I usually reserve Friday’s for my “Shout Outs”. I use these as a way to engage those I haven’t had the pleasure of chatting with and to personalize this page just a little. But this week was different. I am so happy to say that other than one person, this week I have heard from everyone that I consider a friend. Kudos to me!
So no shout outs this week, but you are definitely in my thoughts.
This week some of you got to read about a time in my past. Of those that I chose to allow to read about me, I did hear back from all of you. Two of you had lengthy conversations with me, which I deeply appreciated. It is nice to know that you can do something really horrible and have people in your life that understand. That part was good for me.
For those that I didn’t chose to share this with, sorry. But I felt it would be a bad thing for some to know. Trust me?
I never finished that story. My last part was to be about how all this affected me. But to be honest, I really don’t know. I have no idea what kind of a person I would be had this not happened. So I can’t dwell on that. Yet as I wrote, my biggest dumbfounding concern is trying to determine if I am normal. It’s difficult to ascertain normalcy. There is no way I can climb into your thoughts for a day and then compare those thoughts to what I think. So I have no basis for comparison. There is no standard for one’s personal thoughts.
And I am 100% sure that you DO NOT want to jump into my thoughts for a day!
There are standards for behavior. We have the 10 commandments, but I think I’ve sort of made a mess of those already. But I have changed, and every situation I am faced with today I try to remember those commandments and do my best to follow them. I guess my hope is that by following them now I can get some sort of extra credit on life’s final exam. I liken it to a smoker that has since quit smoking. They knew that smoking was bad while they were smoking. But at some point they chose not to smoke anymore. And every day they don’t smoke may be adding days to their lives. This is the extra credit that I hope to have.
There are standards for our actions too. These are our rules and laws, and include such marvels as don’t drink and drive, don’t take a bomb on a plane, and don’t eat jalapenos with your hands and then scratch your privates.
But I can’t find a single method to evaluate thoughts and feelings.
What I do know is that everyone who didn’t do what I did can keep friends, and I can’t. Everyone knows when not to say what is on their mind, but I don’t. Everyone has experienced love, but I haven’t. Everyone can cope with deceptions, but I don’t. But seriously, that doesn’t bother me too much. I guess how I feel about things, and if I feel like I am being moral (or at least my definition of moral) then I assume I am normal. Yet maybe that alone should show me that I have something wrong with me.
As I wrote in a previous journal, I worry about who would show up at my funeral. If I remember correctly, I identified 6 people that would show up IF they knew. The challenge is that three of those probably wouldn’t know a thing until I was long gone. So that leaves three people, and they are family. Now I am fairly sure that more would show up, but only those three would really want to be there. The others would be there for the three people who would supposedly be mourning.
I’ve always been good at identifying people very quickly when I meet them. I don’t judge anyone (it’s that stones and glass house thing), but I do decide if I want to associate with them. That is my decision only. I do believe that when I like someone I tend to be so excited to actually like someone that I overwhelm them with my attention. That tends to drive a lot of folks away quickly. When I don’t like someone I just avoid them. It they follow me, I do tend to become rude and at times aggressive. So I can figure people out, but don’t know what to do with the data I guess.
Another thing that crossed my mind when I was writing this stuff down was my brother. We are very much alike in our though process. I think I told you before that if you think I am wild, aggressive and potentially violent; well he is much worse. For example, on the beach he never would have given up his last round. That mofo would have waited patiently until two or three guys lined up and taken them at once with his last shot. He probably would have taken a few more by beating them to death before being subdued.
And his take on an escape would have only been revenge. I could see him waiting until everyone was back in the building and then bringing the whole building down on top of them. He probably would then have gone door to door and fire bombed every building, house and shack just because the town pissed him off. Before he left, he would have leveled the city.
And I doubt he would have cried once.
So I wonder if I am really a wimp. Would everyone else have destroyed everything, or just limped away like I did? I know I am capable of incredibly violent behavior. I guess the difference between me and my brother is that I reach a point where I “call off the dogs” and he doesn’t.
I also know that I only have extremes in my personality. I’m either way high where my mind is going 100 miles an hour and my movement and mouth can’t stop. Or I’m way low where my mind is perplexed and I don’t want to talk or be seen. These low times are when I am the most violent. I usually try to remedy this by exercising vigorously until I am exhausted and basically falling off the face of the earth for a few days so none knows something is wrong. But sometimes I just have to go out and get a rush of some sort. Usually it’s by picking a fight, wild sex, or something.
(FYI - If any of you want to help, the next time I’m low we could hook up . . . just for health reasons though)
Speaking of which, I seriously think about sex 24 hours a day and 7 days a week . . . non-stop . . . all the time. It sometimes drives me nuts. I know that most people don’t do that, or at least don’t admit to it. But I can literally have sex to the point of exhaustion, and within minutes I am ready to go again. That’s just not right I think.
Back on point dude!
The jest of this journal is just to say I can’t tell you how the events of my past have affected me. I just don’t know and can’t find a logical means to evaluate it. So I guess I’ll leave it up to you to figure out for yourself. But the way I keep excluding people from my life or running them off with my moods, I know I’m not right in the head.
So I wear this mask every day. I act like a normal person, and I am a great actor. I can make people think anything I want them to think. And yes, I even wear my mask for you, my friends. But I do that for a very different reason. To my knowledge I have never feared anyone, anything or any set of circumstance. But at the same time I know that you, my close friends, can hurt me worse than imaginable. I guess when I let someone in my “inner circle” they then get the keys to my pain. So I hide myself, and specifically my feelings, from those closest to me.
Unfortunately it sometimes “burps” out in small pieces and I’ve noticed that this causes people great frustration. I just can’t help it.
Oh well, enough for today. I’m still in one of my low moods, so I will have to find a way to get a rush this weekend. Wish me luck?
No comments:
Post a Comment