As most of you know that read along, I am experiencing some challenges. About a year and a half ago I decided to visit a doctor. The problems I was having were inability to sleep, severe and quick mood swings, occasional inability for rational thought, and memory loss. I believed all these symptoms were based on events from my past. I was told that they may contribute to the problem, but another source was identified.
However, it was concluded that I had suffered too many head injuries. During my chat with the doctor, I counted about 9 concussions I knew of including the one last year during my “Fight Club” phase. That was when I was told that by last Christmas I could have very limited short term memory.
[BTW, thanks to Martel for caring enough to make me stop doing that.]
I found a way to combat the memory problem. But the two I struggle with today are the mood swings and the lack of rational thought. This is why a few of you get emails from me asking if my view and conclusions about certain events are logical or not. It’s like I doubt my own ability to decide what something means and how to react.
The typical me used to see an action or hear someone say something and a process begins. My mind immediately begins running through all the possible meanings of the action or words. At the same time my mental rolodex about this person starts flipping through all the things I know about the person. I recall all the likes, dislikes, history, emotional stability, everything. Then it’s like the two thought process link and come up with one or two highly probably meanings of what was just said or done.
As soon as that process completes, my mind instantly starts running through a myriad of possible reactions and then follows those reaction through the person’s reaction to my actions. This happens quickly and in a blink I have the perfect reaction to the event. And I have never had the need to second guess how I react.
[I know, I am a freak. But it really happens]
For about a year now the same process begins. But it’s like there is a gear missing or something and the data all becomes disorganized in my brain. Immediately, I begin to feel my mood change, usually to frustration or anger. The next step is I fall into my “self-preservation” mode. Since I spent most of my life not trusting people, and not being able to trust people, I fall back on the worst possible scenario for me of what was just said or done. Then I react in my usual direct and abrasive manner.
And now, I always look back and begin second guessing myself. This is why I have been sending those emails. I don’t trust myself now, in additional to anyone else.
Wednesday night this happened. I was stumbling and bumbling my way through a scenario and ended up angry, frustrated and disappointed. I hate being like this. I much prefer being the intelligent yet smart ass jerk I usually am.
I didn’t communicate Wednesday night’s events with anyone. I’m so ashamed and frustrated that it is humiliating to speak of it. So on my own I dumped my PLAN A for this weekend and I am going to move to my PLAN B. Plan B is simple, un-attached, and beneficial.
So have a good weekend my friends. I gotta take care of me for a few days.
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