Ok, it was not me this time. I made a promise to my sweet Martel not to fight again and I have kept that. This is just my observations of an incident I viewed.
I was bored. So I went to a guy bar. A guy bar is a bar that just has barstools, beer and whiskey. No yuppies allowed. And this one even had Credence playing on the Juke Box. I am relaxing and watching a re-run of an old playoff game when I hear words being exchanged.
I don’t know what started it, but as I turned to peek I saw two men arguing something. One man was about my size, which isn’t too small. But the other man was huge. He was probably 6’5” or taller and I would guess that he was pushing 380 pounds. And let me tell you, as a guy that has had a few fights of his own, big guys are tough to deal with,
First, they are very strong. Of course they are covered in fat and blubber, but remember that they have to carry around that immense amount of weight everywhere they go. For you to walk to the restroom is a piece of cake. But imagine having to do it while carrying me on your back. It would be strenuous. So imagine doing that all the time. You would either get really strong or wet yourself a lot.
Second, they are difficult to maneuver due to the massive center of gravity. Imagine a two by four standing on its end. With a swipe you could knock it over. But a 50 gallon barrel would be harder to tip over, even at the same weight due to the spread out center. If the barrel was full it would be impossible to tip over.
Needless to say, I avoided really big fat guys.
As I am watching the argument progress, I instinctively began mapping strategies in my head. Since I was closer to the size of the first man, I diagramed a strategy for him to get out of this incident alive.
My first thought would be to come up with an exit strategy. I’ve learned in my time that at some point prior to a fight, many men want out. So I always would say or do something to try to give the other guy an out; just to see if he would take it. And in this case, knowing how tough the big guy would be and how hurt the first guy could get, an exit strategy would be the smart move.
But the first guy had no intention of backing down. So if in fact a fight was going to happen, the first guy needs to be aware of his opponent’s advantages. Understanding that the opponent is big, fat and strong; a normal punch has less effect. It’s like the fat guy is wearing a padded suit or something.
A good punch needs to get to bone to be effective. So punching a skinny guy hurts him more than punching a big guy. With a big guy you can’t get to the bone. So you have to know other places to punch. Areas like the armpits, the neck, and the lower back are preferable. Of course with the weight factor, kicking out the big guy’s knee is extremely favorable. But it could also be crippling and I try not to go into a fight intending to maim and cripple.
Also, when fighting a big guy you need to be WELL aware of any advantages you possess. More than likely you will have quickness, mobility and endurance on your side. So the plan against a big guy would be to keep a safe distance, allow him to swing and you slip the punch, and then maneuver yourself into a position to strike a more vulnerable area. Then you need to move away and set up again. The object would be to keep inflicting damage while making the fight last until the fat guy begins to tire.
And never get too close to the fat guy. If he grabs you he has all the advantages and you won’t be able to get away. Needless to say, grabbing the fat guy is a big no-no as well. You will never be able to lock your arms or shift his weight. So it is primary to keep your distance.
As I am thinking this I see the first guy stepping right into the big guys face. So scratch the distance rule. (I’m beginning to this the first guy is an idiot) The two men are face to face arguing now.
On a side note, I never got the “face to face” thing guys do before a fight. If I am pissed at a guy and want to punch him, I will stay at a fair punching distance. So I always have been amused when guys do that face to face thing and figure they are both clueless.
Anyway, back to the fight. In a surprising move, the fat guy followed on of my advice topics. Now by the look of things he could wipe the floor with the first guy, so he had no reason to give an exit chance. But he did. He put his hand up as if indicating he was bored, and turned to walk away.
Wow, brilliant!
But not so fast! The dip shit first guy suddenly throws a punch at the back of the head of the fat guy. How stupid. The fight had already been averted, and the first guy could have gone home and banged his chick all night reveling in his win. But no, he chooses to risk hospitalization.
[For the record, I don’t fight when I’m on a date. My whole goal is to get laid, and I would do nothing to intentionally kill that chance]
Ok, the first guy throws a roundhouse punch at the back of the head of the fat guy. As I mentioned, the fat guy is much taller . . . and fat. So the first guy is punching UP, and at a moving target while setting a punch line that had numerous block opportunities. So the fat guy raises his shoulder slightly as he sees the punch coming, and the punch careens off of the shoulder causing zero damage.
