My Journal 052

I believe in a supreme being.

Now I’m not fully convinced that all the miracles that I’ve read about actually happened as they are written. I have read the bible cover to cover more than once. I do apply my own thoughts and logic to the interpretation of the words as opposed to having some salesman try to convince me in his church. But I do believe that there is something out there.

Mine is called god.

We talk frequently. We have a scheduled conference call every night just before I pass out. And when I say we talk I mean just that, we just talk. Granted, my god doesn’t answer. But it is refreshing to believe that someone cares enough to listen to my crap, and since he doesn’t answer me I feel confident he will keep the secrets I reveal to him on the “down low”.

I don’t ask for things of him. Well, I do ask him to take care of people I am concerned about, but nothing for me. About twice in my life, during extremely intense moments, I did scream out for a wish (I guess you call it a wish). Unfortunately I got nada. So to me my god is a chat buddy.

As I mentioned, we have a scheduled conference call every night, and last night’s was what I will discuss today. Our meeting always goes something like this; I thank him for what I’ve gotten, I ask him to watch over / help people I know who are hurting or ill or just having a really bad time, I ask him to grant all of you your wishes, I pray for my friends and family health, wealth and happiness, and I finish by reciting the Lord’s Prayer. Yup, that’s been the routine since I was old enough to remember.

But last night went a little different. You see, after the Lord’s Prayer I tend to fall asleep. And for this week at least I have been passing out VERY early. So last night I start to doze, but I’ve got this shit stain on my brain. I’ve got this dilemma that I can’t figure out or get past. It’s not like driving me nuts or anything, at least not yet. But it’s really bugging the crap out of me.

So I think, “Hey, I just finished my conference call and I don’t ask for things ever, so why not try just this once and see what happens. So I dial up my god again. He already knew about my dilemma, as we had discussed it before. But this time I asked him for a favor. I didn’t ask him to make me rich, or beautiful, or to make someone else drive off of a bridge; I’m not that naïve. But what I did ask for was a sign or signal to help me figure shit out.

I know, I suck at signs and signals . . . we’re getting to that.

Now I already have some preconceived notions about my dilemma. So as I am asking, I find the urge to clarify. See I figure if he gives me this tiny sign, like a swallow flying past me to let me know my preconceived notions are wrong; well I’ll freakin’ miss it. Maybe because I want to miss bad news, I don’t know. So I asked for a pretty obvious sign. I want a sign with something more along the lines of a building falling over or something. Not that I want a building to fall over, it’s just a suggestion. The point is don’t be subtle with me as I am not a subtle person . . . as most of you have realized.

As usual, once I had my chat I tend to doze off. I really didn’t expect an angel to appear immediately with a piece of paper that read, “FROM THE DESK OF GOD” or anything; but I sort of hoped I would have a feeling or something. But, I got nothing so I slept.

Now this is where it starts to get interesting.

I wake up about an hour later. I never wake up until it is time to get up, so this is odd to begin. Then, as I awake I have this urge to do something. (No, I won’t tell you what as this was a personal conference call) Anyway, it something odd that I had not thought to do before. It something I believed to be true. And before I could think through all the process as I usually have to do, I found that I had already done it. Poof!

I don’t know why, it just happened.

Anyway, I fall right back to sleep then and don’t wake again until my alarm goes off at 3:15 AM. I do my usual early morning routine (Don’t ask) and I get up to take a leak. That is when I remembered what happened last night; only now my brain is at a full gallop and I am more aware. I realize that what I did would trigger a chain reaction. But to my surprise, there was NO reaction whatsoever.

At first I am confused. But then I think back and remember that I had asked for a sign, a BIG sign. At that moment I had no doubt that this was my sign. I had asked in a sleepy stupor. I had awaken in a partially unconscious state and done something abnormal for me. And now, while fully alert I can see the consequences of those actions. I got my sign.

So, in case you were wondering; my god is more than a chat buddy. And I don’t face the same dilemma today.

Oh, and thanks for putting up with my EMERGENCY text yesterday. I’m not sure if it was the increased pain, or the boredom, or my typical levels of horny; but almost everyone responded and I had a ball with your responses . . . . and your suggestions. It’s nice to know what friends will do for you in a pinch.

Have a super day!