My Journal 061

As I have mentioned MANY times before, I have some very serious issues. One of these is trust. I do trust people; I just trust that they will screw me over when the opportunity presents itself. I really only have about three people I truly trust. That is very sad.

But last night I realized something amazing. Maybe it will stick as a rule and maybe not. But I thought I should share it with you. I do hate to mention people that read this journal, but once again I feel compelled. So no hard feelings, ok?

One person I trust very much is a person that when we met told me straight up front that she would deceive me any time it benefitted her and she would keep important information from me as she saw fit. Looking back on it; that really makes her the ONLY honest person I know.

I trust her because I know that she is probably lying, and she was honest about it. She always comes back later and tells me where she lied to me too. That was when I realized that everyone lies to some degree. Whether it is something simple like if someone asks you how you are today, and you are having a crappy day, but you don’t want to deal with it so your respond “fine”. That is deceiving also, but no harm comes of it.

So I have decided (for the first time in my life) to concentrate on why someone lied to me as opposed to the fact that they lied. I mean if they lied because they wanted to protect me, then that should warrant some credit. I will still be upset because I can handle myself just fine and I do seriously prefer the truth. But I will consider ignoring the lie IF I can understand the logic and it is sincere.

Since I DEMAND the truth I do give a lot of sympathy for the truth. I do not get angry when I find out I have been lied to. What I usually do is give the person a subtle hint that I am aware of the lie, giving them a chance to recant. But now I will settle for a simple explanation for why they lied. I don’t ever confront the lie directly as that usually kills my leverage.

I will continue to be very direct in my communication. That just makes life easier for me.

Anyway, I just thought I would share this new approach.

My story is coming along. I am doing four parts, so you will get it in installments. First, I will describe how I ended up in the mess I eventually got into. Second, I will describe what they did to me for 10 days; day by day and event by event. This may be a bit gruesome as these individuals were very determined to break me. Third, I will describe how I got away. This is the part where I am most ashamed. This is where I did things that you may never be able to forget or forgive, and that is why I have kept this story to myself. Also, this is why I keep begging you not to judge me based on that moment in my life, but to take my life as a whole and decide. Finally, I will describe how that event made me into what I am today.

Stay tuned!