Of course now the first guy is off balance. A missed punch usually leaves a man leaning forward with his chin extended and all his with on his front leg. I wouldn’t have put myself in that position. But if I were in it I would dive to the floor, roll away from the opponent, and spring back up in a balanced position at a safer distance. But the first guy wasn’t me. I watched as the far guy lowered his body weight and drew back a swing from across his body, while turning his massive trunk, and swinging a level punch with about a five foot lead.
This massive and well balanced punch connected to the head of the first guy just below his nose. The swing was so long, and the punch so balanced, that it lifted the first guy off of his feet and dumped him on his back.
At this point I was thinking that the first guy should just rest a moment, then roll over and crawl his way out of the bar. In all honesty, I couldn’t do that. I’m one of thise guys that gets super pissed if or when someone hits me. I may go down, but I come right back hotter than before. But for this guy, crawling out may be his best option.
And to their credit, the fat guys friends are encouraging him to leave as well. But the fat guy is doing exactly what I would do . . . . watching. You never really know how effective a punch is to someone. So you have to assume that the person that went down could be “playing possum”. Therefore you have to watch them until they begin to move away. And remember, the first guy already tried to cold cock the fat guy before, so it’s on the mind of the fat guy.
About then, the obviously ignorant first guy crawls to his feet . . . . . and begins talking shit to the fat guy. He just got his ass whupped yet he insists on talking smack? Ok, so the fight will continue but now he should know my analysis of the fight. He needs to keep his distance, stick and move, and extend the time an movements of the fat guy.
But no! Our guy runs at the fat guy and attempts to kick him in the balls.
Here is another tip. Fat people have fat thighs. Fat thighs cover a lot of muscle. A wall of fat and muscle can protect one’s balls. So basically, unless a fat guy lies down and spreads his legs as wide as he can allowing you to kick him in the balls; it won’t work. All you will do is give him an inner thigh burn and seriously piss him off.
Of course the first guy, who is still dazed from the punch, loses his balance in this botched kick fiasco and falls into the fat guy. Hey, how about gift wrapping yourself too?
The fat guy wastes no time in picking the first guy up and positioning a perfect form “back breaker” hold. The fat guy has the first guys arms pinned in his hold, and has his arms wrapped just below the lower back where the tailbone meets the spine. With the amount of pressure being exerted by the fat guy, I know that the pain would be unbearable.
So the first guy squirms for a while and then does the stupidiest thing yet. HE QUITS. It is one thing to quit BEFORE the fight begins. But when you are getting your butt kicked it’s time to begin treating this event as a life and death situation. I mean, what would quitting now do? Does he think the fat guy will go, “Ok, he quits so I will forget he tried to cold cock me and kick me in the balls. Let’s all sing a song together and hold hands”?
So when he quits struggling the fat guy really begins to crush his tailbone. This was painful to watch and I almost went to the idiots aid. But if I did then I would probably be in a fight myself, and I had promised Martel I wouldn’t fight again.
Fortunately they first guy figured out that surrendering wasn’t an option and he got his hands free.
If it were me in a similar hold, I would know that punching is pointless. Also, trying to wriggled locked hands free is impossible unless you can get to the thumbs, which are behind the back and out of reach. So my plan would be to cup my hands and slap both the ears of my opponent at the same time. This would cause intense pressure on the inner ear and possibly cause the grip on me to loosen for a moment. As soon as I hit the ears I would push away in one massive thrust, hoping that if the grip loosened then I could pry myself away before he relocked his grip.
But that is me.
Our guy pinched the fat guys face and tried slapping him. What an embarrassing move.
The first guy was beginning to turn blue now. Something really had to give. I again considered interjecting myself into the tournament, merely to save a life. But I really didn’t want to risk personal pain due to the ignorance of an idiot.
Fortunately, the fat guy and I were thinking alike. He flipped the guy sideways and slammed him to the floor. The fall was brutal, but at least now the fight could be over. Again, the fat guys friends loudly suggested that he leave now. But again (and just as I would) he watched his opponent to see if he was returning to the fray.
One of the friends of the first guy ran to his friend’s aid. He was helping him get up while attempting to escort him to the door. And as a good friend he had a verbal exchange with the fat guy’s friends. This was classy. It was just enough of an exchange to prove his loyalty to his fallen friend, but not enough to instigate an additional altercation.
So what did we learn?
I kept my promise to Martel.
Always try to find an exit plan when facing an altercation.
Don’t fight fat people.
And finally, the brain is the most valuable weapon so use it!
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