I was just thinking that I seriously need to get laid. Once again I had an epiphany about the inconsistencies between male and female. You might remember that I already covered how males have to work their ass off just to have a chance to be laid; and females can just snap their fingers and be laid.
But this epiphany was regarding prostitution. Yes, I was considering calling an escort service. Around the office you can get a BJ for $10. Downtown the females are a little less disgusting, but cost about twice the rate. Or you can call and someone will show up for about $200, and she is usually very nice looking.
That was when I realized that technically every time I have had sex it was prostitution.
Let me explain via an example. The least certain plan I have for getting laid is to go to a bar, drop about $150 to $200 on drinks for some unknown lady, and MY odds are about 75% that I will charm her out of her panties. But I still have to shell out the cash first. Now I can improve my odds to about 90% by taking a certain friend out. She won’t do shit unless she’s been fed and adequately inebriated though. So there you go again, anywhere from $150 to $200. Finally, I have a 100% certain female. I mean all I have to do is show up and I get anything I want. And she doesn’t care about being fed or getting drunk. She just wants to have sex and then leave.
That one may sound like a dream come true; but alas she lives in a different city. So between gas and hotel rooms I end up out about $150 to $200. Basically, unless I want the toothless homeless woman hanging out on the dock, or a street walker, I will have to pay about $200 to get laid. Is that right?
I brought this up once with one of my friends, the one that is a 90% certainty if she gets drinks and food. I asked if this wasn’t an act of prostitution. I pay someone to hand her something, and I get to use her as my plumbing in return. Her response was that I was incorrect. She said I am paying her nothing. I disagreed. I am paying the bartender (a pimp) to give the girl (hooker) compensation (food and liquor) for me to have sex. Folks, that is prostitution.
And to make matters worse, women can get laid all they want AND NEVER SPEND A DIME.
You think I am full of crap? Ok, allow me to prove it. Each of you are in possession of a cellular phone. I am convinced that right now you have stored phone numbers for male friends. I can guarantee that you can pick ANY number in your phone, call it right now, and say you are naked, lying in bed, and want to be laid . . . and the guy will come running. More than likely he won’t even waste the time to hang up his phone. He will just be banging on your door in less than 5 minutes while drooling all over your welcome mat.
Ladies, if I am lying then I am dying. You can have sex anytime you want it for free.
But you may still claim that the male version of getting laid isn’t prostitution. So let’s reverse roles and see. I have all your numbers in my phone. I can call ALL of you and say I am naked, lying in bed, and want YOUR piece of ass. ALL of you will laugh and / or hang up. Some of you may never speak to me again.
Yet I could call you up and ask you for dinner and drinks. You would probably say Ok. We would meet, eat, drink, and then I would turn on my charm, with and sex appeal and I bet I would get three out of four of you in bed.
Why the difference?
Because all females are technically hookers. You have to be wined and dined BEFORE you will even consider spreading your legs. I hate to be crude, but look at the reality here. Am I wrong?
Now this isn’t a fun game for males but we have to play along because you are the only game in town. Trust me, we would love to be able to just ask without being slapped (and sometimes we do just ask). It NEVER works.
Maybe if the roles were reversed, and you had to pay $200 to get laid EVERY time then you would want to play a new game too.
So, I do have $200 and I will be doing the horizontal bop before 11:00 Saturday night with someone. Whether I just hand them the cash, or have to go through the middleman, it will happen because I want it. NO, I NEED IT!!! So if I am wrong then give me a call after work.
Hey, $200 would buy you a nice pair of shoes!
[BET NO ONE CALLS THOUGH!]
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