I shouldn’t be having these thoughts and I DEFINITELY shouldn’t be sharing them. But sometimes this page is my sanity dumping grounds. And for some reason, tonight I have these thoughts and maybe if I dump them here they will go away.
And before I begin I need to let you know that Mustang does not know about my journals, and the other person forgot about them years ago. So I’m not preaching to the pulpit.
I didn’t get to see Mustang tonight. I had some errands to run and some things I had to do. Maybe that is why I had these thoughts. When I am with Mustang I have no thoughts but her. She is pretty, witty, and makes me smile. She likes to hold hands, touch, kiss, and she is always there when I communicate. We like the same things, we respect each other, and we both are sexual (of course me more than her, but I’m used to being more sexual that ANYYONE else).
Mustang makes me happy.
Urgggggggggh!
But she doesn’t make me go WOW!
All the times we’ve been together I’ve never once compared her to anyone in particular. EVERY other date I’ve been on I end up comparing the woman to someone I knew. All these women have good qualities and characteristics. But none of them make me go WOW like that woman did. But I ignored the thought so far.
So now I am asking myself a very important question.
All my life I’ve been the one that won’t settle. I’ve had so many chances to be the best at a lower level, or to win at a weaker competition. But unless I beat the best, or win the ultimate prize I am not satisfied. And I always find a way to win. I always compete with the highest level of competition because that is who I want to beat. I have always played for the biggest prize.
But then again, it’s always been a fair fight. It’s always been a contest where I could get stronger, or smarter, or faster, or more charming and win. The contest was never “rigged”. And I am thinking that perhaps the contest for the only person that made me go WOW is a fixed deal that I will never win no matter what I do.
So early tonight I was talking to my god. I do talk to him earlier in the evening on weekends because I do drink and I feel it’s in poor taste to talk to the almighty when I’m drunk. So I was doing my usual and praying for help with all the problems in my life. (That list is way too long to share) Then I was praying for all of you. And then I thanked god for Mustang and the feelings I get when we are together.
Backing up a bit, part of my addiction recuperation is to not take any Vision Quests. A Vision Quest is like a trance I go into where I can sense and feel more around me. I know this will sound like I’m nuts, but when I do this I see relatives of mine that have passed. (I told you!) The problem with my Vision Quests is that EVERY time I take one I am told by my relatives, and the relatives of “someone” I care about, that I need to stay close to the one that made me go WOW. The words they keep using are that she will need me soon.
I put a lot of faith in these Vision Quests as they have always put me on the right track when I am lost.
I know that if I take one now the message will be the same. But my hope to break my addiction keeps me from taking another one because I don’t want to hear that. Also, I have avoided all calls and emails from people that feel their purpose in life is to report to me about the source of my addiction.
I sometimes feel like I put myself in prison to avoid the criminals.
Ok, getting back to my chat with my god. He does speak to me from time to time. And no it’s not like a voice from above. Usually it is signs. I will ask for guidance and then in a matter of time I see a sign that gives me the answer or the right path to follow. Sometimes it’s a day, maybe a week, and sometimes never. So I end my prayer tonight with the following question.
“Is the WOW effect I get from “someone” more important than my current happiness?”
I then pour myself a drink and wonder if or when I may get a sign from above. That is when the home phone rings. I check the caller ID and it is from my best childhood friend. Even though he is still probably my best friend, we seldom talk . . . . and never on a Friday night. So I figure it must be important and I answer.
We do the usual “buddy bullshit” for a few minutes. Then he asks me, “Hey, how is that beautiful woman you brought to my restaurant last spring doing? Are you two still together?”
Hmmmm? That would be “You know who!”
So I give him the “low-down” about all the things she did and how I finally just got tired of all her lies and bull shit. Then I told him briefly about Mustang. The next thing out of his mouth was, “Dude, when did you ever back down from a fight or settle for less than the best?”
I am totally freaking out. But he’s not done yet.
“Guess who stopped by my restaurant tonight?” He continued. “Terri did, and she asked about you.”
I know I’m all over the place, but this shit is weird and I need you to keep up. If you read my previous journals, I wrote about Terri recently. She is the amazing girl that convinced me to keep trying in my youth when my leg was crushed. She got me back to being an athlete, and it cost her everything. She had been in love with me, and she knew if I went back to being a jock I would go back to being a jerk too. But she got me there anyway. She gave up her love so I could have my love back. I’ll never forget that.
My buddy continued, “It was the strangest thing though. She told me to call you because she felt that you were confused and losing your way. She told me that you needed a friend, and then she told me to tell you to follow your heart . . . . no matter the pain”
FUCK ME!
At this point I am sitting on the kitchen floor, dead silence on the phone, just gazing at a cabinet. My buddy starts giving me a pep talk. I’ve never needed a pep talk before. But he says that he feels destiny is pushing him to tell me to go get that certain “someone”.
Geez!
We then catch up for a few minutes. But before he gets off the phone he again tells me to “Go get her!” At this point I’ve had about three heavy drinks. I do a couple of shots and decide it’s time for my nap. As you know, I take several naps a day for an hour to an hour and a half. Some nights I do sleep for a couple of hours. But I NEVER dream. If I sleep too long I have nightmares. And I try to avoid them.
So I go to my room, strip, and lie down. I must have dozed off quickly, and due to the alcohol I must have hit deep sleep just as quickly.
I had a dream!
I saw the source of my addiction. She was alone and worried. She had pain and confusion all around her. She looked up at me and came to me. She stopped just short of me. She looked angry with me. She told me I was the one that she hoped would never give up on her. Then she hugged me.
I woke up remembering the dream. I remember her words, her expressions, her scent, and most important . . . I remembered that she made me go WOW . . . . once again!
Now I sit here alone in a dark room. I will see Mustang tomorrow. Maybe that will help me block out all these distractions. But instead right now I am wondering if all the pain I’ve had in my life wasn’t to make me a better person, but to prepare me for this fight I’ve been in for years. Maybe I was supposed to learn NEVER TO QUIT.
Maybe I was supposed to be prepared for her?
I wonder if fate is really stepping in and showing me the path I should follow; or is my subconscious simply creating images and feelings to trick me into making a fool out of myself and causing me more pain as payback for all the evil I’ve done in my life. Maybe all this is a HUGE punishment for the sins of my past. Maybe Mustang is here for a reason, like to save me, and some form of a greater evil is trying to keep me away from her.
So tonight this addict is lost. And I have just one simple question . . . .
WHAT DO I DO?
Thank god for Jack Daniels!
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