Have you ever had someone come to you for advice and in the middle of your response you realize that the advice you are giving is advice that you should be following?
Urgh! My world just keeps getting bleaker. Yup, it’s been a rough few weeks and the “hits just keep on coming”!
But I digress.
So, this friend calls me out of the blue and asks if we can meet. Now I have friends that when they call it is always a go, friends I would never say "no" to. But this friend wasn’t that close. So I had to ask as to the purpose of the meeting. I have sort of not been dating recently so I needed the purpose to be clear.
[Ok, I did bang her once and never called her back. So that may have had something to do with it as well.]
She said it was a relationship problem and she needed advice from me. My immediate thought was, “Me? Relationship questions? Crap I can’t figure out how to get into a relationship and you’re asking me for advice?” But she did sound desperate, and she said she wanted to talk to me because she knew me; and knew that I was better at the hookup than the finish up.
[I know. It sounds strange but it will eventually make sense.]
I agreed to meet, but I told her she needed to by me a drink. You could say that was a tacky thing to do, but my time is valuable and I have no plans to ever ask this female for any favor in return. I mean the only favor she could possibly provide is some private time. But you girls would judge me if I attempted to trade advice for sex. Anyway, like I said before, I’m not randomly dating right now.
And if all I wanted now was sex, I have three chicks I could call right now and get a good hook-up. But I'm sort of looking for something else now-a days.
[It’s a long story that could end up being embarrassing, so don’t ask!]
So after work I did my usual run (4 miles) and then took a shower and headed out to the pre-determined meeting spot. My friend was already there and she had already ordered me a nice merlot. (Ok, we talked a bit that one time too) And she did look nice so I remembered why I hit on her in the first place. But I quietly gave her a hug and took my seat to listen to her challenge.
[I know. You’re all hung up on my “not dating story’ but you won’t get to hear it so FOCUS!]
Here is her story. She really likes this certain guy. They have been seeing each other for over a year, but they only see each other every second or third weekend and only occasionally during the week. She said she WANTS to see him more. (I highlighted that for effect) She told me that when they are together he is so attentive to her that it makes her think she is important to him. Every date they have had has been spectacular.
The challenge is that he doesn’t ask to see her often enough. So she started suggesting things that they could do together. But either he doesn’t get it or he isn’t interested in her suggestions. So she is beginning to wonder if she could be wrong in thinking that he likes her.
[Are you even paying attention? OK - FINE, I’ll tell my dating story this weekend; so pay attention because this is good!]
I bounce a few inquisitive questions off of her trying to determine if possibly the guy could only afford a date every few weeks. Remember, I’ve told you how EXPENSIVE it is for a guy to date properly. But we sort of ruled out the lack of funding as the issue. I then tried a few other approaches but none of them seemed logical.
That was when I got this brilliant thought. It was triggered by me replaying our earlier conversation in my head and recalling that she used the word “WANTS” when she refers to her choice to see this guy. So I thought that perhaps he doesn’t necessarily WANT to see her, but he WILL see her.
The difference between the two may seem minimal. As long as both parties are aware of the difference then they may be able to coexist. If both parties are willing to see the other then it is good. The same applies when both parties want to see each other. But if a person wants to be with someone and that person only is willing to comply then you have a different level of attraction.
[That’s sort of my story today]
You see, she makes plans to have time available in case he calls because she WANTS to see him. In his world he could still like her but not so much as to WANT to see her before anyone else. Since he likes her he is WILLING to see her and he has a good time when he does. But he doesn’t have the WANTING.
Now we didn’t discuss this next part, but I would bet that she thinks of him as soon as she wakes in the morning. She also probably thinks about him several times a day. When she sees something interesting she probably thinks that he would find it interesting too. And at night I bet he is her last thought before dozing off to slumber land. I don’t know this guy at all, but I bet he doesn’t realize she is thinking about him. He probably thinks about her once in awhile as well, but not as often.
[Is this hitting close to home for some of you?]
My advice to her, which is the same advice I always give, was to communicate to him her feelings or wants. Let him know how she feels and what she wants. Be open and honest. This concept has always worker for me. It does make some people very uncomfortable when I share more that is politically correct. But I get to hear or see a reaction. And from their response I can get a really good idea about their feelings. Then I can make intelligent decisions for me.
Of course she said she wouldn’t just go tell him how she feels. She felt she might end up being humiliating or embarrassed. She also felt that if he didn’t feel for her like she hoped then he might freak out and stop asking to see her at all. I asked, “Wouldn’t that be better that continuing to wonder?” But apparently some people like to keep their head in the sand. The problem with that approach is that your ass is up in the air!
We did however go with my second piece of advice. I suggested that she stop communicating with him. Sort of “lay low’ for a while and see what happens. If he is interested enough to call and find out how she is, then she may have a clue as to his feelings. But if he doesn’t bother to call then she could safely assume that the difference between WANT and WILL is the reason.
She left sad, but like I said she agreed to follow my advice.
That was when I had my second epiphany. I should follow my own advice. You know that I have no problem speaking my mind and putting my thoughts and feelings on the line. But one problem I’ve noticed with me is that if I get no response I keep pushing. Maybe if I get no response then it is in fact the other person’s way of giving me a response. Maybe they fear they would hurt my feelings or something.
[Me? Hurt feelings?]
I’m good at the “disappearing act” as well. If I’m not getting what I WANT then I tend to drift away. And when I drift away I wait to see if the person cares enough to call me . . . if they WANT to call me. If they don't want to then to heck with them. But unfortunately I also have this intense belief that I can “woo” anyone. It sort of becomes a contest . . . and I hate losing. So I eventually drift back. And thus far in my life I have succeeded EVERY time. But maybe instead of that being my gift, it’s just been my luck. Maybe I will fail someday and I should learn to drift away for good.
Ok, I’ll let you know how it goes with my friend. I was about to go father in my personal experiences with aggressiveness and drifting; but my buddy Sasha-Lucille tells me that isn’t always a good idea. She said I am good at getting people to understand and then making a very good point. But she tells me that after I make my point I sometimes wander off the normal path too far. So I will leave it here.
And yes; I’ll discuss my situation sometime this weekend.
FOCUS!
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