I once promised myself that I wouldn’t write if my mind wasn’t 100% due to being tired, drunk or high. This is why there is one missing blog, I forgot my promise.
Tonight I am tired. But my mind is rolling like never before. So I decided to take a chance on tonight. Tonight I need something, and I need someone to be there for me; even if they can only appear in a dream.
I’ve decided I can’t yet talk about what I did at 12 years old, even if my shrink thinks it will help me. I was just a kid, and we all made mistakes as a kid. And this mistake was a big one . . . unfortunately. But I will tell you that I thought I was too good to follow instructions and someone I cared about deeply had to survive a horrible experience because of it.
That will always be on me.
Yup, it’s another one of my long list of nightmares. People ask me why I don’t sleep. My nightmares are why I don’t sleep. I learned years ago about sleep cycles. You dream towards the end of your sleep cycle. I tested myself and found that my sleep cycle was about 3 and a half hours. I would usually go through two complete sleep cycles as a kid. So seven hours of sleep was optimum for me.
Once my nightmares started I began believing that eventually they would drive me insane. Yup, more looney than I am today. So I sort of taught myself to sleep an hour at a time. And now it’s the norm for me. I never allow myself to get to the dream phase of the sleep cycle.
Honestly, that is supposed to make you a bit odd as well. But this is the odd I choose.
Occasional I screw up and oversleep. When I do most of the time I have these visions of my past, and they then become my present and future. I do get scared. Don’t laugh! Anyone that claims they don’t get scared is a liar. Everyone gets scared.
How we deal with fear is what separates us. Usually I walk right up to what scares me and stand there until I’m not scared anymore. But these dreams scare me so bad, I just avoid dealing with them.
But there have been times when I over sleep and I have beautiful and romantic dreams. I can recall about 12 of them at this moment. And one of you has appeared in three or four of these dreams. I can’t explain why, they just have appeared.
Tonight I need one of those beautiful and romantic dreams. As usual, I am alone. I will cover the windows, put on ear muffs to block noise, and I will sleep. In a few hours I will either be the bastard I was in my prior life, facing the ghosts of those that crossed my path; or maybe god will smile on me and let me dream of walking down that darn elusive beach holding hands with someone I love.
Or maybe I will just wake up as usual in an hour.
But tonight I want to take that risk. So this prayer goes to my god and to that one special person. Give this wish to me tonight and I will promise to keep fighting every day to be someone other than what I know I am. I hope you are listening.
Good night to all; and pleasant dreams!
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