“A good friend is like a good bra. It’s not the looks that count, it’s what is inside.”
I heard this line yesterday and it stuck with me. If you know me then you understand why it stuck. If you don’t know me then I’ll clue you in. What is inside a person and what is inside of a bra are both incredibly interesting to me. Today we will discuss what is inside of people. I will address bras on another date.
You see, I’ve been experiencing a unique situation recently and the topic of what is inside a person has been on my mind a lot. Thus . . . today’s discussion.
I consider myself to be a very simple guy with which to get along. I don’t believe in or adhere to social norms, and I don’t alienate people whether they do or don’t. I believe that we live in a free country. So if you want to smoke, drink, do drugs, eat yourself to 500 pounds, have daily sex with farm animals or whatever, it’s not my problem. I don’t judge people and I do enjoy differing opinions, personalities, and life styles. It’s educational to me.
But I do offer suggestions from time to time, and that could be considered as lecturing people. I try to do it in a positive fashion though. My directness can be confused for challenging a person. I do offer additional alternatives as opposed to bashing someone’s personal choices. I enjoy verbal communication and tolerate digital communication. I prefer verbal communication so I can observe the person as it lends me to a better process of understanding and / or making a point.
None of this will preclude me from associating with someone. My choices are based on my personal evaluation of whether a person can and will fit into my world. It’s my world so it’s my choice, right?
I have a very simple set of requirements in order to associate with me. (Yes, we’ve gone over this before . . . it’s a reminder) Some people have many expectations and at times it makes it almost impossible to comply with all of them and maintain your own personal identity. So I’ve come up with just three requirements.
· Like me. I am opinionated, aggressive, direct, and often a pain in the ass. I would guess if you didn’t like me you would avoid me. But just pretending to like me (or dealing with me) so you can get something from me is not acceptable.
· Be honest with me. Please note that I did not say to avoid lying to me. What I require is a bit more. If you want to associate with me then I require knowing anything that may affect me. And if you associate with me then you should know what will affect me.
· Make time in your day for me. I don’t need to spend every night with you, but checking in from time to time is more what I am describing. If I find myself being the only one initiating communication then I feel that I am imposing . . . and I stop.
See, I am very simple. Why would anyone choose not to associate with me?
However . . .
I have the right to decide if I will associate with ANYONE. Just because I don’t judge a person for who they are or what they do does not mean I will accept them into my world. I meet someone and make a choice to associate with them or to avoid them. This choice is based on data collected during the initial meeting, and I do lend some credence to any prior comments made by individuals with which I have previously chosen to associate. But I do make my own choices.
I call this period where I am evaluating a person as my temporary status period. I find a person that I believe can meet my requirements and I place them on a temporary status while I determine if they will in fact meet my requirements. This status is usually resolved one way or another within a matter of days or weeks. But it has been known to traverse several months.
Some people will never make the cut. Some people may be eliminated during the temporary status period. And yes, some may be eliminated after they have been accepted. You see, I’m good at evaluating people but I am not perfect. Sometimes I am deceived or I interpret actions and / or situations incorrectly. Once the truth rises to the surface, I move them to the group that I avoid. Or I may just change my mind.
This is the point that I will remind you of the original topic. I am very interested in what is inside of people. The problem is that most people will tell you who they want to be, and not necessarily who they really are. It’s not always to deceive other people though. Sometimes they desperately want to be someone else and they are trying very hard to be that person even though they are aware that they are very different.
I don’t care how you look, how you talk, what you believe in, or how you live your life. I want to know what is inside of you and if you can comply with my three simple requirements. The requirements are firm, but my interpretation of the individual may slack on one or more requirements from time to time. But again I reserve the right to make that call and I don’t have to apply it consistently. It’s my life and I can change as I see fit.
The problem I face is devising a program to find out who someone really is ON THE INSIDE. My basic plan of attack is to listen to them, make notes of specific issues or topics, and then bring them up again later in the conversation or relationship. The purpose is to see if I get a similar response. My purpose is not to “play games”, but to get them to admit the truth. I want to know what’s REALLY on the inside, not what they want to be on the inside.
Keep in mind that most people do not know what I am doing. So just because I am enlightening you does not mean I am insane or a bad guy. I’m really trying to do the right thing. I mean wouldn’t it be great if everyone came with an ingredients card that was tattooed to their forehead. This could list any and all traits to make it easy to understand the person. But that is not reality, so other methods have been chosen.
The reason for discussing this topic today (instead of bras, which is a far more exciting topic) is that recently I have had a series of disappointments by individuals with which I associate. And I really don’t disappoint easily. I don’t know if I am becoming very bad at evaluating people or if people have come up with new techniques to hide themselves. Whatever the reason, the facts are the same. I’ve sucked at this a few times.
I even wonder if I am too critical. Should I just accept that people will associate with me simply for their benefit and refuse any benefit to me? Maybe everyone has things that they chose not to be honest about, even if it affects others? Maybe people don’t want to make time for relationships and prefer to have the relationship only when it is convenient for them? Maybe we are just becoming a “me, me, and me” society with no concern for other people?
Who knows?
I just know it is definitely not me that has a grip on the concept. But I keep trying and I guess that as I learn more about people I just modify the list of those with which I associate. But it sure makes life a whole lot tougher.
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