Wasn’t yesterday just a beautiful day?
Ok, back to being me. As you already know I have a lot of trust issues which have plagued me for my adult life. I am constantly looking for scams or lies. Yes, it’s a horrible habit. So I thought that if maybe I explained myself people would understand better.
Maybe . . . . Or not?!?!
As a kid I was “taken for a ride” the normal number of times. I tended to trust people immediately, but I always had this sense of good and evil. I just ignored it back then as I wasn’t sure. But then, during my hiatus from college, I had this unique job. It was one of those unusual jobs where if you trust people, the chances of not surviving increases drastically.
When I asked to leave that job, they spent a lot of time convincing me that I can trust people. It didn’t take.
Basically, I learned not to trust. It became a contest to me that whenever I met someone I would wait and watch for how long it took for them to lie about something. So I would ask about something, wait a while, and then ask the same question in a different format later. It amazed me how many times I would get a different response. Many noticed their error, and I did enjoy seeing the look on their face when they realized they had been “busted”.
I never really got past that. Today when I meet someone I instantly don’t trust them. It usually takes well over a year for me to develop a trust. Not just trust like, “Can you watch my coat for a while?” No this is the sort of trust where you get to know me. It’s the kind of trust where you learn some of my secrets. The kind of trust where I actually let you see the real I and not the person I want you to see.
Since 1980 there has only been one person that won my complete trust in less than a day, and that was last May. I did meet someone so different that I immediately opened up with them. And they didn’t run away screaming. Whew! Since then I have a few moments where I sort of caught this person bending things a little, but I think they already have my trust.
Anyway, way back then was when I started not trusting people.
Conversely, I seriously try to be honest with people. I’m talking about the big stuff now, not the little things. I mean if someone got up a Karaoke night and did horribly, but really thought they did well; and then asked my opinion I would probably fudge the truth a bit to make them feel better. Of course it really would come down to how much I liked them, if not I could tell them the truth anyway.
But with the big stuff I try to be honest. I don’t just sit down and tell people everything immediately. I usually lead them down a path and see how they respond. And like I said before, it takes a long time to win my trust . . . well, except for the one individual that had this magic of some sort.
The main reason I try to be honest is I don’t want to get caught in a lie. It is embarrassing and humiliating. Also, when I used to lie regularly, like everyone else, I would get confused a lot. I would see someone I had talked to before and I would try to remember what I told them. If I couldn’t remember, I had to avoid them. All that would make my head hurt.
Plus I have enough problems keeping my head above water as is. Trying to tread through the tides of life while trying to dodge all the sharks (lies) tend to be very wearing. I know people that regularly lie, and they are always tired. I completely understand how that could happen.
It is hard to do, trust me I know this. Many times a day I am faced with a situation where I probably should tell someone something and I struggle with it. And yes, not telling someone something that you should tell them is a lie also. So something would happen and immediately I knew what I was supposed to do. Sometimes, based on the person or the situation, it takes a while to finally spit it out. (By the phrase “takes a while” I am meaning moments, not days). I do get to it though.
The hardest thing to me though is to be honest when you really believe that the person you are talking to doesn’t really give a shit. For example, saying to someone, “Man, what you did really bothered me” when you believe that they don’t care about you at all is hard. And yes, if I believe someone doesn’t care I sometimes don’t tell them.
Maybe that means I am a liar too?
Or how about if you REALLY like someone but you are fairly sure they don’t feel as strongly for you. Should you tell them how you feel? You should be able to. But I think society has established some standards where you can be ostracized for telling someone that you care about them when they don’t care about you. I guess that is a lie too. And I very seldom tell anyone how I feel about them.
I guess in my feeble mind, this is alright because you are withholding information that would have no affect on the person anyway. I mean if they don’t like you then why would they want to know that you like them? But if you have any information that would affect someone then I definitely believe that it needs to be shared, no matter how embarrassing it might be.
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