My Journal 187

It amazes me how quickly a world can be turned upside down. Tuesday morning I woke with the best thoughts, and the day just got better and better. I even emailed Banana-Rama about how great my life had become and how I was now going full steam ahead.

Then, as most of you know, it all went to hell in an instant. My world literally crashed to the ground all around me, and in this case all over me too. Lovelygirl asked if it was her fault. The answer to that is a definite NO. Bringing the shit to the surface is never the wrong thing to do. So have no regrets.

Listen, shit happens; life’s rough; people you love will let you down; blah, blah, blah. EVERYONE has horrible days. These particular wheels were set in motion a while ago. It just came to a head yesterday. And for the record, you all did the right thing by telling me the truth even though you knew it would hurt. I CAN stand pain, more than any other man can endure. I CAN’T stand being lied to, no matter what. And deceit is a lie. So thank you for coming to me with this situation.

I left work yesterday after this all came to my attention. I didn’t eat. I didn’t consume alcohol. I didn’t use drugs. I didn’t pick a fight. I didn't have random sex. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t go to the house. Fortunately I keep a suitcase in my trunk with additional clothing, and I’ve learned how to create unique bathing opportunities. I don’t know how long I will be here today. I don’t know what I am going to do today, or tomorrow, or next year. For the first time in my life I have no plans. They all got flushed. I just don’t know what to do.

I can’t even tell you where I was last night or what I was doing. I seriously don’t know. It’s like my brain shut down, sort of like a reboot on a computer. I’m a blank fuckin’ screen!

Yup, this one hurt. Believe it or not, this hurt worse than my 10 days of torture. But it wasn’t what is happening that bothers me. I live my life by my own rules. If I fuck it up then it’s my fuck up and no one else’s business. I treat others the same way. As long as what others do doesn’t affect me I don’t fret or judge.

This affected me, but it was my choice to let it. I put myself on the tracks, so I can’t blame the train. Heck, I even saw this train coming for a long time and tried to convince myself it was a lightening bug. What does bother me is that someone who I care about didn’t talk to me. To find out things from others is not right. I’ve told ya’ll all my sins. They’re out there to critique, condemn, accept or forgive. It bothers me that I’m viewed the way I am, as a person someone couldn't talk to. I just can’t understand why.

I don’t check up, chase down, snoop or do any of that crap. I don’t care what people do. I truly believe that if someone is a friend and cares then you don’t need any of that crap because you always know everything . . . . directly from them. What they don’t tell you just doesn’t exist.

And yes, I am humiliated.

And maybe for the first time ever . . . . . heart-broken.

I’ve never been depressed a moment in my life. I’ve been hurt and I’ve been sad, but I deal with both rather well. But when I get confused is when my world falls apart. And to my knowledge, every time I have been in this situation, there was a little white lie somewhere in the mix that caused it all. So I need to find a way to make some sense out of this situation. I don’t know if I’ll figure something out today or never, but just so you know I am hiding in my proverbial CAVE.

I’m not suicidal or ill. I just need to think and sort shit out in my head. This is consuming my thoughts today and I cannot function like this.

Ironically, probably the only person that could help me is the only person who won’t help me.

So enjoy yourselves and forget about this whole mess. I’ll be back, and we will pick up right where we left off. Oh, but there will be one change. This is the last time I will use this notification system for my journals. That means no more journals emailed. If you want to read, come find me.

Or just fuckin’ ask me what’s up.

But for now I’m in pain. So just give me some time to heal.