If you noticed, this morning I posted two signs. One of my followers sent these to me; and these signs sort of sum up my attitude for today. In order to explain, I want to share a story I may have already told. I share it again because today it has a whole new meaning to me.
Many years ago I was sort of star athlete. I played many different positions in my career, but my glory days were as a cornerback. My job was to line up with the best receiver on the opponent’s team and cover him the entire game. My ultimate goal was to keep this receiver from catching any passes, but this was one of those “pie in the sky” goals. Seriously, it’s impossible to keep everyone from catching a single pass. But the one goal I kept was to never let this receiver score on me.
In three years of playing cornerback I was only scored on one time.
It was the start of my senior year. During the previous year I was voted as the best cornerback in the city, and in the top three cornerbacks in the state. I led the city in interceptions, passes defended and touchdowns by a cornerback. I was one of the best. But the Defensive Back coach rode my ass every week. Nothing I ever did was good enough, and he always chewed me out and worked me out more than anyone else. It seriously pissed me off.
Yet as I walked to the sideline on that one fateful day, after giving up the ONLY touchdown in my career and knowing I was going to get the ass chewing of my life by this coach; he surprised me. He didn’t say a word to me. He wouldn’t even look at me. And when it was time to go back onto the field, he put his hand on me to stop me. He didn’t allow me to play the rest of that game.
I sort of wanted him to chew my ass, because the silence was deafening. But he never said a word to me. To this day he has never said one more word to me. Later I realized that the reason he was silent was that he had given up on me. I learned that even though I was the best, he felt I could be so much more. He pushed me to try to get more out of me and to make me elite. But my cockiness and my attitude coupled with giving up a touchdown due to my arrogance; was more than he could handle.
I didn’t get it; and he gave up on me.
Maybe that is why I never give up on anyone. I know how horrible it feels when a person realizes that the one person that believes in them finally gives up, or gives in, or just quit trying. It makes you sick to your stomach. Since that night, letting someone down is more than I can handle.
I never forgot that feeling. But I always wondered how that coach felt on that one night.
Ok, fast forward to today. There is someone I care about, and perhaps could even fall in love with someday. But this person is rude, insensitive, uncaring and has an attitude. I knew there was something more inside of her, so I kept trying and wouldn’t quit. I guess I believed that deep down inside of her, she did care and if I could just find the strength and courage to keep trying that someday she would show me I was right.
Over the past few years she continually did things that made me disappointed, and often angry. Yet I could never figure out if my anger was due to her actions or my expectations.
But I never quit trying.
Two weeks ago I asked something of her, which was a very small request if she cared about me in the least. She never came through or even acknowledged my request. On Friday of last week I did something nice for her since she wouldn’t give me the chance to do what I wanted for her. She ignored my kindness completely. So last night I did one more nice thing. But this time I met someone new that probably knew her better than anyone else in the world. I was having a very nice conversation with this new person when she said something that was totally innocent on her part; but immensely telling to me.
It was one simple question that was asked of me by this person. Yet that one simple question showed me exactly and with no doubt where I stood in the world of the one person I cared about. Being a polite person, and knowing that the new person that asked the question was totally innocent; I simply answered the question, and said goodbye.
I said goodbye!
As I was driving away I should have had my usual reaction which was disappointment and anger. I normally would have contacted the person I care about and informed them of that conversation and asked for clarification. But there was nothing in me. I was completely blank. And it wasn’t a case of me being so overwhelmed that I went blank, it was that I was void of emotions.
I NO LONGER CARED.
It took one innocent question from a stranger to make me see that. And at that moment I knew exactly how my coach felt many years earlier when he chose not to scream and yell at me for being a total fuck-up. I knew that it wasn’t a difficult choice for him. It’s like a switch just turns off. There is no emotion, no disappointment and no anger. It’s just that everything you believed in dies.
I look back on that coach as I write to you today. I wonder if he knew that his one action would be the marker in my life that many years later would allow me to see that caring for this one person like I’ve never cared for anyone before, could only be proven as false when I realized that I can’t make someone see themselves.
Today I know what that coach went through. Today I completely understand how I fucked up, and not just on the field. My fuck up was not realizing how I treated people, and figuring out who really cares and who’s just along for the ride.
And the odd thing is that I don’t care if this person that broke my heart ever gets it or not.
She turned off the switch.
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