My Journal 138

“So what’s the point?”

I’ve asked myself this question a hundred times over the past week. It’s been like a mental roller coaster. I’ve leaned this way and then leaned that way; then I leaned this way again. I’ve thought about a plan A, then a plan B, and somewhere around pondering a plan M this concept crossed my mind.

So what’s the point?

I recently wrote a poem for a friend that I titled “Anyway”. It was about doing things even though you know you will be lambasted by the whords. You do it anyway. Yet I can’t seem to take my own advice sometimes.

Early last week I was angry. Something happened that never should have happened. It’s wasn’t my doing, it was just little old me that stumbled into it. Then I was frustrated for a day or so. Things were not going as I wanted and I couldn’t change it at all. Then I had this emotional ecstasy. I had a day and a half where it looked as if I had finally seen the light at the end of this horrid tunnel, and it wasn’t a train coming at me. Then that led to depression when I realized that maybe it wasn’t a train coming at me, but it definitely wasn’t the end of the tunnel. Then I chose to get away from it all. That was when I experienced rejuvenation. I was happy and joyous. I was my old self again for a day. But then it all came crashing down, harder and faster than I ever experienced.

Whew! Just writing about it is almost as exhausting as surviving it.

But seriously, what is the point?

I didn’t choose any of those moods or emotions. And every swing was directly related to one specific situation. And I have ZERO control over that situation, but it affects me drastically. No matter where I go, what I do, what I say, how I act, or who I am with; it’s the same old shit. And the worst part is that I care.

I feel like I need to keep struggling. I feel like I owe it to myself to keep my eye on the ball, work through life, and strive to exceed. Yet I keep drifting off to this one specific challenge.

So today my goal is not to ponder, digest, think about, or deal with that situation. I mean what’s the point? I can’t change it, make it go away, or solve it. My only options are deal with it or ignore it. I choose to ignore it today.

And what’s the point?

My sanity. I am better than someone thinks I am!

That’s the freakin’ point!

And if someone doesn’t get it, then THEY CAN SAY WHAT’S THE POINT!