I mentioned a few weeks back that I had my bi-annual interviews. The first part was with a young lady field agent who had no idea who I was and really didn’t care. The second part was with an older male shrink who actually not only had my file, but apparently had taken the time to read it.
The girl that I spoke with first was supposed to determine if I were a threat. My guess is when she saw me she immediately figured I couldn’t be a threat to anyone. I’ve never really looked dramatic or threatening I guess. So she basically just briefly discussed my recent police events. (No arrests, just altercations) She was so blasé about this that I sort of wanted to shock her a bit.
But instead I simply stated that sometimes I drink too much and I could become very romantic or very violent.
Her advice? Quit being violent. Wow, how prolific?!? We are getting the most out of our tax dollars!!!
Ok, my mind works different than most. This chick was turning me out without so much as half an effort to find out what I was going through or to find out how I am wired. Usually that is exactly what I want. But this chick really bothered me with her attitude. I wanted to ask her if she had any idea what I had done, or what I was still capable of doing. Did she have any idea how my brain got re-wired? Does she do this with EVERY interview she does?
I wanted to give her an example and tell her about a date I had last May. I walked into a restaurant / bar with a beautiful and sexy girl. Most men in this situation would be running through all the things they wanted to say to their date just to see if they could get their hand up her top. They would be so happy to have such a sexy woman by their side that nothing else would matter. Yes, I was happy and excited; but I am wired differently too.
I counted the patrons in the bar and the vehicles in front. I began linking people to vehicles. I studied locations in the bar of each individual. I analyzed why they were there and who they were with. I counted 13 people in the place and only 8 vehicles, so some had come together. By the end of my analysis, and prior to even sitting down with my hot date, I had determined the three people who had no reason to be in the place, where all the exits were, where every possible weapon was, who would pose a threat and who would not, who in the bar was carrying their own weapon, where I wanted my date to sit to be out of harm’s way in the event of a crisis, how each of the three people could cause trouble and then a myriad of scenarios in my mind as to how to counter any actions that they could take.
I had anticipated numerous violent acts, and had determined step by step what I would do and what I would say. I had rehearsed a speech in my head to give to my date if anyone acted suspicious. I had an exit plan for her already designed in my head.
Lord my mind is screwed up.
But yes, that was how my first few moments on this one amazing date went. That is how I was wired to think. That is how my mind is clicking 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. That is why I don’t sleep much. That is why I look for people who give off an aura that relaxes me. That is why I listen to jazz music. This is why I drive to Galveston just to watch the sun set.
That is also probably why I always end up pissing people off and making a mess of my relationships.
So the young field agent didn’t give a shit and turned me over to the shrink. Honestly, her actions didn’t bother me much on that day. It was exactly what I wanted. But as time clicks by I get more upset at her attention to the matter.
The shrink was an older man. His office wasn’t like a typical “made for TV” office. We sat at a conference table facing each other. He had my file, or something about me. I never know how much people know because I never knew how much they had been told. So I just sit quietly and answer questions, never volunteering any additional information.
He was genuinely concerned about my well being. He even made the comment that he couldn’t imagine anyone going through what I did and not needing help of some sort. He understood why I always choose to be alone and / or secretive. I remained quiet through these comments, but I was listening intently. He actually seemed to have a grasp on where I was at that moment.
He talked about his thoughts on my recent violent actions and he concluded that something in my life was frustrating me and this was my way of venting. He said I needed to confront the person or thing that is frustrating me and have some sort of reckoning or closure.
Duh?!?! Didn’t he realize that I would do that if I could?
But then he told me two things that he wanted me to work on, and he offered to see me again and assist with the success of these goals. None of the previous shrinks offered anything like that. No, I’m not going to see him again. I am a firm believer that EVERYONE needs to deal with their own shit. But I appreciate that he was offering to help. Very few people have ever offered to help.
He told me that I should accept fear in my life. He said that currently I didn’t reflect fear at all. He was right too. I don’t admit or ever show fear. At the same time, he told me that this is not normal. He told me that most people fear, but do things in spite of the fear. He said I must have fear and I am probably burying it. I need to let it out. I need to allow myself to fear things.
I never thought about that. But I have had fear, I have a fear today, and it has always made me do really stupid things. So I do blast it away. I hate the thought of being afraid.
The next thing that he told me was that I need to trust people more. He told me to brace myself to be let down on occasion, but that it was ok to trust. He told me to “open up” to the people in my life and rely on them more. He claimed that most people would live up to that trust.
I ain’t buying that crap!
I don’t need to trust all people. I choose who I trust and who I don’t. I have been burned way too many times to just randomly trust. Hell, I make enough mistakes trusting people today. I don’t need more mistakes in my life.
So I guess he was one for two. Not too bad I guess.
In a nutshell, I have been a bit of a violent guy recently because someone or something (no hints) is frustrating me immensely. I do have a few fears but I bury them and claim I have none. I think I have less fear than most people. I have admitted one fear recently to one person, and they didn’t give a shit (No surprised there). And I am supposed to trust people more. I do trust SOME people. I don’t need to trust everyone or anyone though.
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