmly believing she would NEVER be one that would take that shot. But she did. And she struck me straight in the heart. I guess Frank was right, again.
Hell, I didn’t even know I had a heart.
There was silence then. Doc just sat there looking at me. I am freaking out, wanting him to turn on this giant floodlight so I can see. And he sits there looking at me. Then he pulled out a bottle of gin and poured two glasses. I don’t drink gin, but I would fuck a pig right now if it would give me the answer I need. So I took a glass.
We sat there staring at each other.
ARGH!
Finally he spoke. He told me that I was a hero. He said he read all my files, he spoke to people I knew back then, and he found out who I was and what I had done. He said I deserved to be recognized for my accomplishments; but we both knew that would never happen. He stood up and saluted me, then he said “Thank you”.
Fine dude, get to the point as to why I am here! Anyway, that’s a whole ‘nother issue.
[By the way, I did appreciate the salute]
That was when he started talking. And man did this guy talk. He rambled for 10 minutes about my mental makeup, how nothing was wrong with me, and how he couldn’t imagine anyone going through what I did and still being able to function in society and accomplish the personal goals I have accomplished.
All I heard was blah, blah, blah . . . . get to the point!
Then he said my only problem was that I couldn’t accept that someday, someone would love me.
[Huh?]
Then we had more silence as he poured me another drink. I really don’t like gin. Hey, is drinking on the job at a governmental facility legal? Well, it was after hours.
He told me that quite possibly the reason I can’t see the obvious answer is because I don’t know the existence of the obvious. He said the only reason people will deceive someone is to get something for themselves; or to keep something they cherish. He said that based on what I did share with him, that he felt this chick wasn’t trying to get something for herself. He was right about that. She could get what she wants from anyone else and didn’t need to get shit from me.
When we agreed on this point, he concluded that the reason she deceives me is that she doesn’t want to lose me. And that she cares for me more than she knows or will admit.
Ok, now I am more lost than ever. And this is the time he shuts up again. I guess he figured that the silence would force me to begin talking. But like I said, I have nothing to talk about. Not to her, and definitely not to him. So I sit quietly and stare back at him.
FINALLY he leans forward and asks me to open my mind. Ok, whatever it takes. He then suggests that maybe she seriously cares about me, but she too has no idea what is going on. All she knows for sure is that she likes knowing I exist and she wants me in her life. Maybe she wants me there so she can figure out what she is feeling.
Then he says that if we can accept this conclusion as a viable solution; it is obvious that she deceived me because she respected me so much, and wanted me around so much, that she was afraid to tell the truth. Maybe she felt that if she told me everything that I would give up on her. So she hid stuff hoping I would never find out, at least until she knew what she was going through.
Then he said it is possible for someone to care about me.
[Doubt it, but ok?]
He told me it sounds like I have always been the aggressor in our relationship. He told me if I want it to succeed then I had to continue to be the aggressor, because it is what she is waiting for me to do. He told me to call her and talk.
Here’s the shit, I don’t want to TALK. I want to LISTEN!
He told me that I would never hear from her unless I let her know that she is ok with me still. She will move on assuming that she was wrong about me because I didn’t fight to get her back or that I didn’t care enough to try. He told me I HAD to call her; and that if I did she would talk.
But he said he couldn’t guarantee that she would be honest.
Well, it fits. You see, it’s like I am dealing with this giant puzzle and searching for the pieces that fit. Yet there are thousands of pieces and only a few fit, but only one is right. So this one fits, but I don’t know if it’s the only one that fits. And I don’t know if it’s right.
You are probably wondering now what I am going to do next.
Fair enough, I am NOT going to call. Yes, he is right. I have always been the one that initiates. But what I also need is one time for her to make a gesture.
The way I see it is if the doc is right, then my god is looking out for me. If my god is looking out for me then he will talk to her. If he talks to her then she will read this page. If she reads this page, she will know IF the doc is right or IF once again she has fooled someone. If she has fooled me again, then she won’t contact me and I will eventually move on. But if she reads that the doc is right, and she truly wants me in her life, then she will call me and tell me ONE TRUE THING.
That will start the ball rolling. I don’t know if we will get back to where I thought we once were, or even if that place was real. But to find out, she has to initiate.
So somehow she will have to know to come here, because this is all I will do. Only she knows the truth, so only she can fix the problem. And I know that she doesn’t routinely read this journal anymore.
Why should she?
Right or wrong, this is me. I’m confusing, complicated, mentally broken, and I have never felt something for someone like you read about in books. Maybe that feeling is just a fantasy. Maybe she doesn’t know it either. But if she calls I will answer. The stink is that if she doesn’t call I will never know if she even read. So I will never know if I missed out . . . or was right. But I guess that’s life.
That’s me . . . IF IT IS MEANT TO BE THEN IT WILL BE.
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