I had a few revelations last night. And guess what? I’m going to share them with you.
I was with two close friends supporting them as they both had horrible days. They didn’t have to call me or let me know. As a friend I contacted them in the morning just to say hi. One confided their problem right away. The other I figured out based on their reply to me. So we decided that for one evening we would forget the bad day, and ignore that tomorrow will come and we all need a plan. For one evening we would “Party like there was no tomorrow”.
We had a good time and they cheered up a bit.
This brought me to my first revelation. Had I not contacted them in the morning just to say hi, I may not have known of their tribulations in time to help? I’m sure that eventually they would have told me, but because I cared I checked in with them. And because they cared they shared their challenges. Then because I care I did something for them.
That defines friendship to me.
I have been doubting my ability to be a friend lately. I believe that my recent challenge is with the definition of friendship. I sort of bought into someone else’s definition and it began to skew the way I behaved. But last night I was re-assured that a friend to me is defined by how I WANT to treat someone, and friendship exists if someone WANTS to treat you the same way.
When I was involved in that horrific auto accident, I wasn’t able to contact anyone. But to my amazement all but one of you found out what had happened and where I was. That proved friendship to me. I now knew that if something bad happens to me, someone would care enough to miss me.
[The one who didn’t realize I was missing actually blamed me for not letting them know]
So as I am with two friends last night, I begin to feel comfortable about my current friends. I will always have room for new friends, but I don’t need to go searching for friends or much less make exceptions for people that don’t care nearly as much about me as I do for them. If someone doesn’t want to be a friend on my terms, then they can find someone else who does.
Later in the evening I decided to stay downtown. We had been in the Mid-Town area and had been drinking. So my first thought was to sleep in my car in a parking lot. (Yup, I am cheap!) I always keep several changes of clothes with me, but my challenge would be a shower. I could probably make it another day without one, but I just feel better when I shower.
So I decided I needed a room. I have a hotel where I stayed when I left the house. It is inexpensive, but not great. It is also my “hookup” hotel. So I figured I would go there so I could get a shower and sleep in a bed. But since I had been drinking, and possibly wasn’t thinking correctly, I splurged and I got a fancy room in a downtown hotel.
[Urgh . . . expensive]
My room was up on the 30th floor. When I walked into my room I opened the blinds. I had this amazing view of downtown and another view that I enjoyed more. It was a view of the freeway and all the lights traversing through the darkness. It was like a neon snake withering through an urban area. I stood and watched the lights for an hour or more. It was very relaxing and mesmerizing.
That was when I had my second revelation.
My first job in Houston was downtown at a law firm. My office was on the 34th floor. One of my duties was to perform a backup of the computers every morning. Since I always rise early, I would begin this backup around 5 am. Since there was nothing I could do until the backup was complete, I would spin my chair around and gaze out the window . . . watching the traffic.
It’s like I had come full circle. I began my career early in the morning watching the traffic. I recall all the dreams I had back then. Some were professional goals and some were personal dreams. I remember as I would watch the traffic I would think about my goals and dreams and wonder where I would be in 25 years. And last night I was in the dusk of my day, and my career; yet I was still watching the same beautiful sight.
What seemed the most amazing to me was that as I stood in a hotel last night watching the same freeway from my past, I realized that I had achieved everything professional that I wanted to achieve and that all my personal dreams had come true; except for my biggest dream. I still hadn’t walked down a beach at dusk, holding hands with someone that loved me.
So my second revelation was that even though I achieved over 100 goals I had, over achieving on most of my goals; the fact that my one biggest dream hadn’t come true yet meant I had failed. It seems that realizing dreams is far more important than achieving a goal. I never would have believed that is true at 25 years of age. But last night it all came full circle.
Basically, the things you get in your private time are the most valuable and you set work goals just to get you to your dreams someday. And I have wasted a ton of time working my dick in the dirt to achieve goals, and I haven’t had that blonde, blue eyed, big boobed, bikini clad hottie for my walk on the beach.
And amazingly that was when I had my third revelation.
I need to back up just a bit and describe the perfect woman for me as my partner and lover. She would be blonde with blue or green eyes that could melt a heart. She would have a smile that is so contagious everyone smiles around her. She wouldn’t be “Model skinny” and she would definitely be blessed upstairs. She would have long and sexy legs and love wearing heels. Her personality would be aggressive, driven and decisive; but wild and carefree at the same time. She would need to be my best friend and my lover. She would be a lady in public, and my own personal hooker in private.
So my third revelation is derived from the fact that I met this person . . . and she didn’t want me. And that third revelation is that life is cruel.
I’ve had one dream since I was a kid, and that dream was this infernal walk on the beach I keep seeing in my head. In my dream I can see the woman I am with, I can sense her personality, and I can feel my emotions. It is absolutely everything I ever wanted, just like I see it in my dream.
And then I meet her. And then she drives me nuts. And then in her own way she tells me to fuck off. Is that my reward for life?
Ok, so I was a dick in my youth. And I did some god awful horrible things as well. But I also did a lot of good. I became a helpful and caring man. I’ve helped people and saved lives. I’ve lived by a moral code.
But I guess all that doesn’t mean anything. My dream not only goes un-fulfilled; it goes away after meeting the person of my dreams.
Ok, that’s it. That is all my revelations from last night. It wasn’t my best day, but I guess I’m ok.
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