Ok, so I have decided that this summer I am taking a cruise. I haven’t been on one in four years. I don’t care about where the tub goes. Just go somewhere other than here. I have just survived one of the most frustrating times in my life and I need to get away. And not just one of my overnight get-a-ways to New Braunfels.
My four favorite things are drinking, dancing, eating and gambling. Hey, that’s all you freakin’ do on a cruise. I also enjoy swimming, being out in the sun and having to only wear shorts all day long. So I definitely love cruises, and I will take one this year.
But I have a challenge.
If I go alone, I will be assigned a roommate. Now when I was 20, a roommate was ok. But now? I would literally drive the poor sap nuts. And I know that I won’t appreciate having someone in my room when I am gone. And if I go alone it turns into a pickup cruise. I don’t mind playing that game, and I am damn good at it. But if I have to spend time picking up someone with which to do stuff then it takes time away from doing what I enjoy.
Oh, make that five favorite things . . . you know what I mean.
My other option is to invite a beautiful, sexy, and outgoing lady to join me. I’m just not sure how to approach that conversation.
“Hey, I’ve got something to ask you sweetie. I know we’ve only been out once but would you like to be trapped on a ship with me, in a room with me, and in a bed with me for a week?”
I just get the feeling that this conversation would go poorly. Plus, what if I find out a week before we sail that she is a “fruit cake”? What if I am the one that figures out I am trapped? I can’t imagine having some psycho glued to my hip for a week.
Of course it could be that this woman is so un-intelligent that she doesn’t appreciate being with me for a week. I mean seriously, if I shell out for the cruise then there is some sort of an expectation of handling my number 5. Oh, what am I thinking? Who WOULDN’T want to be with me?
Another option is to take a friend, based on my definition of a friend. This would be someone I already know, already get along with, and already enjoy just talking and “hanging out”. You know, I stay on my side of the bed and you stay on yours. That could work.
But what if one of us becomes a bit more aroused that the other, or mis-reads a signal.
“Absolutely not! I did not put on this sexy gown just to hump you. You can go sleep in the galley tonight.” That would seriously suck.
Or what if we are having a “casual friendly” evening and I spot a hottie checking me out.
“Hey my good friend, I’m going to go have sex with that chick tonight. Can you sleep somewhere else? Sure, you should be comfortable in your evening dress on the deck tonight.”
Or worse yet, what if I get the boot so she can roll around with one of the wait staff?
Hey, maybe this hooker idea may have finally found the perfect place. If we consummate the transaction in International water I don’t think that we would have broken any American laws. She would get food, drink and the trip of a lifetime (along with some cash I guess) and I would get someone to dress up for dinner, undress after, and go away the rest of the day. Hmmm, interesting.
So if I go that route, should I deduct from her salary any drinks or excursions she enjoys?
Argh! This is so confusing.
Ok, I am open for suggestions . . . . illogical69@live.com.
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