A while ago I was in a very special relationship. I have been told recently that during this relationship I had many good qualities, but one that was a problem. It was so bad that it eventually caused the destruction of the relationship. I didn’t know about this until it was too late. I would have wanted to know this point earlier. It was one of my core traits, and I do not know if I could have changed it or not. Yet I would want the opportunity to make that decision myself and have a chance to try if I so chose.
I wondered why this person couldn’t get past this one trait. It bothered me for a while, until I determined that it must have been a “deal breaker” trait. In other words, to this person it was something with which they couldn’t deal.
Last week I looked back at a relationship I recently had, and it was very similar. I was friends with a person, a female. She was attractive, funny, caring, kind and she wanted a romantic relationship with me. She was direct and told me face to face exactly what she wanted. But there was one thing about her that I couldn’t get past. She had one trait that just made me avoid attempting to take the relationship anywhere but friendly. And as direct as I am, I never shared this problem with the person. I just ignored the request.
I wonder if I had of shared this challenge would she have changed. Did I owe her the chance to know? It wouldn’t have changed the relationship as it never would become romantic, but did she at least have the right to know why?
This past weekend I was told that I had secrets. When I heard this my first response was “No I don’t”. But I kept that comment to myself, which technically makes it a secret I guess. There are things that I don’t share with everyone. I may do something that I share with one friend and not another. I tend to evaluate each relationship and determine the level of “sharing” that I do. I don’t lie, I just chose what I will share. In this particular case, I never considered my thoughts to be secret. It’s just with this particular person the one thing that they called a secret was something that I chose not to share.
Do I keep secrets?
I haven’t figured out exactly why I made this choice yet in this particular instance. Maybe it was because I feared embarrassment. Maybe in evaluating the relationship I determined that it was something that needed to stay with me. Maybe it was something that, based on my knowledge of this person, I determined would not make a difference. Maybe it was a trust issue.
What brought this to a head was that this person came out and asked me directly. Yet I still didn’t share. I was vague.
Do I owe it to this person to share? Should I be direct with EVERYONE about EVERYTHING? I mean that is my claim to fame. I am very direct and tell people exactly what I think. So why in this instance, and the previous instance, have I not shared something?
Every relationship we have has limits. You have neighborly relationships, work relationships, friendly relationships, romantic relationships, and enemy relationships. I believe that there a different level of sharing within each relationship. If this is true, then my decision is warranted. But the one thing that is on my mind now is that this person asked me directly. And I trust this person.
I absolutely hated the response that I gave. It was basically a “chicken S%*T” response by me. I labored over that for hours. I almost came back later and said, “Ok, here it is . . “. But I didn’t because I couldn’t understand why I had this hesitation. I guess until I knew why, I was reluctant I couldn’t just be forthcoming. So instead I made a comment that I knew, based on my understanding of this person, would shut down the conversation.
Again, Chicken S%*T.
After many hours of deliberation, I threw out a “life line”. Something like a “quid-pro-quo”. It was a deal like they asked a question which I was concerned about answering, so I asked a question that I knew they would be concerned about answering. It wasn’t accepted.
Is that a big deal? No, not really. I have so much respect for this person that what they do or don’t do could never change my impression of them. I’ve never been one to judge people. Heck, as screwed up as I am . . . what is that old phrase about people living in glass houses and bricks?
I didn’t care what the answer to my question was. I just wanted to know IF they would answer. By not answering it gave me more insight into their psyche, and confirmed my decision not to share my answer to their question. But should I base my decisions on other people’s choices?
As I am writing this I realize just how freakin’ childish this is becoming. Looking back, I would have loved to know if someone had a problem with me. I should have been honest with my previous friend, who now doesn’t speak to me anymore. Let the chips fall where they may, right?
This wasn’t the only reason I lost that friendship. The biggest reason was that she gave me an ultimatum to avoid another friend or to avoid her. The crazy part is that the person she asked me to avoid is the person that asked me this new question. But still, the friendship evaporated. I don’t want that to ever happen again simply because I have secrets.
So I will answer the question I was asked last weekend, and I will share my concern too. Whatever comes of it; well, I’d rather deal with risking something based on honesty than faking something based on secrecy. No “Deal breakers” for me. If it is a deal breaker for them; then so be it.
And since I HATE being avoided, I will NEVER avoid anything again. That’s fair, right?
Wish me luck!
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