As I mentioned last week, I have negotiated to actually try some methods to relax me a bit more.
[That’s the nice way of saying that I’m trying not to be so violent when angered.]
I very seldom get angry. It really takes a lot to push me there. But what happens is someone pushes my button and it’s no big deal. If someone else pushes my button next, well it’s still not a big deal. It’s only when the same person fuckin’ pushes my button over and over again with complete disregard . . . well eventually I blow!
So far that all sounds like your typical anger challenge that everyone faces; but here is the difference. When I blow it is World War III. Things get crushed, people get hurt, animals run in fear, seas part . . . . ok, so no parting of the sea. But you get my drift. It’s like a bomb goes off in my head and everything goes dark. I can’t control myself and I just lash out at complete strangers. For the record, I never lash out at people I know . . . even if they are the problem.
[I hear that part is not typical.]
My second challenge is allocating the blame for my anger. I blamed the person that has pushed and pushed my buttons, as if they were almost looking for a fight. But now I am told that I shouldn’t blame them. Before it gets to this point I should speak to them and let them know that what they did was offensive and bothered me greatly. Basically, I am supposed to control my emotions and if I fail then it’s my fault.
I actually do this with most people. But for some reason there are a few folks that I just can’t deal with; or fight back against. I don’t know why, or what causes that. But with a select few I just let the problem fester until it boils over.
Anyway, if they continue to do ignorant . . . sorry, if they continue to do in-different things then I should just avoid contact with them at all.
[But sometimes I don’t want to avoid them.]
Those are the objectives. I supposedly need to be able to vent and not hold all the anger inside until it gets to be too much to handle. Also, I need to speak to the people that trigger these episodes. If they will not acquiesce to being . . . well . . . hmmm . . . less shitty; then I need to completely avoid them.
Avoidance is really not my style at all!
One of the steps to accomplish these objectives is that I am apparently not sleeping enough. I usually sleep an hour to an hour and a half at night. I sleep about 45 minutes to an hour around noon. And I usually take a 15 minute nap in the early evening. I am now told this is not enough sleep.
So I don’t sleep and there is a VERY GOOD REASON. When I do sleep I have very rough nightmares. So I sort of got used to “dozing” and waking up before the dream stage of a sleep cycle. But now I am told that I need to sleep. So I was prescribed a sleep aid.
I had no idea how fast the pill would work. But when it came on, it came on quickly and I vaguely remember what I was doing last.
And I dreamt.
I know it would make a better story to tell you that I had wild ass sex dreams all night and I woke up sweaty and panting with a monster “woody”. But that would be a fib.
Nope, I’m in a dark and cold place. My breath is steam and I am shaking uncontrollably. I can’t see anything but my breath. No matter how hard I focus I can’t see a thing. But then suddenly all I see are dead people; right in my face. They are so close I feel their breath on me. They are the faces from my past, souls that I took. They are crying, bleeding, dying, begging, grabbing me, pulling me, and more. Their screams keep getting louder and louder as more move towards me.
Now I can’t move or speak. I struggle to turn, to scream out, to raise my arm, or just to fall down. But nothing works, and nothing happens. The dead people just keep coming and I can’t stop it. I feel myself getting colder and colder. I feel colder than I’ve ever been before.
I can read the dead people’s thoughts too. They are confused and scared, but not angry. I feel like I want them angry though. It feels like if they got angry then they would beat me or kill me or something and their pain would go away . . . . and I would feel better. But they don’t, they just grab me and cry out.
And then I sense trouble and hear screams from people I know, friends of mine, I hear screams from each of you. I can’t see you but I know you are in pain and just an arm’s reach away. But I still can’t move, and all I can see is the faces of the dead. And then I hear my friend’s screams as you call out to me, and call out for me to help. But I can’t. No matter what I do I fail.
Over and over and over this dream repeats.
Bottom line, you had better get used to me being an angry jerk because having that dream every night will kill me. I will try a few more nights of this, but I am really scared . . . and almost nothing scares me!
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